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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

404 replies

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:32

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP posts:
ChocHotolate · 21/10/2022 08:10

It feels like someone else's house because it is someone else's house

KangarooKenny · 21/10/2022 08:12

Flat = monthly fees. Keep the house.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 08:13

@oviraptor21 I did originally plan to move here 5 years ago before my DD started secondary but it became apparent that it wasn't the right time. I don't think I can realistically expect him to wait another 3+ years. Though to make it clear, it is me that has dictated the timeframe for this so he is in no way responsible for that. He has been nothing but understanding and supportive in every decision I've made. It just seems I have made the wrong decision here in moving down so quickly.

OP posts:
Motnight · 21/10/2022 08:14

I don't understand why you would willingly take on the role of cooking and cleaning for 3 grown men (your words) whilst effectively ensuring that your own children have lost their family home.

TeeBee · 21/10/2022 08:14

Just live apart. There's no rule saying you all have to live under one roof. You've done it this long. The dynamic clearly won't work for you.

KangarooKenny · 21/10/2022 08:15

If I were to divorce I would never share a home again. I think you’re mad !

Wonnle · 21/10/2022 08:16

girlmom21 · 21/10/2022 07:46

It's the perfect time to sell if you're not buying as well. House prices have rocketed.

Show quote history

Not for much longer if people won't be getting mortgages as high as they were before the interest rates went up .

DiamanteDelia · 21/10/2022 08:19

Move back into your own house. It's worked for the last 11 years, why change?

Maybe reconsider when the boys have moved out.

MacaroniBaloney · 21/10/2022 08:20

After 11 years I can see why you were keen to move in as soon as you thought you could. But the situation with all 3 children makes me think it still wasn't the right time.

Your dd would likey not want to be the one to scupper your move as she'll know you've wanted it for a while.

Once the working son leaves, you'll never know if you pushed him out early.

Non working son. What if he never leaves??

What a mess.

VaddaABeetch · 21/10/2022 08:21

At the very least could you rent ypur the house.

please don’t sell.

what would happen if your partner were to die tomorrow?

why can’t your partner be expected to wait but you must sell your house & be a housekeeper?

Im the same age as you. A friend sold her house to move in with her partner. Gave up her job. The proceeds of the sale were used to renovate the partners house. He drop dead one day . She’s now going through the courts to get her money back from his adult children. There may be very little money left by the time it’s all done. She got another job at a fraction of her previous salary. She’s a shell of herself.

ohforthelife · 21/10/2022 08:22

I only read the title and thought "Nightmare". No way could I do that. Is there an option for you to sell up and buy something nearby?

Clymene · 21/10/2022 08:23

Why do you have to disrupt your entire life to continue the relationship when he is making zero changes?

Confused
MossGrowsFat · 21/10/2022 08:23

Why do you have to finish the relationship?

It has worked for 11 years. You get all the benefits of a relationship without all the downsides. Why would you want to clean up after one man let alone three?

Elderflower2016 · 21/10/2022 08:26

Could you go to couples counselling to help work it out? Or rent somewhere nearby to manage the transition? I imagine moving into even a perfect set up would come with some feelings of grief and loss for your old life and home so maybe expect and allow a bit of that in the mix? Your DP sounds v keen to make it work and v flexible on I really hope lots of talking can help you work this out.
You’ve described 3 main points-
Grief over change and loss of old home
lack of clarity over your caregiving role in home
you feeling uncomfortable about his son not having a job

top 2 can be worked through, last point prob will just take some time to accept?

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2022 08:28

Acting quickly and moving back now and recognising that it isnt the right time I think is the only solution to make it work

Hillary17 · 21/10/2022 08:28

I’m really surprised people are so quick to say give up already! I don’t think you’ve made a mistake at all OP - these things are about time. When me and my husband started living together I cried almost everyday for two months because it was such a big adjustment. No space, expectation, his things everywhere and new routines. It’s hard. But being in a marriage or relationship is about compromise. Be as honest as you can be with him and also set yourself some boundaries. It sounds like a lot of the change is due to your own expectations and not talking about all of your new routines as a unit. Give it time.

