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Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

404 replies

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:32

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 21/10/2022 08:34

FWIW i never think it's a good idea to move into someone else's place unless there are really really good reasons (kids still at school being the big one, or it's a free palace) and i always think you should get something new for both of you.

But there is no way i would be skivvying after 3 grown men. Not even one grown man that i loved to distraction. Do not run down your savings either.

FivePotatoesHigh · 21/10/2022 08:35

Hillary17 · 21/10/2022 08:28

I’m really surprised people are so quick to say give up already! I don’t think you’ve made a mistake at all OP - these things are about time. When me and my husband started living together I cried almost everyday for two months because it was such a big adjustment. No space, expectation, his things everywhere and new routines. It’s hard. But being in a marriage or relationship is about compromise. Be as honest as you can be with him and also set yourself some boundaries. It sounds like a lot of the change is due to your own expectations and not talking about all of your new routines as a unit. Give it time.

This really isn’t normal, sorry.

Maytodecember · 21/10/2022 08:35

Make sure you own a property, a flat or small house. If your DP dies you’ll be homeless.
Could you buy a property nearer to him and live in that?
As it’s a farm can somewhere be built or converted for the sons?
Static caravan?
And why should you cook and clean? Presumably they looked after themselves pre you so they can look after themselves now.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 21/10/2022 08:35

I can't tell you how fast I'd drive away from that! Doing all the housework for three grown men? No bloody way! You have no privacy and your children don't have a home to return to.

Fluffluff · 21/10/2022 08:36

You need to sit down with him and say exactly what you feel.
Come up with a plan.

Awrite · 21/10/2022 08:37

I am another with a child almost at university age. The thought of removing her home from her is abhorrent to me.

You say this man loves you. Then, why would he end it if you moved home? Why is where you live on his terms? Why are his children prioritised?

Your daughter may be on board. I was fiercely independent at that age. I suspect because I had sturdy roots, ie a family home to always return to.

lovemelongtime · 21/10/2022 08:37

I would give it some time. Everyone is fixating on the OPs daughter, but she is on board and thats not a problem. I think you need to settle into a new lifestyle , it might be difficult at first but perhaps re-think your role inthe house. They all managed to cook , eat, do housework before you arrived and your partner sounds kind and supportive so am sure he wouldnt expect you to suddenly become a slave to the three of them.

Set yourself soem boundaries, perhaps put your house sale on hold for a motnh or two - but give yourself time to settle down , its all new and will take some time. Perhaps you could do one room up together with partner to make it feel more like "home" the bedroom perhaps - and then take it from there?

Good luck, must be a horrible feeling

Livelovebehappy · 21/10/2022 08:39

I really can’t see how you didn’t see this coming. You’ve been staying in his home frequently over the years, so knew the set up, and it didn’t bother you too much then, but does now? And they’re grown men, so don’t need a ‘step mum’. You really don't have to do things for them. I’m sure they’re capable of looking after their own needs, and you can look after yours and your DPs. I’m sure they will understand you haven’t moved in to look after all of them. If you can’t do this, then your only option is to move back out and reassess what you want to do going forward.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 21/10/2022 08:39

I think you were both so wrapped up in the excitement of finally living together that you forgot the adult DC issue (which is a legitimate issue).

Just say that to him. Say you love him, you want to live with him, but it needs to be when his DC have left, and you don’t want to pressure them, so you’re just going back to how it was before.

As long as you don’t make it a “them or me” situation, stay very calm, and just explain about how you hadn’t realised how uncomfortable you would be living with three adult men (reasonable) before you tried it, I think you’ll be okay.

I suspect you’re getting panicked because you’re in his house now, but once you move back home you’ll see it’s okay and just about having a really honest chat.

You aren’t being unreasonable here, and if he’s as great a partner as you describe he will probably understand. He certainly should. But don’t sabotage the relationship by leaving without a word!

Good luck OP.

LovelyChicken · 21/10/2022 08:40

It's your 'natural role' to skivvy for three grown men, one who doesn't work? They've fallen on their feet haven't they - and your DP who is supposedly so caring accepts this?

cleaningcarpets · 21/10/2022 08:40

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:53

Thank you for all your comments, I expected the ones about my DD being freshly to university. There is room here for her and she has been onboard with my move and is very fond of my DP. My other DDs have both left home already.

I don't think I can expect my DP to wait another x number of years for it to be the perfect time to live together. We are both early 50s now. So I am facing the reality of ending the relationship if I cannot make this work.

