Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

As I said before, if you're still not ready to move in together after more than a decade then something clearly isn't right with the relationship.

Oh please go away and take your ridiculous outdated view of what a relationship 'looks like' with you. I adore my DP but have no wish to move in with him at all. We both respect each other's space and separate interests.

Good decision @Positivelypatient and I'm sure you and your DP will be happy for years to come.

I no you really wanted this to work op.but this isn’t the end and you two have come out of this quickly to suit your both your well-being’s.how often do we see on here woman waiting it out or suffering because they have no where else to go. Or driving eqcother mad but they now live together so have no options.you both found the problem and sorted it.and on this case all the better that it was so soon sorted.it means you have your haven and your independence and retrieve.
you just have to work from here on in.don’t regret or what if.just see how it goes.
there are a lot of what ifsms to do with your dps future too I think. The farm etc I see will bring up a fair few questions in the future and I think you might be soooo glad your out of that for now! Do not get in the middle of eating farming families,add in inheritance and caboom.
take it at your pace and keep communicating though.keep telling each other where you are I think that is key here.
more and more kids are staying at home for longer though.again,especially on farming families.so I would say you might have to get used to that and work from there on how to live together if you want that to happen.spending longer periods there might have.get you embedded into their routines.
don’t be dis heartened though.

Glad you moved back and were able to cancel the sale.
I think you did the right thing.

I think there needs to be more discussion what you day to day lives will look like if/when you move in.

Are you interested in travel or going out? It doesn't sound like that happens when you go there.

My dad always said in this situation the only way to make it work is in a new home for everyone. Tricky for you guys though.

My kids and I moved in to DHs home but it was a total renovation project. So it's our home. It has recently become more apparent that my DSC will probably not be moving out anytime soon. DH has changed the goal posts a lot.

And if we split up we all be homeless cos he couldn't afford to buy me out and although I can all our neighbors are his immediate family.