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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
Billyjean1 · 17/10/2022 19:14

You have done nothing wrong OP. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

quietnightmare · 17/10/2022 19:15

Christ I was expecting you to say you have slept with BIL and cheated. You are both emotional and both needed eachother. To be honest he's probably the closest person who can understand what you are going through and it actually makes sense why it happened. Yes your husband is the love of your life and what has happened doesn't take anything away from that. I wouldn't even call it a mistake. It's two people who loved someone very mush who are both hurting and spent the night consoling eachother and it led to something more. There is no need to beat yourself up. I'm so sorry for your loss you have been punished enough m. Do not let this destroy you. When you can speak to BIL HE is probably feeling the same

onlythreenow · 17/10/2022 19:22

I'm sorry for your loss OP. You need to be gentle on yourself, you haven't done anything wrong at all.

vitahelp · 17/10/2022 19:25

I’m so sorry for your loss. Neither of you have done anything wrong, you are both grieving and found comfort in each other. Please don’t be hard on yourself over this.

Gemstar2 · 17/10/2022 19:28

So sorry for your loss, OP. I echo that you’ve done nothing wrong - you found comfort in the only person with any chance of understanding what you’re going through, and so did he. Please be kind to yourself. FWIW I also know someone who married their BIL once widowed, it makes a lot of sense. I agree it’s probably best to clear the air so you can both stop agonising, and then forgive yourselves. Sending hugs

OhMalakas · 17/10/2022 19:28

Your husband died over a year ago and you bil is single. You're not a horrible person and you've done nothing wrong. If I were you I'd speak to bil instead of letting it come between you. I'm sorry for your loss💐

ClocksGoingBackwards · 17/10/2022 19:34

You’d probably be amazed at how common similar stories are.

You have done nothing wrong.

RedHelenB · 17/10/2022 19:37

Is your BIL single? If do yabu to think you better done anything wrong but if he's married you should be feeling guilty.

Dibbydoos · 17/10/2022 19:38

I'm so sorry OP. It's nearly 6 years since I lost my DH and I'm still lost.

You and BIL did nothing wrong, yes it might be awkward but BIL clearly cares for you.

Talk to him, you might find you are good for each other, but then you might also decide that you stay friends.

Take care and be kind to yourself. X

ZooMount · 17/10/2022 19:39

RedHelenB · 17/10/2022 19:37

Is your BIL single? If do yabu to think you better done anything wrong but if he's married you should be feeling guilty.

Jesus did you even read the OP or just got as far as the title and thought you'd put this totally unhelpful comment? Biscuit

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 17/10/2022 19:39

This defo happens often. My great grandmother always had my "uncle" round as a companion, they'd been inseparable since my great grandad died, and they were together since before I was born.

They were honestly such a great source of joy to each other and it was hard for them to deny their feelings.

Feel no shame. No guilt.

Be kind to yourselves and to each other.

RedHelenB · 17/10/2022 19:40

RedHelenB · 17/10/2022 19:37

Is your BIL single? If do yabu to think you better done anything wrong but if he's married you should be feeling guilty.

Sorry I see he is single. No guilt needed then. I would talk to him though to clear the air otherwise you'll likely lose the link with your dh out of embarrassment.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 17/10/2022 19:40

Just take your time, there's no hurry to actually do anything. I agree with everyone else, you've done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself and take things slowly. Flowers

Blossomtoes · 17/10/2022 19:40

You’ve done nothing wrong. You haven’t hurt anyone. It’s OK.

clarepetal · 17/10/2022 19:44

I don't think you have done anything wrong. Even if you don't want to take this further you are not bad. X

SmugglersHaunt · 17/10/2022 19:45

You’ve really not done anything wrong. Be kind to yourself - you need it right now

StaunchMomma · 17/10/2022 19:45

You're not a horrible person at all.

There's no betrayal to feel bad about.

It makes sense that being with him would remind you of DH, who you must miss so much.

BlodynGwyn · 17/10/2022 19:48

I think it's rather nice actually.

Mumtofourandnomore · 17/10/2022 19:49

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all. And if you have feelings for BIL, it doesn’t lessen the feelings you had for DH. As the old proverb says, lighting a second candle doesn’t make the first shine any less brightly, be kind to yourself.

shiningstar2 · 17/10/2022 19:50

I am so sorry for your loss op ...and for your dbil's. You are both suffering a terrible mutual loss and it sounds like he has stepped up to be a good uncle to your DC is. That is not to say a relationship with him will ultimately seem a good idea. It might . But it would have massive complications all round. Maybe put it down to one off mutual comfort and understanding?. In any event .. one piece of advice ...be careful who you confide it until you know what you are thinking. Definitely not your DHS family or your children. Maybe someone who is only your friend and not the others on or even just on here. please ask him not to share this with others in the family at this stage as well. Best wishes. 💐

RunningChaos · 17/10/2022 19:51

It's very common, particularly in years gone by, and please be kind to yourself. My MIL was bought up by her uncle, after her father suddenly past when she was very small. Her uncle and her mother went on to have 2 children and he stepped into his brothers shoes. It's all DH ever knew and refers to him as grandad. Not unusual and please be kind

jays · 17/10/2022 19:59

Oh bless you, and big hugs to you and I’m so sorry for your loss. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re beating yourself up with guilt out of your loyalty to your DH and you really have already been through enough. Please be kind to yourself.

Carpedimum · 17/10/2022 20:00

Do not beat yourself up about this @Lyndsb I shan’t repeat the wise words already contributed, but I will add that, quite weirdly, grief can make people inexplicably horny because the brain is desperate for endorphins to counter the emotional pain. Many, many people end up in similar situations when in grief or acute stress etc. because they’re not fully in control of their urge to self medicate with the endorphin rush of desire, passion & orgasm.

Lindengericht · 17/10/2022 20:02

I hope that it goes well tomorrow with BIL. I don't think you have done anything wrong although I can see how it is daunting territory and upsetting.

CloseToHeaven · 17/10/2022 20:10

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 19:10

Sex was definately consensual,we had a few drinks but were not drunk. He has text me and just keeps apologising. He doesn't want to lose me or the kids. He has said whatever I want he will do and that he loves me and the kids more than anything and wants to protect us all. I dont want a relationship,it's too soon. I did enjoy our night together and in the future I could see it happening again. I need to be honest with him about this. I don't want to stop him from meeting somebody else.

Beford it happens again, I would think very carefully about how this would impact your children if they found out or if either of you developed feelings and wanted to pursue a relationship. It could be upsetting and confusing for them.