@Talon01 no not expecting them to move out, just don't think I can live with them. It's not them, its me.

Ah, I really feel for you! When you love someone, it can be easy to romanticise what living together might be like.

As your DP lives on the family farm, is he in line to inherit that one day? If not, what happens to his housing when he retires? It sounds like you have a good solid relationship that is worth preserving so you could perhaps buy a home near to the farm, where you could live now but at retirement, he could join you.

Sounds like you need a proper conversation with him and hash out all your options. He also needs to be telling gaming son to get a job! 😊

Badbaddogagain · 21/10/2022 08:40

Fluffluff · 21/10/2022 08:36

You need to sit down with him and say exactly what you feel.
Come up with a plan.

This. And give it time - a week is nothing! No to cooking and cleaning. Four adults in the house = take it in turns to cook, rota of cleaning jobs. You can make this work.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 21/10/2022 08:40

Whatever you do, don't sell your house now. You've just made a huge life change moving in with your partner and his sons and that's probably adding to the stress you're under. Talk to your partner about how you're feeling and any changes that would help. See how you feel in maybe six months? At least give yourself a bit of breathing space and an escape route. Hope it all works out.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 21/10/2022 08:41

Motnight · 21/10/2022 08:14

I don't understand why you would willingly take on the role of cooking and cleaning for 3 grown men (your words) whilst effectively ensuring that your own children have lost their family home.

This. So sad for your DD and I see you have other older kids too but you’ve basically shown DD where your priorities lie. Why the fuck do women do this.

CrampMcBastard · 21/10/2022 08:41

With the proceeds of your house sale, can you afford to buy a new place for the two of you? Keeping the farm house for the boys?

A bit unfair on your DD as she isn’t being given a place to live. But it might bring you more happiness.

Bramblejoos · 21/10/2022 08:42

You obviously are new to MN or you would have never gone down this route.

oakleaffy · 21/10/2022 08:43

@Positivelypatient
Buy somewhere Near if you must- but live separate lives.
It can really work!
Two couples I know live in separate houses, one couple actually live next door when the chap had his DC, and now DC have flown nest, ( Girls) the couple still haven’t “
Knocked though “
Two houses seems to work well.
Don’t live like a servant to three adult makes.
Your DC will hate it.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 21/10/2022 08:43

Who cooked, cleaned and skivvied before you moved in?

Candleabra · 21/10/2022 08:43

Why can’t you carry on as you were? Doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship.

LadyVictoriaSponge · 21/10/2022 08:43

You are selling your lovely home so your own children have nowhere to live when they return, to be a live in skivvy to three grown men in your fifties?? Are you mad?

RudsyFarmer · 21/10/2022 08:43

I would buy a new house nearer to him with the proceeds of the sale if your house. So you can be with each other away from the kids. Sounds like a much better idea for your sex life too!!!!

Theredjellybean · 21/10/2022 08:44

These two adult children live rent free and now have live in cook/cleaner...they are NEVER going to voluntarily leave .why would they ?
I get it ...you want a proper life with your dp, but realistically you are not going to get that.
I'd also be hugely concerned about why he has not dealt with the 23 yrs old.
The fact he has let this situation develop would make me think he never will ..so in 25 yrs time you'll be 75 and still caring for a 40yr old man child.

Candleabra · 21/10/2022 08:44

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 21/10/2022 08:43

Who cooked, cleaned and skivvied before you moved in?

Good point.

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2022 08:44

RewildingAmbridge · 21/10/2022 07:54

PIL moved while DH was at university to somewhere very rural, with no consideration for him, no local employment or public transport, so he didn't go home which they then complained about. It damaged their relationship for a number of years. At 18 especially these days with financial situations, they're not really proper adults. It seems unfair his sons still live at home in their mid twenties but you've sold your daughter's home as soon as she went to uni

My parents did this too. They were converting a barn while living in a caravan in the middle of nowhere having sold our family home in the town where I grew up and still had lots of friends etc.
Of course they had every right to do it but I didn’t used to visit and I know my Mum regretted it

Seaweed42 · 21/10/2022 08:44

Look sometimes we only find things out when we actually experience them and notice the difference when other anchor points in our lives are removed.
Your own house was an anchor point you didn't realise was so important to you.
I wonder if your job providd a social aspect to your life as well, because if it did then your social contact will now 'depend' on your DP and his family until you make your own friends near where he lives.
I'd find it very difficult to move in with another family too.
Sometimes we think we are flexible and 'easy going', but is anyone really easy going in all directions? I don't think so.