Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Most disappointing ‘proposal’ in history of mankind

155 replies

Christoncrutches · 13/10/2022 19:38

DP mentioned in unusually intense argument - caused by build up of frustration over lack of intimacy due to anti-depression medication (his) - that he was particularly upset at me expressing unhappiness as he was seriously considering proposing this Christmas. We’ve been together for over a decade, successfully co-parent DCs, and the decline in sex life not due to ‘us’ - we actually have a generally lovely relationship, but it’s been made worse by life shite - new house, illness, menopause blahblah… It took ages to get my final divorce decree, so we just cracked on without getting married, and it never really made a massive difference to me BUT I did always imagine it would happen, and that as he knows exH was a massive let down in such things, and that I never really got properly proposed to, that it would be a nice, romantic moment.

The way he worded this made it sound like he’s perhaps been planning this for a while and that he’d looked at rings already. He then said he’d actually prefer I find one I like myself as he knows I have specific taste (I do, to be fair). Wanting to make up after the argument, and move on in a positive way, I agreed to look and give him a steer, but to be honest, it was disappointing that any element of surprise was gone.

So a few days later, I had a look but realised it was a tad pointless as I don’t know what his budget is - I reckoned it wouldn’t be massive as we have stuff to do around house and life it so feckin expensive these days, so rather than the traditional three months salary gubbins, which would have £10k-ish, I bookmarked a few between £1-2k. Tonight I mentioned I’d had a look and that I need to know roughly what the budget is. He told me a story about a conversation with his friend about his wedding band costing £45. With a sinking feeling I asked how that relates to this, and he said he hadn’t any idea about how much an engagement ring costs and the difference between the two types of rings, getting angry with me for ‘making him feel like a disappointment’. It descended into an argument and I walked away deflated as fuck, feeling unworthy of even a google to find out what an engagement ring is and how much it might cost (he’s in his forties for fucks sake, how can this be the first he’s hearing that you might have to budget before a proposal).

No idea where we go from here?!

OP posts:
badassbaby · 13/10/2022 19:45

Christoncrutches · 13/10/2022 19:38

DP mentioned in unusually intense argument - caused by build up of frustration over lack of intimacy due to anti-depression medication (his) - that he was particularly upset at me expressing unhappiness as he was seriously considering proposing this Christmas. We’ve been together for over a decade, successfully co-parent DCs, and the decline in sex life not due to ‘us’ - we actually have a generally lovely relationship, but it’s been made worse by life shite - new house, illness, menopause blahblah… It took ages to get my final divorce decree, so we just cracked on without getting married, and it never really made a massive difference to me BUT I did always imagine it would happen, and that as he knows exH was a massive let down in such things, and that I never really got properly proposed to, that it would be a nice, romantic moment.

The way he worded this made it sound like he’s perhaps been planning this for a while and that he’d looked at rings already. He then said he’d actually prefer I find one I like myself as he knows I have specific taste (I do, to be fair). Wanting to make up after the argument, and move on in a positive way, I agreed to look and give him a steer, but to be honest, it was disappointing that any element of surprise was gone.

So a few days later, I had a look but realised it was a tad pointless as I don’t know what his budget is - I reckoned it wouldn’t be massive as we have stuff to do around house and life it so feckin expensive these days, so rather than the traditional three months salary gubbins, which would have £10k-ish, I bookmarked a few between £1-2k. Tonight I mentioned I’d had a look and that I need to know roughly what the budget is. He told me a story about a conversation with his friend about his wedding band costing £45. With a sinking feeling I asked how that relates to this, and he said he hadn’t any idea about how much an engagement ring costs and the difference between the two types of rings, getting angry with me for ‘making him feel like a disappointment’. It descended into an argument and I walked away deflated as fuck, feeling unworthy of even a google to find out what an engagement ring is and how much it might cost (he’s in his forties for fucks sake, how can this be the first he’s hearing that you might have to budget before a proposal).

No idea where we go from here?!

