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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
Billyjean1 · 18/10/2022 15:13

What a beautiful update.

Kissingfrogs25 · 18/10/2022 15:14

Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 11:49

Ok so I met BIL. He rang me just after the school run to see if we could meet earlier as he was a bag of nerves. My heart broke when I saw him. I could tell he was struggling so much. We got a coffee and went for a walk. He kept apologising and saying he has fucked things up and if he lost me and the kids he would be devastated. I told him he has nothing to apologise for and me and the kids are going nowhere. I assured him I was fully compliant and wanted to have sex with him. I told him I enjoyed it and it made feel loved,wanted and comforted which it did. I explained that we did nothing wrong we haven't cheated on anybody and after the year we have had it was a natural response to want to comfort each other. We have focused on the kids since DH died(rightly so) and this was the first time we were alone and could let our hair down. It was a release for both of us. I gently told him that I'm not looking for a relationship with anybody right now and I would never bring another man into the children's home while they still lived here and were children. My priority has and always will be the kids. After 23 years of being with somebody it's just not something I need right now. He listened and understood. I've told him that I don't want him to miss out on meeting somebody because of me. I gave him my full blessing to meet somebody but he said he's not interested. He said he can only think about protecting me and the kids and making sure that we feel loved and supported. He asked where things stood now. I said we go back to the way we were, you can visit anytime same as always, we can still have movie nights and karaoke nights (don't ask lol) with the kids. He was so relieved and I could see the tears in his eyes and jaw clenching so I took his hand and gave it squeeze and said we are all in this together and that he couldn't get rid of us that easy. He said thank you ,I love you. I told him I love him too and we will get through this and there are better days ahead for all of us together. I could see him physically relaxing and we continued to walk. We had a few little jokes together as we usually do and it felt good. He is coming over for dinner tonight with myself and the kids. He said will I bring the prosecco and started laughing,this is what we were drinking on Saturday when we slept together. I laughed too and said not night but definately save it for another time. He looked at me and said " I will keep it on ice".

Serious lump in my throat op. Wishing you the very best however this ends, you have been very brave. Flowers

MightyOaks · 18/10/2022 15:47

You haven't done anything wrong OP. Nothing.

However, as soon as I saw that BIL has been coming round 3/4 times per week, I have to admit I am questioning what his motives were. To be blunt, it sounds almost as though he's been sniffing around with intentions all along. Hopefully I'm wrong though

Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 15:51

MightyOaks · 18/10/2022 15:47

You haven't done anything wrong OP. Nothing.

However, as soon as I saw that BIL has been coming round 3/4 times per week, I have to admit I am questioning what his motives were. To be blunt, it sounds almost as though he's been sniffing around with intentions all along. Hopefully I'm wrong though

I can understand why you would think that. Its probably not conventional for most people. He has always visited a lot even before DH passed away so it wasn't just he suddenly started visiting us. He is separated 6 years and has no children of his own. DH and his brother were always extremely close,only 13 months between them. We have always had a great friendship prior to my DH passing away.

OP posts:
MightyOaks · 18/10/2022 15:56

@Lyndsb Ahh I see. Well it sounds likes a pivotal part of yours & your kids' lives then Flowers

MightyOaks · 18/10/2022 15:57

I missed a 'he' out of that post, sorry!

notbloodylikely · 18/10/2022 18:49

Thank you @Lyndsb, you too, I can’t imagine how hard the last year or so has been for you and your DC after losing your DH like that, but the knowledge that someone has your back again and has your happiness in mind is so important and reassuring.

I’ve tried to do this as a reply to you but think I may have failed…

feelingfree17 · 18/10/2022 19:22

Oh my goodness. Thank you for your update. That is beautiful.

Threelittlelambs · 18/10/2022 19:32

That’s lovely and so much better than the perceived conversation you thought you were going to have.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2022 19:58

My father married his brothers ex-wife a few years after my mum died - that must be 12 years ago - I’m sure they are both happier for it.
Gosh @larkstar , how did the brother take it?

ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 20:18

Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 11:49

Ok so I met BIL. He rang me just after the school run to see if we could meet earlier as he was a bag of nerves. My heart broke when I saw him. I could tell he was struggling so much. We got a coffee and went for a walk. He kept apologising and saying he has fucked things up and if he lost me and the kids he would be devastated. I told him he has nothing to apologise for and me and the kids are going nowhere. I assured him I was fully compliant and wanted to have sex with him. I told him I enjoyed it and it made feel loved,wanted and comforted which it did. I explained that we did nothing wrong we haven't cheated on anybody and after the year we have had it was a natural response to want to comfort each other. We have focused on the kids since DH died(rightly so) and this was the first time we were alone and could let our hair down. It was a release for both of us. I gently told him that I'm not looking for a relationship with anybody right now and I would never bring another man into the children's home while they still lived here and were children. My priority has and always will be the kids. After 23 years of being with somebody it's just not something I need right now. He listened and understood. I've told him that I don't want him to miss out on meeting somebody because of me. I gave him my full blessing to meet somebody but he said he's not interested. He said he can only think about protecting me and the kids and making sure that we feel loved and supported. He asked where things stood now. I said we go back to the way we were, you can visit anytime same as always, we can still have movie nights and karaoke nights (don't ask lol) with the kids. He was so relieved and I could see the tears in his eyes and jaw clenching so I took his hand and gave it squeeze and said we are all in this together and that he couldn't get rid of us that easy. He said thank you ,I love you. I told him I love him too and we will get through this and there are better days ahead for all of us together. I could see him physically relaxing and we continued to walk. We had a few little jokes together as we usually do and it felt good. He is coming over for dinner tonight with myself and the kids. He said will I bring the prosecco and started laughing,this is what we were drinking on Saturday when we slept together. I laughed too and said not night but definately save it for another time. He looked at me and said " I will keep it on ice".

