Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

She does work.

Is she allowed to want something from her relationship other than her husband dipping in and out as he works?

Bizarre the way some women think men having a job is all they need to do in life.

She has a fucking job

You were right to speak up. So far you have all been living his dream - high status job,wife, house and kids.

You have sacrificed your career to facilitate his. Your kids have sacrificed having a dad who is actually around for them. They wont get these years back.

So when do you get your dream ? Living in a smaller house, having more time as a couple or a family, him actually parenting his kids sone of the time, maybe living nearer their school and friends.

Its not your fault that his high pressure high status jobs is unsurprisingly turning out to be stressful. It was his choice not yours.

It's obvious the house needs to be sold but will he see this as a failure on his behalf.

Talk to him gently and hopefully you can make him see sense.

Why do people continue to put themselves under such pressure, its very sad.

I'd make things less theoretical - have a few valuations done on your house, have a look at what you can buy and be mortgage free - real examples. A spreadsheet of all the costs. What else you could do with your income with lower repayments etc.
Offer him a realistic and tangible alternative rather than a wishy washy 'we could sell up and be happier'
FWIW I think it does sound like you kicked him when he was down. I think you need to acknowledge how hard he's working and how much effort he is putting in for the family and that yes it may be an example of his love for you all. The problem is he is putting all that energy into employment and bricks and mortar and that is not what makes you feel loved and connected to him. You need the person much more than you need the paycheck.

Reading this message made me quite sad for you both. I would also rather have my husband alive, happy, and to actually see something of him, than keeping the luxurious home.

I hope you're able to find a way forward, and that he appreciates having such a loving and supportive wife

Thanks for the various empathetic replies. I will try to have a gentler conversation with him.
We're going on a family holiday (first in three years!) in a week, so hopefully will have some time then in the evenings to chat.

I've been around on Mumsnet long enough to know to expect the gfs. Water off a duck's back.

Genuinely, thanks to all who have taken the time to understand and help me see where I went wrong and how I can approach things more helpfully.

You need to support him. Tell him you love him,as he is not as you would like him to be. It sounds as though you have added to his desperation. Not blaming you at all but try to give an objective view.

Clearly people are having trouble reading here or just putting the boot in for the fun of it.

The OP has TWO jobs. The OP also said that going full time she would THEN earn 10% of her husband's salary.

The OP has enabled her husband to get this big paying job by looking after their two children. I bet the husband has done very little housework or childcare over the years and now suddenly the OP is expected to go get a great paying job with no recent experience.

If he is working to the extent he can't take any time out to make his sick wife a sandwich I think it is understandable she is asking what is more important to him? He has said he wants the big house as HE sees it as a status symbol but let's not read anything that doesn't play to the narrative that the OP is a lazy free loader who should get a job.

Well of course not. She would have to support herself then.

@therubbiliser your post is absolutely spot on.

You've been extremely cruel @ArDi . I'm the breadwinner and if my husband didn't recognise the love inherent in providing for us, I would be devastated. You need to stop point scoring and apologise. The poor man sounds on the brink.

How much does he earn and what's your mortgage?

Maybe it is too much for your level of income.
Corporate jobs can be incredibly stressful.

Could you set aside one evening a week to go for dinner or a walk and carve out quality chill time.

I get you Op and have been in a very similar situation. Dh was working so much that he really couldn’t see the wood for the trees and it was very hard to make him listen and discuss it all, your holiday will be a great opportunity for that.

I had to tell my dh that I was worried sick he was going to drop down dead (yes, I had to be that blunt) and also that if something didn’t change then our marriage would suffer.
He does need to know you live him and the house you live in does not mean a happy life

We now have a plan, which we both agree on and means downsizing and planning what we will do with all the money we will save!

Good luck

I hope you have a lovely holiday and get the chance to have a proper chat x

Good luck and I hope it all goes well. I'm very pleased you were able to see the useful posts amidst the rather annoying flotsam you get with 'Trending' fame (or should that be infamy?!)

I actually love you a little bit for that. Well said!

You've been extremely cruel @ArDi . I'm the breadwinner and if my husband didn't recognise the love inherent in providing for us, I would be devastated. You need to stop point scoring and apologise. The poor man sounds on the brink. @harriethoyle

The op is trying to do something precisely because she knows he’s on the brink!
Hen a person works for 16 hours a day, is a not present mentally for any family time, and refuses to change anything, are you seriously suggesting the Op just puts up with that?!

Another good reason to move then :) Maybe that would be a different way to frame the "selling up and moving" argument? If you lived somewhere less in the middle of nowhere, the teens could be more independent, which would free up your "ferrying them around" time as well as making the teens happier (probably; most teens would prefer to be nearer to their friends/school/social life). And if you had more time that would give you more ability to start to build up your own career. At the moment your DH must see "we could move and downsize" as a failure on his part to provide for the family. So turn it into a positive thing for other reasons.

I understand where you're coming from. It's a place of love and also of saying actually you value something other than a bigger house. Plus it's sad he didn't have time to help when you were ill. Id be frustrated about that too. However it does sound like it came out wrong. Asking for proof of love. What would I say about my husband, he washed the pots...he didn't agree when I joked about a divorce.. I don't know. I think he does love me though.

I think you need to talk and ask him how he feels about things and explain you simply meant you love him and want more time with him. He may see the big house and income that he's working so hard for as his proof of love. Take it from there.

@TheGoodEnoughWife

👏 👏 👏

Well of course not. She would have to support herself then.

It's amazing how thick some people are.

Yes to me this says it all to me. Pretty mean to not take care of someone when they're ill in bed. We see it time and time again on here. Men using work as an excuse to check out of their relationship and family life.

You are doing the right thing. Keep telling him you love him and that you're worried about what the financial responsibility is doing to him.
I lost a family to member to suicide due to financial overburden. You are right to keep communication on this open.
Ask him how he really feels about each are of his life - you, the house, family dynamics, work. Would he come to counselling with you?

It's very obvious that the OP's attitude is coming from a place of concern for her husband. She would rather give up a luxurious home and lifestyle than have him risk his health - possibly his life; it's well known stress is a killer - and wellbeing.

Why some posters are trying to paint her as some kind of ingrate, when she's raised the children and also works in a paid occupation herself, is anyone's guess. They have BOTH contributed to their marital assets and home.

There are more ways of showing 'love' than merely monetary provision, which is actually a pretty impoverished way of looking at life as a whole. Health, love and family are priceless.

Really good post!