Personally I'd shelf all talk of marriage until you're in a better place in your relationship...things sound tough right now, definitely not the time to be getting engaged.
So sorry OP xxxx

HeebieJeebies7 · 13/10/2022 19:48

Hello OP , I am sorry to hear that your partner has let you down on this but if he is on anti depressants is it not fair to let this rest for a while till he gets better. I think you guys can talk about the ring calmly after you have both cooled off ....... every woman dreams about a romantic proposal and some actually get their ideal proposal but is it really that important to stress yourself out as well as your partner over this social precedent ? He will get you a good ring, I think that comment was there just to let you know in a subtle way he can't spend alot on the ring ...... your relationship sounds stronger and bigger then this .......

AnApparitionQuipped · 13/10/2022 19:49

If you want to get married the cost of the rings and manner of proposal shouldn't be important. Your focus on this and the other issues you mention in the relationship suggests you are not in the right place for marriage at the moment. If you were, you wouldn't care if the ring only cost £45.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 13/10/2022 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maireas · 13/10/2022 19:50

Stop all discussion about engagement and marriage. Off the table.
Wanting a romantic proposal puts the gift of marriage in his hands, maybe he doesn't want that.
You do need to find time to think about what you both want for the future, and why.

Hercisback · 13/10/2022 19:50

Don't marry him. You clearly don't want to.

Maireas · 13/10/2022 19:52

Oh, and not every woman dreams of a romantic proposal, that's a myth.
I've been happily married for many years. We discussed getting married, so we did.

Caroffee · 13/10/2022 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Right. So you have sympathy for a man for having MH issues but no sympathy for a woman whose hormonal changes will be affecting her mental and physical health? Attitudes like this underpin centuries of misogyny and patriarchy.

Permanentterriblehairday · 13/10/2022 19:58

What's more important, an expensive ring or a marriage?

Original poster
Christoncrutches · 13/10/2022 19:59

Caroffee · 13/10/2022 19:55

Right. So you have sympathy for a man for having MH issues but no sympathy for a woman whose hormonal changes will be affecting her mental and physical health? Attitudes like this underpin centuries of misogyny and patriarchy.

Show quote history

Thanks @Caroffee - bizarre how some folk are so quick to judge an entire relationship and person based on one post! You’re right, the menopause has taken a massive toll on me, and undermined my confidence hugely. The fact it coincided with his reaction to his medication causing a decline in his libido meant I’ve spent two years feeling rejected, despite our strong relationship. We’ve both supported each other through these challenges, but occasionally the frustration leaks out and leads to an argument. Not his or my fault but I suppose my upset is mainly that I feel he could have managed my expectations a little more sensitively. I feel mislead and a bit of an arsehole for getting my expectations up.

OP posts:
BigCheeseSandwich · 13/10/2022 20:00

“Every woman dreams about a romantic proposal”

No. Some of us prefer to discuss the idea of a lifelong commitment and come to an agreement as partners. More boring than a sign writing aeroplane but hey ho.

Maireas · 13/10/2022 20:01

BigCheeseSandwich · 13/10/2022 20:00

“Every woman dreams about a romantic proposal”

No. Some of us prefer to discuss the idea of a lifelong commitment and come to an agreement as partners. More boring than a sign writing aeroplane but hey ho.

I agree 100%.

HeebieJeebies7 · 13/10/2022 20:03

OK most men and women make a deal about proposing , it is normal to have these expectations, just let this rest till you feel more positive and he is stable to discuss a way forward ....... you are not hardwork or unreasonable, it is very normal to expect things from your partner

Goldpaw · 13/10/2022 20:04

The cost of the ring is obviously important to both of you. To you because you think £1000 - £2000 is reasonable. To him because he thinks £45 for a wedding band is reasonable so appears to not want to spend too much on an engagement ring.

I know life is tough at the minute but your comment that he should know about budgeting before a proposal seems to me to not be what proposing is about.

Why does a ring matter to you? Is it possible to be engaged without a ring, or with a cheaper ring?

DillDanding · 13/10/2022 20:04

I understand wanting to be married, but all the dreams of a romantic proposal and a blingy ring seem a bit daft to me when you're older and have done it before.

Changeee1546789 · 13/10/2022 20:05

The idea of a woman waiting around for a romantic proposal makes me want to vomit. It’s steeped in patriarchy. OP you’re not 5.

