DF debt

[Beanzz]

Hi,

looking for perspective please.

found out by chance that fiancé has recently taken out a personal loan.

from his reaction to my initial questioning I guessed it was a lot and probed more. He told me it was around £30k he took out.

he told me it’s to support his new business due to cost of materials going sky high, delays in building work etc (this is true). He said he did this for his his existing business when it opened 7 years ago and was fine and paid it off.

however I’ve just found out he’s taken another £25k business loan out for his exisiting business on top of this new personal loan for new shop.

I also found out the personal loan is for £50k not £30k! So he lied about thy which is a red flag to me.

I am in a panic, I’ve never had debt, own my own house, have decent savings. I’m only 29, he’s 36 with no house but his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

The fact he lied about the loan amount concerns me. He’s wonderful in every regard otherwise, loving, sweet, hard working.

he has a high earning day job (£100k), and is due a bonus which says he will use to pay off his loan…but I don’t think his bonus will be that much to be honest.

but I am panicking, I did some Googling and I won’t be liable for his debt, but I am worried about entering a legal marriage with someone with such huge debts?

aibu? Am I over reacting?

OP you sound very sensible. I’m sorry you’re finding this out so close to your wedding, you must feel so conflicted.

For what it’s worth, I cancelled a wedding years ago (we stayed together a little while after), it took a while to accept that it was what I needed to do as I felt completely embarrassed and ashamed. I need not have felt that way, everyone was so lovely and supportive and then they all just got on with their lives, it wasn’t a big deal.

I’m now married to someone else. My DH had some debts which he made me aware of a couple of years before we married, I was supportive as I’ve been there myself (although sorted myself out since with some good savings). Anyway, I helped him work through things and get a better payment plan going, etc.
Fast forward to now, we are married and things have not been going so well (for various reasons), and I’m in a vulnerable position if I do leave him because I had assets going into the marriage and he didn’t. I am hoping we can work through things anyway because we do love each other, it’s just a huge worry.
I had looked into a pre-nup but it was too close to the wedding (and you’re even closer), so it wasn’t an option, plus they aren’t guaranteed, but I went ahead in good faith.

The biggest thing for you I think is that he took out a massive loan right before your wedding and didn’t even discuss it with you. Surely he knows that’s wrong? He then lied about how much it was, and these aren’t small amounts. It could jeopardise your future.
There is nothing to stop him riding out the marriage for a few years then taking half of your assets (not saying he would want to end the marriage necessarily but it could happen).

You need to insist on full transparency with his finances now (debts, bank accounts, business info) - you can say you’re happy to do the same with your finances so it’s fair - but don’t just take his word for it. If he is unwilling, say you can’t go ahead with the wedding until it’s sorted out, then it’s his call.

Good luck OP

Exaby what I was thinking. The disaster would be finding out 5 years down the line with a couple of kids. That future is avoidable.

You are in a very good financial place with your own home, The man who you planned to marry has large debts and had lied to you about them. You do realise your putting your own financial security at risk by marrying this man. He has shown you who he is.... he is defensive when questioned and isn't open and transparent. Absolutely not a chance would I walk into a marriage now...never mind the previous gambling (he still is playing with money and not very well)

None of this makes sense OP. His takehome pay should be near enough £8k per month. PER MONTH! The outgoings you've suggested cannot be anywhere near that (unless you're living in Knightsbridge or something?)

I suspect there may be an addiction of some sort going on here.

Just out of interest who's paid for the wedding? Is it a massively expensive large affair and cost lots? 🫣 that's a heck of a lots of loans!!

OP, assuming he has a pre-2012 and pays 5%ish into his pension, he should have between £4,700 - £4,800 per month net.

Does that really go on half rent (bills?), groceries and eating out?

Sounds like he may be paying off previous loans and/or gambling. Day trading and crypto may as well be gambling as well if that is his defence.

What do his businesses do that require supplies but no work from him?

*pre-2012 student loan that is. If neither SL or pension apply, he will be on £4,950 per month.

Secret gambling? Or just bad with money. Earning 100k with nothing to show for it is a red flag. Seek legal / financial advice (from a woman!) this week.

Please, please don't marry a liar you can't trust.

You've had a lucky red flag.

his finances don’t add up. Please don’t marry him and get tied up in a mess

I would not marry this man. At 36 with a £100,000 a year income and he has no mortgage or even money saved towards a house down payment. He has 2 business on the side that run themselves. I am sorry but their is no business out their that runs itself.

You found out that your husband to be has taken out 2 loans amounting to £75,000.
This man has gotten use to a nice lifestyle and that requires money to fund it.
His side business are either not making money or he owes the tax man, suppliers ect.

No wonder he wants to get married. He wanted you and him to have a join account and I am glad you told that you think about this after you got married.
It amazing how it's just now he told you about the smaller loan but you then found out about the 2nd larger loan.
I would not be surprised if he has other debits and a few credit cards with balances.
He is 36 with a good job if he is earning £100,000 a year but has at least £75,000 in debt.

At 29 your in a far better position than him. You have a job, own a home and have savings.

My advice is to tell him that your not going to marry him. Tell him that since he lied about his financial position you don't trust him and that your not willing to pay off his debits or lose your savings or house to do this.
Have a friend or your parents with you when you do this because he come back with a load of excuses or try to make you change your mind.

He only sees you as a cash cow and you deserve to be more than that.

In a way your lucky that you became aware of all his debits now and can stop the wedding now. I know it won't be easy to end things with him as I am sure you love him, had planned a wedding and possibly wanted a family in a few years time but he has lied about his financial situation. In time he could stop paying his debits, lose his job or have something happen to him and you could be left with a kids and no home because of him. Just read what happened to some of the woman who posted here with financially irresponsible men.

If his companies are Ltd, anyone can look them up on the Companies House website, including accounts submitted. I suggest you do this asap.

Thank you all. Have calmed down a bit, but still feel very shakey.

wedding is a smallish registry office job with nice family celebration afterwards, nothing huge which requires him to take out loans. I paid for everything except his ring and suit.

he’s due home anytime now, was supposed to be later but I think he’s panicked and coming home sooner than planned which is good. Nervous what might come out of our chat.

I really feel for you what a horrible situation . I don't say this lightly but I agree with those saying don't marry . You have worked hard to achieve some financial security yet your partner despite earning £100k
and running two businesses hasn't got a bean in assets . It doesn't ring true , if he's pumping money from his job into these businesses where are the profits ?? There aren't any otherwise why does he need big loans to prop them up . It's all such a red flag , at the very minimum he has a very poor attitude to money , he doesn't like being challenged on it and in the future everything you have worked for could be at risk .

How much is your rent OP?

And what exactly are the side businesses?

I would want to see bank statements really? If there's nothing to hide then there's nothing to hide right?

Good luck 🤞

I would not be nervous telling him that it's over because he has lied to you. He is in a a load of debit and has taken out £75,000 worth of loans recently.

If your 29 with a good job, your own home and savings why would you stay with a 36 year old broke dude who's either gambling, putting money into cyrpo currency, doing cfd's - betting on the stock market which can lose of lot of money or has a coke habit.

If you have an income of £4,500- £5,000 a month after tax at 36 you should have savings especially if you have not even bought a home yet and not taking out £75,000 in loans just before you marry a woman with a good job, savings and her own house.

Stop being an idiot and tell him it over because he is not dragging you down with him.

Just to add: I'd be livid if DH took out any amount in a loan without discussing it - including for his business, as would he if I did! That's not how a partnership works.

Good luck with your talk, stay firm, write notes if you need them. He's going to work hard to suck you back in and will probably go quite aggressive when you push the issue, given his initial reaction.

Why have you paid for the whole wedding?

Do not marry him.
His companies need to be Ltd companies

Do not marry him! His attitude to debt with kill the marriage

Ask him to show you his credit rating

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Sorry, OP, he is red flag central. You evidently aren't on the same page about money and how dare he not tell you all this until 2 weeks before the wedding!!!

I'd be asking to see his bank statements and do a credit search on him tbh

@Beanzz I hope you get what you need from for him to make a decision.

I am thinking only complete financial transparency is the way forward.

If I were you I would check my own credit score to see if he has fraudulently used your details to obtain credit.
If he has it will be a police matter.

I would very much like to know where all his monthly salary is going. Unless you are paying scads for a flat, he should have significant slack on that budget, and yet he has no assets whatsoever? What's the actual plan for his business (es), how are the loans going to increase the profit above and beyond their cost? And why TF, if he has a 6 figure job and 2 profitable businesses, is he fucking broke?