Theoscargoesto · 21/10/2022 08:29

Can you reframe this? You made a decision on the information available. Sadly the reality isn’t what you hoped it would be. It’s not a mistake to beat yourself up over.

For whatever reason, it’s not the right time for this to happen. You’ve learnt some things about your partner and his DC/his relationship with them. And you’ve learnt some things about what you’ll tolerate and what makes you unhappy. I agree with others that it’s not an “all or nothing” situation. Maybe a longer distance, keep your own place arrangement isn’t ideal but it’s better than this, for you. And you’re allowed to do what’s better for you.

The harder thing I think is this: how long do you wait and see if this is teething problems etc because at the moment you have options. At some point you’ll burn your bridges and be stuck, if you aren’t careful to consider your needs and your wants.

Brefugee · 21/10/2022 08:29

Don't sell your house. Can you live between the two? How do your children feel about this?
I would move right back out again, now while it's easy.

Clymene · 21/10/2022 08:29

Hillary17 · 21/10/2022 08:28

I’m really surprised people are so quick to say give up already! I don’t think you’ve made a mistake at all OP - these things are about time. When me and my husband started living together I cried almost everyday for two months because it was such a big adjustment. No space, expectation, his things everywhere and new routines. It’s hard. But being in a marriage or relationship is about compromise. Be as honest as you can be with him and also set yourself some boundaries. It sounds like a lot of the change is due to your own expectations and not talking about all of your new routines as a unit. Give it time.

You cried every day for two months and you think that's normal?

It's really not.

kingtamponthefurred · 21/10/2022 08:30

Why did you 'expect' to become a skivvy for three grown men?

Snoredoeurve · 21/10/2022 08:31

Hillary17 · 21/10/2022 08:28

I’m really surprised people are so quick to say give up already! I don’t think you’ve made a mistake at all OP - these things are about time. When me and my husband started living together I cried almost everyday for two months because it was such a big adjustment. No space, expectation, his things everywhere and new routines. It’s hard. But being in a marriage or relationship is about compromise. Be as honest as you can be with him and also set yourself some boundaries. It sounds like a lot of the change is due to your own expectations and not talking about all of your new routines as a unit. Give it time.

Compromise?
She doesnt need to compromise to the point shes miserable and has a new life as servant to 3 lazy men.
Fuck that shit!
Her poor DD!
Now has no home.
I cant believe you have done this op.
Move back into your house pronto before its too late!

museumum · 21/10/2022 08:32

I would definitely not want to move in with two grown step sons.
but I understand that 11 years long distance is tough. How far is “long distance”? Can you not perhaps rent out your house and rent a small place nearer dp? Or even sell and buy near dp? In the nearest town to the farm for eg.?

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 21/10/2022 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whereas you sound nasty 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ragwort · 21/10/2022 08:34

Move back. What do you mean 'you can't realistically expect your DP to wait?' Why not? What exactly is he 'waiting for'? The convenience of having someone to do his cooking, washing, housework and sharing his bed? Hmm.

You are not two lovesick youngsters wanting to set up home together. You are two mature adults with your own homes and families. Why can't you continue 'dating' and enjoying each other's company?

My friend moved into a similar situation (also a working farm ... there is a lot to do and no doubt these men like having an extra pair of free hands to share the workload). It's a nightmare and she now left it too late so she is stuck there. Don't be like her.

WizardOfUK · 21/10/2022 08:34

Talk to him op, does he have to live in that house or can you both sell and buy a new home together. It's very difficult to move into someone else's house, you seem to have a lovely relationship with him, so talk to him now before it gets too much. Maybe the move will give the eldest the incentive to move out. As for the youngest, maybe look for somewhere with a self contained annex he can rent, to give you and dp some space.