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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

404 replies

Positivelypatient · 21/10/2022 07:32

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 22/10/2022 11:48

It would be a lot easier to both just accept the relationship isn't working, then either remain single or find someone you do want to move in with. As I said before, if you're still not ready to move in together after more than a decade then something clearly isn't right with the relationship.

EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 11:55

I'm glad you've done this and appreciate the update. Flowers

healthadvice123 · 22/10/2022 12:04

Everyone jumping on the OP partner , Op clearly said she is not expected to cook and clean but she jumped into it
If its not working say now while you can and maybe your relationship will survive maybe it won't , The OP partner also does get a say and if he has had enough pf long distance thats ok
Kids home at 22 & 25 hardly unusual this day and age for most working families
And Op own daughter may be at same age by time she does uni , returns back gets a job etc
Calling them manchild when they haven't expected anything, and have obviously coped for last 11 years looking after themselves

healthadvice123 · 22/10/2022 12:06

Could you rent your house instead and then see how you feel in maybe 6 months, but bring in changes
Rota cooking , cleaning etc

healthadvice123 · 22/10/2022 12:08

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem did you not read the thread ??
Op dd is fine with it and pn board, OP also intends to buy a small flat so her dd and her have a place if needed
So not neglected her dd at all, people move on , sometimes family homes have to be sold as money is required , parents spilt etc

healthadvice123 · 22/10/2022 12:08

@CrampMcBastard OP already said she is buying a flat

healthadvice123 · 22/10/2022 12:11

@CatchersAndDreams why if she doesn't now live there its not really up to her is it?
If a man was telling a women on here how to parent it would be LTB , put your kids first

KettrickenSmiled · 22/10/2022 12:12

LuckyLil · 22/10/2022 11:48

It would be a lot easier to both just accept the relationship isn't working, then either remain single or find someone you do want to move in with. As I said before, if you're still not ready to move in together after more than a decade then something clearly isn't right with the relationship.

Saying it twice doesn't make it true @LuckyLil

Have you not taken any notice of the many PP who are in happy, non-cohabiting relationships?
Why do you feel that a relationship isn't "working" unless you're shacked up together?

Palava57 · 22/10/2022 12:13

The OPs relationship is good. One doesn’t give that up easily in midlife as they are so hard to find.

What isn’t working is living in the OPs partners house together with their adult DC. The OP has come to the only possible solution for her (& the relationship) in the current circs.
I described somewhere upthread my broadly similar situation which has been thus for nearly 3 years and I have now accepted there is going to be no change. After reading the OPs posts, I too am going to revert to weekends so have a difficult conversation to start asap… our relationship is good when we are alone but stressed when DPs adult live here. I think this is the only way to stop us breaking up & I am very sad.

Musti · 22/10/2022 12:14

LuckyLil · 22/10/2022 11:48

It would be a lot easier to both just accept the relationship isn't working, then either remain single or find someone you do want to move in with. As I said before, if you're still not ready to move in together after more than a decade then something clearly isn't right with the relationship.

Give over! It sounds like they have a wonderful relationship,

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/10/2022 12:16

You've done the right thing OP
I'm glad your DP is understanding
When you've had breathing space back in your own home, you might find another way to work things out

wizzywig · 22/10/2022 12:20

Don't farmers have very rigid life's? And your life fits around the running of the farm?

Robinni · 22/10/2022 12:29

OP I am so relieved for you reading your update. It sounds like the best thing for all involved.

Laurdo · 22/10/2022 12:38

I don't think the issue is you living together, it's you moving into someone elses home. If you're going to move in together I think it's only fair that you both sell your houses and buy a house together so no one feels that they've living in someone elses home. I don't see why you should give up your home when he hasn't. Also, if you were to split it would be you left homeless not him.

You've been together 11 and lived apart all that time. That's long time to be together without making any real commitment like moving in together. Was there a reason for that? Of course everyone is different and everyone's relationships move at different paces but that just seems odd to me.

EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 12:39

So many people don't read OP posts. Or is it that they read on a small screen and just scan it?

whynotwhatknot · 22/10/2022 12:41

glad youre keeping your house op-maybe you can buy something closer one day

loads of people dont live together even married couples like helen mirren and her dh

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 22/10/2022 13:08

Well that's it, I'm back home. It's a 1.5hr drive so not very far really. I just feel very numb right now, I can't actually believe this has happened. I have a good friend, family and my daughter around me who are being so supportive.

Its going to take some time to work out what our future now looks like. What I have come to realise is that I compromised too much and sacrificed too much for the dream of living together. So it wasn't the right time to be there after all.

@Palava57 Im glad my experience has helped you in some small way, I am sorry that you too find yourself in difficult circumstances. Best wishes to you.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 13:15

OP "What I have come to realise is that I compromised too much and sacrificed too much for the dream of living together."

maybe ponder where the dream comes from. Sometimes our dreams shouldn't go near reality. 1.5 hours isn't bad at all, I'd not call it LDR.

I hope you are okay.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 22/10/2022 13:23

@EmmaH2022 no its not far at all but when there are kids, albeit adult ones involved, it feels like it might aswell be the moon! That being said, there should be some scope to spend more time together seeing as I have up my job. If the self employed hustle can tide me over then that does give more options.

Its a bit sad to not have dreams and this one didn't feel too 'out there'.

Appreciate your comments you've been very kind x

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 22/10/2022 13:25

You've done the right thing. The move back doesn't have to be all or nothing when it's what has worked for the last however many years.
Now your DD has gone to uni you do have some more freedom and some more flexibility. You can spend time and overnights at your DP during the week if you want to. 1.5hrs drive is really not that much. Can you gradually make his home into a home for both of you and gradually work with his DSs to help them be more independent?

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 22/10/2022 13:30

@oviraptor21 yes I think that might be what we need to work towards. Maybe not being there while changes start to happen is best.

On the whole, I think it was right that I came home straight away, if I'd have stayed for weeks or months that might have damaged our relationship beyond repair.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 22/10/2022 13:48

At least you gave it a try, so they'll be no 'what if's'.
Your partner does sound like a nice person and I'm sure he's upset that things didn’t go to plan.

Will there be times that your DP can come and stay with you?

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 22/10/2022 13:54

Yes @Crumpleton we have been doing 1 weekend at mine and 1 at his for over 11 years now. That will hopefully continue as long as he wants it to.

Yes we are both extremely upset at this, its hard to not just get in my car now and drive back there. But we definitely need space to think and recover from the traumatic week.

OP posts:
Ironbridge · 22/10/2022 14:00

Not every long term relationship has to transition to living together, and it is never as easy when there are other family members involved. I've been with my partner 5 years, spending weekends together. We did live together for a year with my kids but it didn't work on many levels for both of us. So he moved back out and a year later we are still very happy together. It also made me realise how much I enjoy having time for myself during the week and how much I look forward to our weekends together. Sometimes things don't work out as you expect but you seem to have a very solid relationship and the distance doesn't seem too great so I'm sure you and your partner will have a good future together.

greenhousegal · 22/10/2022 14:06

Just to mention to those who think not moving in after a set time is a bad sign ahem.... I am with my dear partner for over twenty years now. We do not live together. He lives in the countryside an hour away and I live in the city. We have the best of both worlds and are extremely happy (touch wood).

We are getting on a bit now and it suits us. Just like the King and Queen I suppose! No intention of marrying either, we don't need to financially or any other way. No kids either side which makes things far less complicated in lots of ways. No exes either.

I highly recommend it.

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