Husband just slapped me

[carbibarbie]

..... I said he was too busy pleasing himself to spend any time with us as a family. He went out in the evening twice this week and is spending all day doing his hobbies. I said he could take our 3 year old son swimming next week. He said 'no thanks, I'm busy, stop being a bitch' and I squirted baby pouch at him (we have a 1 year old) and he slapped me hard across my cheek. Our children were next door. He then said 'you deserved that'. This is the icing on the cake. He spends no time with the children and I'm just envious of those families who have lovely weekends together. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see my children 50% of the time, I will not survive that.

I grew up surround by abuse which my parents thought was a secret and I didn't know....but I did from a very young age!! I then went through abuse myself thinking keeping quiet was done thing and that abuse was normal. Please don't do this to your kids you and them deserve better.

I wouldn't report this one to the police.

I would make sure there was nothing else to report by leaving today. I cannot believe what he said to you afterwards. You are not safe.

You may have to allow his parents access to your children as your children have a right to an ongoing relationship with their gfs and there is a law in place for this kind of situation. It's very difficult to enforce though as they won't jail you for disobeying

It's not about getting a conviction, it's about documenting a repeated pattern of abuse.

And stupidly squirting a drink at someone is NOT abuse.

Would you say that?

In that case I would say you're wrong. I would also say that you're a fool.

I don't trust the police and I don't know how they'd record this. It doesn't matter how we think they should record it. The op should leave. Sadly she didn't document the prior abuse. I think this could be twisted. She should just get out.

To put this squirting food from a baby pouch in to perspective. DP throws water over me all the time knowing i hate it and i in turn put my cold hands on his sides all the time and i know he hates it. We do it to wind each other up both safe in the knowledge that neither one of us will slap the other and it will end in giggling and a cuddle. OP his reaction was abusive and if he gets away with it this time it will escalate. If you have somewhere safe to take the children leave the house and Please call 101 and report it also take photos.

He will not want 50:50 care of the children he is using that as a way of keeping control over you. My DP's ex abused him and she used the children in the same way, threatened to take them away so he wouldn't be able to find them if he ever left. In reality she hates being a parent and despite insisting they lived with her so she could make out he was the one who abused her and abandoned her she would send them to him at any opportunity. People like her and your husband will say anything to have control but the reality is they dont want the hassle and work that comes with parenting.

Your husband and his family can only manipulate things if you don’t evidence what is happening to you.

it becomes your word against his, call the police because while you may not want your children to see the police at the door but do you want them to see him hit you or worse?

because he will and it will get much worse.

ar least go and visit a police station tomorrow and call womens aid.

Tell someone in real life.

Damn straight

So sorry OP to read your post. Hope you’re ok, and your children are all ok too.

This won’t end well if your husband, who is meant to look after you, be there for you and care for you, is hitting you in any way, shape or form. A push here a slap there, then one day it’ll be something much worse. If he is a drinker too, that also fuels their temper and aggression.

It will be difficult, but for the sake of your own safety and for the safety of your children, report him. He should lay his hands on you whatsoever. This is physical abuse/assault, and will not be taken lightly.

The fact your FIL defended him when he’s been forceful with you before is a bad sign too.

It won’t be nice your children seeing this happen, but if you don’t act upon it now, they will suffer more in the long run. Seeing their mother emotionally, mentally and physically abused by their own father will scar them for life! Please find the strength to report him.

He sounds like he won’t even care if he had 50/50 custody of your DC anyway. If his family do get involved, stand your ground.

Speaking from experience it doesn’t get any better. Even if your husband apologises and said ‘he didn’t mean it’ or he tries to defend what he’s done, it doesn’t end there.

I hope you can find the courage to report him, fight for your children and be free of this man.

Keep safe and be brave.

Sorry that was meant to be shouldn’t lay his hands on you.

I've been there, OP.
It seems 'unthinkable' doesn't it? All you want to do is protect your kids.
But what's really unthinkable is him continuing to subject you to this pattern of violence. THAT will affect your kids far more than the Police now.
(plus you are more likely to lose access, even temporarily, if they stay in a home with an abuser in it as sooner or later they will witness it & tell someone else)

Be brave for them. You CAN do this.

