Husband cheating with woman 37 years younger than me

[HeartBrokenWife]

I feel broken. I had no idea he’d fallen out of love with me. I’m 61 and he’s a little bit younger, but the woman he’s having an affair with is just so much younger than me that it has made me feel almost suicidal. I’m not going to do anything to myself, but I can’t eat or sleep and he’s just smirking at me. I feel utterly humiliated.

My daughter is taking me to a solicitor tomorrow and I’m going to start divorce proceedings, but I feel hollowed out inside and I’m asking myself over and over what I did wrong. I couldn’t help growing older. I’m so sad 😭

Mid life crisis. Won’t last, she will get fed up of an old man on viagra.

He’s an embarrassment to himself.

ReneBumsWombats She thought he was loaded. Daft mare didn't realise our joint business is mortgaged to the hilt. I doubt he let her know that until after she'd given up her rental and moved in with him.

Shucks!

I give it 6 months and he be wanting his own life back OPm.. you stay strong

Your little cottage will be your sanctuary. Something that is yours, untainted by what has happened in the past.

Don’t ever let him in.

Well done for today. It can’t have been easy, but you have made the first steps to get rid of this poor excuse of a man.

Your daughter sounds wonderful.
Keep on posting if it helps. And promise us you will post a pic of your cottage when you get there.
Sending love and strength.

It seems to me that your h will stop at nothing to hurt and punish you.

Maybe he is puposely using younger and younger women to control the situation by not actually falling in love with one of his peers, he sees it as no threat, so he thinks you feel the same and will forgive and finally give him the attention and love he desires. He sees it as just inflicting non threatening pain ?
Is it yet another desperate measure to get you to submit.

That's the only sense I can make of it.

I think it's time to end this war for good, you need to be alone and away from his warped thinking.

I’d “give” every piece of jewellery, valuable objet d’art you had purchased during your marriage, cutlery, crockery, furniture, etc to your DD. I would even ensure that she had some extra cash donations right about now. (And maybe she or one of her friends could get a storage unit in their name to store this stuff for the time being, along with paperwork, preferably in a different town to either of you.)
If OP’s DH’s passport, birth cert and marriage cert were stored off-site, lost or shredded by someone else, that would be a pity too. I would hesitate to recommend that OP be that vindictive, though. Perhaps buried in the garden? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

In your moments of 'despair' just picture this: it's 10-20 years down the road and Ms Hot Pants (assuming she sticks around) is now his carer. She is driving him everywhere, possibly having to bathe him (or worse), mind his medications, deal with his temper. Whilst YOU are relaxing in your lovely cottage, drinking wine, reading books (or whatever your fancy is), and sleeping in late with no one making demands on your time or your energy.

Who do we think actually got the best of the situation?

I cant' remember if I posted this upthread so forgive if it's a repeat but my sister found out her husband (mid-60s, retired) was shagging one of her friends, who was late 40s, a few years younger than my sister. Half the town knew. This was about four years ago.

OW was married to a man who was dying of cancer. Most of OW's husband's money was in his business and to her shock she barely got anything in the divorce. My sister got more of HER husband's savings than he anticipated.

So the lovebirds ended up in his isolated rural house with a lot less money than they had planned on. He stopped taking his blood pressure pills (probably due to ED) and lo & behold had a stroke two years ago.

So, instead of traveling the world, OW is stuck miles from the nearest shop, with a man who can't walk or wipe himself, and their dog. She doesn't have enough money to leave and her own family all have shunned her in disgust (they liked her husband and indeed helped him when he became ill enough to need care; he has since passed away.)

My sister bought a nice little house with the proceeds from the divorce, has a great circle of friends and neighbors, volunteers with animal rescue, had a pool installed and is enjoying life. As she says, "better her than me" out there in the middle of nowhere taking him to the toilet.

Life takes its twists and turns, OP. Stay strong and get yourself the best deal possible.

I'm sorry. Stay angry - it's a more powerful fuel than misery offers. All best for the meeting tomorrow.

