DF debt

[Beanzz]

Hi,

looking for perspective please.

found out by chance that fiancé has recently taken out a personal loan.

from his reaction to my initial questioning I guessed it was a lot and probed more. He told me it was around £30k he took out.

he told me it’s to support his new business due to cost of materials going sky high, delays in building work etc (this is true). He said he did this for his his existing business when it opened 7 years ago and was fine and paid it off.

however I’ve just found out he’s taken another £25k business loan out for his exisiting business on top of this new personal loan for new shop.

I also found out the personal loan is for £50k not £30k! So he lied about thy which is a red flag to me.

I am in a panic, I’ve never had debt, own my own house, have decent savings. I’m only 29, he’s 36 with no house but his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

The fact he lied about the loan amount concerns me. He’s wonderful in every regard otherwise, loving, sweet, hard working.

he has a high earning day job (£100k), and is due a bonus which says he will use to pay off his loan…but I don’t think his bonus will be that much to be honest.

but I am panicking, I did some Googling and I won’t be liable for his debt, but I am worried about entering a legal marriage with someone with such huge debts?

aibu? Am I over reacting?

“You have gone into this thinking that you can change his attitude to money, encourage him to be a saver like you.
That won't happen. Never marry a man thinking that you can change him.”

This with absolute bells on. You marry someone for who they are - not who they could be.

Really feeling for you OP. Hope you get all the answers you need tonight 💐

I just messaged him, and said we need to talk about the loans in more detail as soon as he comes home tonight. I want to know everything
his response - “I don’t like you judging me, I’m a grown adult who can make his own decisions and wouldn’t jeopardise our future”

Translation: I demand that you trust me even while I'm lying to you

In view of the backgrround you've mentioned my money's on some sort of gambling which is out of control, which would explain the defensiveness and makes any rational discussion unlikely
Sorry, OP, but I'm another who'd be putting the wedding on hold until things are clearer; it would be difficult, but not as much as the mess you could potentially be getting iinto if you marry him now

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Apologies for not reading the whole thread. Prenups aren’t legal in the U.K. as far as I know.

Once you marry him if he has loans and doesn’t pay i think you could be forced to sell your house to pay his debt off.

I wouldn’t marry him. I think he’s duped you because you have money/property. He got angry as he got caught.

Sorry.

Call it off.

Ask him how he is managing to spend nearly £2k A WEEK and have nothing to show for it unless he's gambling or on coke.

I've just seen your paying for your own wedding (you single not you couple). A man that earns 100k plus bonus a year with 2 side businesses is having his wife to be pay for her own wedding. Run! And if he's Scottish with a double barreled surname (ex) run even faster!

No, I would be running a mile.

1. He's on a good, more than good, salary and has literally nothing to show for it.

1. He's having you pay for the wedding.

1. He's lying about debt

1. He's up to something with the need to take out multiple loans.

1. He's getting childish when being asked to be more open/honest about the details with the very person he should have shared it with in the first place.

Run while you still can, otherwise you'll be paying for a divorce too.

Hang on, he earns £100,000 a year and spends it on half of the rent and the food shopping? Where the hell does the rest of it go to?

And he has two businesses which run by themselves. Do they make any money? Have you looked him up on companies house?

I think you would have to be absolutely insane to marry him at this point knowing all the fresh information which he has tried to withhold from you.

Given his history and the fact he earns such a lot and has so little, all I can think is that he's gambling it.

Don't risk all you have worked hard for by marrying him. Postpone wedding. You need to talk openly and frankly on your attitudes to money and debt. He lied to you about £20k. That is a big red flag. £75k debt is massive. If you marry legally half that debt is yours too. I would be telling him he needs to repay debts before you marry and you are not keen on debts and very unhappy about him lying to you about it. Don't marry.

This.

You have a gambler on your hands.

Thanks be to Christ you have found out before he sucked you in.

Gamblers are bluffers and liars.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

One sure way to ruin your life, marry a gambler.

Pack a bag and get the hell out.

