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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with woman 37 years younger than me

385 replies

HeartBrokenWife · 18/10/2022 21:58

I feel broken. I had no idea he’d fallen out of love with me. I’m 61 and he’s a little bit younger, but the woman he’s having an affair with is just so much younger than me that it has made me feel almost suicidal. I’m not going to do anything to myself, but I can’t eat or sleep and he’s just smirking at me. I feel utterly humiliated.

My daughter is taking me to a solicitor tomorrow and I’m going to start divorce proceedings, but I feel hollowed out inside and I’m asking myself over and over what I did wrong. I couldn’t help growing older. I’m so sad 😭

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 10:59

@whistlingandwine Has he got early onset dementia?

Hmm
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 11:01

ViolinPin · 19/10/2022 18:38

@HonestandFair

My commiserations to your partner.

You don't seriously think that poster @HonestandFair has a partner do you?!😂That comment came from a man who hates women.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 11:22

@margueritebutterfly

What an incredibly sad tale. Flowers (your post at 10.32am today.)

You stayed with this man who told you that you were no longer suitable for him, too old for sex, not attractive anymore, and just because his new bright young thing didn't want him 100%, he is still in the house with you. Shock I know it's easier said than done to leave a relationship, especially when you have been together 30+ years and you're 50-55+, but it's such a shame you couldn't/didn't leave him some years ago when her treated you so badly.

(((HUGS))) You deserve better.

Some of these stories remind me of the storyline in Take Me Home; the mini series from the late 1980s with Keith Barron, Annette Crosbie, Maggie O'Neill, and Reece Dinsdale. It was about a 55 y.o. man who had an affair with a young woman half his age (who was unhappily married to an obnoxious yuppie(Reece Dinsdale,) who told her they were never having a baby... ) He (Keith's character) made a fool of himself too...

The young woman's husband found out about the affair, and started to treat her better, and said he was sorry, and they could have a baby eventually, and to please not leave him.

She dumped the 55 y.o. man and went off to make it work with her husband, and he (Keith Barron) cried and sobbed and begged her to run away with him. She told him to go away.

The long suffering wife (Annette Crosbie,) tried making eyes at a young male stripper who had been at a night out she went on, because she felt so wretched and horrible after her husband went off with a woman half their age, and the stripper just looked at her as if she was a piece of shit.

Anyway, tl;dr. Keith came back to Annette, and she took him back. Said 'get in this house you fool' and they carried on with the marriage. Him secretly pining for the young lass, and her staying with a man who didn't deserve her. Tragic to think this happens in real life. Sad

5128gap · 20/10/2022 11:34

EmmaH2022 · 20/10/2022 10:49

marguerite I won't lie, I found that very depressing, but presume you meant it as a salutary warning to the OP.

but I am wondering, FEAR of what?

my mum has a couple of friends who didn't divorce as they are so attached to their big houses. I do understand that, so I'm not criticising. Just curious about the fear. Would you still help each other out with illness etc?

The FEAR can be a very different thing in middle age than it can when younger.
Leaving in your 30s/40s, there's still a real feeling of opportunity as there are decades left to build a new life, start over creating a new home, a decent chance of a new relationship should you want one.
Fast forward two decades, and with the highest energy and most positive attitude in the world, the thought of going back to the beginning and starting over can be far less appealing.
I think its over simplistic to say it's about not wanting to leave big houses, when it's often more about leaving a place you've had decades to make your own and feel very attached to and simply have no appetite to try to recreate.
You may have family near by, good neighbours, convenient location, a garden that gives you joy. I can see why a woman decides there's no way she's swapping all that for a little flat somewhere, just because her husband is a useless old fool.
Especially if he's not actually a nuisance and can be easily ignored.

EmmaH2022 · 20/10/2022 11:39

5128 sorry I am foggy with a cold

I think you have misunderstood me. I said I absolutely do understand about the house. I’m curious about the fear.

To me, especially at a later age, if you are living with someone who gives no help or support, it would be offloading a burden.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 12:42

5128gap · 20/10/2022 11:34

The FEAR can be a very different thing in middle age than it can when younger.
Leaving in your 30s/40s, there's still a real feeling of opportunity as there are decades left to build a new life, start over creating a new home, a decent chance of a new relationship should you want one.
Fast forward two decades, and with the highest energy and most positive attitude in the world, the thought of going back to the beginning and starting over can be far less appealing.
I think its over simplistic to say it's about not wanting to leave big houses, when it's often more about leaving a place you've had decades to make your own and feel very attached to and simply have no appetite to try to recreate.
You may have family near by, good neighbours, convenient location, a garden that gives you joy. I can see why a woman decides there's no way she's swapping all that for a little flat somewhere, just because her husband is a useless old fool.
Especially if he's not actually a nuisance and can be easily ignored.