Think house. Pension. Savings. Maintenance. Whatever you can.

And definitely a new will.

Only engage in writing - no texts, phone calls etc. Keep everything documented.

Stay businesslike and polite. 'My ex is crazy' s a very popular tale they tell, so avoid giving any ammunition, whatever that anger may also want you to do. It needs channelling in your favour.

It's likely when it all fizzles out that he'll try to crawl back.

That's where self respect and resolve are needed. Because he's shown you exactly who he is - 'my little acolyte,' ugh. The smirking. If you let him back, a pattern will have been established and be hard to break.

All the best.

I've just re-read OPs posts.

There's no indication the sleazy scumbag has laid out any sort of plan, beyond smirking.

Our (collective) fertile imagination has him moving in/settling down/having children with the 'acolyte'.

Our imagination may very well match the sleazy scumbag's own fertile imagination, but the 'acolyte' (read: skank) probably has no intention beyond using him as a means to:

^ Rinse him financially.
^ Use him to obtain a promotion.
^ Make a harassment/bullying claim to assist her career/claim compo.

In the meantime, the OP has the support of her daughter, a streetwise solicitor and MNers in her corner. If my instinct is correct, it's possible the 'acolyte/skank' is also, albeit inadvertently, in the OP's corner.

This is as one-sided a contest as I've seen for a long, long time!

Doh, missed a page. Glad your meeting went well. And your daughter's a hero. Start planning how you're going decorate your cottage entirely to your own taste. Garden. Pets. Friends. Interests. The future's in your hands. Not in theirs. 💜

Teez actually, I was thoroughly confused by some of the things people said and thought the OP must have talked about it on other threads.

if not, then I think he just expects OP to put up with his weird behaviour and I think he will beg forgiveness and be shocked she wants to leave him.

Haven’t read everything and am catching up but are you talking about MoreLegsThanMe?

She is wonderful

This is dumb.

learn to secure your bag better. The H.r crap will come out but it’s better he earns a nice salary as they move forward in the divorce.

serve revenge cold, and be ruthless in strategy. What you propose is peanuts compared to what could be handed to him should she be strategic.

I hope this keeps you thinking. Play chess, let the rest dick around with checkers.

OP do not do anything to let him know you know. Don't give him a chance to get ahead. Do not start playing games. It's certainly not a game. "Keep your head about you ..."
I know that will take a lot of strength so be kind to yourself 💐

Actually yes. Don’t tell him and make sure DD isn’t goaded into telling him that solicitor is engaged. Let him find out once money is moved and all ducks in row. Also please ensure all statements checked daily.

I like the way you think 😊

I mean, it's not really right and it's a bit ott, but I so hope OP considers it....

And who says there is no such thing as karma. But it many times its in the form of a pissed off ex wife.

But I think the best revenge is a nice little cottage where you will be happy. Without him in it!

Seriously, I stay disappointed at the small mind thinking folks who are trying to get some pithy revenge when this man will do it himself! His bad deeds will known!

you embarrass yourselves truly

Think bigger and better ladies. Don’t mess with a mans income if you’re about to secure your due.

Let him keep that smarmy smile on his raggedy ass face. Be ruthless and effective.

men who are as sad as this will need zero help in telegraphing their small dick energy. His situation is in the rear view. Time to swiftly, coldly, and ruthlessly to secure your own situation…. He doesn’t care and that is a free pass to be a smart woman.

not trifling like some of these small thinkers. Yes I said it.

@JustKittenAround yes I was thinking of MoreLegs! OP if you can look up her threads they may help your resolve to see what has happened for someone in a similar situation, warts and all.

