Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

I would move back to my house, pull out of the sale and tell him you love him but you realise you can't live with adult DC's in the house. You'll wait until they move and then you both can live a quiet life. You tried, he tried. It didn't work this time, doesn't mean it's all over.

This.
To give up your house to move in with a boyfriend, zero legal protections would be sheer insanity. To choose to skivvy around after a boyfriend and two other adults is mind blowing.
Keep your home, why not just continue to date the bloke?

Thanks all for your comments I appreciate it isn't always possible to give enough information to really give you a complete sense of how things are. About the farm and inheritance I'm not worried about that, as I said, i will definitely be buying a flat in my hometown which will a) provide a base for all my DDs as and when they need it, b) give me long term security and independence outside of my relationship.

I'll be speaking to my DP tonight and telling him how I feel and that I cannot continue like this without a clear plan of action with regards to his DS's. Whether that's me only living here p/t until they move out (which would put the impetus on DP to make whatever changes he thinks are needed to create the right scenario for us to live together properly) or something else.

You are making all the adjustments to YOUR life, whereas partner is not. That would not sit right with me and means YOU have to adjust whereas he and the boys don't have to do anything and can carry on regardless.

I wouldn't say "sorry I've changed my mind" but would say "I'm going to postpone moving in for a little while as I thought it would be just us two in the mix, not your family also".

If you have not yet sold your house, pull out right now and give yourself another year at least to think things through fully.

I think any level of change is unsettling, and especially when you're the one who is making all those changes.

Be kind to yourself, and do what feels right to you. I think your DP needs to start showing some actions in getting his baby birds to learn to fly too. Our youngest left home aged 24 this summer, and I was starting to feel a little like I wanted some space. I miss her dreadfully, but it's lovely having a home to ourselves after 30 years of parenting.

Do not sell your house, or sell and buy place locally

Do not clean up after three adults, that is something you have control over

Go back home. Don't sell up but continue as you have previously. Maybe spending more time at each others homes. Wait until the boys have left before moving in together. Maybe you actions will prompt DP to help his boys move out or at least get a job.

As others have said, the bit I don't understand is why you would have to break up if you can't live together?

Why not be together, but in separate houses if that is what suits you both? It's lasted 11 years with being in separate set ups - why not continue?

Why hasn't your OH got his act together to sort out the house before you moved in. You seem a bit too ready OP to excuse him from any responsibility for the state of his house by saying he's busy. He must have some time plus he could get his sons to help - he sounds lazy when it comes to parenting and domestic chores. Not ideal!

I don't understand why moving back to your own home would necessitate ending your relationship? You've done it for 11 years, why not continue for a few more years until all your respective children have moved out and are independent? I'm baffled at the choice of timing, because your youngest DD will spend about half the year at "home", and surely she won't want to come to a small rural house containing 2 lazy young men who you skivvy for?!

@Positivelypatient in my experience this only works when you move into a new house so it’s a fresh start for everyone. When one person moves into someone else’s house it’s always hard, it will always never quite feel like your home. Adding adult kids who live there makes us ten times harder. It does seem like you are giving up an awful lot whereas your partners life remains status quo. My ex had adult kids who didn’t live with us but we’re round all the time and I found that hard even though they were great kids. It didn’t feel like my house. Living with them would have been even harder. Can you both not get a new place together nearby to the farm and let his kids remain there?

A final thougt, OP. Has your youngest only just left home, do you have a touch of empty nest syndrome? I'd wait until you've adjusted and created a happy post-children life for yourself before making any moving in together decisions. Just in case your motivations are muddied at the moment.

Agree.

If he valued and respected you, why has he allowed you to move into a tip?

Can you not understand how disrespectful this is?

OP, you are talking about sorting out HIS 23 year old son who games, having abandoned your own child just going into Uni.

Unbelievable.

I am trying not to be harsh, but it is really shocking that you would talk about helping his lazy arsed son, and your own daughter abandoned as she starts Uni.

His parents are elderly, who's going to step in there, when they need care?

Looks like you will nicely trained up to do that too.

Your children are likely to look back on this time as when mum buggered off to be with another family.

If your daughter holds what you have done against you, don't be surprised.

You have NO business whatsoever sorting out his 23 year old, having abandoned your own 17/18 year old.

You need to wake up and give your head a wobble.

I mean the above kindly but you are very wrong in your choices and I think you know it.

the place you were leaving - do you have friends, community links? Don't abandon them for a man.

I would usually agree but this is someone she’s only been dating for a few months.

OP is also getting a pretty good deal - living rent free, on a farm with a business and able to get a decent income from her property she is letting out.

Posters are acting like OP is being taken advantage of but I don’t see that at all. She sounds like she had planned this for years but the reality is much different than she thought it would be.

OP I would definitely talk to your DP but I wouldn’t make any plans that involve when his DC move out.
With the rising cost of living there are more and more adult children who stay living with their parents or end up moving back home.

*isn’t someone

Dramatic.
not quite what she said.

I feel the best option is to move out. The sooner you are honest and do it the better off your relationship will be. It will probably sting for your partner to hear it but if he really loves you he wouldn’t want you to be unhappy like this and he will understand. I think a good man would want you to be honest.

I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here

Why??? Why did you expect that??? And having realised how shite it is, why do it???

I’m not going to comment about the dss etc…

But it seems that one thing that has been discussed is how will this house become YOUR house too. Not just you fitting in whatever is there and having to suck it up. But making it your house because you also have a say in how it’s run, how the decorating is, the bits and pieces used to decorate the house etc…. You know a house for both you and your partner rather than a house for him (and his dcs).

You seem to have moved in and have the unconscious expectation that you have to live with the dsc and be a mother for them as well as do all the cooking etc… ‘Because that’s what you’ve done for your dd’. And that you can’t really change anything to how things are done because it’s not your house…..
Time to remind everyone that you being there isn’t like it was, a guest in their house.

fwiw from what you said, I feel this is where he issue you have with the dsc is coming from. How can you change that house and find a routine that works for both you and your partner if you feel like you can’t change the dsc routine and house set up ‘Because it’s their house’ whilst feeling you have to play mum with them ‘because that’s what you’ve done for your own child’.
You need to discuss what is your role in the set up. Whose responsibility it is to do what. How to move into a blended family (rather than just as a couple). How to make that physical space a space for yourself. And you need to listen to your DP. He never asked you to be a skivvy. Don’t become one and be resentful of it.

She doesnt need to compromise to the point shes miserable and has a new life as servant to 3 lazy men

Where are you reading they are lazy?

Dropping rapidly around here. More ‘price reduced’ than new instructions on the daily onthemarket

Somehow keep your own space until the man children move out. Either rent or buy nearby so you can have the best of both worlds, otherwise it just won’t work as outlined by other people, especially for your own children 😐

In the OP where she's talking about the 23 year old who doesn't work or drive and spends all his time gaming and where she refers to them as manchildren, presumably...

It does seem crazy to give up your job, sell your house (particularly as you still have a dependent child) and move in with 3 grown men.

You are giving up everything and gaining nothing. (Yes more time with your partner - but even if he's the greatest guy on the planet, you still have to live with his grown sons).

As they are part of a farming family, the culture is often very co-dependant. Outsiders are often bled dry to support the farm.
Don't count on the farm being sold and split up unless you've seen the grandads will with your own eyes! Often the farm is viewed as way more important than the family.

All of this