Show quote history

I could not agree more with this. I get so pissed off when women come on here when they're in their mid 50s and older, saying they've had enough of their marriage, and their husband, (for one reason or another,) and a bunch of posters come on and say 'you can start over, you can retrain, you can find a lovely new home, a whole bunch of friends, and a fantastic new man!' (at 55-65 or thereabouts!.

It really pisses me off, because it's filling these women with false hope because the chances of starting a new career, and getting a really good new relationship, and an amazing wonderful shiny new life, full of wealth and prosperity at that point in their life is next to none.

Another thing is. As you say, after 30-35 years or more of being with a man, probably at least half of that time where you been pissed off with him, the last thing most women 50-55 plus want, is to start a relationship with another man again! Why would she? It won't be any different. So in many cases, it's worth staying. Not all, but many.

Also, any man interested in a woman of that age is very likely going to be 60-ish. So all she will be doing is swapping one grumpy, boring, balding, man in his 50s/60s, with a paunch, for another grumpy, boring, balding, man in his 50s/60s with a paunch, And HE won't leave. As has been evidenced by a post on here that I mentioned earlier, if a man has nowhere to go, he will never leave, as he needs someone to be his servant.

I have been married nearly 30 years, and to be honest with you, sometimes it's been great, sometimes it's been shit. Like most marriages. It's OK right now. There's been some days when I wished my husband would just fuck off to high hell. And other days he's like my best friend. Some days he moans like a little child about everything, and always has an ailment to gripe about... Other days he is a real giggle and a lot of fun, and we have a blast, and I couldn't imagine life without him.

To be honest with you, even though he gets on my nerves some days, it wouldn't be any different with any other man. I know some people on here claim to have perfect relationships and their husband does everything in the house and takes on all the childcare blah blah blah. But really most men are fucking useless some of the time. (Most of the time, some of them!)

If DH were to leave or die, I, (nearly in my mid 50s now,) would absolutely not have another relationship. I could NOT be arsed! I would prefer to stay with him though, because as has been said, it's often easier to stay than it is to leave, unless it's VERY bad. Many women, me included, have a certain lifestyle that is supported in part by the husband's wage. My hourly rate is higher than my DH, but I work less hours, so he earns a bit more IYSWIM. So I would struggle financially alone.

I'm not sure I would like single life to be honest with you. To be quite honest, unless you're quite solvent and quite wealthy with a 6 figure sum in the bank, it's a tough life as a single person, I don't care anyone what says, it's pretty shit being single if you're fairly poor, it really is. I know a number of single women 40+ whose marriages didn't work out, and they are alone, and their life is shit. They just work to live and can barely make ends meet. (As I say, these are the ones who are not very well off. If you are fortunate enough to be wealthy, then you're OK of course.)

I suppose being in a bad marriage is shit, but being single when you've got very little money is too. You have to weigh up the pros and cons. Personally, regarding my marriage; I will NEVER leave. I have a very comfortable life, I would not have if I left.

Longerthanfiveweeks · 20/10/2022 12:56

I suppose being in a bad marriage is shit, but being single when you've got very little money is too. You have to weigh up the pros and cons. Personally, regarding my marriage; I will NEVER leave. I have a very comfortable life, I would not have if I left
To be fair, your marriage sounds pretty good though. Yes you are irritated sometimes but other times he's your best friend and great company. Its not exactly the same as living with someone who, when they enter the room, your whole body tenses up and you only relax when they leave again, is it?

kateandme · 20/10/2022 14:02

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 12:42

I could not agree more with this. I get so pissed off when women come on here when they're in their mid 50s and older, saying they've had enough of their marriage, and their husband, (for one reason or another,) and a bunch of posters come on and say 'you can start over, you can retrain, you can find a lovely new home, a whole bunch of friends, and a fantastic new man!' (at 55-65 or thereabouts!.

It really pisses me off, because it's filling these women with false hope because the chances of starting a new career, and getting a really good new relationship, and an amazing wonderful shiny new life, full of wealth and prosperity at that point in their life is next to none.

