Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

Farm life is a very different way of life if you aren't used to it. Farmers children can often live at home for a long time too, especially if they also work on the farm.

I think you need to establish that you won't be doing all of the cooking and cleaning for everyone. These are adult DC not children and they do not need looking after by you.

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie thank you yes I will be having a frank talk tonight.

I am seriously thinking that i will be moving back home for the time being, I don't think time will make any difference to getting used to the set up here. You are all right about the DS's being the insurmountable issue. Coupled with the feelings of guilt i already have about my DD.

What a mess.

Its never going to work in the present situation. Your partners sons have no inclination to move out. The younger one has no pressure to support himself.
If the area is that expensive the older one may stay longer.

What happens at Christmas etc. Your children have nowhere to come back to.

I would maintain a separate home for you. You’re only early 50s now. Don’t compromise.

In the future when your partner’s parents die what happens then? They may live quite a few years more. Sounds mercenary but I wouldn’t give up a house to move to a tied cottage.

This. So sad for your DD and I see you have other older kids too but you’ve basically shown DD where your priorities lie. Why the fuck do women do this.

get out of here. Men pull this kind of stunt all the time.

OP, really, don't sell your house. If necessary get a good agent and rent it out year at a time and see how living with your DP goes.

If he doesn't own his home, and you don't own your home, what happens when the cottage is no longer available?

And your daughter might be on board now but what if she needs space from Uni, or before getting a job and also has to come and live there? will she be so on board then?

I am absolutely floored by all the comments about how it is unfair to the OP's DD to sell the house and move - FGS she's off to Uni, not primary school, and it was made fairly clear that she knows she can always come and stay with her DM. Unless she has some specific trauma or issues with anxiety, she will be able to deal with it, no problem.

OP, seriously, don't feel guilty about this, if anything, take it as a teaching moment, the so-called "nest" isn't one place, one particular stack of bricks&mortar, it is wherever people that care for you are.

Why on earth would you give up your house, your job and most of your independence to become a housemaid to 3 adult men?? And now you are going to be wfh in a place where a man child is gaming all day while you are making his meals and cleaning up after them. Please reconsider selling your house OP.

My big brother was upset when I moved into his bedroom when he went off to uni. I had been sharing with my sister and thought he was just being selfish.

I bet your dd will be so relieved you are moving home.

I think it is hard to move in together after such a long time.
I have lived separately from my dp for 13 years and can't imagine living together I really can't.
How would do feel if you went back to your home?
Don't be hasty to sell your property.

I don't understand what you mean by you can't expect him to wait. Wait for what? What is the actual problem with continuing as you are for the time being?

I wouldn't be moving in with three adult men in my 50s if you paid me. Your last child has just flown the nest and you could have a beautiful spotless house, freedom to do what you want, peace and quiet and also a romantic relationship where you are treated as a date rather than a skivvy. Cancel your house sale!

Rent your house out and give it a year living with your dp to see how it goes. I only say this because I did exactly this and it took a year to settle and now I'm glad I did. If you give up your house permanently straight away you'll feel like you have no choices and won't give yourself a fair chance living with your dp who sounds lovely and understanding. Rent the house , try to enjoy the move , you'll kick yourself if you won't give it a fair crack but knowing your house is there if you really didn't like it will stop you feeling stuck. Good luck

I think that most posters feel strongly about this as Op has accepted that it's her role to look after her partner's adult sons instead who also haven't left home.

It's a bizarre choice to have made IMO. Her dd needs to accept that she has no proper home any more while the adult men sit in their family home and get everything done for them.

You seem quite conflicted OP, which is understandable - as is this:
I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men.

So why are you willingly putting yourself in the frame as unpaid maid of all work?
My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.
So don't treat them as men children.
Don't cook & clean for them FFS. You are not their handmaiden.

It's possible that one or both of the adult sons will be with you for many years yet. The gaming one might never move out. Don't set yourself up as their domestic appliance. It's ridiculous (& depressing) that you are looking to sacrifice yourself to their convenience, for no reason at all.

Preseumably, you have equity from your house sale?
If so, rather than continue feeling like an adjunct in someone else's house, would you consider buying a little flat close by, so you have your own bolt-hole?

I get the comments about me giving up independence and being a housemaid, obviously it's only been a week so I've not done too much of that yet.

