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Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

404 replies

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:32

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP posts:
ImGood · 21/10/2022 07:53

Well tbf you say yourself that you knew what it was going to be like.

SuperCamp · 21/10/2022 07:54

So while you now seem to be cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men who occupy this ‘small’ house, where is all your DD’s stuff? Where will she come home to in the months and months of Uni holidays? Is there room for your older Dc to stay? Visit over Christmas etc? Or are you prioritising his Dc now?

Quick, hold on to your house!

ParsnipsAndPies · 21/10/2022 07:54

How could you even consider living with 3 adult men? And you've just slotted in as the cook and housekeeper! Go back to your lovely house. Be there for your daughter (who will be home for 5 months of the year). Where's your daughter supposed to go when she's not at uni?

Go back to dating the man. It will be much more fun and you won't be washing the pants of 3 grown men

Seveninfour · 21/10/2022 07:54

My DP moved in with me & my daughters before lockdown (not because of lockdown) and it has taken us a really long time, lots of patience and being kind to each other to make it work. I (like you) didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be for him to leave his flat (he was renting) and ‘fit in’ around me & my DDS. Really it’s taken a couple of years. On the other hand, if you want to live together you are going to have to get through this at some point - I don’t think it will get easier if you move out now & try again later. It’s lovely now though & we are all very happy!

RewildingAmbridge · 21/10/2022 07:54

PIL moved while DH was at university to somewhere very rural, with no consideration for him, no local employment or public transport, so he didn't go home which they then complained about. It damaged their relationship for a number of years. At 18 especially these days with financial situations, they're not really proper adults. It seems unfair his sons still live at home in their mid twenties but you've sold your daughter's home as soon as she went to uni

theremustonlybeone · 21/10/2022 07:56

Why are you selling your home? Surely you should try out living together before making such a life changing decision. Your not even married either so what are you going to do with the proceeds from the sale of your home? Plunge into the farm? I think you need to think about the choices your making

ParsnipsAndPies · 21/10/2022 07:57

You said it's a small house, but there's room enough for 5 adults to live in it?

MintJulia · 21/10/2022 07:57

CatchersAndDreams · 21/10/2022 07:38

Tell dp that you feel extremely guilty that your youngest won't have her own home to come home too in holidays and you are going back home and delaying the move for 3/4 years.

Then see what it's like in 3/4 years. I wouldn't want to live witb two adult sc.

Sorry I have no words of wisdom but I'd be running! Unless there's another cottage/out building that could be converted for you to live on the farm.

This.

I sold my house and moved in with my partner when his dcs were 21 and 24. I lasted a year. He had a daughter who expected to be cleaned up after and cooked for, behaved like a seven year old and only finally got a job when she was 29.

I did my absolute utmost to make it work, but there are some things no sane person should have to put up with. It ended our relationship.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 21/10/2022 07:57

I would also go for either renovating an outbuilding or buying nearby. Then your DP can visit you and leave his dc to fester.

SallyWD · 21/10/2022 07:58

It's becoming increasingly common for couples to live apart, even married couples. I know a married couple who have live in their own, separate houses and are very happy. I think that for now you move out. You've clearly had a lovely relationship, living apart for ten years so why not carry on like that for a few more years? I'm sure the sons will leave eventually and then you might want to try again. Just explain to your partner how much you love him but it's not working at his house.

toomuchlaundry · 21/10/2022 07:59

Why was the move timed for when your DC left home but not when his had?

CatchersAndDreams · 21/10/2022 07:59

Why don't you tell him the truth OP, if he can't be expected to wait for you and can't be expected to push his youngest dc in particular, towards being an independent and a functioning adult.. what does he expect? Did he think you'd love being home all day listening to the sounds of COD and clearing up after the 3 of them.

Tell him the truth and see what he says. You've nothing to lose as you won't be happy living there.

Flowersintheattic57 · 21/10/2022 08:00

Leave his sons in the cottage and get a fresh house for the two of you.
Have a conversation with him and say it’s not working for you.
‘ A failure to fly ‘ child needs discussing also.

KangarooKenny · 21/10/2022 08:00

There is no need to end the relationship, just stay in your home until your youngest has her own home, or his boys have gone.
Are they actually going to go if it’s a family home ? Will they inherit the farm ?

Charlieiscool · 21/10/2022 08:01

You are making a huge mistake and will sorely regret it when you are the housekeeper / cook / cleaner to 3 adult men in their home with nowhere to go. But you aren’t listening so go ahead and burn your bridges. Those boys will show you the door if anything happens to DP so you will be looking for a rental at some point. You will kick yourself.

SquirrelSoShiny · 21/10/2022 08:02

This has red flags that can be seen from space. Don't sell your house. Really, don't.

MostlyHappyMummy · 21/10/2022 08:03

Can the relationship not continue without living together?

SuperCamp · 21/10/2022 08:03

OK, it isn’t them, but it is ‘the situation’.

I think you need to stop the cooking and cleaning and housewifing for them unless it is a truly communal household and all adults do their bit. They don’t need you to take care of them, they have managed for 11 years.

Talk to your Dp about how you are feeling. You are a newcomer, and outnumbered, in a new place. You moved to be an equal partner with him. Suggest a makeover to make the house more ‘new beginning’ for the two of you.

What happens to your security? Does he own his house? What is happening to the money from your house? What will your DD’s inherit compared to his Ds’s, and how much does this move affect this?

Do his Ds’s pay rent? Contribute to food costs or are you now expected to co-support them?

Leakygutter · 21/10/2022 08:04

I didn't get past the first paragraph. You've sold up and moved "long distance", where when she comes "home" she's aways from everything she knows, the moment your youngest went away to Uni?

I mean, there's a million reasons not to do it for yourself either, but why would you do that to your kids?

Alertthecorgis · 21/10/2022 08:05

Could you buy somewhere near to him? Otherwise you need to have a frank conversation.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 08:06

I am reading and taking in what you are all saying, I know I've made a mistake.

For those that have asked, the house here is rent free as it's tied to the farm. I was going to buy a flat outright in my home town with the proceeds of my sale to always have a base there if my DCs need it at any point. And also as an insurance if for any reason we parted ways.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 21/10/2022 08:08

So I am facing the reality of ending the relationship if I cannot make this work.

Why? There are many different options you could choose instead of the existing one. Talk to your partner. Communicate exactly as you have here. Don't sell your house yet. You can keep it on the market until you come to a decision.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 21/10/2022 08:09

God what a nightmare. No, get out of there.

Go back to your own house and make a new plan. That house isn't going to be "your home" - you can either be visitor or servant there.

Depending on which is more feasible financially, either buy your own place nearby so that you can continue as you have been but with less travelling distance, or secure planning permission for a new dwelling to be built or converted on the existing farm property which is solely for you and DP (with DP putting in money too) that you can both move in together and let the old house be just for the adult dc.

Do not be the only one making sacrifices, changes and compromises. If DP will not put time, effort and money in to building a new life together then it's not really a "partnership" is it?

Realityloom · 21/10/2022 08:09

Don't end your relationship OP. You have manged so far. Living together is overrated and in your case you and your OH have children so you've had good reasons.

Dating is the best when you live together people get complacesant and date nights go out of the window. Be honest and tell your OH.

You have made a mistake and you should of trialed living together before selling your house .

Afterfire · 21/10/2022 08:10

Why do you need to end the relationship if you can’t live together??

Even another 3/4 years apart would make a huge difference to everyone - your dd, his sons, etc.

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