Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP, you talk about how long your DP has had to wait… but what have you had to wait for HIM to do?

He hasn’t given up his job (with employers pension contributions!!), his home, his rural
lifestyle, waited for his kids to leave home!

And consider this: his Ds’s have no incentive to leave. Rent free? Tied cottages tie people’s lives, horizons and expectations.

You have handed ALL the power and decision making to the meeting of the needs of his way of life.

However much you love each other that doesn’t make an easy foundation for a household together without an awful lot of talk about the situation. There is love, and then as a different issue, how you live your day to day life and how much agency you have.

You have made massive changes to your life. I bet he has never experienced anything like that himself?

Talk, talk, talk. And listen , too.

This thread reminds me of when Snow White moved in with the dwarves.

If it’s worked for 11 years, there must be love and friendship. I think if you haven’t sold your home yet, say you need to go back to sign some papers or an emergency has come up. Give yourself some breathing space. When you get back, see if you feel relief or if you feel differently.
I wouldn’t have retired in my early 50s to be a housekeeper for three adult men. Nope.
When you say he’s waited, what for? If he wanted a housewife, he surely could have had that with a different woman. 11 years of living separately may be unusual but actually I think there is a lot to be said for it.

Brilliant!

It seems a shame that you both have to live in the house that he has always lived in. I wonder if it could ever feel like your home, even if his sons move out. You postponed moving in with him until your DDs had all become adults. He should have anticipated the year that was going to occur and started prepping his sons to move out independently or made provision for them to live independently on his land (annex or coverted garage) Was none of that discussed before you the move date was getting closer? For you to move in to his home, with children still there, you'd have to have a really good relationship with his sons and enjoy their company and see your selves as one big happy blended family. The fact you delayed moving in until your DDs were adults, shows that is not what you were looking to create. Even when they do move out, they will see the house as their comfortable family home and will expect to come home and visit and feel like they are home, rather than visitors.

Is there any way to divide the house up so that you and your DP are effectively living in your own 'apartment' within the house and you don't have to deal with the adult children's messes and day to day lives?

What is the plan for the gaming son? Surely his dad can't think it is okay for him to be there, doing that, indefinitely?

This

If you do not want your partner to have to wait further years before you move in together then you must sit down and talk with him and go through all the options in detail. What you cannot do is to soldier on whilst building up silent resentments.

Do you work outside the home? If not, do you have outside contacts and interests that would keep you away from the role of housekeeper? If you let yourself slip into that role it will never go away. You do not need to be their skivvy - they managed fine before you came.

I hope you can sit down and have a private discussion with your partner and go through everything. If you let the resentments build up then you will finish up with your relationship sliding downwards to its demise.

Communication is the key!

With farms usually a son stays on with a wife and the parents move out (eventually).

Look I know how it seems, but my DP did not expect me to cook, clean, or skivvy as some have described it. It's really not that, I'm just doing what I'd do in my own house. He really didn't expect me to do all this and it's not really the issue. Its living with the DS's that I can't move past. And yes I should've realised this was unworkable and yes I do feel guilty to be selling my house as soon as my DD went to uni. I know it paints me as an uncaring mother. I've spent so much of the last few months feeling guilty about everything, even moving the bloody cat here.

Buying or renting nearby isn't an option as it's a highly desirable area and astronomical as a result. The house/ farm owned by DPs ageing parents who still run things but couldn't without the help of DP. Farm will be passed on to DP and his siblings. I do really love the area/ farm though. Just not the house and just not the living arrangements.

I am going to have a chat with a friend today as i need to speak to someone in rl about what I'm feeling.

Thank you for your honest and sometimes hard to take truths, I've been on mn for ages and did expect a battering.

This a truly bizarre.
I have to wonder why your DP hasn't been more encouraging of his DSs to fly the nest?

You mention they all live there rent free. Who actually owns the place?

Did your DP have the expectation that when you move in you'll cook and clean for him?

A tied cottage??
@Positivelypatient
That for me would be a big bucketful of nope in itself.

So your partner doesn’t even own his home??
That sounds so bloody risky.

If your partner loses his job or gets injured, he will likely have to vacate that house-
Tied cottages are such a risky proposition.

I’d stay completely independent, don’t sell your home!

Why are you cooking and cleaning for three adult men? You’re making it easier for them to stay home for longer. Just do meals for the pair of you and do them with your DP. The two lads can look after their own meals and clean up after themselves. Or take it in turns so there’s a rota going and everyone gets a turn.

it’s early days yet and you may settle in, but waiting on them hand and foot is not the way to go if you want them out soon.

