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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband just slapped me

357 replies

carbibarbie · 23/10/2022 13:18

..... I said he was too busy pleasing himself to spend any time with us as a family. He went out in the evening twice this week and is spending all day doing his hobbies. I said he could take our 3 year old son swimming next week. He said 'no thanks, I'm busy, stop being a bitch' and I squirted baby pouch at him (we have a 1 year old) and he slapped me hard across my cheek. Our children were next door. He then said 'you deserved that'. This is the icing on the cake. He spends no time with the children and I'm just envious of those families who have lovely weekends together. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see my children 50% of the time, I will not survive that.

OP posts:
Sunshinemoose · 23/10/2022 14:22

Thehonestbadger · 23/10/2022 13:23

Call the police and report him.
Not reporting him now will mean you have much less of a case on which to argue full custody the next time he hits you.

So many women don’t report the first 10 or 20 smaller assaults then when it gets really bad and he does serious damage they don’t have the paper trail to back up a pattern of violence and abuse to stop contact with children.

I'm so sorry this happened but it will certainly happen again if you do nothing.

xx

Sadly I second this. From experience, police and family courts simply won’t listen or take action unless there is a significant trail of evidence

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 23/10/2022 14:25

cantthinkofabetterusername · 23/10/2022 14:12

@gotelltheoldmandowntheroad what ridiculous advice! By doing nothing OP won't be alive by the time the last child leaves home.
OP call the police and get this abusive prick out of yours and your kids lives, they'll thank you for it in the long run

He won’t be out of their lives though and courts don’t care what he does to mum they’ll give him unsupervised access to kids

Fraaahnces · 23/10/2022 14:25

So you’ll let your kids grow up watching hi slap you round or worse?
You’ll let them grow up thinking it’s okay to live in fear because you haven’t taught them that they deserve better?
Call the fucking police!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 14:26

Next time it will be in front of your children.

Do you really want them growing up with that?

I'm embarrassed about this whole thing. Don't be. This isn't your fault.

He's been rough with me before and I told his dad to come and remove him from our house, he refused because he said I had provoked him.

This is why you need to report him so the court will restrict his and his family's access. But they can't do this if it isn't on record.

Please don't bury your head in the sand and hope it won't happen again.

He's not spending any family time with you and the kids anyway, so get rid of him and the stress pronto. Get some free legal advice tomorrow morning.

He then said 'you deserved that'.

So what happens if one of the kids answers back and he slaps one of them?

Imogensmumma · 23/10/2022 14:30

Agree with others you should call the police so their is evidence of abuse

However, as you seem not ready to do that I suggest the following

Create a record of times and instances of the abuse, an email to yourself then the email hidden and deleted from your sent is a good way to do this as it is date stamped

Go speak to domestic violence centres and lawyers, get copies off your joint financial position, get employed or a better role (if possible) so that when you are ready/ had enough you have your ducks all in a row

You and your kids deserve better , all the best OP

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/10/2022 14:35

Begoniasforever · 23/10/2022 14:00

I’m fairly sure if the genders were reversed you’d say different. Both were abusive him way worse.

op you need to get out and end this. What a shit show.

Show quote history

You what???

supertato32 · 23/10/2022 14:35

Such a horrible situation and shows how toxic your relationship has become. I remember being with my ex and I was so exhausted doing everything for our baby, worrying about finances and acting 'responsible'! Whilst he drank all the time, went to bed at 8.30pm at night because he was so tired. At first I talked to him about how I was feeling, but the less he listened the more exasperated I got and I would say some pretty mean things to him. When I did, he would grab me by the throat and push me up against the wall. I called woman's aid in desperation, and said 'I feel I am to blame as I said all these nasty things to him.' Their response was, you maybe have been rude to him but this doesn't give someone to right to assault you. Yes the baby pouch thing was unnecessary, but when you are pushed to emotional exhaustion and frustration we do stupid things. The fact he said 'you deserved that' shows what kind of man he is. I would leave and the relief you will feel not being around such a man all the time I can't tell you. It sounds like you're doing everything anyway. As someone else said, a lot of weak men use the 50/50 custody threat as a way of control. My ex did it for a long time until I stood up to him and called his bluff! You are strong lady and deserve better than this abusive, immature moron!