Another thing is. As you say, after 30-35 years or more of being with a man, probably at least half of that time where you been pissed off with him, the last thing most women 50-55 plus want, is to start a relationship with another man again! Why would she? It won't be any different. So in many cases, it's worth staying. Not all, but many.

Also, any man interested in a woman of that age is very likely going to be 60-ish. So all she will be doing is swapping one grumpy, boring, balding, man in his 50s/60s, with a paunch, for another grumpy, boring, balding, man in his 50s/60s with a paunch, And HE won't leave. As has been evidenced by a post on here that I mentioned earlier, if a man has nowhere to go, he will never leave, as he needs someone to be his servant.

I have been married nearly 30 years, and to be honest with you, sometimes it's been great, sometimes it's been shit. Like most marriages. It's OK right now. There's been some days when I wished my husband would just fuck off to high hell. And other days he's like my best friend. Some days he moans like a little child about everything, and always has an ailment to gripe about... Other days he is a real giggle and a lot of fun, and we have a blast, and I couldn't imagine life without him.

To be honest with you, even though he gets on my nerves some days, it wouldn't be any different with any other man. I know some people on here claim to have perfect relationships and their husband does everything in the house and takes on all the childcare blah blah blah. But really most men are fucking useless some of the time. (Most of the time, some of them!)

If DH were to leave or die, I, (nearly in my mid 50s now,) would absolutely not have another relationship. I could NOT be arsed! I would prefer to stay with him though, because as has been said, it's often easier to stay than it is to leave, unless it's VERY bad. Many women, me included, have a certain lifestyle that is supported in part by the husband's wage. My hourly rate is higher than my DH, but I work less hours, so he earns a bit more IYSWIM. So I would struggle financially alone.

I'm not sure I would like single life to be honest with you. To be quite honest, unless you're quite solvent and quite wealthy with a 6 figure sum in the bank, it's a tough life as a single person, I don't care anyone what says, it's pretty shit being single if you're fairly poor, it really is. I know a number of single women 40+ whose marriages didn't work out, and they are alone, and their life is shit. They just work to live and can barely make ends meet. (As I say, these are the ones who are not very well off. If you are fortunate enough to be wealthy, then you're OK of course.)

I suppose being in a bad marriage is shit, but being single when you've got very little money is too. You have to weigh up the pros and cons. Personally, regarding my marriage; I will NEVER leave. I have a very comfortable life, I would not have if I left.

Show quote history

I think we are still at the generation where woman this age are/were still more towards the stay at home or lower income.theregore a split now would very much put at a disadvantage.with funds and deff to earn.
All though sadly now I'm.knowimg more and more people at this age having to think about income due to cost of living, and thinking about coming out of retirement.
i could not imagine starting out alone,building it all up,leaving a home and yes a lifestyle for one that would be pure misery in comparison. Both mentally,emotionally and materiastically.

ViolinPin · 20/10/2022 14:37

@margueritebutterfly

I'm glad you signed up, welcome to MN, your post was illuminating, especially for some of the different age groups on here.

You are quite right that age, health, finance and circumstances does affect decisions. It appears your husband had little empathy for you at the time of his 'riding high' period, much like younger men when their partners are stuck at home with young babes and they refuse to be tied down themselves, at least younger women can get through this period with thoughts of freedom when the children are older.

It seems through your nightmare you have re- negotiated the terms of your marriage, no longer willing to be of service to him in any way, shape or form ?
Could I ask are you still intimate with him, do you holiday or socialize together, and do you tend to one another when ill, as a previous poster asked ?

Where is the cut off point ?

Just tennants living together and I don't blame you, it is your choice and I think a view that many younger MN's need to hear and understand. You call your decision to stay 'the fear' but from what you've said it was just as scary facing up to this way of life, the negative emotions must be hard to live with but those emotions would still be there if you separated I should imagine.
In any event it appears your h has dug his own grave concerning your care for him, you now have no obligations and that must feel freeing in itself, he must think it has all backfired, does he not ? Does he regret any of it ?

Oh to be married to a fool, or a narcissist in your case.

MrMrsJones · 20/10/2022 15:00

It can happen in your 50's, the new life.

I left my husband after 30 yrs when I was 48, I now have a beautiful cottage, a new husband who treats me like a queen, I have always worked, so I have money, although we share finances.

