Slept with BIL

[Lyndsb]

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

Be kind to yourself. You haven't actually done anything wrong.

When you're ready, talk things through with him and clear the air.

Please be kind to yourself.

I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all. You were both a comfort to each other by the sound of it. I don’t see it as a betrayal of your feelings for you’re late husband either.

You haven't done anything wrong at all, please don't feel guilty. But ifvits made you feel so awful give yourself some space from all the extra emotions and don't forget to be kind to yourself. x

My friends friend did this too after she lost her husband. It's understandable really, he's the nearest thing you have to him. Don't beat yourself up, grief manifests in many ways.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a really funny thing and I don't think it's that unusual for two grieving people to find comfort in each other, doesn't mean you love your DH any less.

Maybe message BIL saying you need some time to think about things as you're confused and upset and take it from there.

Have you had any bereavement counselling? If not that may help you process your feelings around it all.

You're not a horrible person, you're human please be kind to yourself.

Please go easy on yourself. You haven't cheated on anyone and you haven't betrayed anyone. What would you say to a close friend who had the same experience...I bet you would tell them they hadn't done anything wrong.

It sounds like you have had a lovely relationship with BIL and that doesn't need to change. You are grown ups who have both experienced some trauma and loss. Talk to him.

❤

It's just very sad that you lost the love of your life. I can't imagine the pain you're in.

Don't beat yourself up about this. Sending lots of love.

You’re in no way a horrible person. You are a grieving and incredibly vulnerable woman. Your BiL is also grieving and trying to find comfort. I can’t really offer any words for how you can move in from this - only you know if you’re able to do that, but please, go easy on yourself

You are both single and so can be with whoever you wish. How can this make you "a horrible person"? This all sounds totally normal, and at least you know he's a decent bloke, rather than a dodgy stranger. If you both agree, then just crack on.

You have done nothing wrong. Please be gentler on yourself.

This happened between my father and aunt after my DM died. I get why it happened, there's a shared grief and it feels like very few people understand. I don't judge you at all.
However, I should add that they then had a relationship (everyone was supportive and understanding) but when they split up, it really changed the dynamics of our family. I feel I lost a bit of both of them, which is horrible. So please please don't feel bad, just tread carefully if you're looking to explore a further relationship. Make sure it's him you want, and not just a connection to your DH.

I'm really very sorry about your loss. Sending much love. Be kind to yourself. X

You found comfort in each other and that's ok. You're both hurting and you were there for each other.

You haven't betrayed anyone. It's very clear you adore your late husband.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.

Please reassure him, sounds like he is going through the same thing you are, both of you have done nothing wrong.

I am sure this happens a lot
It's not like you would have done it if your dh were still here. I don't imagine he'd be anything but happy about too people he loved getting together! And if it's just a one night, comfort thing, then again, so what? You both deserve some comfort

It’s a very common thing to happen after a bereavement of spouse/sibling.

I only see two bereaved people finding comfort in each other, I don’t see either of you have done anything wrong at all. Your husband is still the love of your life, nothing has changed there at all.

I also don't think this is terrible. I thought he was going to be happily married to your sister or SIL.

You are allowed to move on after the death of a spouse and people can do, quite quickly. It's understandable that his brother should attract you as the nurture part of their personalities will be very similar.

If you think your children are going to struggle with it then don't tell them and speak frankly to BIL. In time, if you do still have feelings for each other, your DCs will understand.

I'm really sorry your DH died, of course. Be gentle on yourself x

I'm guessing this is the first time you've slept with someone since losing your DH? It can throw up lots of feelings including guilt, betrayal, etc. You were both free to do what you did. And it's ok.

I agree with others that you haven't done anything wrong.

I saw the title of this thread and thought this would be one I'd need popcorn for. Opened the thread and read your post and how wrong was I!

OP you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you are not a horrible person. Please be kinder to yourself

Please be kind to yourself OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You have done nothing wrong. You both sought out comfort in someone who would understand your grief. It happens more often than you think. Please be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much to everyone. My stomach is in knots since it happened. I have not started bereavement counselling yet. My DC are seeing counsellors and its really helping them. I haven't been intimate with anybody else since DH died,haven't even thought about it to be honest. I haven't wanted to be intimate with anybody else but when I get into bed at night I would love a cuddle and somebody telling me everything is going to be OK. My BIL has gone through the whole thing with us. He visits at least three to four times a week and the kids love their uncle.

You've done nothing wrong, both of you are grieving the loss of your husband. It's probably a bit of comfort and transference for you both. Sad as it is in a way , Life has to go forward forward. As others have rightly pointed out be kind to yourself.

Oh you poor thing. Honestly, the grief, history, and love for DH is something you both share and always will.
Talk to your BIL. It’s really ok. Nothing weird’s going on. You’re just trying to navigate through a world without your DH in it. So is BIL. It’s the toughest journey. Definitely don’t put each other on ice. Talk things through. If anything, tell each other it’ll be ok. Be a friend to him and let him be a friend to you. Don’t analyse what happened. Just try and get through today. You don’t have to make any choices/decisions. Just be kind to yourself, go easy, and be there for the extended family when you can. You and your children are top priority here so just take care of yourself as best you can. ❤️