Sunflower987 · 23/10/2022 14:39

Honestly it's so unlikely he will try and get 50/50 and stick to it.
It's a way of him keeping you there so you are scared to leave.
The same way he's just justified to he slap.
There isn't ever any justification for what he has done.

You need to get some support and report it to the police.
Definitely call womens aid too.
If he's left a mark they can also take pictures.
He needs to leave the home.

And remember you are doing this for your kids as much as yourself, they deserve more than this.
You don't want them mirroring a relationship like yours when they are older, because they think it's normal.

JustOrderADoor · 23/10/2022 14:39

@carbibarbie Do you have older children as well as the 3 yo & 1yo?

ehay can't they see a couple of policeman? They're not going to turn up with the riot squad & batter your door open?

Caroffee · 23/10/2022 14:43

There is only one answer to this situation and that is to end the relationship. Like many women in this situation, the OP knows this but won't do it. One slap leads to another and no remorse was displayed. The OP's partner has made it clear that if he is challenged about his behaviour or expected to take his sharw of parental duties, he will respond with violence. If you are not going to leave, OP, then I suggest you just accept the situation as it is and expect nothing of your partner in future.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 14:44

Are you parents aware that this has happened? If not, they should be. Surely they can look after the kids while you talk to the police? You can also request that you go to the police station to report rather than them visiting your home.

debbs77 · 23/10/2022 14:47

Oh goodness this is heartbreaking.

I totally understand your feelings of not calling the police......it is opening up a can of worms.

BUT think about the lesson you are teaching your children by calling the police. You're showing them that this kind of behaviour simply won't be tolerated.

mansviewpoint · 23/10/2022 14:49

Fo the sake of the children you have to report a violant individual who has access to them. It doesn't matter if it's your husband or your brother or anyone. If you don't then it's far more likely that A - you will be abused for the rest of your life, and B - If Social Services find out that you didn't report it, then they will put in more plans to keep the kids in a safe environment. Perhaps with your inlaws... last thing that you need. Far better for you to walk into your local police station and discuss it with them right now. See if you can get a friend to look after the children.

Midwifetob2024 · 23/10/2022 14:51

Please leave this man. He's dangerous and abusive.
Believe me when I say if you've got a daughter he'll batter her because she's female and if you've got a son he'll beat the hell out of him until he's big enough to fight back.
He tested the waters by hitting you and in his eyes you've taken it and will put up with it, so he's only going to get more violent.
Also if your children happen to witness anything and go to nursery or school and tell staff it'll be automatically a social services situation and it might look to them that you're incapable of protecting your children.

On a different note, we're clearly very different women because if my DH somehow mustered the nerve to raise a hand to me, I'd be a widow as a result of my actions.
My first long term relationship was a domestic and I swore to myself that no man would hit me without getting a serious injury himself ever again.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 14:54

debbs77 · 23/10/2022 14:47

Oh goodness this is heartbreaking.

I totally understand your feelings of not calling the police......it is opening up a can of worms.

BUT think about the lesson you are teaching your children by calling the police. You're showing them that this kind of behaviour simply won't be tolerated.

The can of worms is already open.
OP needs to call the police to document those worms.
If she doesn't, she'll have to live in fear of it happening again - & it will.

viques · 23/10/2022 14:54

Thehonestbadger · 23/10/2022 13:23

Call the police and report him.
Not reporting him now will mean you have much less of a case on which to argue full custody the next time he hits you.

So many women don’t report the first 10 or 20 smaller assaults then when it gets really bad and he does serious damage they don’t have the paper trail to back up a pattern of violence and abuse to stop contact with children.

