DF debt

[Beanzz]

Hi,

looking for perspective please.

found out by chance that fiancé has recently taken out a personal loan.

from his reaction to my initial questioning I guessed it was a lot and probed more. He told me it was around £30k he took out.

he told me it’s to support his new business due to cost of materials going sky high, delays in building work etc (this is true). He said he did this for his his existing business when it opened 7 years ago and was fine and paid it off.

however I’ve just found out he’s taken another £25k business loan out for his exisiting business on top of this new personal loan for new shop.

I also found out the personal loan is for £50k not £30k! So he lied about thy which is a red flag to me.

I am in a panic, I’ve never had debt, own my own house, have decent savings. I’m only 29, he’s 36 with no house but his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

The fact he lied about the loan amount concerns me. He’s wonderful in every regard otherwise, loving, sweet, hard working.

he has a high earning day job (£100k), and is due a bonus which says he will use to pay off his loan…but I don’t think his bonus will be that much to be honest.

but I am panicking, I did some Googling and I won’t be liable for his debt, but I am worried about entering a legal marriage with someone with such huge debts?

aibu? Am I over reacting?

Oh yeah. This

The way he was so keen to get a joint account makes me think he sees the op as a cash cow

How long have you been together op?

Hope you're okay

OP ask to see his credit file. You will be able to see all borrowing against his name. No hiding anything.

he’s response - “I don’t like you judging me, I’m a grown adult who can make his own decisions and wouldn’t jeopardise our future”

Oh he doesn't and he wouldn't? arrogant twat. Sorry, that reply would be it for me, OP. He expects you to accept what he does because 'he's a grown adult' - even if that includes farking up your financial security

Get him to login to something like ClearScore or credit Karma, as they will show all of the borrowing he has. They can sometimes take a few weeks to update, so his recent loan may not show up. However it will definitely tell you if he has pre-existing debt that he hasn’t told you about.

Are you sure he’s earning 100k a year? Either way, I wouldn’t marry him in two weeks. You cannot go into a marriage with someone who thinks it’s okay to take out huge personal loans without even discussing it. So many red flags here.

If his businesses are 'running themselves' why does he need loans?

Why does someone with a supposedly big salary and 2 businesses need a loan that size? He's lying about it big time and the fact he lied about the amount and gets defensive when you ask tells you there's more to uncover. Do NOT marry him unless you have FULL disclosure of his finances, otherwise you'll get pulled down. Exactly this happened to my Dsis who has spent years paying off her idiot of a DHs debts!

Did you reply

"I don’t like you lying to me, I’m a grown adult who can make her own decisions and wouldn’t jeopardise my future marrying someone who isn't honest with me”

Have you looked up his limited companies on companies house? It may show you the corporation tax that was paid, assuming his current business has been running long bough, you can use this information to work out profit. Does that match what he has told you?

is he really earning what he says he is earning?

Op m, his businesses are successful and ‘potentially worth a lot’ if he has taken 75k out to prop them up.

and he may well be able to pay the 50k from a bonus (does he really get bonuses of over 60k) but has he not taken the loan he would have had over 60k to put towards a joint home.

He earns 100k but has nothing despite not appearing to buy much. And that job comes with almost his annual salary in a bonus. And multiple businesses that are, he says, successful?

He is lying to you m. And the ‘I am a grown man who can make his own decisions’ is not someone you should be marrying. Decisions like that should always be made in the open. Not one hiding things.

Even, if this is all for his businesses, you shouldn’t marry a man who believe a he can do what he wants, when it has a potential impact on their spouse but doesn’t speak to their spouse about it.

Also check out Companies House and check out his businesses and their performance

Another one OP who wants to know why on earth you paid for the whole wedding. Is he tight with money when it comes to you but reckless when he's spending on himself or his 'businesses'?

oh gosh OP run dont walk. Do not marry this man

Be with him if you want but don't share finances or buy anything together including a house!

I hate to say this but he has seen you coming, you are doing well for yourself (sincerely well done for doing what you have achieved) but god no. do not marry him

Another no here. My DH is bad with money and had debt when we married - not as much, but it has blighted our lives and we are both poorer for it.

I have a personally driven hatred of these type of 'men'. They want the woman to be left in the dark about 'their business' but want sympathy and sharing when it all goes wrong.

If you are partners then you are partners and that's in everything.
Partnership can only work on mutual trust and mutual respect. He doesn't respect your opinions enough to discuss things and you at the moment can't trust him with your money.
Sorry, but I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship, see it for what it currently is, and work out a way together to improve it. If he can't or won't, then you've got a lifetime of misery ahead.