Is having an abusive father better?

This!!

your children do not have a choice ….you do…..don’t choose an abuser over your children…it’s just a matter of time before they become a target too

This
You didn't deserve it, it's completely unacceptable.

Make a record of every time this has happened.
You may feel it's normal and nothing and that you love him and don't want to break you both up. But 2 women are killed every week in the UK by men like this. Look at the list when you have written it. Share it with a friend, your mum or women's aid.

Actual violence is a clear indicator of greater and worse violence to come.

You've taken a first step by telling us. It was super brave to do this

Listen to us when we tell you this is a red flag, that he is a danger to you and your children and that being hit by a man in this way IS NOT NORMAL.
It's not normal, it's not normal and you didn't deserve it

Start to plan

@carbibarbie if you were to leave him, him wanting 50/50, or more, will be all talk. The reality is he doesn't even parent 50/50 the now and it would interfere with his hobbies and I assume, his work. My ex was abusive. Part of the abuse was him rambling on about how he would get full custody, take dd away from me etc. Reality is, he sees dd 8 days a month and even has a court order on him that he isnt allowed to remove her from school, me or anyone else outside of his contact days. Don't let him manipulate you. If you leave, get a solicitor and sort out contact through them.

Believe me he has no interest in caring for the DC independently 50% of the time.

I'd have hit him back after heating up the iron.

Ask him to leave, he is driving you around the bend with frustration.

OP this is not your fault. Squirting a pouch of food is a cheeky gesture, slapping is the criminal offence of assault. His instant “you deserved that” is very concerning.

You can’t spend your life with a man who thinks it’s ok to hit you. This type of behaviour escalates - this is a worse argument than you used to have, right? And it’ll continue to get worse. If you stay with him, one day your children will stand up to him to protect you, and he’ll be violent with them too. Children have died in this way.

You need to work out an exit plan. There is no reason to think he’ll get 50:50 contact, especially if your children are young, but I totally understand your concern. I know two women who left violent husbands this year. One woman was told she had to let the husband into the house and had to allow contact with kids, the other woman was helped by police to ban the husband from seeing her or her children ever again. The difference was a good lawyer. (The more dangerous man was actually the one allowed back home.)

Please ask Women’s Aid for advice, they have seem this a thousand times and can help you work out a plan to eventually leave. If there’s a mark on your face, take a photo before it fades to show police you aren’t lying, even if you don’t contact them now, a photo is still evidence.

I wish you the best of luck.

i know you don’t want 50:50 (and depending on circumstance, may be unlikely this would be granted anyway as thankfully courts becoming less inclined to award this as quite frankly - it’s shot and disruptive for the children involved) BUT my point is - this sounds like a hellish environment for children to grow up in OP. And will get worse. So something needs to be done OP. It’s not going to be him OP. That something needs to come from you. You need to be clever. If you are not in immediate danger, I would grit my teeth and play the long game. Record everything you can. Squirrel away money whenever you can. Get a kick after lawyer recommendation and contact. Go to citizens advice and work out exactly what you would receive by way of benefits in various scenarios. Then… make your move

Please don’t let the fact you were silly and he was abusive (worlds apart) stop you from taking steps to protect you and your kids.

Some of these comments are ridiculous. I squirted breast milk at my partner for a laugh once. Did I deserve a visit from social services?!

Think… think calmly about this

he does fuck all now, 50/50 would be faaaaaar too much, waaaay more than he’s prepared to do.

what is your financial situation like?

Agree with this.
Tell him to leave.

You can and you will although did you squirt the baby pouch at him or accidentally squeezing too hard as you were angry or anxious? Be clear

Having been there report it now it is physical assault

Please call them. My friend has just come out the other side to this. He threatened to take the kids full time, his family did etc. when it came down to it. He didn't contest nothing. The police was quite good. She's actually got a restraining order against him now as the violence was so bad and she's thriving. The kids genuinely are so much more happier also. It won't be this easy overnight but it will eventually get that way.

For my friend I knew them both as a couple, he seemed harmless bit of a knob and the first time he slapped her we thought it was a one off. A year later he tried to stab her in front of her son. It escalates. The fact he's violent in the first place shows you it'll always escalate. Look after yourself and make the right choice.