Here are MoreLegs’ threads, from the initial discovery last year through the divorce and up to now. You might find it useful, or perhaps just comforting @HeartBrokenWife

Thread 1 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4132352-Can-someone-just-hold-my-hand-Just-for-a-bit?page=1

Thread 2 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4153806-Please-hold-my-hand-a-bit-longer-thread-2?page=1

Thread 3 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4254708-More-Legs-chapter-three-the-one-where-there-s-a-little-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel?page=1

Thread 4 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4442137-More-Legs-chapter-four-the-one-where-life-begins-again-There-s-a-whole-world-out-there?page=1

More Legs thread is very similar to yours, OP. Her thread spans 2 years. I hope you find them a comforting read

I am so sorry for what you are going through....

When I turned 60 (13 years ago) my husband of (then) 35 years told me (in a very matter-of-fact voice) that I was "too old for sex". (He is 2 years older than I am) He said he "didn't want to have sex with a 'grandmother' " (He thinks because my two children were only adopted by him when we got married, that he is not REALLY a "grandfather" to their children) (I haven't told them......)

Obviously, he thought I was "old", but that HE is a young stud.... He was still working, so I thought his new girlfriend either works at his job or is a cashier or waitress that he had recently met. I didn't waste any time/energy wondering.

I just looked at him in speechless disbelief and I left the room. He moved out of our bedroom to an upstairs bedroom and was ignoring me even more than usual, so I figured he had finally gotten a full-time girlfriend and would soon move out. (I knew he had cheated on me many times in the past 25 years, I just could never prove it)

I spent several days crying so much I burst the blood vessels in my eyes but then I decided to calm down and try to gather some inner strength I didn't even know I had. I decided to try to find whatever I could in the situation that would benefit ME; and eventually I found quite a few!

Was he surprised that I DID NOT yell, scream at him, argue, or beg him to love me, etc.? I don't know.... I decided not to discuss it with him at all....

After several weeks went by and he didn't leave, I said "You don't love me or like me, why are you still here?" He said (in a very pitiful voice = as though HE was the "victim") "I have nowhere else to go". As though I should feel sorry for HIM.

I thought that either his new love relationship had fallen through or that he had jumped the gun in dumping me before he even found a new girlfriend. I don't know....I DON'T CARE....But I'm not leaving MY house! So, here I am 13 years later still here and now married 48 years. Interestingly, he is nicer in general than he was back in the day when he supposedly loved/liked me. WEIRD!

After a couple of tense years, we have settled into a separate but connected type of life. He does his thing. I do my thing. I cook dinner 3-4 nights a week but otherwise he gets his own meals. He retired and took over almost all the chores I used to do: grocery shopping/banking/bill paying/etc. etc. He does his own laundry, cuts his own hair, does all the errands I used to do. I am AMAZED....

I do hardly any chores of any kind anymore! All the little things I used to do for him, no more. Once he realized I was not going to fight/argue/yell/discuss anything about his "dumping" me, he relaxed. It is a bit insane how pleasant life is now. (Although I do have some deep feelings of a desire for vengeance, LOL)

P.S. About 20 years ago, I realized my husband is a covert Narcissist. As bad as this is, it was a relief to FINALLY understand what the c-r-a-z-y s**t he had put me through all these years was about. It had been pure hell & because he is so clever, he has a "nice guy" public persona & everyone thinks he is a great guy!

I know I should have divorced him many years ago (even before he "dumped" me) My age, medical problems, our complicated financial situation, and MY FEAR are my only reasons for my still being here. After he "dumped" me, I started to develop a really calm demeanor & when he says something mean or snarky, I just laugh about it. Insults that used to hurt me just make me laugh now.

Sorry for the long rant! I've been wanting to "tell on him" for a LONG time! LOL!

I have been lurking and reading Mumsnet for about 6 mo. and wanted to comment many times in the past. This post finally got me signed up....

My only "advice" for anyone in a similar situation is to try harder than I did to get beyond the FEAR. I kick myself regularly for not being stronger & braver.

Good luck!

marguerite I won't lie, I found that very depressing, but presume you meant it as a salutary warning to the OP.

but I am wondering, FEAR of what?

my mum has a couple of friends who didn't divorce as they are so attached to their big houses. I do understand that, so I'm not criticising. Just curious about the fear. Would you still help each other out with illness etc?