The debt will yours in a way. Because even if it isn’t in your name, he will still be stuck paying it all back and that means those same resources won’t be going to joint things.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

There are certainly some issues here but not the fact he taking out loans to support and expand his business that is pretty common for youngish ambitious businessmen.

it's more a trust and openness issue to me.

You need to tell him that if you are going to be married you need total openness. I'm not sure how financially literate you are but ask to see the following:

1. The last set of accounts and corporate tax return for his existing business - that will tell you a lot about his current situation
2. The business plans for the two loans he has taken out - if there is no collateral (and it doesn't sound like there is) that will require profit projections that demonstrate they are both commercially achievable and enable him to pay back his debts. I would be very surprised if a future bonus would cut the mustard unless he is contractually entitled to it

I think you should also ask him what his plans for his life are workwise. I'm not wild about him not telling you the correct amount but that may be nervousness on his part and if he behaves well in other regards then reiteration of the trust and openness point

The joint account is a bit of a red herring as long as you operate it properly - meaning get paid into your own account and just put your contribution to household bills in the joint account. On no account put your property in joint names - if his loans go bad you are in danger of losing it.

In the end it depends on what sort of life you want to lead. Thousands of people have partners or a married to someone who runs the risks associated with owning their own business (if successful of course there can be very good rewards as well). That bit is really up to you and what you feel comfortable with

I suspected you'd say you had paid for it all. I did to.. please don't go ahead with this marriage until you have a clearer picture of what's going on. I was a company director but knew nothing about it until I got a knock on the door one afternoon with two children crawling round the house under two.. the lies, the level of debt was staggering. You've been thrown a very big red flag weeks before the wedding, be thankful. Even if you did get married in two weeks this amount of debt is practically killing off any chance of a comfortable family life for the next 10+ years. I feel for you I really do xx

OP - I know some posters are suggesting there may still be a future for this relationship but it’s very hard to see how.

You mention being love-bombed. You’re paying for the wedding having fended off his proposal for a joint account. How long have you been together?

For now: you do not know this man well enough and you do not know enough about him to marry him. I suspect that when you do know enough, you won’t want to.

This guy is 36 and doesn't drive.

He has no savings.

He has no property.

He has at least £75k debt.

He is getting married in 2 weeks and has allowed you to pay for everything.

He doesn't buy new clothes or live a frivolous lifestyle.

What the actual hell is going on with this guys finances? How long have you been with him? Has he pushed the proposal and marriage? With him allegedly earning so much, why didn't he offer to contribute more or have a more elaborate wedding? What were the honeymoon plans?

Have you met his friends?

This sounds awful op. You're doing fantastic for yourself, do not let this guy drag you down.

Sounds like he’s a waste of oxygen. Do NOT marry him unless there is some legally binding way to ensure that he has zero rights to your home in the event of divorce.

Definitely don't marry him.

He lies.
Refusing to communication getting defensive
Supposedly former gambling habit. I suspect it's current. That is why he's broke and in debt.
Has no assets, no savings.

Forgot about digging any further into his finances or having any conversations about it - there is no point.

You have gone into this thinking that you can change his attitude to money, encourage him to be a saver like you.
That won't happen. Never marry a man thinking that you can change him.

Cancel the wedding and thank your lucky stars you found out in time.

I really wish you the best.

Unfortunately, he is a gambler and/or trader, it's pretty clear. They always tell themselves they can beat the system. He's probably rationalizing his losing as an "investment in learning" about whatever it is he is getting his thrills from.

That explains the lack of lavish lifestyle, lack of savings, lack of assets. He's frittering it away and then borrowing to do it more. He's an addict. I would bet (no pun intended) quite a bit on this.

It's a shame and doesn't make him a bad person, but you cannot tie yourself to this. Step away, be friends, find a man who can be an equal partner to you.

Let us know.

OP, have you been together for some years, or has this been a whirlwind relationship?

How does he have tine to run two not-very-successful businesses alongside a full time job?

How much income does he earn from each of the businesses? is it enough to pay off that £74k in a reasonable time span?

Are his two “can’t be very successful businesses if they need £75k to prop them up” in similar fields, or are they totally different from each other? Are either business in a similar field to his day job?

Is it just one business that needs the £75k or is the £75k split between them? Why doesn’t he close down the less profitable business to reduce the borrowing?

Are you sure the businesses exist and are active?

You said you’d seen his contract for his day job. Have you ever visited him at his workplace to be sure he actually works there?

Have you googled his name?