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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

404 replies

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:32

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP posts:
Dustybarn · 21/10/2022 14:10

Blended families are always difficult and you are in the initial phase which is really tough - it can get better if you make some changes. Can you have a family meeting and set up a roster for cooking and cleaning? Surely they had one before…and could you use some of your house sale proceeds to buy a fabulous shed to work from which you can put in the garden? It will give you some peace and your own space.

WakingUpDistress · 21/10/2022 14:11

My experience of ‘blending into a farming family’ makes me say this is true @TheHappyLoser …

The farm and keeping the farm will always take precedence (as I’ve learnt the harsh way)

ScarlettnotOHara · 21/10/2022 14:14

Don’t sell your house this will not get better !

MossGrowsFat · 21/10/2022 14:14

Leaving it 11 years to move in together is just bizarre IMO.

I don't think so, I think that is putting existing children first which is why I am a bit 🤔 about posters saying OP is being selfish and not putting the children first. They have waited until all children are adults before putting their wants first.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 21/10/2022 14:25

Is there any possibility of your DP's parents selling you some of their land for you to build on? In which case designing a (prefabricated kit) house might be ideal. Sorting out utilities needn't be that hard, as it sounds like there already are a number of different buildings and the campsite on the land, and presumably you have access to tractors etc to dig trenches for pipes?

Then you could continue living by yourself, and your DP could join you for date nights. Why not find out what the local council's attitude towards granting planning permission might be? (it might be easier for an actively working farming family to get PP than it would be for eg a development company looking to build lots of commuter houses)

Or maybe there's another farming family nearby (friends of your DP perhaps?) who could sell you some of their land for this? Especially if they've just lost their EU funding.

Alternatively, it sounds like it's time for the two sons to move into their own caravans on the campsite (If there isn't mains electricity, they could easily rig up some solar panels), or in with their grandparents.

And I know you said you don't want to feel responsible for kicking the 23 yo out of his home, but it sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse, and your partner's failed to provide this so far.
Why not encourage him to go travelling - eg a working holiday in the UK or abroad,
with something like WWOOF wwoof.org.uk/
or Workaway www.workaway.info/ ?
This might inspire him to do something more fulfilling with his life....

EmmaH2022 · 21/10/2022 14:26

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 13:12

Thanks all for your comments I appreciate it isn't always possible to give enough information to really give you a complete sense of how things are. About the farm and inheritance I'm not worried about that, as I said, i will definitely be buying a flat in my hometown which will a) provide a base for all my DDs as and when they need it, b) give me long term security and independence outside of my relationship.

I'll be speaking to my DP tonight and telling him how I feel and that I cannot continue like this without a clear plan of action with regards to his DS's. Whether that's me only living here p/t until they move out (which would put the impetus on DP to make whatever changes he thinks are needed to create the right scenario for us to live together properly) or something else.

OP
This update is quite concerning. He could say all sorts of stuff.

please don't sell the house, even for a flat.

StopStartStop · 21/10/2022 14:28

Oh, OP, run! Dogsbody to three men, nowhere to invite your own children to visit or stay... what the heck are you doing?

Run!

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 14:29

@EmmaH2022 don't worry, I will be doing what's best for me in all of this, I thought that was moving here but it clearly isn't. Currently reading my estate agent contract to see what I'm liable for if i pull out of the sale.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 21/10/2022 14:33

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 14:29

@EmmaH2022 don't worry, I will be doing what's best for me in all of this, I thought that was moving here but it clearly isn't. Currently reading my estate agent contract to see what I'm liable for if i pull out of the sale.

oh phew

I'm 46, sis is 50, mum 83. The family home is still a happy place, whether it's just one, two or three of us there. You and your lovely DDs will have a lot of happiness to enjoy still, even if they are flown and grown.

maskersanonymous · 21/10/2022 14:38

I think you should move out... but you may want to still go ahead with your sale as prices may only go down for the next few years and if you could be mortgage free by buying a flat or another property that might be sensible. Perhaps you could rent near your partner in the short term while you decide what to do next.

YukoandHiro · 21/10/2022 14:40

Whatever you decide, don't sell your home.

SpentDandelion · 21/10/2022 14:47

So l am wondering how his two sons are adjusting to having you there permanently ? This thread is kind of all about you and what you want, they could be equally as miserable ? Can't help but notice how you paint them in such a ne

SpentDandelion · 21/10/2022 14:56

Sorry sent too soon,
it's just that you paint his sons in a negative light, l have two sons and can't help but try to see it from their perspective. Are they happy for you to be there permanently ? What if they are complaining to their Dad about you ? He is stuck in the middle of all this, it just seems so short sighted that after all this time this has come as such a shock, you having spent time there previously. It comes across as though because your daughters have flown the best you resent his sons still being at home.

SpentDandelion · 21/10/2022 14:57

The nest.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 15:00

No I don't resent them being in their own home I just don't think I will adjust. When I visit for weekends they're hardly around as they are in their bedrooms but seeing how it is in the week I just don't think I can get used to it.

Its totally my stupid fault and I've got no one to blame but myself for not having realised it before the move.

