Slept with BIL

[Lyndsb]

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

It might be helpful to think about why you feel like this. Is it because you slept with someone who isn't your DH, or specifically because it was your BiL? Not that there's anything wrong with either, but it's obviously a confusing time for both of you.

I wouldn't be surprised to hear that your BiL has had feelings for you for some time, but that needn't influence how you take things forward if you don't want it to.

For the moment the most important thing for your own well-being is not to beat yourself up about what's happened.

Neither of you have done anything wrong. You are both close links for each other to a dearly loved and missed husband/brother. If you think of it in that context this makes perfect sense. I can see how this would be upsetting for the both of you too.

I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourselves. I can imagine the grief is still very raw for you both ❤️

❤️

I am not remotely surprised...

You both want comfort, closeness, intimacy even, you know one another very well, you both understand what the other is going through - it makes absolute sense.

And at the same time it's likely to be very awkward and probably piss off and upset some people because these things inevitably do.

Talk to him, don't avoid him and don't shut down and turn any feelings inwards, that won't help.

You haven't done anything wrong although I know it doesn't feel like that.

Bless your heart. You've done nothing wrong, neither of you have. Youre feeling emotional because you probably feel like you've cheated on your DH or your memories of him, you haven't.

Speak to you BIL and decided where you go from here. You deserve to have some fun after such a tough time, it just so happened that it was someone you care for, you both care for each other so there's no harm done. Better that way than just a randomer.

Good luck, be kind to yourself xx

Same here. I opened the thread expecting you to be married, a couple of DC, and you slept with your BIL.

I'm kind of relieved.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. Do what ever makes YOU happy.

Do you think he is harboring feelings for you or you for him?

Or was this more about comfort and a connection that stems from both of you loving your DH?

I think this used to be customary especially after the second world war. Don’t beat yourself up as you haven’t done anything wrong. I wish you well OP and sorry about your husband.

He is probably feeling as confused and guilty as you. Chat to him and move on, whichever way it takes you.

I know a couple of people who have done this exact same thing.

Grief is a crazy thing, it's very hard to understand. And yet it's perfectly understandable that you would want to be around and seek comfort from one of the few people in the world who can come close to understanding how you are feeling.

Please go easy on yourself x

I think your response, that you’re not ready for a relationship but perhaps could be in the future is perfect for now. If he wants to wait he will, if not he’s got your blessing to meet someone else. See how things go, it’s perfectly natural that grief has meant you’ve sought comfort in each other. Let things settle down. See how you both feel in a few months. Most important thing is the kids continue with his support as it sounds like he’s close to them and wants to support you all

I actually felt sick reading your post, not because of what you did but because of the memories it stirred up in me from my childhood. My mum died when I was 12 and dad slept with someone close to her, close to us all. I was devastated and tormented so bad over it. It was a terrible time for myself and my brother's, we hated dad for doing what he did at the time.

Of course now as adults ourselves we understand the pain he must have been in and deserved some happiness. When I think back we treated him so badly over it but we were just kids devastated that our mum was gone. Dad ended up never actually meeting anyone again apart from I'm sure a few one night stands in his younger days. Although I'm sad for him that he never loved again, I am still glad he didn't start a relationship with the woman in question and I still actually hate her.

Sorry for the rant, I had just forgotten how bad it had affected me and maybe it gives an idea of your kids point of view if they ever found out.

Also condolences on the loss of your husband x

I'm very sorry to hear about your DH. It's devastating. Xx

Please stop beating yourself up.

it's not at all unusual to want closeness & intimacy when it's been so cruelly ripped away from you.

It sounds like you & BIL will be ok. Just be honest with yourselves & each other as you go. There's no need to think ahead, one day at a time. Just put your 'family relationship/friendship' first so you don't spoil that for yourselves or your children.

I know it feels wrong/a betrayal of your DH, but whilst no one can ever replace him, you're 'allowed' to have love & relationships with other people.

I agree with all the other people in thst yiu have not done anything wrong. Finding comfort with someone else does not diminish what you had with your husband. Be kind to yourself.

Neither of you have done anything wrong.

You both needed comfort and intimacy and you are each other’s safest option at the moment. Both on the same page, both grieving, both heartbroken.
Neither if you have betrayed anyone.
Talk to him, tell him how sad and confused you are.

There is an official term for it: levirate

Youve done nothing wrong. I expect you really got a lot of comfort from each other. Please be kind to yourself. You havent betrayed anybody.

I don’t think that word fits at all.
Nobody is being forced to do anything.

Adding to the above, you've done nothing wrong.

But do talk to him and clear the air. You're both grieving someone you loved very much, and there is no rule book here. Be kind to yourself.

Don't crucify yourself. Your emotions are muddled so relax, and talk things through after some time.

From one recent widow to another, you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about but I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I hope tomorrow's talk helps to clear the air between you.

I think you just need to meet and as much as possible be normal completely utterly you two again.I mean by that is take all guilt shame and awkwardness out of the picture.there is no need for any of that and it will only weigh on you both.by going to a meet stripped of all that it opens thing up instantly to a calmer start of discussing this.
let your brother in law Frank be open and honest.I’d tell him what you have us.
you bil needs you and you him.that’s the baseline and a brilliant one.it means you have to both do all u can to get things back on track.but you both need to feel the same and be able to tell eacother what that is.
nothing idealy need to change anything.
don’t see it as a sexual relationship thing,but more of a comforting thing.something you both needed for obvious reasons.

Don't feel bad or guilty. You've had a lot of good advice on this thread. Good luck with the chat.

Just wanted to add that my grandad got together with his sister in law (my great aunt) after the death of their spouses and it was a lovely marriage. Best thing that they could have done. I don't know what is right for you, but don't be hard on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with this at all. If you want to start a new relationship with BIL, that's completely fine. If you want it to be a one-off, that is also fine. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship.