DF debt

[Beanzz]

Hi,

looking for perspective please.

found out by chance that fiancé has recently taken out a personal loan.

from his reaction to my initial questioning I guessed it was a lot and probed more. He told me it was around £30k he took out.

he told me it’s to support his new business due to cost of materials going sky high, delays in building work etc (this is true). He said he did this for his his existing business when it opened 7 years ago and was fine and paid it off.

however I’ve just found out he’s taken another £25k business loan out for his exisiting business on top of this new personal loan for new shop.

I also found out the personal loan is for £50k not £30k! So he lied about thy which is a red flag to me.

I am in a panic, I’ve never had debt, own my own house, have decent savings. I’m only 29, he’s 36 with no house but his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

The fact he lied about the loan amount concerns me. He’s wonderful in every regard otherwise, loving, sweet, hard working.

he has a high earning day job (£100k), and is due a bonus which says he will use to pay off his loan…but I don’t think his bonus will be that much to be honest.

but I am panicking, I did some Googling and I won’t be liable for his debt, but I am worried about entering a legal marriage with someone with such huge debts?

aibu? Am I over reacting?

None of this makes sense. If the businesses (plural?!) run themselves then what is the massive amount of borrowed capital needed for? Surely it needs spending, whatever it’s spent on needs managing….that’s not a business that runs itself.

Has he shown you his bank accounts? It makes no sense that he spends his entire £100k salary unless he’s swanning around in designer goods and drinking champagne. Is he? So where is all the money?

Seems there’s a massive grey area between his personal and ‘business’ finances. You need to fully understand every inch of those businesses and their finances before you marry this man. Is he going to facilitate that? Is he fuck.

He is taking you for a fool. Clearly sees you and your property as his meal ticket out of the hole he’s in. I would put good money on you having only just scratched the surface of this sorry situation.

I'm thinking gambling issue/ day trading/ crypto investments gone wrong.

That’s my thoughts.

I was originally v shocked about the personal loan for business. But stupidly trusted him when he said he did it previously for his first business and paid it back.

but today I found out about the 25k business one, and that the person loan was actually for £50k not £30k, which has sent me into a panic about the personal loan reason being a lie in itself. I found out as I snooped in his email. I’m ashamed to say that but I had suspicions he wasn’t be truthful about the loan as was very avoidant when I tried to ask details. I guess I’m glad I did.

I will speak to him later, unfortunately he won’t be back until later this evening, at least it will give me some time to clearly think about what I want to say and ask him.

He concealed it (lying by omission) then he lied to your face about the amount, then he revealed a second loan. To be on a high salary with no assets whatsoever and huge debts... I think he's still gambling. At the very least, he's gambling a huge amount of money on the businesses.

The concealment and lying would be enough for me. Then making out you're being unreasonable for having legitimate concerns. I'm so glad you found this out before the wedding.

How is he proposing to support his family if you have children with debts like that over his head. I'd be running if I was you!

Start packing and sorting your paperwork while you're waiting...

Do you have anywhere to go?

As a start:

1. What are his businesses
2. How much debt does each business have
3. How much debt does he personally have
4. Why didn't he tell you about the businesses/ loans
5. How does he intend to pay each debt off.

This is good advice if you intend to stick around. You'll need to consider if you do though as how long is that going to be for him to pay off? If he's having to borrow those sums why on earth is he paying himself so much? It could take years - when was you planning on having children?

How long have you been together?
What was it that made you check his email?
Why is he being so dismissive when you are fully entitled to know what you're signing up to by getting married?

Call it off at the very least.

This sounds really stressful and I'm sorry you're going through this so close to your wedding.

Have you seen any evident of his salary? Payslips, employment contract etc? Or how much the businesses make? Agree with PP that that's a big salary to be struggling on.

Also, the fact he lied and you had to find the information yourself is concerning. He could be hiding other debts that you don't even know to look for.

I think the advice on this thread is good and you need to prioritise yourself and your own financial well-being

Thank you.

the advice and questions are really helpful. It’s completely knocked me side ways.

think I was in denial as he’s such a lovely and romantic guy, but finances are obviously a huge concern for entering marriage and trump that. I’ve worked and saved hard to get my house and savings, and such a huge debt is really scary for me.

I would be more understanding if it was smaller I.e 5-10k. I would also be more understanding if he had been open and honest about it, and not lied about it.

I’ve seen his contract, and his day job is legitimate. I was initially concerned about his salary and having nothing to show for it, but I thought we could make a fresh start and get him cutting back on his spending ready for our future.

we spoke about buying a house together next summer, and have been looking - now I’m thinking why on earth was he even going along with knowing he’s taken out a huge personal loan??? Banks won’t even look at him now surely?? He has to pay 9% interest and will have to pay back 62k in total just on that.

I looked at his emails as he completely shut down when I asked about his loan or tried to talk about it - he wasn’t giving specifics on it or when he had to pay it back etc. bad of me but to honest I’m glad I did.