I'm so sorry this happened but it will certainly happen again if you do nothing.

xx

Amnesty UK did a campaign about domestic violence many years ago, the first campaign they ever ran as a UK based campaign. I think the figure they came up with was on average it took 35 assaults before women reported to the police. Of course this was an average, so for some one assault was enough, while others would suffer nearly a hundred assaults before asking for support.

Dogtooth · 23/10/2022 14:55

He's treated you roughly before, he's slapped you, he said you deserved it, he treats you with disrespect.

Those news stories you see with women who have been beaten horribly but still stay with the man, this is a rung on the ladder towards that. Get off the ladder.

Your children shouldn't grow up thinking this is what love looks like.

Thedungeondragon · 23/10/2022 14:55

If you do nothing your DC will grow up thinking violence is normal. In 30 years time do you really want to be getting calls from your DS's partner saying he has hit her? For them you can't stay in this situation. I know it is not easy, but the earlier you can find the strength to leave, the better it will be for them. Calling the police would be a good first step if you feel you can.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 14:56

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 23/10/2022 13:22

If your children were next door, why did you have an open baby pouch in your hand to squirt at him?
Call the police if he hit you as it’s assault.
Children shouldn’t live in a house where this is happening.

WTF?
Your first thought, about a woman who has just been slapped by her H & told she deserved it, is to interrogate her about why she had a perfectly normal household object in her hand?

FortunesFavour · 23/10/2022 14:57

You poor love 💐.

You need to report to police now I’m afraid. Otherwise you’ll be reporting it the 5th time, or the 10th, or when he punches you or worse. I’m really sorry but I’d bet my house this is just the start.

Report it, leave him and take the kids. Ignore any bullshit legal threats - don’t think the courts will look kindly on his wife beating efforts today will they. Report him.

Shallysally · 23/10/2022 14:58

carbibarbie · 23/10/2022 13:24

@Littlegoth he will do everything he can to do to get them and he and his family will manipulate it all. He's been rough with me before and I told his dad to come and remove him from our house, he refused because he said I had provoked him. Again, all I said was that he was too drunk. Today he wasn't drunk. I'm embarrassed about this whole thing.

Don’t be embarrassed, get mad. Be mad, how dare he assault you, the mother of his children.
Please believe people when they say this is just the start.

Protect yourself and your children

dapsnotplimsolls · 23/10/2022 14:58

Stop being embarrassed and start being angry.

LakieLady · 23/10/2022 14:58

carbibarbie · 23/10/2022 13:26

If I report to the police I have to
Give my address and will they turn up? I can't do that to my kids

When they came to me after my ex assaulted me, they were very nice and unerstanding and I don't even have kids. I see no reason why them calling would be distressing for your kids. But if you have a friend or family member who could have them for an hour or two, even better.

Seeing their father hit you, or being "rough" with you will be far worse for them than a visit from the police.

DV tends to escalate over time and with the number of incidents. You can't be sure that this will get worse, but it's likely to. You need to keep yourself safe and growing up in a home where your children witness abuse, or with a mother who is distressed or on edge because of it, will be worse for them than the police visiting.

Please ring them. Not just for your sake, but for their sake, too.

Smineusername · 23/10/2022 15:00

OK yet again the doogooders are out in force giving advice with no real appreciation of how the world actually works. If you call the cops on him and admit that you squirted food at him that could be considered assault, his reaction self defence, and you yourself could be prosecuted for domestic violence. Social services will be involved as a matter of course. In reality if you can get him out without involving the authorities this would be infinitely preferable. If he was in any danger of taking joint responsibility for childrearing you wouldn't be in this situation.

SpringCalling · 23/10/2022 15:02

I reported my ex the day after it happened. Yes they then turned up at home to arrest him - yes DD saw him being arrested (he was shouting to her look mummy's taking me away from you, which did not help). But 6 years on I don't doubt it was absolutely the best thing to do.