You will NEVER have a moments peace with him.

You lucky woman finding out🙏

Do a credit check on your own name. Check he did not take out loans in joint names and forge your signature.

@Beanzz So if you get married, you get to share 75k debt and he gets half your house and savings…. It would have to be a long marriage to be able to claim it but still! Doesn’t seem fair.
Plus are his companies actually making a profit? Not just making money but an actual profit.

He sounds like a financial liability. Postpone wedding. See a solicitor. Protect your assets. You're a good catch if his businesses go tits up

His response is a massive red flag

A “ grown man” knows the difference between being “judged” by someone and being asked a fair question by their concerned partner. A “grown man” can handle your concerns and speak truthfully about himself. A “grown man” doesn’t crap his diapers at being found out in a lie or when things don’t add up because a “grown man” doesn’t need to lie.

Also a “grown man” should be deeply ashamed that he didn’t pay for at least half the sensible wedding you planned. Grown men don’t act the way he is, but man baby’s absolutely do. Man babies never grow up either. They have a child’s sense of entitlement and feel deeply in their core that women are meant to serve them.

He might have kept sweet but he fumbled the bag in the end! This guy is going to turn it on full force now because he knows his cash cow isn’t a dummy. Be prepared for the love bombing, the lies, the manipulations, the fake tears, the mental health excuses that are all the rage nowadays, the defensiveness, and even anger….Don’t let him near your udders! Those are for men of quality and mark my words… this man baby is not quality.

His personal loan will most definitely be a joint problem.

10 years down the line, you split up and all your assets go in the pot, all of your joint AND individual debts too. Very big problem.

You need to see his credit score, try experian. Then check your own...

That all sounds rather iffy. I would not marry this man, as you stand to lose a lot by being tied up with someone so feckless. He lied about something really rather major, your future together! I would also be very wary whether that private loan is really for his business and not due to gambling. The fact that he is on a very high salary but has no savings and seems to not actually be able to budget and live within his means also sends alarm bells ringing! He is totally unreliable. Do not even waste time with prenups, just cancel the wedding!

Get a deed of trust in your home and protect yourself. I’m surprised he’s got these loans without security. It’s all very fishy.

Call the wedding off. This supposed ‘grown man’ has lied and deceived you and it wasn’t for your benefit. Respect is a two way street and he can’t demand it if he isn’t prepared to show it. His attitude sucks and I’m guessing marrying you would have been the safety net that would only enable him to continue his behaviour. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner but rather a source of security if his businesses go tits up.

Call the wedding off asap! You can not trust him.

I'm really hoping that the DF hasn't worked his way out of this one with the OP.

How did the chat go? Did he try the defensive mode again to try to shut you up or did you manage to have a proper adult
Conversation?

OP a huge flag was YOU paying for the wedding.

Surely be to God you don't actually think it is normal to pay for your own on your own?

That slaps of desperation.

No matter what he says, he's a liar.

He's marrying you, with a house and bringing 50k in personal debt for YOU to share.

If that isn't a party of red flags I don't know what is.

He's heading for the guttet, where all gamblers end up, and he is planning on bringing you with him.

Do not believe him if he tells you its not gambling of some sort, it is.

Anyone who has ever admitted to gambling is a huge risk to be involved with.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Don't be ashamed.
This is all on him.

He's a con artist.

Never ever marry someone in the hope you can change them. It's doomed to failure, especially when it's finance related. Quite apart from the fact that he's a liar with an addiction of some sort

Right now, I’m concerned for OP’s safety. This man clearly thought she was his meal ticket. He won’t let her go easily. From the outside looking in, he’s clearly bad news.

OP - if you get the chance: read Women Who Love Too Much. I think you might find useful insights in there as to why you were drawn to the rescuer role in this relationship and why you overlooked so many red flags (even before the loans issue came out, the £100k salary but no assets and no explanatory lifestyle habits (eg flash cars, expensive holidays etc) should have rung alarm bells). This isn’t a criticism, OP - you sound lovely - but you have been too trusting.