Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

[Boatinggirl27]

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

@Boatinggirl27

You're nine months in and you've started a number of threads about this relationship.

You were on a day out with him and his child during it you were on a thread saying he's a liar and you don't trust him.

You're snooping on him and reading his private conversations from when you weren't even together.

Can you honestly say you think this is how healthy relationships begin?

Previously you have said that there hasn’t been any flirting since you’ve been together. Now he’s been saying he loves her? Which is it?
Maybe she misses his friendship if they haven’t messaged to so much since you’ve been together. I don’t know, the only person who can answer your questions is him but to ask him you would need to admit that you’ve been going through his phone.
I would be absolutely furious if my husband went through my messages from before we were together and started questioning me over them(and believe me there would be plenty there). It’s such controlling behaviour.

He said she was radio silent but she's not, the lying would make me feel uneasy.
The flirting in the past, even if not now, the over the top love and miss yous, it's not been a completely platonic relationship from the start, Combine with lying about no longer being in contact, doesn't sound great. No need to be cool about making space for her too, just tell him he's welcome to her.

Eh? You previously said this:

The flirty messages were before we got together. The last few exchanges have been more ‘friendly’ ie catch up messages him telling her about his divorce etc. there are a few where he’s mentioned me, he’s told her all about when he asked me out, how it seems to be going well. There’s another saying how he hopes she finds true love and how she deserves it. Lots of ‘love you’ endings way back but they seem to have petered out.

So either that wasn't true or what you say now isn't true...

OP, people will tell us what they want us to hear. Of course he told you that he thought about only you since his divorce. And perhaps that is true in a romantic sense?

We all have pasts, and we don’t need to divulge every little detail about that past with a new partner.

Please let it go. Decide if you want to continue in this relationship.
But your insecurity and snooping have demonstrated that you’re not ready to have a relationship as you aren’t in the right space.

Perhaps have some kind of talking therapy to enable you to address the reasons for your mistrust, because this will be present in any relationship you have.

Why why why why.
Why he does this.
Why he does that.
Why he text this.
Why he text that.

You can't control the actions of others, only how you respond.
There's no point asking why he has done anything, it's I likely anyone here is him.
The only thing you should be asking is why you don't leave.. and to that I can only guess you either love the drama and snooping and making threads on MN or this is all made up bollocks.

You don’t trust him.

There’s no point in waxing lyrical about the ins and outs because the relationship will never get better when there is no trust.

Move on. Find someone who you can trust and you’ll see the difference

wow. You wanted him to be faithful before you even got with him? That’s a whole new level of controlling. Like proper next level. And going through his phone like that and reading all his private messages. This poor man. That’s horrific.\and “I have trust issues’ does not absolve you of this terrible behaviour

Since you are going round and round in circles over this and it is obviously eating you up, unnecessarily in my view, there is only one option left. Speak to him about it all.

If you won't just accept the status quo that he has done nothing wrong, apart from admit that they still exchange messages - all of which are just now friendly and innocent - then you had better come clean and get it all out in the open as to how you are feeling.

But how you quite balance this with the fact she lives in another country anyway and you have been snooping through his phone is another matter!

He isn’t keeping it secret.

Because he clearly leaves his phone about as you have seen her messages pop up several times. You have his passcode and all the messages are there.

He loves her. As an old friend. She clearly means a lot to him. And that’s ok.

He told you she hadn’t been in touch for a while. Nowhere does that indicate they will never speak again.

He may well have wanted to be with you. That doesn’t mean it’s cheating for him to flirt or talk about how he wished he slept with another person when he had chance nearly 30 years ago.

He wasn’t with you, so while he may have had feelings for you, it’s was also on for him to flirt and reminisce with someone else.

You will only be happy if you got proof that between his marriage ending and getting with you, that he was entirely miserable and pining for you and shunning all other women.

Tbh OP, it doesnt sound as if you're ready for any relationship. I feel sorry for your bloke.

Stop it. Leave his ruddy phone alone and ditch him if you don't trust him.

Just to clarify.

we started dating in February. There were messages between them late last year whereby he’d said he’d wished they’d slept together and he also referred to her as having his last name as tho they were married. Also messages saying how he’s so happy she’s back in his life.

fast forward to February and he tells her he’s started seeing me. There are a few exchanges whereby she says she hopes he stays in touch and his much she loves him and he responds with how he loves her too.

at one point he says he hopes she finds love too. Then there are quite friendly messages exchanging what’s been going on with each other, not much mentioned about me, more about his divorce and kids. He tells her he needs to keep hearing from her as she apparently went above and beyond when the ‘shit hit the fan’

he appears to be completely committed to me? I just can’t shake off this feeling I’m being or have been betrayed? He tells me he loves me so much, talks about our future, makes plans, so why do I feel so insecure?

OP - as PP have said, the issues here are with you. The idea that you have been betrayed before he was even with you - that’s terrifying. He owed you nothing at that point. He’s clearly been loyal since you’ve been together. You don’t own this man and you don’t own his history.