Sit down with him and have an adult conversation. Bollocks to an engagement ring and it’s cost. It’s all meaningless crap. This about making a commitment to the person you love.

HeebieJeebies7 · 13/10/2022 20:06

@BigCheeseSandwich and @Maireas please calm down , it is a general statement in the context of making the OP feel better nothing personal to you two !

Original poster
Christoncrutches · 13/10/2022 20:06

Permanentterriblehairday · 13/10/2022 19:58

What's more important, an expensive ring or a marriage?

Obviously marriage - if you knew me, you’d understand I’m not materialistic at all. I walked away from my previous marriage with nothing and have paid for my children without any help from ex.

When someone says ‘look at rings’, you have to ask what the budget is, and I guarantee any woman, materialistic or not, would be disappointed if the response was a story about a £45 ring. Its not about the money, it’s the lack of thought or sensitivity. I was mostly upset that he didn’t think it was worthy of research. We already agreed any wedding would just be us, the kids and a couple friends - nothing expensive.

OP posts:
ElectedOnThursday · 13/10/2022 20:07

But why do you need a proposal? It is such a.ridiculous, sexist and outdated ritual. No one should be getting married unless they have talked at length with their partner about why, and are 💯 on the same page. Why do you need to be asked? It’s honestly just a ritual you have imagined in line with a ridiculous fairytale.

You are grown ups in a committed relationship, any “asking” is absurd and suggests neediness and immaturity.

What matters is the quality of the partnership. Focus your energy on strengthening the union rather than a costly charade that is clearly causing both of you distress.

Lili132 · 13/10/2022 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Maireas · 13/10/2022 20:10

HeebieJeebies7 · 13/10/2022 20:06

@BigCheeseSandwich and @Maireas please calm down , it is a general statement in the context of making the OP feel better nothing personal to you two !

I'm perfectly calm. I'm certain @BigCheeseSandwich is too.
Calmly challenging the often damaging myth that all women want a romantic proposal. Not so.

Maireas · 13/10/2022 20:11

ElectedOnThursday · 13/10/2022 20:07

But why do you need a proposal? It is such a.ridiculous, sexist and outdated ritual. No one should be getting married unless they have talked at length with their partner about why, and are 💯 on the same page. Why do you need to be asked? It’s honestly just a ritual you have imagined in line with a ridiculous fairytale.

You are grown ups in a committed relationship, any “asking” is absurd and suggests neediness and immaturity.

What matters is the quality of the partnership. Focus your energy on strengthening the union rather than a costly charade that is clearly causing both of you distress.

Exactly this.

Maireas · 13/10/2022 20:12

Changeee1546789 · 13/10/2022 20:05

The idea of a woman waiting around for a romantic proposal makes me want to vomit. It’s steeped in patriarchy. OP you’re not 5.

Sit down with him and have an adult conversation. Bollocks to an engagement ring and it’s cost. It’s all meaningless crap. This about making a commitment to the person you love.

Good points

HeebieJeebies7 · 13/10/2022 20:15

@Maireas challenge away , and try challenging it of all social media platforms tik tok, FB , Instagram and then let me know your findings as in this consumption orientated society most men and women want to make an event out of a proposal , I m not saying it is right but it definitely is the case ..... peace out

Original poster
Christoncrutches · 13/10/2022 20:16

Changeee1546789 · 13/10/2022 20:05

The idea of a woman waiting around for a romantic proposal makes me want to vomit. It’s steeped in patriarchy. OP you’re not 5.

Sit down with him and have an adult conversation. Bollocks to an engagement ring and it’s cost. It’s all meaningless crap. This about making a commitment to the person you love.

Lordy, I certainly haven’t hung around for 11 years waiting for a romantic proposal - just not something flung at me during an argument. In hindsight I should have just shelved the conversation and not followed it up.

Do you never have a moment in your relationship where you perhaps feel a bit disappointed or foolish at having some kind of expectation of a bit of romance. I’d HATE the hallmark shite, and he knows that, but I did think maybe, considering how he said he’s been planning it, I wouldn’t have to do the heavy lifting.

OP posts: