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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with woman 37 years younger than me

385 replies

HeartBrokenWife · 18/10/2022 21:58

I feel broken. I had no idea he’d fallen out of love with me. I’m 61 and he’s a little bit younger, but the woman he’s having an affair with is just so much younger than me that it has made me feel almost suicidal. I’m not going to do anything to myself, but I can’t eat or sleep and he’s just smirking at me. I feel utterly humiliated.

My daughter is taking me to a solicitor tomorrow and I’m going to start divorce proceedings, but I feel hollowed out inside and I’m asking myself over and over what I did wrong. I couldn’t help growing older. I’m so sad 😭

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 21/10/2022 01:35

At 49 I have a "hobby".

We spend EOW together, and a couple of evenings in between. He would like more I know, but it suits me. When his LL gave him notice as he was selling I know that all of our friends expected him to move in with me (I think he expected me to broach it too although he never asked) but I didnt. I am single, as in unmarried, but in a faithful relationship. If he wants more then it wont happen and I will accept a break up. I wont want it as, selfishly, this works for me but I will accept it.

For me it is the perfect relationship. We do all the nice rom com stuff without getting to the grotty nitty gritty of washing pants/falling out over who's turn it is to do XYZ. And we both get more sex now, ironically, than either of us ever did when we were married to our now ex spouses!

Oh and I own my own house with the mortgage being paid off just before Xmas....not sharing that hard work with ANYONE!!

There is a middle ground between "Alone" and "Married".

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/10/2022 01:50

HAvent checked but I seem to recall that life expectancy is (longest to shortest)

Married Men
Single Women
Single Men
Married Women

I do remember that married men were top and married women were bottom!

Says it all really.......

Although I find it interesting that when women outlive their husbands they then spend the next 20 odd years roaring it up with fellow widows, and narry a man in sight!

EmmaH2022 · 21/10/2022 01:57

Pyong that sounds like a hobby even I could manage. I can’t live with anyone and I can’t mix finances. I also can’t fathom doing the domestic thing but I admit, the boyfriends who wanted to cook, iron, polish my shoes- well, it would have been churlish to stop them. 😁

Trez1510 · 21/10/2022 02:01

@PyongyangKipperbang

You pretty much described my situation too, although my partner cares for his mother so the potential 'living together' situation is hopefully some way off.

We have discussed it, of course, and neither of us is keen to destroy what we have (which we both described as trusting, wonderful, supportive, fun etc. etc.) with the day-to-day grind and very little personal time/space. Our finances are completely separate too, but we do share costs of socialising/holidays etc.

We love our holidays together, but both of us are relieved to return to our own routines/space when we get home. We miss each other intensely for the first couple of days after a break/holiday, but we know 24/7/365 is not for us even if it would be much, much cheaper!

ViolinPin · 21/10/2022 02:20

When younger I was always astonished at the bravery of many of the older married ladies who lost their husbands, their resolve and acceptance of death and an ability to carry on and make the best of things.

Many with a new lease of life with friends, clubs and socialising, how do I say this without sounding harsh, it appears some of them relished their new found freedom.

I suppose you don't ever know how hard some ladies have it, but you can hazard a guess.

One lady in the news recently, in her eighties, 'accidentally' ran her h over in their driveway, no idea if that ones going to trial, makes you think though.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/10/2022 02:23

Thats the thing.....you get all the good stuff with none of the hassle!

We have a song that we love by Pink "Leave me alone, I'm lonely" and it describes this kind of set up perfectly. "Say goodbye, it will make me want to miss you". You appreciate the other person so much more when they are not there all the time! I highly recommend a listen. The trouble is that the first flush of love/lust makes you want to be with each other all the time, which is lovely of course. But with age comes the knowledge that the proverbs "Familiarity breeds contempt" and "Absence makes the heart grow stronger" both have roots in reality.

And DP (yes we do describe each other as partners, as thats what we are) and I are very different in what we like. He has his TV on all the fucking time, he will watch some shite film just to watch something. I havent had a TV license in years as I dont need one and love silence or listening to audiobooks or radio plays at most. Mainly I love reading and doing crosswords.

We agree that the only way we can live together is to live apart! The Helena Bonham Carter/Time Burton arrangement would be the only way I think!

Afterfire · 21/10/2022 07:12

ViolinPin · 21/10/2022 02:20

When younger I was always astonished at the bravery of many of the older married ladies who lost their husbands, their resolve and acceptance of death and an ability to carry on and make the best of things.

