Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

This is nothing to do with you but I'm flabbergasted that a 23 year old man lives on a working farm which is farmed by his elderly grandparents,dad and uncle/aunt and he does nothing but sit around gaming all day.

I don't know many farming families that would put up with that level of laziness;he should be out working on the farm at the very least if he's not employed elsewhere.

He does willingly help with the cleaning on the campsite during the summer but that's it. And it's not what i would class as a real job, just helping out a bit.

OP,

You are very brave.

It would have been easier to stick your head in the sand, but you didn't.

You have also done a great thing for your daughter.

Would you consider making the house work for you with a couple of lodgers?.....monday to friday even so your weekends could be free.

I concur with the poster who finds it extraordinary that a 23 year old on a farm is allowed to be so lazy.

I don't imagine he will be shifted easily.

Do nice things for yourself and rest up, you have had a busy week cleaning!

Savour your own space.

Just out of interest, OP, was he surprised by your wish to return home? Did he try to stop you or acknowledge that changes might be needed?

1.5hr drive. Ok

hence Why I said couldn’t dp move into yours @Positivelypatient

i drive hour ish for work there and back. Sometimes 1.5 each way due to traffic

does he work weekends on farm on that’s for his parents

Could stay at yours over the weekend

mon am drive to work stay at his mon night and Tue
wed eve drive to yours and stay
thur am drive to work and stay at his thur
fri eve drive to your for weekend

and repeat

so have 5 nights together

@MeridianB No he could see how miserable I was after just a few days of being there so I think when I said we need to talk he knew what was coming. He did try to get to the bottom of what was the real problem and talked about how different changes could make it ok, but short of it being just me and him there we couldn't see a solution that didn't involve me moving back home.

@billy1966 thank you for your comments throughout the thread, they've been much appreciated. I don't think I could manage with a lodger but i think going forwards I would keep and maybe rent the house out if we get to the point of trying to live together again.

@Blondeshavemorefun unfortunately it wouldn't work if he moved in with me, when he's not doing his work off the farm he is often needed on it at different times of the year. Hopefully i will have more flexibility to visit now and extend the weekends. Maybe being there more without actually living there will prove an adequate compromise for now.

I think you've made a really sensible choice here.

Perhaps some space and distance will help you both see clearer what the future holds now.

I think you’ve definitely made the right decision. Hope things go well from here.

Thanks, it doesn't feel like it right now, but hopefully in time I'll thank myself!

I'm sure you will.

how do the domestics work on weekend visits? I got the impression the place was pretty chaotic, was he cleaning up for you?

I still think parents should think about selling

and enjoy the rest it their lives

esp if the 3 sons don’t want the farm and will sell it

Weekend visits at his house we would mostly cook dinner together which was nice and then clear up together. Mostly we shared the chores but I never felt like I had to.

Has your cat come home with you OP?

@Blondeshavemorefun his DF wants to just hobby farm now until he can't any more. My DP now 50+ isn't really wanting to start hardcore farming it won't be long until he wants to retire... he'll probably get there before his dad. The other 2 siblings aren't capable of running the farm.

The real problem is the succession planning should've been done 20 years ago but they are not fwd thinking people. It is a mess, but luckily not my mess.

Farming families are quite different in how things are structured as others have alluded to on this thread.

@birder yes she's here with me, seems to be quite happy being home although she did settle quickly there too. She's probably just thinking WTF was that all about!

I meant, you described the place as being a bit of a tip so I thought that meant you hadn't seen it like that before.

the cat probably thinks she's been on holiday!

Ah right, umm not really unless he had time but it didn't really bother me as it wasn't my mess.

You haven't given him any ultimatums where his DC is concerned with getting a FT job, made any demands that he wasn't in the house all day, or he kick him out.
You've been honest in how you feel, I dare say your DP respects you for that.

Good luck OP, sorry it hasn't gone to plan right now but I hope you can somehow live together in the future.

So it seems @Positivelypatient

i am not a farm girl 😂

Please please keep your job and your house. Giving those up means giving up your freedom and independence. And those of your DD. All so you can
wait on three men hand and foot. I cannot see one benefit to you of this arrangement.

As I said before, if you're still not ready to move in together after more than a decade then something clearly isn't right with the relationship.

Some relationships function perfectly well and give both people what they need, without living together. You can care for each, support each other and give each other what you need, without moving in together. It's not one size fits all. I think especially as you get older, you get more fixed in what you want and what you'll put up with.

It sounds to me like the OP's relationship could work very well if she were near enough to her DP to pop in for a cup of coffee and then go home. A three hour round trip isn't realistic for that. But I wouldn't bin off a relationship that works very well when people live separately, just because there's some unwritten rule about living together after two years, or whatever. And sometimes there are just practical obstacles that mean living together, however great it sounds in theory, just doesn't work in practice.

I agree.

I know of several devoted couples who are together many years but live separately.

Most had children and simply don't believe in the blended model and having had divorece and bereavement refused to risk their childrens happiness.

Unsurprisingly both sets of children hugely appreciate their parents sacrifice and socialise with each other every couple of months at a family dinner, or a weekend at a hotel. Nothing forced, just years of slowly getting to know each other.
I think it is a wonderful model for their children to see.

I play tennis with a lovely woman who is years in a relationship with a widower and was never prepared to move in with him.

She loved her own home and life.

His children have now left home although they do occasionally return for a month or so.

She says why fix what is not broken.
She has a busy social life, some very close female friends that she loves to entertain........and a lovely partner that she doesn't have to look after.

It looks like a lovely arrangement to her friends.

There is not just one way to make a relationship work.

You’ve made the right decision. You’ve put everyone first for 11 years and decided it was your time, which it is. I think I’d stick with it and you’ll know when is the right time. Good on you for trying it and good on you for being honest with yourself. I’m glad the cat has settled back too :-) xx

Thanks all, we are still very much together/apart and keen to find a workable solution so that I can eventually move back in. For now, I'm at home in my peaceful haven. Emails drafted to EA/solicitors to withdraw from sale. Once that is done I can relax a little. I'm sorry for my buyer but they were being quite fussy and expecting to renegotiate so that alone would've left me with less options. For now I'll sit tight and happy in the knowledge that my DDs have a familiar home when they need it.