Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

That sounds brilliant OP. Focus on how this is making you feel or not feel in this case. Accepting that your husband does love you and uses work to demonstrate that love is a good first step. But equally saying you don’t feel that love is fine too because it means that the love your husband is trying to demonstrate is not getting through in a way that you need it too. That blockage between his way of demonstrating his love and how you need to have your love demonstrated to you is where you can make ground here. Changing both of your expectations and ways of communicating you by expressing your needs and him by being able to hear your concerns is the key blockage.

You are absolutely right that there are serious issues and that the issues are harming what has the potential to be a really fantastic family set up for your whole family. You will all have to make changes to reach that goal though not just your husband.

It’s very obvious to me it’s concern for herself, she’s not only not bothere to ask his opinion but she’s even threatened him and made it all about her. I genuinely can’t correlate her actual words to him and the link to it being all about her love for him.

I think if you have a large mortgage and your children are teens why are you not working to support him so he does not need to work so hard? Being a SAHM seems a luxury if your children are almost grown and your husband already working all hours. Is he maybe asking you to step up and earn now? What pension do you have in your own name?

READ! The OP has two jobs. She is working.

I hope you're able to reconnect on your holiday.

I'm going to assume her husband has a voice and opinion if his own, as most do. When you say she "let this happen" I wonder what you think the alternative was. It sounds like he wasn't forced to do the work he did. Remember we don't actually know these people, what conversations they had, who wanted what. So might as well try to be kind.

Have you/he considered how much of the work stress he is under is due more to the organisation he works for rather than himself or the seniority of his role? I've worked for a number of different orgs over the years and stress/lack of it/work-life balance has got everything to do with corporate culture. My current and previous employer were both great in this regard and I saw that reflected not just in those level with or below me but also in those much more senior. Maybe he should think about taking his skills to a better employer.

Well said.

He has taken a job that is too much for him and has backed himself into a corner.

He's asking for a health crisis which will make his dream house a moot point.

I hope the holiday will help the OP get through to him.

But if he refuses to hear the OP and consider substantially reducing their debt, then he cannot be surprised if she becomes increasingly unhappy.

A dead husband and father is not worth a dream house in any shape or form.

If the house is in the middle of nowhere, relocating for your children is a very reasonable decision.

THE OP HAS TWO JOBS!!!!!!

Sorry for shouting but it’s for the rude people who can’t be arsed to read all the OPs posts but still think their opinion is in anyway valid.

Yes I agree with you OP. You really did hurt his feelings.
No wonder he put his head in his hands and said “I don’t know what to say”

Sad that you mis-communicated your genuine and what sounds like tender concern for him because now, before you can even begin to have the proper discussion about his work/life balance, you have to convince him that you really do value and appreciate his efforts to provide for the family over the last decade or so.
Not an easy task.

Somebody said to book a weekend away where you can start to address your concerns. I’d suggest two weekends away, the first being to make amends and build him back up a bit.
Good luck…I’m sure you can get to a better place for all your sakes.

Presumably you are either extremely specialist so can demand a high salary without huge stress levels (so, by definition, not many people can get into these roles?) or you also work long hours, just like the OP's husband - which will then just lead to two knackered parents. Either way, your example seems pretty unrealistic for most people.

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time. Her husband has got trapped on the more work > more money > more stuff = "value" in the eyes of society treadmill. Her also doing more work makes it worse. Downsizing frees up options to rebalance.

I'm thinking about this again. I think we've gone from, he seems very stressed and doesn't have much time to,sell the house, he retrains, you work more hours. And by the way, we're assuming you're rich and rich people are supposed to feel grateful.

I wonder what he wants. I wonder if a life or career coach could help him to decide for himself and give him someone independent to talk to about it.

I'm sorry for the angry responses you're receiving. No one should be angry at you for asking for advice to improve your life and your husband's. There is nothing entitled about wanting more time with your husband even if it wasn't expressed in the ideal way. These things are just difficult sometimes. When I told my husband I was sad because I hadn't settled well into our big new house that he loves, I now understand why he seemed upset. But we all have different values, hopes and dreams. And talking about it helps.

you let this happen because it suited you
now hes ill because of the pressure you feel annoyed and want him to lose his work identity and the status you encouraged him to have
how about you increase your pay
how about you try and work harder to love and care for him and show him how much everyone values and loves him and how much you appreciate all he has done rather than approach him with the negatives
poor man

Kinell. Leave it to Mumsnet to blame the woman for absolutely everything.

The way men are sometimes infantilized on this site you'd think they had no individual autonomy or decision-making capacity whatsoever. It's the woman who 'let it happen' when 'it' happens to be a marital decision taken between both parties. It's the woman who should increase her pay, when she has raised the family and already has two jobs. It's the woman who should 'work harder to love him' (oh please! shouldn't marriage be based on mutual affection?) the woman's responsibility to 'care for him' (men are adults, they are as capable as women are of caring for themselves' and it's the woman who should be appropriately grateful, rather than express the remotest concern for the situation they've wound up in, or attempt to consider solutions to that problem.

