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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

404 replies

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:32

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 16:35

Well so far they've had a clean bathroom, lounge and kitchen plus 3 cooked meals on the table, hopefully that's not too much to resent me for!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/10/2022 16:36

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 16:35

Well so far they've had a clean bathroom, lounge and kitchen plus 3 cooked meals on the table, hopefully that's not too much to resent me for!

You monster Grin

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/10/2022 16:50

Hope your chat with DP goes well

Mollyplop999 · 21/10/2022 17:09

I feel so sorry for you OP. I was in a very similar situation. As you say tge reality doesn't always match your expectations, but that's not your fault. You can't possibly know how things will work out until it happens. Ignore the negative comments. You don't need them. You've certainly not rushed into anything and have nothing to feel guilty about. I really hope you can work it out.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/10/2022 17:44

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 16:35

Well so far they've had a clean bathroom, lounge and kitchen plus 3 cooked meals on the table, hopefully that's not too much to resent me for!

3 cooked meals? Why?

FrancescaContini · 21/10/2022 17:53

Have you sold your own house?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/10/2022 19:19

I have a friend who did exactly what you did. Had a long distance relationship for a decade then sold her house and moved in with her DP and grown children. It lasted less than a year and she had no home to go back to her.

Please do not sell your house! Move back and only agree to live with DP when he is child free.

If you decide to stay at the very least rent your house out... don't give yourself nowhere to go.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/10/2022 19:45

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 15:09

@LuckyLil now has been the first opportunity that we have been able to live together as my DDs have left home and youngest gone to uni. The relationship per se isn't the problem its the living situation with his 2 adult DS. I realise now that this isn't going to change and am trying to decide what i do next.

Why can’t dp move in with you @Positivelypatient

leaving sons to fend for their selves which at 23&25 should be an,e to

TheHappyLoser · 21/10/2022 20:50

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 16:35

Well so far they've had a clean bathroom, lounge and kitchen plus 3 cooked meals on the table, hopefully that's not too much to resent me for!

Alternatively you can move in with me! Grin

And on a serious note, these guys might not value those things as much as you (do it looks like you're coming in and taking over the place) or they do value them (and are rubbing their hands in glee as they now have a free live-in housekeeper.

Either is bad.

Zonder · 21/10/2022 21:44

How did the conversation go? I hope you're ok.

allboysherebutme · 21/10/2022 22:55

Move out and buy your own house close to your partner if you wish.
You need your own home for you child to come back to.
Once your partners child and your child have their own homes, sell both houses and buy one together. X

Motnight · 22/10/2022 08:43

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 16:35

Well so far they've had a clean bathroom, lounge and kitchen plus 3 cooked meals on the table, hopefully that's not too much to resent me for!

Just what a good housekeeper would provide.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 22/10/2022 08:48

Just to update you all, we spoke at length last night and agreed that I need to go back home for now.

I will look at withdrawing from my house sale on Monday.

We are both utterly devastated but are 100% committed to finding a way to be together in the future. It is going to be so hard to go back to weekends only, especially when I know it was all for the taking but seemingly not enough for me right now.

Thank you to all who took the time to comment on my posts, I don't think I'd have had the courage to do what I'm about to do without you all.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 22/10/2022 08:49

A bittersweet update, OP, but one which will give you the breathing space you need.

Motnight · 22/10/2022 08:55

Op I think that you have done the right thing. Good luck

hardtochangename · 22/10/2022 08:58

He sounds like a very understanding man. Unless his sons move out you really need a neutral place to start living together and what with the family farm dynamic is that ever likely to come about? Wishing you well.

Runaway1 · 22/10/2022 09:27

You’ve been really courageous in trying out a new life and in accepting this version of the new life is not for you. You’ve both learned a lot about what your future together needs to be like. It sounds like you love each other very much.

Ivyonafence · 22/10/2022 09:34

Have you had a conversation about the distribution of household chores and cooking?

Would you feel differently if the sons each cooked dinner two nights a week and DP agreed to do all the laundry etc?

Presumably they've been taking care of themselves for a while, why are you suddenly caring for them all?

CatchersAndDreams · 22/10/2022 09:44

Did you speak about his failure to launch son and what could be done?

kateandme · 22/10/2022 10:32

Positivelypatient · 22/10/2022 08:48

Just to update you all, we spoke at length last night and agreed that I need to go back home for now.

I will look at withdrawing from my house sale on Monday.

We are both utterly devastated but are 100% committed to finding a way to be together in the future. It is going to be so hard to go back to weekends only, especially when I know it was all for the taking but seemingly not enough for me right now.

Thank you to all who took the time to comment on my posts, I don't think I'd have had the courage to do what I'm about to do without you all.

Maybe it could be a bit better.what about every month you spend a week down there.this could be beneficial in many ways.and would mean it doesn’t go back to just weekends.

Goldenphoenix · 22/10/2022 10:49

Good decision and update OP, well done. My Mum and her partner have been together over a decade and don't live together - it works really well for them and they don't have plans to change it. They spend a week at each others place in turn with time apart in between for them to do their own thing. If it ain't broke don't fix it!

ImGood · 22/10/2022 11:16

Well at least you know you tried it. Maybe it will make you feel more settled knowing it didn’t work out.

Musti · 22/10/2022 11:23

Hi op. Pause the selling of your house and see how it goes. It will take a while to get used to it.

I have been living on my own for over 3 years and I don’t think I could live full time with another man again. I like my freedom and not having to do stuff unless it suits me and my kids. When my boyfriend stays longer than 2 days I start wanting my own space.

But also only do your fair share of the cooking and cleaning - 1/4 of it. And discuss how you want the house to look and be and the routines you like. Just because you’re moving into his house doesn’t mean that it has to stay the way it is. And your dp has said that he wants you to be happy, so you have to tell him.

And if it does turn out that you would rather continue living apart whilst the kids are at home then I don’t see why the relationship has to end?

Musti · 22/10/2022 11:34

Hi op. Just read your update. See how you feel next year. Maybe after a year of living alone, you’ll be ready to live with someone again. Or do either of you work remotely where you could do one week in each other’s houses?

I have some friends whose kids have left for uni recently and it is a very emotional time for them. I don’t think it is the right time to make any life changing decisions.

I actually like when my boyfriend’s (also grown kids, one at home and one at uni) are around. I like to chat to them and meet their friends. One of them is messy but then so are my kids so I’m quite forgiving of that. But that is as a visitor, not sure how I’d be if I had to live with them.

But next year you might find that you still prefer to live on your own.

Jewel7 · 22/10/2022 11:42

If I was you and you wanted to be there and are dedicated to make it work. I would consider half the week at yours half at his. It sounds like you like the way of life at his house. But don’t want to be their maid! Completely get that! Ease yourself in gradually. Definitely don’t ever sell your own home though. As it’s yours and your child’s nest egg. Could yourself and your oh move nearby together leaving his sons to it? Is there a plan for the one who doesn’t work? Well done for conversing with him. He sounds understanding too.

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