We had a friend who would do this sort of thing when working on a big project. Big personal loans, business loans, borrowed from friends and maxed out credit cards. In fairness to him he payed it all back and made good profits each time, but he had a fair few tight corners along the way, we’d be literally popping over with shopping as he had nothing at all. The worst we had to loose was a few thousand we lent him on a few occasions, but I could not have lived with him as my DP/DH, as the stress and risk would have driven me to an early grave I think.

Oh god OP I really feel for you.

Let's look at it realistically on paper. Factually.

You
A great career
Sensible with money
Own your own house
Substantial savings for your age.

Him
Apparently earns well. Have you seen proof of this?
Has zero savings
Has substantial (75k?) debt of which 25k is tied to the business.
Apparently owns two businesses. Have you seen actual proof of this?

In your shoes I would be very concerned that as sun as you are married you are committed. We are much more likely to stay in a crap relationship if we need to divorce. Sink cost fallacy and not wanting to look like we made a bad choice etc. so you could very well end up losing your house, savings etc to cover this man's debt.

I would absolutely 100% cancel/postpone the wedding. A looooong postponement to give me chance to catch my breath and get to the bottom of all this. His evasiveness, poor money management is very worrying.

I’d have to reply, “We’ll, I don’t like being lied to about debt, and I don’t like that you would have happily lumbered me with your debt without telling me”. I’ll bet the £75k is the tip of the iceberg. I’d look carefully for credit card bills and other loans. I’d also see if you can run a credit check on him.

Does he live a lavish lifestyle, drive a fancy car, do to Dubai and fancy holidays a lot? Just where does that kind of money go!

If he doesn't there is something sinister- as he has history with gambling it's probably that.

You need to ask him outright and make it clear to him that if he is not honest with you and you find out he has lied, you will be gone, no second chances. Now is the time to lay it all out.

Op I was in a relationship with a reasonably good earner who blamed his debts on his ex. So I paid his loans and credit card debts off because they were costing a lot in interest rates. We also set up a business together and whilst I was in hospital he just started spending. Basically ended up losing £45k and had to sell our home and buy a fixer upper to recoup the money. He always spent more than he earned, no matter how much he earned. It really impacted my life and my choices for many years and I spent a few years worried sick every time there was a letter through the post.

I would cancel the wedding. Whether you stay together or not, you can decide that but definitely do not marry him. Keep your own house and your own credit and your own savings.

He's really going on the defensive already isn't he? He doesn't like being judged?

There's only one issue here. He lied.

Don't let him divert the discussion away from that.

I'm sorry. Good luck 🤞

He doesn’t have a lavish lifestyle at all!

We live in his rented flat close to his work (he can’t WFH or drive, I can do both), I rent out my house.

His salary goes on half the rent, phone, eating out, groceries. He doesn’t drive (learning) so no expensive car. he doesn’t buy new clothes.

I will raise the topic of gambling and day trading to see his reaction. I think his reaction will say a lot like it did for my initial question which set off this can of worms in the first place.

feel like an idiot, so close to wedding aswell :( what a disaster

I'd he's such a high earner, then why is he taking out loans?

Do you live together, could you tell him you want to live separately but stay in a relationship, and don't buy a house with him.

Don't feel like an idiot OP

Be proud of yourself that you're prepared to stand up and get answers. There's many who would stick their head in the sand with a wedding so close.

Stay strong. Speak with him later and go with your gut feeling. Good luck.

The thing is I couldn't be with someone I had to wheedle the truth out of.

He's shown he can't be open and honest with you. About this and god only knows what else

Someone you have to say things to 'see how he reacts' is not someone to be tying yourself to financially and for the rest of your life.

Pp said it best. He's a liar. Focus on that. Everything else is immaterial really. He could be buying 50k worth kittens. But he lied to you. I really doubt this is the only thing.

How did you meet? He does seem to have landed on his feet with you. A perfectly solvent woman with savings.

This.

And be prepared for the inevitable "if you can't trust me, then the wedding is off and we're done." He has a lot at stake and probably needs your money and assets to keep going. Don't let him bully you into marrying him.

feel like an idiot, so close to wedding aswell :( what a disaster

The true disaster would would finding all this out after the wedding, so take the blessing that this is and stay sensible. Watch his reaction later, if he's cagey, defensive you will not be able to have a successful marriage with this man.

Be glad you found out now before hes entitled to half ur house n savings.

He earns 100k so nearly 10k a month with bonuses and 2 other businesses...no car and no jetset life..and at least £75k debt...... i say at least as this is just loans how much else on credit cards etc...

All he pays is half rent n bills ??

Do not marry him.... he probably isn't out to fleece you but obviously has a serious financial issues .. gambling the most obvious suggestion....especially as he said he had before....

Please do not marry him...

I'm not surprised your shaken

Ask to see his bank statements for the businesses and his tax returns.

I run a small business and I don't make much, but there's 'paperwork' required however small the business, however small the profit. If the businesses are not making money - then stop. To invest £75k is a business that doesn't require much in the way of management makes me very suspicious.

I'm with others - postpone. And start checking when you can get back into your house - you may have to move out of his flat sooner than you think sadly