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Original poster

DF debt

199 replies

Beanzz · 18/10/2022 12:08

Hi,

looking for perspective please.

found out by chance that fiancé has recently taken out a personal loan.

from his reaction to my initial questioning I guessed it was a lot and probed more. He told me it was around £30k he took out.

he told me it’s to support his new business due to cost of materials going sky high, delays in building work etc (this is true). He said he did this for his his existing business when it opened 7 years ago and was fine and paid it off.

however I’ve just found out he’s taken another £25k business loan out for his exisiting business on top of this new personal loan for new shop.

I also found out the personal loan is for £50k not £30k! So he lied about thy which is a red flag to me.

I am in a panic, I’ve never had debt, own my own house, have decent savings. I’m only 29, he’s 36 with no house but his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

The fact he lied about the loan amount concerns me. He’s wonderful in every regard otherwise, loving, sweet, hard working.

he has a high earning day job (£100k), and is due a bonus which says he will use to pay off his loan…but I don’t think his bonus will be that much to be honest.

but I am panicking, I did some Googling and I won’t be liable for his debt, but I am worried about entering a legal marriage with someone with such huge debts?

aibu? Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 18/10/2022 13:11

and you will be responsible for his debt, once married, if his businesses go tits up

I think that's only if they are joint debts.

debtcamel.co.uk/snapshot/his-hers-debt/

I see OP has very sensibly declined joint accounts and even more sensibly is having second thoughts - especially as she's financially secure and he, it appears, isn't.

Schmickels · 18/10/2022 13:11

Po, no advice I'm sorry - but just commenting to say that as far as I'm aware, pre nups have no legal validity in the UK.

Schmickels · 18/10/2022 13:12

*OP, that should read.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/10/2022 13:12

Lovestodrinkmilk · 18/10/2022 12:17

Postpone the wedding. Not because he has business debts, but because you two clearly haven't talked nearly enough about your attitudes to money, debt etc.

Agree. Do not proceed.

What if he loses his job?

bjrce · 18/10/2022 13:12

"He doesn’t own a house, no savings, just his businesses as assets."
He wanted to open up a joint account?
He lied to you about how much he borrowed?

OP
I know you are probably going to still go ahead with the wedding once the initial shock wears off, but I am telling you, you are going to end up with a lot of trouble in the future with this guy!
You are going to kick yourself when that realisation sets in!
He's shown you who he is!

He didn't disclose the amount of his debts to you - you had to find that out for yourself.
What else re finances don't you know about.
What decisions is he going to make in the future without telling you - that will ipact you.
I really hope you make the right decision for yourself!

Once you get married he'll be entitled to half your house!

Lalliella · 18/10/2022 13:14

Are you in the UK? Pre-nups aren't legally enforceable here.

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 18/10/2022 13:18

Half your house will be his if your marriage goes tits up. Pre-nups don't actually protect properly against this (I don't know why... I heard someone on Woman's hour talking about it at some point).

I won't be marrying anyone who doesn't own their own house to equal value of my property because I absolutely cannot afford to lose half of mine and that is what will happen if the partner requests a divorce.

Dery · 18/10/2022 13:26

“"He doesn’t own a house, no savings, just his businesses as assets."
He wanted to open up a joint account?
He lied to you about how much he borrowed?

OP
I know you are probably going to still go ahead with the wedding once the initial shock wears off, but I am telling you, you are going to end up with a lot of trouble in the future with this guy!

You are going to kick yourself when that realisation sets in!
He's shown you who he is!

He didn't disclose the amount of his debts to you - you had to find that out for yourself.
What else re finances don't you know about.

What decisions is he going to make in the future without telling you - that will ipact you.
I really hope you make the right decision for yourself!

Once you get married he'll be entitled to half your house!”

This. He likely wouldn’t have a claim to your house straightaway but there’s so much here that doesn’t add up and is very worrying.

And he wanted you to open a joint account. What - so he could dip into what you’re earning too?

Sorry, OP - it’s really hard so close to the wedding but you’d be best off postponing and ultimately you may need to walk away from this guy. You’re only 29 - time to start again. How long have you known been together?

dontputitthere · 18/10/2022 13:34

Honestly. I would run.

At the very very least do not marry in a few weeks

He has lied to you. You only found this out by accident. What else is there?

He wanted a joint account? Course he bloody did!

He's the cat that got the cream. A financially sound woman with a house and savings.

Do not marry this man.

I'm not sure I could stay with someone who lied to me so fucking brazenly though. That's another issue. Do you trust him?

bonzaitree · 18/10/2022 13:35

Lots of bad legal advice on here- take it with a pinch of salt. Go and see a solicitor OP. They will be able to tell you the realities of marital assets. They will be able to give you proper advice on the prenup.

Chewbecca · 18/10/2022 13:40

I am boggled that he earns £100k and has two side businesses (would like to know whether he earns from them or not) and has no property, savings or investments.

It strongly suggests his spending is out of control.

On a more positive note, DH did have fairly significant personal debts when we got together. I did understand how he had come to that position, he had DC and was running 2 homes and knowingly spent more than he earned. 20 years down the line he has 0 debt and our house is paid off and he paid a lot into his pension. I still occasionally have some jitters about him living within his means but he does now.

NameyNameChangey · 18/10/2022 13:42

Oh god I hardly ever post on here but had to reply. I'm posting from a place of support/kindness, but I realise it might come across as a little blunt/ harsh...so apologies for any offence caused...