The main issue is his freeloading adult sons. Sadly they will never move out because, why would they? As someone who was married with a mortgage at 23, having started working full time at 18, I struggle to understand their mentality, but it seems male offspring are much more likely to avoid adulting if possible.

Another issue: he runs a farm, he doesn't own it. What are his plans for when he can no longer physically do the job? Does he have investments/savings etc? Because he's one back injury away from being jobless and homeless. Then what?

Then the daughter issue. If your relationship was long distance, so now you've moved away from your daughter's home town, she won't want to be stuck on a farm with 3 grown men, miles from her friends and everything she knows. So be prepared not to see her much from now on.

Seems you got caught up in the fun of all the planning to move in together, but have ignored several rather massive elephants on the farm.

Personally I would stop the sale of your house until you’ve decided what to do next.

Is there a possibility for you to buy a place in DP’s area so you have your own space? Would that not preserve the best of the relationship?

They must have been cooking and cleaning for themselves before you moved in? It seems odd that that you would fall into this role.

I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

Then don't cook and clean for them. Obviously it's not a natural role for you, as you don't like doing it. Doing housework for women you're related to is very different to doing it for men you're not related to. Fuck that shit. Find some self respect and stop skivvying.

I agree with the idea of keeping a small place where you used to live as a place for you and your DDs. But could you find somewhere, maybe to rent, near your DP? There is no rule that you have to live together. My DP and I are early 50s, been together years, no expectation we'll live together. For me, it's a practical decision. I'd have to move in with him for various reasons and it's his house, so I'd have the problems you're having. Well some of them, I wouldn't be taking on a housekeeper role. Sure, I love him, but I'm too old to be romantic. I prefer to be practical and practically, living together isn't necessarily going to be great. It's just being on top of each other, and not in a good way.

If we could afford a massive new house together it would be different but we can't. I think make practical decisions with your head rather than get caught up on something that says you have to live together. You don't, not if it it's not going to work for you.

Yep.

Cross posted at the same time.

Who had been doing the cooking and cleaning before?

I agree with everyone else - don't sell your house. You don't want to be trapped there and have nowhere to go.

What were you planning to do about your job? Were you aiming to get a new one in the new area or have you retired?

An afterthought - my parents moved away from my home during my first term at university and I had thought it would be fine, but in fact it was very hard. All my known school friends were out of reach and contact gradually dwindled away. I was not in my new home for enough time to make new friends there.

I don't understand why you've been there a week and started cooking and cleaning for his sons!?

you have a business so you aren't at a loose end - let them carry on with whatever they did before you arrived!

if your DP usually cooks for the 3 of them then let him carry on or take it in turns. If the sons usually fend for themselves let them carry on. Do your own thing and don't bend to accommodate the sons. View them as housemates rather tha. Dependents.

it's totally understandable to have regrets after such a big change. Stop doing what is making you unhappy and look for the good.

It sounds like this is the first time you have ever spent time in his house with his sons. Not sure if that is the case but the very strong reaction you have tells you everything you need to know.

Whether he realises it or not, DP is offering you a home with him AND his two sons. Most people would have to think carefully about this on many levels - privacy, money, housekeeping, noise, crowding etc, but if you add in one son not working and showing no signs of ever moving out, then that’s added pressure. And these are simply the logistical aspects. The emotional side is a whole other ballgame.

Move back to your house asap and have a real think about what you want your next move to look like. I get that you want to be with DP, but the package he comes with is clear right now.

Also don't underestimate how important an anchor point your house was to your DD.

We are all safe to 'explore' the world while the family nest is still there to return to.

That's how growing up works.
When the family nest is removed, knowing it's not there can be very de-stabilising.

Maybe your DD has learnt to put her own needs aside in order to make them happy and doesn't voice her own needs if that makes a demand on others.

You've made absolutely no demand on him whatsoever but have had to literally run around trying to build and construct this relationship around him.

High maintenance men are attracted to women who put their own needs aside.

@Positivelypatient
I now read that his elderly parents own the farm - That’s good, as he will be safe there.
As a kid, We witnessed a farm manager losing his tied cottage- it filled me with a mortal dread of tied housing- the children we played with lost their home.

I’d be concerned about being a carer to his elderly parents?

Sorry you've had a battering. Undeserved imo.

You need to speak to him about it.

Last time I moved, it took 3 months until it felt like home.

Another option, is that you rent out your property for a year. This gives you an income & time to try your new life. If it doesn't work, you move back into your property.