Wow. It’s like something from a movie or book. What an amazing update!

Pumpkinspicey · 18/10/2022 20:33

He's the closest thing you have to your husband. This is totally understandable. Sending love x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2022 20:39

Oh what an update. I'm in tears now!!!

Good for you. And for him.

FairyLightAddict · 18/10/2022 20:51

Sending love ❤️

Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 21:37

No prosecco but a lovely bunch of flowers. 💐 We had a lovely dinner with the kids.

Slept with BIL
OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 18/10/2022 21:47

What a story!! Glad you've "made up" so to speak.

I lost my dad when I was a child and my mum never even came close to meeting anyone else.

Whatever this turns out to be, please enjoy it, you deserve to know happiness. Of course your children come first - always. However, there comes a day when children grow up and move out and then it's you and your life. Please don't deny yourself happiness (now or in the future) because of the children because all your children will want is to know their mum is happy, especially as adults themselves.
I've always been a little sad that my mum never met anyone else, or should I say never allowed herself to. She spent my childhood raising us then by the time we grew up she was then taking care of both hers and my dads parents. Then as they started to pass away she had her dad living with her and the difficulties that come with living with an adult with dementia. Then, when there was no one left needing looking after, my mum was sadly taken from us suddenly and unexpectedly and I still feel, 9 years later, that she just never had time for her and her happiness.

cosmicbabe · 18/10/2022 21:50

🧡🧡

TheVanguardSix · 18/10/2022 22:27

Goodness me, I’m all tears reading your beautiful, beautiful update. You all sound like such an incredibly warm, loving, and caring bunch! It’s a great, great gift to understand and love each other so much. Here’s to therapy, karaoke, and Prosecco on ice. ❤️😊

Blossomtoes · 18/10/2022 23:22

I’ve got something in my eye. You and he are both very lucky people. You deserve all the happiness life can throw at you.

larkstar · 20/10/2022 12:15

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2022 19:58

My father married his brothers ex-wife a few years after my mum died - that must be 12 years ago - I’m sure they are both happier for it.
Gosh @larkstar , how did the brother take it?

I haven't seen or been in contact with either my uncle or my father since my mother died - but as I understand it my uncles separation and divorce was very acrimonious - I very much doubt he has any positive feelings about her. As for my father and his brother - I've never really understood them - there was abrasive banter between the two of them for years but we used to holiday with them and see them a lot when we were younger - there was always bawdy drunk parties and even I as a teenager noticed flirtation between my father and his brothers wife at the time. So I don't know - I'd guess my uncle will say my father is welcome to her. I wasn't that surprised to hear they got together - I couldn't care less what he, she or they do - none of us has any contact with him now anyway but they've stayed together and if FB is anything to go by (according to people who can see their FB pages) they are good together.

larkstar · 20/10/2022 12:37

@Lyndsb "I gently told him that I'm not looking for a relationship with anybody right now and I would never bring another man into the children's home while they still lived here and were children."

Well - I'm struck by the feeling that you are trying to impose some order or rules the situation, possibly because you feel out of your depth and want to try to keep some control of it - worried about your heart ruling your head - it's sensible to exercise a bit of restraint and to take your time over things but you can just relax and let things develop naturally without making your mind up too much about how it should play out. Given the ages of your children I can understand this is very impressionable time for them - I think it will be important to stay as tuned in to them as possible - their thoughts and feelings about their uncle being around - how much do you think they are aware of or is this something you have already talked to them about (I suspect not given this is a recent turn of events) - have they asked any questions about your relationship or your feelings about each other? If they see the two of you relaxed and happy around one another that's surely got to oil the tracks if your lives are to start to merge in a very obvious way.
All the best for the future.

Nottogetapenny · 20/10/2022 16:25

I’m so pleased for you, you sound so lovely, I’m so glad things have gone back to normal for you all. And maybe in the future things will turn out even better. 🌸😘

chopc · 20/10/2022 19:40

I don't think you have done anything wrong

But having sex with someone is a huge deal . The intimacy of it all especially given how emotionally charged it would have been

You are not living in the real world if you think you can carry on as normal

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 20/10/2022 21:14

Helpful

LouLou198 · 27/10/2022 21:18

What a lovely update op. You both sound like such kind thoughtful people. Best of luck for the future Flowers