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Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
skgnome · 17/10/2022 18:33

from your title I was ready to say you’re a horrible person
and then I read… of course you’re not horrible, you lost your partner, he lost his brother, it’s still early days, grief is a weird thing, no one knows how you’ll react
you’re both single (in a way) - yes it may not be ideal, and please don’t rush into something- but don’t give yourself a bad time, it happened
talk to him, tell him you need to process.. and take the time to process

SleepingStandingUp · 17/10/2022 18:33

You've done nothing wrong. I was expecting from your intro you'd slept with your pregnant sisters husband whilst she was giving birth, not had sex as a single woman with a single man. Because that's all you did. And you're not alone in finding comfort with someone who's been thorough it all with you, who also hurts and is a good guy. See my cousin who is now married to her late husbands best friend. Nothing ever went on before hand. It was never even a thought. It just happened afterwards.

Please be kind to yourself, I can't even imagine how much pain your husband death has caused you. You don't deserve to be in more pain over this.

Whatever you decide - space, carrying on as normal, something else, is fine so long as it's not hurting you or the kids.

MrJi · 17/10/2022 18:35

Highschoolprobs · 17/10/2022 17:47

Please go easy on yourself. You haven't cheated on anyone and you haven't betrayed anyone. What would you say to a close friend who had the same experience...I bet you would tell them they hadn't done anything wrong.

It sounds like you have had a lovely relationship with BIL and that doesn't need to change. You are grown ups who have both experienced some trauma and loss. Talk to him.

I agree with this.
You have done nothing wrong at all. It isn’t a betrayal, any more than it would be if you had met a completely different man.
I remember reading of the father of the woman and child who were murdered on the Downs some years ago, his other daughter was very seriously injured. A while later he got together with his wife’s best friend. He said it was easier in many ways as they had both loved her, and both missed her. You and your BIL have both lost the same person, who you both loved . You have an understanding and shared experiences. It isn’t a terrible thing, whether this is a one off or whether you end up in a relationship.
Be kind to yourself OP. This is not a dreadful thing to have done, it is not an uncommon thing to happen at all.

LooLooLemon · 17/10/2022 18:35

You’re both unattached and found comfort in each other. I don’t think either of you did anything wrong

Fromthedarkside · 17/10/2022 18:36

OP, please stop beating yourself up over this.

That's all I'm going to say.

Irishfarmer · 17/10/2022 18:36

Not awful or horrible at all. I can't imagine losing your DH after 23 years.

Meet your BIL, clear the air but I'd carry on like it hasn't happened after that. Let him still come around a few times a week. It might be awkward at first but you will probably put it behind you and things will be as they were. Although you don't want to have a relationship, hopefully he doesn't too.

viques · 17/10/2022 18:36

He probably shares more than a few characteristics with your late husband, sounds like you had both had a bit too much to drink, were probably having a reminiscing wallow, ,both got a bit emotional and an innocent comforting adult hug (which is something you are both likely to be a bit short of ) just tipped everything over the edge.it was a bit of a perfect storm. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

I think you will both be feeling a bit flummoxed by the whole thing, but for the sake of your future friendship and family relationship I think you both need to meet , a neutral place is a good suggestion, acknowledge what happened, agree not to put yourselves in that position again and try to move on.

Musti · 17/10/2022 18:37

Hi op. It is completely understandable and it isn’t wrong. But I think it would be worth going on forums with other widows and see what their experience is.

because your BIL is such a great support and a big and constant part of your family, it would be a shame to jeopardise that.

But there is nothing wrong so don’t feel guilty or bad about it xx

yellowbananasinjuly · 17/10/2022 18:38

One step at a time, keep talking honestly. He sounds like a good friend. (I think this sounds great by the way.)