OP posts:
crosstalk · 21/10/2022 15:01

I wouldn't rush to leave, OP. Before you sit down with DP tonight, make a list of the pros and cons and the outcome you would wish for (sons living elsewhere etc).

However if this is a four bedroom farm cottage/house then the owners (DPs parents) could see it as a waste for sons to live elsewhere. Especially if older grandson is helping round the farm. The gaming son is the real problem - perhaps he has MH issues that haven't been addressed.

Tread carefully - these are his boys.

Certainly make sure you have your own property so another smaller house (you will be liable for buyers' costs at certain stages if you pull out of current deal) and will. Do not put much into this property if you stay. It's neither yours nor his.

LuckyLil · 21/10/2022 15:02

So you've been together 11 years but it's still too soon to move in together? Has it ever occured to you this isn't the relationship you thought it was and that perhaps you just shouldn't be in it, if after more than a decade you still think it's too soon to move in together? Are you honestly saying that if his sons didn't live there you'd miraculously feel differently after 11 years and suddenly embrace the thought of moving in? If 11 years is too soon then I think you need to be ready to be really honest with yourself about where this is going. If you're going to spend the rest of your lives living separately is there really any point?

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 15:02

Of course the thread is all about me as I'm the one writing it? I'm hardly going to be writing it on their behalf am I.

You can berate me all you like for not having understood the full implications but it doesn't change the situation now which is what I asked for advice about.

OP posts:
Charlieiscool · 21/10/2022 15:03

Why wouldn’t she resent the adult sons SpentDandelion? They should be living their own lives by now not lazing around doing nothing and continuing dependence on their father. As for OP cooking, cleaning and tidying after them, not to mention bringing more money in to the home, what have they got to worry about with that? They need a boot up the arse.

bluddybladder · 21/10/2022 15:09

I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t pull their weight…

I know you must be really disappointed OP.

The gaming DS is unlikely to change so sounds a bit of a liability really. Nightmare!

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 15:09

@LuckyLil now has been the first opportunity that we have been able to live together as my DDs have left home and youngest gone to uni. The relationship per se isn't the problem its the living situation with his 2 adult DS. I realise now that this isn't going to change and am trying to decide what i do next.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 21/10/2022 15:15

So you've been together 11 years but it's still too soon to move in together? Has it ever occured to you this isn't the relationship you thought it was and that perhaps you just shouldn't be in it, if after more than a decade you still think it's too soon to move in together? Are you honestly saying that if his sons didn't live there you'd miraculously feel differently after 11 years and suddenly embrace the thought of moving in?
Why not read her posts? That's exactly what she's saying! She's not enjoying the dynamic of living with 3 grown men.

If 11 years is too soon then I think you need to be ready to be really honest with yourself about where this is going. If you're going to spend the rest of your lives living separately is there really any point?
Loads of couples happily 'live apart together'.
Where is the rule that says that unless you cohabit, your relationship is pointless, & you should split?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/10/2022 15:19

Call off the sale and go back to your house until the adult DS's move out
Until then continue as you are
As you've found out the reality of living together does not match will the theory of living together
Your DD will need her own space to come back to, not jostle for space with Adult DS's who have no life plans
Your elder DD's will want to visit you too
As the house is tied to the farm, there is no future plan for deeds etc
It's ok to admit you made a mistake, but please make the move back soon otherwise you'll feel trapped
That's probably why you feel homesick

Lampzade · 21/10/2022 16:07

billy1966 · 21/10/2022 10:22

Perfectly normal for the reality to face you as you have just moved in.

Three mesdy meniving in a tip is who they are.

The only thing that will change that is you skivvying for them and why would you want to sign up for that?

Cleaning up, cooking, shopping for 4 adults is a lot of work.

No man is worth that effort or
commitment.

If he is as nice as you say he will understand.

The fact that he allowed you to move into a tip without insisting on a clean up beforehand, is a huge red flag to me.

Refusing to do anything doesn't work unless you are the type of person who doesn't care about living in a tip.

You clearly are not that person, so resolving this is not going to involve you sharing a space with them.

Trying to get them to clean up is not your job and I would think utterly futile.

Why would you bring such stress into your life at this point is genuinely beyond me.

I agree with what you said about the unnecessary stress the Op is introducing into her life
Her youngest daughter is at university, Op has a lovely home and a job.This is the time to relax.
Why the hell would you go and live on a farm with dp and his two sons in a grotty home ?

Lampzade · 21/10/2022 16:18

SpentDandelion · 21/10/2022 14:56

Sorry sent too soon,
it's just that you paint his sons in a negative light, l have two sons and can't help but try to see it from their perspective. Are they happy for you to be there permanently ? What if they are complaining to their Dad about you ? He is stuck in the middle of all this, it just seems so short sighted that after all this time this has come as such a shock, you having spent time there previously. It comes across as though because your daughters have flown the best you resent his sons still being at home.

I actually agree.
The sons lives will also be affected by Op’s presence. They have had their father to themselves and they have presumably muddled along.
They might have issues with Op coming into their home and judging them.
I understand Op’s dilemma . However, I think that Op is so focused on herself and her relationship with her dp, that it appears that she has ignored the fact that others have had to adapt in order to accommodate her.

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