You're so close to the wedding it's highly unlikely you'll call it off now but please, please, PLEASE instead of thinking about the dress/walking down the aisle/ party, etc fast forward a few days/weeks/months - the party's over, dress boxed up, etc... and you now have a piece of paper tying you to this lying bullshitter forever.

It's not right. It will never be right. Even discounting the whole massive salary / nothing to show for it thing (do you know for sure about his salary/have you seen a payslip or a bank statement to confirm or are you trusting that he's been accurate with that figure? If true, what the fuck has he spent it all on??) Anyway...you two just aren't on the same page regarding finances. He spends. You save. That's the life you're signing up for. It's there on paper - you have savings and a house, he has a load of debt - so this is your chance to take it or leave it.

Sack him off now before the wedding and before kids. He's talking shite (businesses just do not 'run themselves') and I promise you he is absolutely not worth it, however amazing his personality may or may not be. Keep your money, keep your home, keep your financial security and be glad you had the chance to leave before it was too late!

FlowerArranger · 18/10/2022 13:46

his businesses are potentially worth a lot I guess.

You guess? On what basis are you making g this assumption?

he has a day job, two side businesses that run themselves.

Businesses that make money don't run themselves. Are you sure these so called businesses aren't just hobbies and money pits?

He doesn’t own a house, no savings, just his businesses as assets

At 36, with a job that pays 100k?

he’s been open about not saving and spending all his salary.

Spending all his salary of 100k on what? And why?

I thought it was fine and we could make a fresh start and I’d help him save, but obviously not with £75k debt

Leopards don't change their spots. Don't marry him. You are fundamentally incompatible and it'll all end in grief...

DenholmElliot1 · 18/10/2022 13:46

He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

You do though. I always thought marriage was supposed to benefit people. It would only benefit him in this instance. Can't really understand why someone with assets would marry someone with none. I just cant see the logic behind it.

DenholmElliot1 · 18/10/2022 13:50

Oh, and liars aren't much of a catch either. Can't you find someone honest, with assets to marry?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 18/10/2022 13:50

What @NameyNameChangey and @FlowerArranger said. All of it.

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 13:50

he previously wanted to open a joint bank account but I said I’d prefer keeping finances separate until married (I’m glad I said this now

Not being married is protecting you, then. Stay that way.

He has lied to you about something fundamental. I can't see how you could marry him. What if his vows are lies?

hoorayandupsherises · 18/10/2022 13:52

Argh, no.

People don't change their financial approach, it's a massive thing that needs to be compatible for a couple to work.

He has lied about something huge and something that he knows is important to you.

If you did get married, he can keep spending that massive salary and if you split, he'd get half the assets you've accumulated and he'd still be earning that huge salary in future, of which you wouldn't get a penny.

redbigbananafeet · 18/10/2022 13:52

How can someone earn 100k + a year but not have a mortgage, savings and be 75K in debt?

redbigbananafeet · 18/10/2022 13:53

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 18/10/2022 13:01

two side businesses that run themselves

Translation - don't make or actually lose money. Any details of these businesses that 'run themselves'? because that's not like any business I know.

Exactly, otherwise everyone would have this business.

Original poster
Beanzz · 18/10/2022 13:56

Thank you for all the replies.

it’s hard to read, but I guess it’s the reality of the situation. I had a horrible gut feeling that I wasn’t being OTT.

I just messaged him, and said we need to talk about the loans in more detail as soon as he comes home tonight. I want to know everything.

he’s response - “I don’t like you judging me, I’m a grown adult who can make his own decisions and wouldn’t jeopardise our future”

Luckily the wedding is small, and I I’d rather deal with the embarrassment of having to postpone rather than end up tied financially to someone I shouldn’t be?

I’m shaking, so much to consider, feel very shaken

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 18/10/2022 14:00

Tuen the next thing from you should be “Well I wont marry a liar. Byeeeee!”

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 14:03

Deciding whether to marry someone is the ultimate judgement. He didn't mind all your judging when it was in his favour, did he?

The embarrassment is his. He's really let you down here, and I know that feels awful, but don't take any of the responsibility for having to cancel the wedding. This is on him and his lying.

focuspocus · 18/10/2022 14:04

I think his response gives you your answer. He's lied to you. That would be enough for me. I wouldn't now be able to trust anything he says. You have a lot to lose if you marry and it all goes wrong. At the very least I would be postponing it. Sorry this is happening to you.

Musti · 18/10/2022 14:04

Beanzz · 18/10/2022 13:56

Thank you for all the replies.

it’s hard to read, but I guess it’s the reality of the situation. I had a horrible gut feeling that I wasn’t being OTT.

I just messaged him, and said we need to talk about the loans in more detail as soon as he comes home tonight. I want to know everything.

he’s response - “I don’t like you judging me, I’m a grown adult who can make his own decisions and wouldn’t jeopardise our future”

Luckily the wedding is small, and I I’d rather deal with the embarrassment of having to postpone rather than end up tied financially to someone I shouldn’t be?

I’m shaking, so much to consider, feel very shaken

Christ. Whether he’s hiding something or whether he doesn’t think he needs to consult you when it is this amount of money when you’ll be potentially liable or because you’re supposed to be a partnership, it doesn’t bode well. And lying about it would make me seriously reconsider.

I really admire you op for this. Many would have decided to just go ahead so as not to disrupt anything.