There are obviously benefits for me to living here or I wouldn't have considered moving.
I get to finally live with my DP after 11 years together. I get to live in a beautiful part of the world in a rural setting. So it's not just what he gains from me. As I saw it, we would both gain.

The reality isn't matching up though and maybe its just early days but I don't think so.

If i move back home I'd probably get another job in my old organisation. The house is going through conveyancing but not sold yet so I can still pull out.

I think you're creating problems yourself by 1. Not even trying to make it your own space and 2. Cooking, cleaning up after the family like you have no choice in the matter. Do you feel like you've given it a good go? Will you regret not trying?

I don’t think there’s any point trying to give it a year. I think either OP buys a cottage nearby or stops the house sale and goes home. There’s no way she can change the dynamic of 3 adult men. Even if she stops cooking and cleaning for them they will still be stuck in a ménage à quatre, cinq if you include her DD.

Listen, OP, the one thing that is going to be absolutely useless to you in this situation is feeling guilty. You made a mistake. So , you made a mistake. That’s being human. You could say that you are so fond of your partner, and so excited about upping the relationship, that you over estimated the positives, and underestimated the negatives. That’s not a crime, it s not even very silly. It’s just human.

What would be silly is plugging on with something that you know in your heart is not going to work. If you can tell your DP your feelings in a non confrontational way ( probably not mention the loser in the games universe) and stress how you value the relationship as it was, I think you have a good chance of returning to your happiness.

Farmers are used to unexpected reverses ( personal experience) bloody weather and livestock are never predictable, so I think you have probability on your side.

good luck.

I live rurally. Every farm for miles around has 3 (and sometimes 4!) generations living on it.

This is the norm for your DP’s children. They won’t have plans to move out. Would living together apart work for you?

Op,
Don’t sell your house..
However, I don’t know why you would expect your dp’s dcs to leave their home. Particularly since renting or buying a home has become increasingly difficult .
The fact that one of your dp’s sons does nothing but gaming is not your business tbh.
Your dp has allowed his ds to behave like this and you knew this before you moved in.

My cousin is about to remarry after losing his first wife ten years ago. He has a lovely house and his three dcs ( ages 21, 25 and 27) live in the family home.
His wife to be is already talking about kicking the dcs out when she moves in with her young daughter. I just think that this is wrong
As far as she is concerned they are adults and should not be at home. The marriage is already doomed for failure imho.

Farm will be passed on to DP and his siblings.

What exactly does this mean? Normally ime the farm gets passed to one child as farms need one person in ultimate control. Will this be your dp or his siblings.

Fwiw, I think coming on here and talking about it is a bloody good idea, anonymous posters are harsh but able to speak without the fear of upsetting you like a friend would. Glad your have a friend irl to talk to as well.

Putting my tin helmet on here. No matter where or who you live with if cooking and cleaning is something you don't mind doing for other people go ahead and do it, you've already mentioned that it's not a given and you're under no obligation to do so but that part is always ignored by people reading the posts.
There seems to be a real problem with some MN's at the mear mention of a woman doing these kind of jobs especially when a man's involved.

OP your DP sounds decent enough and I really hope that after being together for so long there's a way you can work things out and stay together.

I don't get the bit about cooking and cleaning though. They have been looking after themselves until now so why shouldn't they continue to do so?

Just because a woman moves in it doesn't mean she takes over the domestic work - you're not a housekeeper!! Stop all that for a start. Take turns doing the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning etc, just as you would if it were your own home with adult children living in it.

If it were me though I'd be moving back out until his kids have left home. Don't give up your independence, you will almost certainly regret it.

The gaming one might never move out.
op, base everything on that and make your decision.

It's only been a week, and any change is massively unsettling. I'd try talking to your DP and say that this isn't matching up to your expectations, and how can you BOTH make things better.

But the honest reality is that his kids may be home forever, if he's letting them sit round gaming all day instead of living ... and I'd be re-evaluating how I looked at a partner who was this sort of parent.

Op if your DP’s parents own the farm and the main farmhouse could you sit down with DP and say you love him and want to make it work but you feel the two of you need your own space. Could the sons move into the main house for six months to give you time to bed in.

id also not sell the house yet. Rent it out

Oh OP I feel for you! Honestly, as some other PPs have said, there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake. Just tell him how much you miss having your own space. If he loves you, as I'm sure he does, he will understand!

You'll find a way forward, but this isn't it.