So yes, you can have a happy ending, if you leave

chelev9 · 20/10/2022 15:02

HeartBrokenWife · 18/10/2022 21:58

I feel broken. I had no idea he’d fallen out of love with me. I’m 61 and he’s a little bit younger, but the woman he’s having an affair with is just so much younger than me that it has made me feel almost suicidal. I’m not going to do anything to myself, but I can’t eat or sleep and he’s just smirking at me. I feel utterly humiliated.

My daughter is taking me to a solicitor tomorrow and I’m going to start divorce proceedings, but I feel hollowed out inside and I’m asking myself over and over what I did wrong. I couldn’t help growing older. I’m so sad 😭

Clearly a lucky escape. You have got this, all the best ❤️

ViolinPin · 20/10/2022 15:05

MrMrsJones · 20/10/2022 15:00

It can happen in your 50's, the new life.

I left my husband after 30 yrs when I was 48, I now have a beautiful cottage, a new husband who treats me like a queen, I have always worked, so I have money, although we share finances.

So yes, you can have a happy ending, if you leave

I think being 48 is vastly different to being 60, for many women.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 15:17

@kateandme

I think we are still at the generation where woman this age are/were still more towards the stay at home or lower income. theregore a split now would very much put at a disadvantage. with funds and deffo to earn. All though sadly now I am knowing more and more people at this age having to think about income due to cost of living, and thinking about coming out of retirement.

i could not imagine starting out alone, building it all up, leaving a home and yes a lifestyle for one that would be pure misery in comparison. Both mentally, emotionally and materiastically.

Yeah exactly this. I just couldn't be bothered. As I said earlier, it would be a terrible idea for many women. I seriously believe there are WAY more women who are low-earners, and work part time, and barely scrape £200 a week, than there are women on £100K a year who have £600 to £1000 a month surplus income, a 22 registered car, and several holidays abroad every year. And they are becoming fewer and fewer.

I will never leave my marriage (as long as it stays as it is,) as I refuse to let go of my lifestyle. It's quite likely that DH feels the same. It's OK sometimes, shit sometimes, like most marriages, and being a couple is financially much better. And I do actually love my husband! Why would I leave???

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 15:18

Longerthanfiveweeks · 20/10/2022 12:56

I suppose being in a bad marriage is shit, but being single when you've got very little money is too. You have to weigh up the pros and cons. Personally, regarding my marriage; I will NEVER leave. I have a very comfortable life, I would not have if I left
To be fair, your marriage sounds pretty good though. Yes you are irritated sometimes but other times he's your best friend and great company. Its not exactly the same as living with someone who, when they enter the room, your whole body tenses up and you only relax when they leave again, is it?

This is true @Longerthanfiveweeks and thank you for your kind comments. Smile

feelingfree17 · 20/10/2022 15:26

This has to be the biggest warning to all those young girls just starting out in life. No matter how good it appears in the beginning, never totally rely on a man. Money gives you choices. Get your career, keep your career, buy that property, start that pension. You will never have to then choose which hard, because if you are not happy, you can just walk away and enjoy that single life with money in the bank and financially secure.

Trez1510 · 20/10/2022 16:27

feelingfree17 · 20/10/2022 15:26

This has to be the biggest warning to all those young girls just starting out in life. No matter how good it appears in the beginning, never totally rely on a man. Money gives you choices. Get your career, keep your career, buy that property, start that pension. You will never have to then choose which hard, because if you are not happy, you can just walk away and enjoy that single life with money in the bank and financially secure.

@feelingfree17

Good post. Just to add the caveat to make sure he is doing the same and not living off your income, otherwise your assets will be shared with him.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 20/10/2022 17:19

kateandme · 20/10/2022 14:02

I think we are still at the generation where woman this age are/were still more towards the stay at home or lower income.theregore a split now would very much put at a disadvantage.with funds and deff to earn.
All though sadly now I'm.knowimg more and more people at this age having to think about income due to cost of living, and thinking about coming out of retirement.
i could not imagine starting out alone,building it all up,leaving a home and yes a lifestyle for one that would be pure misery in comparison. Both mentally,emotionally and materiastically.

Show quote history

I divorced in my early 50s, had some fun relationships, and then met a lovely man in my mid-50s. He's a bit younger than me. I have a job, and after divorce am actually much better off than I was when I married (I have a house, control of my own money, not pissing it up the wall like alcoholic exH did). And I have a life without alcoholic, nasty ex, which is fucking priceless!

