DF debt

[Beanzz]

Hi,

looking for perspective please.

found out by chance that fiancé has recently taken out a personal loan.

from his reaction to my initial questioning I guessed it was a lot and probed more. He told me it was around £30k he took out.

he told me it’s to support his new business due to cost of materials going sky high, delays in building work etc (this is true). He said he did this for his his existing business when it opened 7 years ago and was fine and paid it off.

however I’ve just found out he’s taken another £25k business loan out for his exisiting business on top of this new personal loan for new shop.

I also found out the personal loan is for £50k not £30k! So he lied about thy which is a red flag to me.

I am in a panic, I’ve never had debt, own my own house, have decent savings. I’m only 29, he’s 36 with no house but his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

The fact he lied about the loan amount concerns me. He’s wonderful in every regard otherwise, loving, sweet, hard working.

he has a high earning day job (£100k), and is due a bonus which says he will use to pay off his loan…but I don’t think his bonus will be that much to be honest.

but I am panicking, I did some Googling and I won’t be liable for his debt, but I am worried about entering a legal marriage with someone with such huge debts?

aibu? Am I over reacting?

The fact he didn't even discuss it with you is huge. He was planning to bring £75k worth of debt into marriage to you without a word. And when you found out about it, he lied. You really, really, really do not want to financially tie yourself to someone like this. It's not even about the debt any more. It's who he is as a person you need to be concerned about. Feckless, a liar, and shows no respect for you.

Ask him if he would take loans out without discussing with you first, when you are married?

If yes then that doesn't feel very much like a partnership does it? or safe?

If not then what's the difference with just a few weeks before you're married?

When you marry he will be entitled to half your house (starting point) on divorce.

Yeah. He's an adult is he? He doesn't want judging.

His response would have me packing his bags (I'm guessing he moved in to your home seeing as how he earns a six figure salary but can't get on the property ladder)

He's shown how your views are not important to him. Also he's kind of missed the point of a marriage/relationship. You make decisions together. You're honest with each other. You don't bloody hide tens of thousands of pounds of debt.

Oh and I got on the property ladder when I lived and worked in London on about a third of his wage. What the fuck is he spending his money on?

It's one of those threads where I suspect it's the top of the iceberg...

He didn’t discuss a huge loan with you, and then lied about the amount and now doesn’t like the idea of having to talk it through in case you “judge” him?

does he not realise by lying and hiding things he has already jeopardised your future because I wouldn’t be able to trust him financially especially when he’s on a large income and also has a massive amount of debt.

if he married you he could wait a year and then divorce you to get half. He could also potentially with joint accounts get you into a lot of debt also or use your money to pay for everything!

i would not marry him and honestly I would be considering whether there was any future with him at all.

Pre nuls are not a legal instrument in the UK. They may be taken into account by a court.

basically if he can’t pay this debt, you could lose your house…..

I’d rather deal with the embarrassment of having to postpone rather than end up tied financially to someone I shouldn’t be?

It's a rhetorical question, so no need for the question mark...
Be glad that you found out now.
This is devastating, I know. But you will be fine.
Much better than if you'd found out in a month instead of now!
When you feel down, remember that financial infidelity can be as painful as sexual infidelity, and probably leads to deep unhappiness and marriage breakdown just as often.
Being on the same page in terms of life goals is a fundamental prerequisite of marriage.
You've dodged a bullet!! 💐

Are the loans in his personal name or the business one? are the businesses Ltd company's? (if they are Ltd companys, and the loans are for the business not him personally then no they won't affect you, even if married)

Maybe the salary isn’t true, either.

I think I would just say that we need to have an open and honest conversation about finances - current and future plans - given we are making a legal commitment to one another.

The £50k loan is a personal loan.

The other £25k loan is a business loan for his ltd business.

plus if he was really using the £50k personal loan for his new business, why did he feel the need to take out the £25k business loan?? It doesn’t all up and My brain is going a million miles per hour

You are not aligned when it comes to money, that's obvious now you've found out his way of living.