TimidOwl · 17/10/2022 18:38

You haven't done anything wrong and it's more common than you think. Be kind to yourself.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/10/2022 18:39

Don't be so hard on yourself Op, he's single and your widowed, you're not hurting anyone.

barneymcgroo · 17/10/2022 18:40

Not the same thing, but my cousin died 10 or so years ago. After, I found myself closer with friends of hers - ones I knew already, but hadn't been as close to. It was as if she'd left a huge black hole that sucked us both closer. Perhaps you and your BIL are feeling something similar?

Jalepenojello · 17/10/2022 18:40

Be kind to yourself. I think this is more common than people talk about (bonding or sexual encounters with those close to someone you both loved.) A friend had something similar with her late husbands best friend. Sorry for your loss OP.

jewishmum · 17/10/2022 18:40

As long as he's single

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/10/2022 18:41

You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

It probably wasn't a particularly healthy thing to do, definitely wouldn't be a good foundation for a relationship, and I'd get on the bereavement counselling sharpish.

But it wasn't a bad thing, there's no shame in it, you've not disrespected your husband's memory or any of the other things that are running through your head.

You needed comfort, he probably did too, and you found it. There's nothing wrong with that.

billy1966 · 17/10/2022 18:42

God help you, you are still in shock.

Of course you did nothing wrong, however you are very vulnerable and the very last thing you need in any shape or form is drama, gossip, or your childrens confusion.

You need to protect yourself and your children from any further upset and pain that would destabilise you all.

I don't think you are ready for a new relationship.
You need counselling and support.

Be very kind to yourself but please do protect yourself, however much you like him.

Kissingfrogs25 · 17/10/2022 18:43

I think he has crossed a boundary - not you - but I am uncomfortable that he thought it was okay to ‘be there’ for you and to take advantage, which is why it might feel weird. Taking comfort is one thing when it’s just affection, and I am in the minority on this thread, but I would be most definitely uncomfortable with this scenario in my own family. It looks like he is slowly moving into your life by coming so often, getting close to the children, do you want a relationship with him?

I guess I am worried he has chosen his moment carefully after you having a lot to drink, would you have done this in the cold light of day? Do you find him attractive? It would throw up a lot of questions for me. You are grieving and vulnerable atm.

In your position I would take a big step back for now, and get support elsewhere and start your counselling as soon as possible.

Whaet · 17/10/2022 18:46

Sending you a huge hug - you've done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever. Process what you need to process and be very kind to yourself, whatever happens, it'll all be okay.

LouLou198 · 17/10/2022 18:47

Sounds like you have had such a hard time, so sorry for your loss. Neither of you have done anything wrong, sounds like you both needed each other at that moment. Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 17/10/2022 18:47

He's lost his brother.
She's grieving but he's predatory?

JenniferBarkley · 17/10/2022 18:47

Darling you've done nothing wrong.

I actually know a woman who married her late husband's identical twin. Makes sense when you think of it, they'll have been raised with the same values etc.

Take your time to decide what this is. There is no wrong answer

Andypandy799 · 17/10/2022 18:48

@Lyndsb you have nothing to feel guilty about. I’m sure that your bil feels the same as you but hey I bet in the moment it felt right.

Whatever happens just remember that your DH would not want you to be alone or sad.

When my dad passed he was saying every day to my mam that he wanted her to be happy and not on her own. It took 7 years but now she has a SO and I know my dad will be up there smiling that she has found happiness again.

ParentallyUnprepared · 17/10/2022 18:48

Another one just coming on to say you've done nothing wrong.

Nottogetapenny · 17/10/2022 18:48

Please don’t think you are horrible, you are not and neither is your brother in law. You found comfort in each other. Go back to the way you were for your children’s sake.
He sounds caring and kind. Don’t over think and be kind to yourself. I’m so sorry for the list if your dear husband.

chaosmaker · 17/10/2022 18:51

You have done nothing wrong except respond to a close friend being there for you and you being there for him. It is a really good idea to meet and talk it through. It sounds like your BIL is a lovely person and that you have been each others' comfort. Please don't be too hard on yourselves. Grief is devastating and takes time to work out. Sending you all love.