Always the bloody woman's fault. There are some really skewed views as to relationship dynamics on this site.

@Goosygandy

Lots of people on this thread don’t understand high earners. You don’t fall into a high earning job, you bust a gut throughout your career to get there. It’s not as easy as “there’s more to life, just downsize and get a less ambitious job” when that career has been a huge part of your life to date. I assume his job actually brings him a lot of satisfaction alongside the stress.

There are many ways for OP to have a constructive conversation with her husband. Loading more pressure on someone who is already overloaded is literally the worst thing you can do. You need to consider ways to relieve that pressure without the answer being “DH you’re failing our family so you need to downgrade your role”. My guess is that OP’s DH is in the £150-200k+ bracket and that she’s bringing in £15-20k. Therefore one option is for OP to step up. One option is for DH to step down. Or a combination of the two. Either way, OP needs to think about what she can do to help rather than whinge.

No, you haven’t read the thread or the OP, obviously.

I'd apologise to him as you didn't mean it like that.

Talk to him about things. Tell him that you really would like to sell the house.
Would it be less expensive to buy a smaller house closer to the DC school? They might like being able to see their friends more too.

The status of having the dream home isn't really worth it if he is so stressed and overwhelmed all the time.

@ThisIsNotAFlyingToy I'm a specialist whose skills are in demand. I did say that in a previous post.

Id never say to leave him !

but this corporate slave shit is horrific

he hates work
he’s bought into an idea he’s only worth something if he works and has a big house

ideally he needs therapy but that’s a tough sell for most men

but can you gently encourage him to exercise for his own mental health and stress

can you gently steer him that this job isn’t the b all and end all

he needs to find his way and get himself back and he’s very trapped

too late for you OP, but this is why i am so against families who have a SAHP and a "breadwinner" for more than the very shortest amount of time.

I think you need to focus on your husband and what he wants/needs and not setting silly "does he love me" tests. Great that you anticipate his needs - unsurprising that he doesn't anticipate yours since he's a) on his knees and b) you don't seem the kind of couple who talk about these things.

When you're both in a better headspace you need to discuss moving somewhere where the DCs can get to and from school easier (childminder?) and you can work more and your DH work less. Good luck

Also he might be more open to a ‘coach’ than a counsellor

but he needs to talk to someone and to get rid of his stress and exercise is the most logical solution

Are you reading the right thread? Or even reading?

When you're both in a better headspace you need to discuss moving somewhere where the DCs can get to and from school easier (childminder?) and you can work more and your DH work less.

They're teenagers. I think it's a rare teenager who would accept a childminder.

What's the plan for that btw, @ArDi? Does your DH think that the older one will drive at 17 and give the other one lifts to school / college / etc? Or that you'll carry on doing it?

I guess I am in similar position to your husband. Only wage for 10plus years. It's exhausting and extraordinarily worrying. It occupies my mind a LOT. Difference is it wasn't a joint decision.

I think your husband might want the chance to talk about how he feels. Don't know why he is locked into the dream house but when you are worried you are not always logical. Let him unburden himself.

Hi OP. I've been a sahm for a long time and I think one trap we fall into is that we tend to forget how stressful it can be for our DHs to be the breadwinner. Yes I know you're back at work now but realistically you all still depend very heavily on his income if you're only earning 1/10 of his.

It's easy to tell him to quit his job for a less stressful one but I know my DH would see that as a personal failure, and he wouldn't think that I'm being supportive if I repeatedly suggested that. He would think that I am minimising his problems and looking for an easy way out.

Another thing that stood out to me in your original post is that is was all me me me. Maybe you need to change the way you approach this issue with your DH as at present you sound more like you're whining about your life as opposed to showing concern for him.

OP I have been where you are , to some extent I still am . So many of these posters really don’t understand the way the career path of these corporate jobs work. In dh case it’s either the high pressure big job or nothing at his age , there’s no way that he could just downgrade easily it doesn’t work that way , but there are ways to change how it’s framed . I would seriously recommend a career coach , but make sure you get one who has experience in the right industries .

also why do people think that two people doing big jobs will help. It’s not really about money because the Op is happy to cut costs it’s about time and headspace. My dh can only really do his job because I work less hours , and for the record I earn several times more than £10k and he still earns 10x what I do. He doesn’t have the option to cut down because his job can only be done full on and he needs that intellectual challenge and adrenaline rush . However we have found ways to lesson the stress on him, a lot of which is self imposed. One way is that I cut my hours even more to take a very flexible role where I can pick up ‘more for the team’ so now when he does have down time we can take full advantage. To be honest my job might have added money but it also added stress, in the process I now have a more interesting role.

I would also frame the move as a positive. Make it a proactive rather than reactive thing and give him solutions not problems . At the moment he sees you being unhappy as another problem he has to solve . Give him a way out , make the benefits obvious to him.