He's also shown himself to be a liar.

He's never going to change his habits, so you need to tread very carefully, and decide if you can live like this.

If you decide to have children, that's a completely different ball game.🤔

There is the possibility that he's a secret gambler.

His response is all well and good if you're not married. It's a very different picture if you are.
You have a house.
He doesn't.
He has debt
You don't.
Marriage is going to make it all very complicated OP.

It's fortunate you've found this out now before you're married. It's very concerning and I think you'd be right to postpone the wedding as a minimum until you've got to the bottom of this. I'd be worried if you were married that he'd drag you down with him. That's a scary amount of debt with no assets

This is quite possible. He’s clearly spending vast sums of money and doesn’t have a lot to show for it so a gambling or other addiction seems likely.

You describe his businesses as ‘assets’. What are you basing that on? Have you seen their accounts? What are they making or projected to make to justify the £75k of debt (that you know about, it’s probably more)?

His reaction when you asked him to discuss the loans tells you all you need to know - he’s gone on the defensive. A sensible mature adult knows that marriage links you financially and if he was a decent person with nothing to hide he would be actively encouraging you to know and understand what you’re tying yourself to. Getting irritated and defensive and continuing to drip feed you nuggets of watered down information lies is a MASSIVE red flag.

You would be insane to marry this man.

Gambler

Drug addict ? Cocaine

Sex workers

You'll have to unpick this with a fine tooth comb and see any business papers to back up any story he may feed you.

Do not do not do not marry this man with this debt. He will fuxk your financial life up.

He's shown you who he is. Especially with the most recent message. No acknowledgment of the severity of the issue or that he actually owes you a full and frank explanation considering you are entering into a legally and financially binding contract with each other - otherwise known as a marriage. Don't do it.

Read this again OP. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
He is lying to you. No business runs itself, its not making money if it does. He will take half of your home and savings. Dont live to repent your decision. Please think carefully and get legal advice. Pre nups are not legally enforceable here. Hugs!! Sorry you found out this way, but he does not seem right for you

How long have you been together?

His reaction about judging him has thrown me. I didn’t expect him to be defensive.

part of me is now worrying I’ve been massively duped and love bombed, when actually he’s been drowning in debt and thinking I’m an easy way out? My brain is going into overdrive thinking about the worst!

i know he used to gamble in his early 20s when he first started working but stopped after a few years. That comment has me wondering now as it is a huge salary to be struggling and need loans for. He doesn’t have ex wife or kids to pay for etc.

Can you do any investigation of your own? Bank accounts
Gambling sites
Apps
Any history on iPads etc

Sorry OP but he’s taking you for a long ride.

Spell it out to him that unless he shows you all the paperwork for the businesses and the loans and his detailed plans for paying them back, you will not marry him. Be clear with him that it’s a dealbreaker.

Why does his business need that much capital spending on materials if it “runs by itself”? All businesses need managing to some extent.

I’m also wondering if he’s got a gambling habit because people with addictions are very good at lying to your face and swearing black is white and being vague and dismissive when pressed.

His response is him being defensive by attacking you.
It suggests there are things you don’t know about and he’s throwing it back at you to deflect you from probing further.
His Businesses probably aren’t profitable at all
I am really sorry but going through with the wedding is a really bad idea.

He has a job and a business? Where does he live, with you?

Why the hell does he need to borrow so much!

Postpone the wedding. Make some shit up about illness or something. People will get it.

Tell him you'll consider marriage down the line once all debts are repaid in full, and you have evidence of this.

Would you consider going to marriage counselling to talk about your apparently very different attitude to money.

part of me is now worrying I’ve been massively duped and love bombed, when actually he’s been drowning in debt and thinking I’m an easy way out?

Its quite possible you've been targeted, yes.

Where did you meet him?