And, as you know, you shouldn’t be going through his phone. You sound pathologically jealous. I’ve suffered intensely with anxiety at times so I know that feeling when you’re convinced you’re thinking straight but actually you’re not. I’ve been there, though with different obsessions from yours (not jealousy).

That’s you now. Your thinking is disordered and unreasonable and your relationship will likely end if you continue this way. Would you consider therapy? I have found it very helpful myself.

I think it's worth you exploring in a counselling session as you don't seem willing or able to accept that the insecurity you feel, and the way you say he's lying to you etc, is disproportionate to the situation.

You were suspicious and snooped to read private messages he shared with a friend.

You position him as having lied to you when it sounds like he said he always loved you and that comment wouldn't be taken literally as him not having any interest or flirtation with anyone else from when you became single to when you got together. It's bizarre to most people that you've taken it literally and therefore

Because if someone said "I think about you all day" you wouldn't expect them to literally be sitting and thinking about you and nothing else all day. And then call them a liar for having said it then dared to think about other stuff all day. Or would you?

Healthy relationships do not start this way. Do you think they do?

I think I’m struggling with the fact that I’ve just found out they felt intimate about each other, which I didn’t know, and wouldn’t know if I hadn’t snooped, which I know I shouldn’t have!!! And the fact he still feels he needs to be in touch with her snd not mention it? She’s either a really close friend in which case why hadn’t he told me, or she means nothing, so why stay in touch?

I am insecure, he told me at the start of our relationship about this woman, who supposedly blanked him when he told her he was dating me, and I’ve since found out he’s been in touch with her throughout.

he said to me how he was fine that she’d blanked him snd how she was a ‘bit bonkers’ and probably now an ex friend!!!! All along he’s been in touch. I know he was nothing to do with me before we got together of course I understand that. It’s him who tells me about how he thought of me lots snd how he was desperate to ask me out. But I struggle to now find out that whilst he so say was feeling that for me, he was telling her how he wished he’d slept with her, her telling him to move out to where she lives and him replying ‘don’t tempt me’!

if she was here in the uk I feel they would be together, so I feel when he tells me it’s ‘only me’ in his thoughts I don’t believe him. He couldn’t uproot his children to another continent.

So you think he would be with her if he could.

so walk away

So break up with him then.

People have suggested things including counselling.

If you aren't willing to try anything like that then this insecurity will follow you to all relationships.

How do I go about counselling? GP?

Why don't you say you saw a message pop up and ask him about her. He sounds like a 'love bomber" maybe. He bombards you with all this ideal you are the only person in the whole wide world I ever think about'..you are my everything, I have even named you with my surname (because girls seem to love that....)
Except you aren't obviously the only person in the world he thinks about.

You need to get a grip. He hasn't indicated he wanted to be with her, had feelings for her or anything more than frankly using her for some attention, and an ego boost when he was SINGLE.

Engaging in some safe long distance sexting or whatever doesn't mean he was lying when he said he only thought of you. It doesn't mean he never had a lustful thought about another woman.
He seems to have done his best in his interactions since then to get their dynamic back to a very platonic footing.

It's a bit rubbish of him to refer to her as bonkers as he was a willing participant in the flirting but that's his only crime.

Bless you no. NHS MH services are at breaking point. You need to seek therapy privately. The BACP website is a good place to start.

I'd also suggest researching attachment styles, and retroactive jealousy.

In the meantime, I'd call it off with him. You're tying yourself up in knots over this poor bastard.

@Boatinggirl27

You have started the same kind of threads monthly for the last 3 months. And you get the same kind of advice.
And yet you are still not hearing it, and still asking ‘why don’t people understand how I feel’….
In this case - it’s really not him. It’s YOU.
And I do think you can’t really handle this on your own and need help by a professional.

I don’t know what your life/relationship history is, and why you are this insecure at the age of 50, in a relationship with a guy who is all in.
There is absolutely nothing in those messages to warrant this extreme reaction.
And the way you are going - you are going to destroy this relationship.
But you won’t hear it as you are triggered in some way, probably from something ok your past. So - hopefully you will find a way to talk to someone who can help you deal with your self-destructive tendencies.

I get what you mean.

Basically he's full of shit. Maybe this woman has always been the 3rd wheel even when he was married?
Says the exact same charming things to both of you but yet he slagged her off implying she was crazy and she's an ex friend.

There's only 2 things you can do. Put up with it or dump him.
Letting this drag on and on doesn't seem like that right thing to do when you're not happy.

He's a love-bomber and he's playing the two of you. He wasn't thinking of only you - it was a line to fish you in.

He's told you she is bonkers as pre-emptive damage control in case hse contacts you.

You don't trust him because he is untrustworthy. Dump him.

If not - you are choosing this insecurity, distrust and pain. You can choose differently at any point.

Re counselling, does your employer commission any counselling service? Depend who you work for but some local
authorities do provide this service.

If not, some areas offer a self referral therapy service as a first port of call.

If you want to do some reading around attachment in relationships, Attached by Dr Amir Levine is a good place to start.

Only you can make the change OP. Talk to your chap, he can’t help you to feel more secure if he doesn’t know you are struggling.