It's not all doom!

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 20/10/2022 17:35

Divorced at 48, had been the main earner for many years, so had a career. Am now 67 and I have never bothered even looking for another man - why on earth would I do that when I couldn't make it work after 30 years with the first one? I just wanted to simplify my life, not complicate it further.

He remarried within weeks of our divorce.

Cameleongirl · 20/10/2022 17:40

feelingfree17 · 20/10/2022 15:26

This has to be the biggest warning to all those young girls just starting out in life. No matter how good it appears in the beginning, never totally rely on a man. Money gives you choices. Get your career, keep your career, buy that property, start that pension. You will never have to then choose which hard, because if you are not happy, you can just walk away and enjoy that single life with money in the bank and financially secure.

Exactly, @feelingfree17. The same could be said to the OW in this instance, because there must be reasons why, at just 23, she feels that a 60-year-old is her best option.

She has so much time to build her life but is choosing this path. Something's really not right here (aside from the moral aspect).

EmmaH2022 · 20/10/2022 18:07

I should probably keep quiet as this thread has been an eye opener for me!

but just in case it helps OP

"there must be reasons why, at just 23, she feels that a 60-year-old is her best option."

I don't know about your rights etc but should you check he's not paying her rent from a joint account or anything? I doubt a 23 year old has fixated on him for a permanent thing but she might be milking the cow dry while it's deluded enough to call her an acolyte!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/10/2022 18:57

BatshitCrazyWoman · 20/10/2022 17:19

I divorced in my early 50s, had some fun relationships, and then met a lovely man in my mid-50s. He's a bit younger than me. I have a job, and after divorce am actually much better off than I was when I married (I have a house, control of my own money, not pissing it up the wall like alcoholic exH did). And I have a life without alcoholic, nasty ex, which is fucking priceless!

It's not all doom!

Show quote history

@BatshitCrazyWoman

I am very pleased that you're happy, and got away from your alcoholic nasty ex, but surely you must know that the situation you claim to have is the exception rather than the rule. Leaving your marriage in your 50s, then going on to have lots of 'fun' relationships with some fab men, have solid finances/loads more money than you had before, having your own house, then settling with a 'lovely younger man,' is far from common, and will NOT be the case for many women.

Most women who divorce in their 50s or older, (or even late 40s,) are far more likely to struggle financially, and struggle to get a decent job. And it will be too late to start a new career (even though I know someone will come on here and say they retrained at 52 and are now on £60K a year!)

And most women will not find a decent man. That's if they WANT one! As I said, I know some women won't like to hear this, but the only man MOST women in their 50s will get will be a basic, podgy, 60-something balding, boring man who is very likely no better than the man they left (or who left her.) Upshot is, some men are pretty useless, and some of them bring very little to the lives of the women in their life. Many women will leave a shitty relationship with a useless man, but there's a very good chance if they dive into another relationship, the new man won't be any better.

Needtogivemyheadashake · 20/10/2022 21:53

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps Very cheery. I guess I’m doomed then….in my forties and divorced. Should just crawl under a rock now and accept my fate….

BatshitCrazyWoman · 20/10/2022 22:01

Needtogivemyheadashake · 20/10/2022 21:53

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps Very cheery. I guess I’m doomed then….in my forties and divorced. Should just crawl under a rock now and accept my fate….

Don't do that! I'm completely unremarkable, it's not like I'm some amazing catch (!!), and I obviously had my fair share of idiots on online dating. I do believe in counting my blessings. I wake up most days feeling happy the exH isn't in my life, and that is probably the reason I'm so content. I can only give my experience (and that of a few of my friends) 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cameleongirl · 20/10/2022 23:07

Tbh, I think many women wouldn’t bother with another serious relationship, it’s too much like hard work. 😂 I’m 48 and if DH upped and left me, I wouldn’t mind the odd night of passion if I could get it, but I don’t want to wash any one’s socks again. 🤣

Afterfire · 20/10/2022 23:21

Cameleongirl · 20/10/2022 23:07

Tbh, I think many women wouldn’t bother with another serious relationship, it’s too much like hard work. 😂 I’m 48 and if DH upped and left me, I wouldn’t mind the odd night of passion if I could get it, but I don’t want to wash any one’s socks again. 🤣

Same.

Men tend to get a lot more out of relationships than women do. Fuck that again.