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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
MultiTulip · 17/10/2022 18:51

It’s very very common to get intimate with friends/relations of your late partner. And it’s totally normal to feel guilty the first time you have sex with someone else. You are both single and have done nothing wrong. Are you a member of Widowed and Young? It might help you to talk to people who’ve been there.

TheGander · 17/10/2022 18:53

What’s the issue here- he’s not married or even in a relationship, you’ve had a horrible time and needed some intimacy. If it helps, Jackie Kennedy slept with Bobby after JFKs assassination. And he was very much married. So you’re in good company 😉.

PassThePringles · 17/10/2022 18:54

❤️ Just had to say how refreshing it is to see all this support for you! Take care of yourself and I think you should speak to your BIL properly, it's natural what happened and you both needed the comfort from a shared grief. It doesn't make either of you love your dh/his db any less or anything at all like that. Please look after yourself and don't beat yourself up about it ❤️

MarvelMrs · 17/10/2022 18:55

No advice here except the same as others. You did nothing wrong; neither of you did. You need to be kind and gentle with yourself.
Long term he might not be the best person
for a relationship given the ages of your children. But that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong this weekend. And you mustn’t be hard on yourself.

Apollonia1 · 17/10/2022 18:55

Don't be hard on yourself. I think this is very common in this situation.

You know him 23 years - just talk to him. Either agree that it won't happen again or even discuss if you'd both like a relationship (but think of the ramifications if you later split up).

I remember years ago, Gloria Hunniford's daughter died. Within 2 years, her daughter's husband had married the daughter's best friend (with Gloria's blessing).

cosmicbabe · 17/10/2022 18:56

You never know this could be the start of a lovely relationship for you both. I wish you luck 🧡

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 17/10/2022 18:58

cosmicbabe · 17/10/2022 18:56

You never know this could be the start of a lovely relationship for you both. I wish you luck 🧡

So do I.
Absolutely nothing wrong at all, how lovely to have had a few hours of comfort and closeness.

Georgeskitchen · 17/10/2022 18:59

Neither of you have done wrong but you need to have a long talk with him about where, if anywhere, this is going x
Just be kind to yourself xx

martinisforeveryone · 17/10/2022 18:59

LooLooLemon · 17/10/2022 18:35

You’re both unattached and found comfort in each other. I don’t think either of you did anything wrong

Before I read through I jumped to the conclusion that both or one of you are currently with a partner and when I read about probably deserving everything you get, it seems clear that your mindset is that you're still attached.

Please my love, be clear that neither of you have cheated or betrayed anyone. You're obviously in a vulnerable state of mind, but so long as it was consensual and you don't feel that you were taken advantage of and it doesn't sound like you do, then I agree it was more about finding comfort in each other.

I think you should talk face to face, break that ice and be honest with each other. It's a confusing time and it will definitely help to address it and move on.

3littleloves · 17/10/2022 18:59

You are absolutely not a horrible person and should try to be kind to yourself about this. I agree with what previous posters have said, he is the nearest thing to your husband and probably one of the reasons that led you to be with him. This is definitely much more common than you think.

I hope you are ok Op but please be easy on your BIL aswell. 💗

BMW6 · 17/10/2022 18:59

Aw OP please please be assured that neither of you have done anything wrong AT ALL.

You are both grieving the loss of a person you both loved, and each of you is the closest you can get to the deceased. It is completely natural that you seek comfort and physical closeness in each other.

You may end up as a couple in your right - only time will tell. Be upfront with each other, he is not a replacement (no-one ever will be) or a copy. He is his own self.

Talk to him, take all the time you both need, but please don't think you've done anything wrong.

Flowers
maddiemookins16mum · 17/10/2022 19:00

You’ve found comfort in each other. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2022 19:00

Please be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You had a moment of connection with a single man, brother of your beloved husband and a man, who is showing you so much love and care. You both will decide in time if this is something more than a moment of one night of shared grief. Our loved ones want us to be happy when they die and that includes finding love again.

dawngreen · 17/10/2022 19:02

Your husband would find some comfort knowing you both could find a bit of comfort for a few hours. He loves you both, and he would not want you to be alone in grief for the rest of your life.

QueSyrahSyrah · 17/10/2022 19:03

Neither of you have done a thing wrong at all.

Two people grieving and finding a moment of comfort with each other is not wrong, in fact I'd guess it happens quite a lot.

Maybe take a few days to see how you feel, and then speak to him. Agree with others, if you have developed feelings for each other it could turn into something lovely so long as you both tread very carefully along the way.

Best of luck OP, and don't for a second be hard on yourself or feel guilty.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/10/2022 19:04

Two single grieving adults found some comfort together. That’s wholly understandable
i must echo other supportive comments, you’ve done nothing wrong
Be kind to your self don’t ruminate on what ifs or woulda, shoulda

Ginger1982 · 17/10/2022 19:05

Of course you've done nothing wrong. You've said you don't want a relationship so I think you need to decide if you want things to go back to how they were before or whether you would like to have sex with him again.

Campervangirl · 17/10/2022 19:07

Ahh bless you ❤️
Give yourself a break, two heartbroken people finding a moment's comfort with each other.
Doesn't mean you love your DH any less or you mourn him any less.
Seriously, I should image it happens more than we think or know because guilt (misplaced) and shame (again misplaced) stops people talking about it.
Please don't beat yourself up, don't regret (totally wasted emotion) it.
Move past it, you've done nothing wrong ❤️

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/10/2022 19:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

HairyHandedSonOfTroll · 17/10/2022 19:07

Oh goodness, OP. This was not the thread I thought it was going to be. You have done nothing at all to feel bad about. Grief affects people in all kinds of ways, and you are both grieving. But by sleeping with one another, you've not hurt anyone else. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Flowers

Original poster
Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 19:10

Sex was definately consensual,we had a few drinks but were not drunk. He has text me and just keeps apologising. He doesn't want to lose me or the kids. He has said whatever I want he will do and that he loves me and the kids more than anything and wants to protect us all. I dont want a relationship,it's too soon. I did enjoy our night together and in the future I could see it happening again. I need to be honest with him about this. I don't want to stop him from meeting somebody else.

OP posts:
Kevinbaconsrealwife · 17/10/2022 19:11

Oh sweetheart, neither of you have done anything wrong, bless you both…x

mam0918 · 17/10/2022 19:11

I like my BIL ok but hes 100% not my type so I cant imagine ending up doing that but historically its really not unusual.

When I did my family tree this occured often, a woman would become widowed then instantly marry her BIL, it was a way of 'keeping things in the family'... I even had some historic relatives who where both half siblings and also cousins bacause of it.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 19:12

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 19:10

Sex was definately consensual,we had a few drinks but were not drunk. He has text me and just keeps apologising. He doesn't want to lose me or the kids. He has said whatever I want he will do and that he loves me and the kids more than anything and wants to protect us all. I dont want a relationship,it's too soon. I did enjoy our night together and in the future I could see it happening again. I need to be honest with him about this. I don't want to stop him from meeting somebody else.

I think that's probably a better response than he's expecting, to be honest. I can't imagine he'd be upset by that.

Lwren · 17/10/2022 19:14

💐💐💐💐💐💐❤❤❤❤❤

Youve done nothing wrong.
Grief is a cruel bastard and for a few hours you & bil had comfort.

Don't put any pressure on yourself, but talk to him when you're ready.

It may be you become stronger friends, it may be in time you consider him romantically.

But you've done nothing wrong and I want you to please be kind to yourself and remember that you're not any of the names you're calling yourself, you're a lovely person who needed comfort.

Hugs xoxo