Many with a new lease of life with friends, clubs and socialising, how do I say this without sounding harsh, it appears some of them relished their new found freedom.

I suppose you don't ever know how hard some ladies have it, but you can hazard a guess.

One lady in the news recently, in her eighties, 'accidentally' ran her h over in their driveway, no idea if that ones going to trial, makes you think though.

I had a neighbour in my 20s who was in her mid 70s when her husband died - not sure what of but it was some sort of lingering illness, cancer probably- they had their adult children visiting and she looked really sad and I remember thinking how awful that must have been, to spend your whole life with someone and then suddenly them dying.

When he finally died I remember her waving her children off on the doorstep, tissue in her hand, looking really heartbroken and then for the next few weeks I’d hear her playing really cheerful party music, having friends round for loud, cheerful gatherings etc.

I bumped into her in the front garden and said how sorry I was that her husband died and she laughed and said she couldn’t stand the miserable bugger and was finally free and she told me never to get married 😳😆

I am 42 now and it still makes me laugh when I think about it. Her children had no idea she felt like that. I think a lot of women do feel that way.

ThatAussieGuy · 21/10/2022 07:16

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Am I allowed to swear? I am constanty disappointed by men....

ViolinPin · 21/10/2022 14:24

ThatAussieGuy · 21/10/2022 07:16

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Am I allowed to swear? I am constanty disappointed by men....

We all are ...

thefunmumxo · 21/10/2022 16:41

He will grow old on his own. Alone. You will continue to have the support from your loving children for the rest of your life. You can now live your life, be happy.

HesterAndPearlInBrightSunshine · 21/10/2022 21:56

So sad for you OP... but he'll die alone and despised.
Never be tempted to help him in his old age. Hopefully he'll learn something then.

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 00:58

ViolinPin · 21/10/2022 02:20

When younger I was always astonished at the bravery of many of the older married ladies who lost their husbands, their resolve and acceptance of death and an ability to carry on and make the best of things.

Many with a new lease of life with friends, clubs and socialising, how do I say this without sounding harsh, it appears some of them relished their new found freedom.

I suppose you don't ever know how hard some ladies have it, but you can hazard a guess.

One lady in the news recently, in her eighties, 'accidentally' ran her h over in their driveway, no idea if that ones going to trial, makes you think though.

Right?! Many an older woman I’ve talked to wouldn’t ever get married or live with a man again. More than a few of my moms have said they are “too happy” to deal with it.

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 01:04

HesterAndPearlInBrightSunshine · 21/10/2022 21:56

So sad for you OP... but he'll die alone and despised.
Never be tempted to help him in his old age. Hopefully he'll learn something then.

And he will live as a KNOWN fool!

Yes, I wish women would stop helping these men out of pity. Have pity for the next wave of women who have to deal with these entitled man children and start raising the bar so that it is not normalized or revered.

It shouldn’t be “ Oh Norma, that man put her through hell and like an angle she took care of him when he came back riddled with cancer. She is a saint” It SHOULD be “Oh Norma? I just saw her the other day glowing. She is going on this wonderful holiday soon! Heard about her terrible ex dying alone… so very sad….sigh….let that be a lesson to them…”

ViolinPin · 22/10/2022 01:33

SHOULD be “Oh Norma? I just saw her the other day glowing. She is going
on this wonderful holiday soon! Heard about her terrible ex dying
alone… so very sad….sigh….let that be a lesson to them…”

To be fair, I do think this does happen to many a man.

Just ask nurses, they see abandonement.

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 03:23

ViolinPin · 22/10/2022 01:33

SHOULD be “Oh Norma? I just saw her the other day glowing. She is going
on this wonderful holiday soon! Heard about her terrible ex dying
alone… so very sad….sigh….let that be a lesson to them…”

To be fair, I do think this does happen to many a man.

Just ask nurses, they see abandonement.

if a man is cheating and leaves a wife then he deserves it. But that’s sad about others who don’t deserve it. So, I will temper my roar! :)

TreeFishFrog · 22/10/2022 04:43

Just to add to the chorus of only one person out of the two of you should be humiliated and it's definitely not you. He's making an utter fool of himself. Can you imagine him taking her out to dinner with his friends (if he has any left). All the women are mature adults, kids left home, moving on with life and there's her, there because she's shagging her boss, the same age as their kids, a completely different stage of life, interests etc. They will have so much in common....NOT. Likewise imagine the reverse, him out on the lash with her twenty something friends and him nearly 60yrs. He's going to look like an old creep at best or at worst like one of them brought their Dad out for a laugh.

Your tiny cottage sounds blissful, I am sure that your life will move forward to a rosy future filled with your interests, your wonderful daughter and thankfully free of a man-baby who apparently only thinks with his dick.

ThatAussieGuy · 22/10/2022 06:45

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 00:58

Right?! Many an older woman I’ve talked to wouldn’t ever get married or live with a man again. More than a few of my moms have said they are “too happy” to deal with it.

Show quote history

It's a fact that men tend to be happier married and women tend to be happier single

EndlessMagpies · 22/10/2022 11:12

ThatAussieGuy · 22/10/2022 06:45

It's a fact that men tend to be happier married and women tend to be happier single

Show quote history

I can't imagine why Grin

Jewel7 · 22/10/2022 11:59

Your life is going to get so
much better. Once you are living separately. You deserve so much more. Everyone that knows him will think he has lost the plot. I very much doubt the young person will stay with him! Then you can be the one doing the smirking! It sounds like he has put you down and you have given in and accepted. See a counsellor, make a plan. Move out if you can afford to but speak to your solicitor first.

ViolinPin · 22/10/2022 12:54

TreeFishFrog · 22/10/2022 04:43

Just to add to the chorus of only one person out of the two of you should be humiliated and it's definitely not you. He's making an utter fool of himself. Can you imagine him taking her out to dinner with his friends (if he has any left). All the women are mature adults, kids left home, moving on with life and there's her, there because she's shagging her boss, the same age as their kids, a completely different stage of life, interests etc. They will have so much in common....NOT. Likewise imagine the reverse, him out on the lash with her twenty something friends and him nearly 60yrs. He's going to look like an old creep at best or at worst like one of them brought their Dad out for a laugh.

Your tiny cottage sounds blissful, I am sure that your life will move forward to a rosy future filled with your interests, your wonderful daughter and thankfully free of a man-baby who apparently only thinks with his dick.

This 👆

His immaturity is staggering, his lack of social and moral boudaries would have me dissasociating myself from him and your children, what must they think.

Again I am very sorry, your lack of respect for him must make you never wanting to look him in the eye again.
Repulsive.

erikbloodaxe · 22/10/2022 13:23

Fuck him and fuck her. You will be the winner in this horrible mess they have created Op. He's a cunt and she's just a well used cunt.

Hold your head up, stay angry, stay strong and the clouds will part for the sun to shine for you again.

newfriend05 · 22/10/2022 13:26

erikbloodaxe · 22/10/2022 13:23

Fuck him and fuck her. You will be the winner in this horrible mess they have created Op. He's a cunt and she's just a well used cunt.

Hold your head up, stay angry, stay strong and the clouds will part for the sun to shine for you again.

This

GGGD · 22/10/2022 21:34

Much as your likely immediate instinct is to disassociate yourself by divorcing him, OP, I hope you prioritise changing your will.

Fraaahnces · 22/10/2022 22:59

My grandfather repeatedly cheated on my grandmother. Because they lived in a horrid little country town in Australia from the 30’s to the 60’s when he died, news of his transgressions got back to her pretty damn quick. He also insisted on coming home for a hot meal at lunchtime which isn’t a part of the Aussie culture, but was a way of ensuring that she had no social life or wasn’t “frittering away their retirement money”. Once the old bastard died, she aged in reverse. She bought colourful dresses and shoes, stopped doing her hair in the regulation “old duck perm” and took up painting and ceramics (and golfing and cocktails.) She quickly learned that people had loathed him and adored her, and he had been jealous of her social skills. When out at Rotary (social climbing) evenings, people had constantly asked him where she was, as she played the piano and poured a mean martini. He never took her. Bastard.

BankseyVest · 23/10/2022 03:50

I worked in a large financial organisation a few years ago and one of the directors, in his late 40s, was outed as having an affair with one of the girls on the call centre, she was half his age and only a few years older than his eldest daughter. He was the laughing stock of the company. Loads of people googled his Facebook profile and were taking the piss out of the fact it looked like he had 3 daughters when a photo appeared, if his gf and kids. His wife remained quiet about it all, but trust me op, he was the one that was humiliated, I think we were all in awe of his, now ex wife, as she remained dignified whilst he made an utter Pratt of himself