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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 17/10/2022 18:07

@Lyndsb
All the best, if he makes.you happy, why not engage in a relationship ?

Rewis · 17/10/2022 18:08

This is very common. You're not the first and not the last to do this. Neither of you did anything wrong. You're not a horrible person.
It is all fresh and there is no need to decide anything permanent. If you feel like you need some time before talking to him. Tell him that. Communicate how you feel. Listen to him.

Mischance · 17/10/2022 18:10

He held you all night which was just what you needed. You have done nothing wrong; you are not a horrible person.

I too am widowed - I have no doubt that I would have done exactly as you did.

lafado · 17/10/2022 18:11

OP the next time you BIL is round maybe you could tell them that your head is all over the place and ask if you can just act like nothing happened and go back to how things were. I am sure they will likely feel the same.

You both likely need time to process your grief.

lunar1 · 17/10/2022 18:13

You haven't done anything wrong, talk to him and clear the air.

Threelittlelambs · 17/10/2022 18:14

I do think you need to be brave and speak to him. He may well feel the same as you and is ow feeling awkward.

I know how you must feel but sometimes the reality is better than the anguish you are inflicting on yourself.

IncompleteSenten · 17/10/2022 18:14

You are not a horrible person.
You are both grieving. This happens sometimes - people who are hurting seek comfort

Neither of you are bad people.

Isittrueornot · 17/10/2022 18:15

I suppose his the next best thing to your late husband as they are brothers. I have known this to happen before and I don’t think it’s as unusual as you would imagine.

You haven’t done anything wrong, be kind to yourself

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/10/2022 18:15

It’s not illegal, you are not related. And in the Old Testament, a man was supposed to marry his brother’s widow ( as long as he was single, of course!).

we all need to take some comfort sometimes.

Callmejudy · 17/10/2022 18:16

This happens more than you think. You are grieving, go easy on yourself please xx

StrictlyAmazing · 17/10/2022 18:17

You’re both single, nothing wrong with having sex or even dating this man. I understand the guilt but you shouldn’t feel guilty. No one else else business other than the 2 of you

Scautish · 17/10/2022 18:18

Agree with everyone - please, please don’t be so hard on yourself. You have done nothing wrong and this changes nothing about how you felt, and still feel, about your husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss - must have been unspeakably tough.

Devo1818 · 17/10/2022 18:18

Really feel for you, and your BiL too who must be feeling the same as you. Neither of you have done anything wrong but I can imagine it feels that way for both of you. Be kind to yourself and each other.

HelloIamhere999 · 17/10/2022 18:18

You are not a horrible person. Sending you lots of love & cuddles ❤

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/10/2022 18:24

Oh OP you haven’t done anything wrong, so please don’t beat yourself up. of course it’s a bit awkward, but that doesn’t make it bad or wrong.

I’d take it as a sign that you are moving onto a new stage, and now is the time to get some counselling so you can process your feelings and think about the life you want to build.

Personally I would go for a cup of tea with BIL - to a neutral place like a cafe - acknowledge that neither of you did anything wrong, and you are both still processing grief, you are friends - what happened is a part of your closeness. It might not be what either of you expected, but it isn’t wrong and neither is it a sign of romantic connection.

just treat this as a sign that you need to begin to move your life on to the next stage. If you want to make anything of it, that’s for later.

MeridianB · 17/10/2022 18:25

You’ve done nothing wrong. Be gentle with yourself and find a way to have a chat with BIL.

FiveMins · 17/10/2022 18:27

My friend married her BIL after her DH died. He was also a widow and their children went from cousins to step siblings. It actually made a lot of sense as BIL was very similar to her DH. My friend had actually suggested it whilst she was dying and made another friend promise to set them up 😁. You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

FiveMins · 17/10/2022 18:27

And the kids were delighted (all in their 20s)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2022 18:27

You are NOT a horrible person!

My heart goes out to you.

But you need to tell BIL your head is in a bit of a mess and to back off in that respect. But that he is still part of your family or your kids will wonder why he has suddenly disappeared.

I think you do need to start some counselling to be able to sort things out in your head as it is all snowballing at the moment. Hope it goes OK.

JessesMum777888 · 17/10/2022 18:28

You have absolutely done nothing wrong.
give yourself a break , you’ve been through hell xxx

slowquickstep · 17/10/2022 18:29

You haven't done anything wrong x x

tsmainsqueeze · 17/10/2022 18:29

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 18:02

Thank you so much to everyone. My stomach is in knots since it happened. I have not started bereavement counselling yet. My DC are seeing counsellors and its really helping them. I haven't been intimate with anybody else since DH died,haven't even thought about it to be honest. I haven't wanted to be intimate with anybody else but when I get into bed at night I would love a cuddle and somebody telling me everything is going to be OK. My BIL has gone through the whole thing with us. He visits at least three to four times a week and the kids love their uncle.

He sounds like a lovely man , may be in time you will each be what the other one needs.
Neither of you have done a thing wrong .

Original poster
Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 18:31

My apologies for not replying to all of you individually❤This is really helping me. I'm at my DDs training and having a little cry in the car. It's all so scarey for me. The last 14 months I have just tried to get through everyday for my DC. DH and myself were childhood sweethearts. I have no idea how to move on. I don't want a relationship at the minute with anybody. It was lovely to be be held and feel desired and wanted. I also felt that I could just relax and forget about things for a while. I will ask BIL to meet tomorrow. We need to sort things out because I don't want the kids to wonder why he is not here.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 18:31

Not got any experience of this but I don't think you've done anything wrong and you need to give yourself a break Flowers

surreygirl1987 · 17/10/2022 18:31

I saw the title of this thread and thought this would be one I'd need popcorn for. Opened the thread and read your post and how wrong was I!

Same. OP, I'm really sorry. You have done nothing wrong.