Most disappointing ‘proposal’ in history of mankind

[Christoncrutches]

DP mentioned in unusually intense argument - caused by build up of frustration over lack of intimacy due to anti-depression medication (his) - that he was particularly upset at me expressing unhappiness as he was seriously considering proposing this Christmas. We’ve been together for over a decade, successfully co-parent DCs, and the decline in sex life not due to ‘us’ - we actually have a generally lovely relationship, but it’s been made worse by life shite - new house, illness, menopause blahblah… It took ages to get my final divorce decree, so we just cracked on without getting married, and it never really made a massive difference to me BUT I did always imagine it would happen, and that as he knows exH was a massive let down in such things, and that I never really got properly proposed to, that it would be a nice, romantic moment.

The way he worded this made it sound like he’s perhaps been planning this for a while and that he’d looked at rings already. He then said he’d actually prefer I find one I like myself as he knows I have specific taste (I do, to be fair). Wanting to make up after the argument, and move on in a positive way, I agreed to look and give him a steer, but to be honest, it was disappointing that any element of surprise was gone.

So a few days later, I had a look but realised it was a tad pointless as I don’t know what his budget is - I reckoned it wouldn’t be massive as we have stuff to do around house and life it so feckin expensive these days, so rather than the traditional three months salary gubbins, which would have £10k-ish, I bookmarked a few between £1-2k. Tonight I mentioned I’d had a look and that I need to know roughly what the budget is. He told me a story about a conversation with his friend about his wedding band costing £45. With a sinking feeling I asked how that relates to this, and he said he hadn’t any idea about how much an engagement ring costs and the difference between the two types of rings, getting angry with me for ‘making him feel like a disappointment’. It descended into an argument and I walked away deflated as fuck, feeling unworthy of even a google to find out what an engagement ring is and how much it might cost (he’s in his forties for fucks sake, how can this be the first he’s hearing that you might have to budget before a proposal).

No idea where we go from here?!

I don't think proposal and ring matter that much or are in any way a reflection of your worth BUT what does matter is that you made it clear to him what your expectations are and it's natural to feel a bit let down.

I understand that you're disappointed but it would be much more functional to give him a of benefit of a doubt. Maybe he is a bit clueless or finds big gestures like that overwhelming. It's very unlikely that he doesn't care or doesn't consider you worthy. If that was a case he wouldn't be with you or wanted to marry you.

I'm the end of the day if you want to be together you need to be able to deal with that kind of conflict without destroying your love and connection to each other.

I'm not on any of that social media. I don't like the way that nowadays marriage is in the gift of the man and he decides when to initiate moving the relationship forward. It seems regressive to me, but I'm just an old feminist.
Peace, love and female power ✊

I wouldn't be bothered by a 45 pound ring. I'd rather spend the money on something useful. Fwiw mine was 35 and wedding ring 115 and we chose them together. The whole idea of a 3 month salary was made up by the diamond industry - it's not traditional

Ahh OP what's shitty here is that marriage is being 'proposed' with lots of negative emotion around it.

A lovely proposal could be with a £5 ring if it was done in a spirit of joy.

But he's thrown a proposal at you within a tense argument as a bit of an accusation.

Asked you to sort out your own ring.

Then suggested a measley ring is all he wants to offer, and hadn't even looked into it at all.

It's not the ring or the big romantic moment that's upsetting you it's the lack of love, thoughtfulness and joy in it all.

Leave it for a bit. Then when calm explain that to him.

Then maybe propose to him romantically and ask him to go ring shopping with you and organise a day out to do it.

Your story then might not be the most romantic ever but it will show how you can work things out when you're miscommunicating and it'll be a lovely illustration of why your marriage will be strong.

He's telling you to behave and not to answer him back or he won't propose.
You'll be dancing to his tune if you want this, after he's trashed it and used it as ammunition.
Tell him you're not arsed due to the current state of your relationship.
I totally get that a £45 ring is not good enough after him dangling the proposal in front of you.
Do you really want to marry him?

Exactly this

Agreed. We've been married for over 40 years. When we decided to get married, I used my grandmother's engagement ring as it seemed silly to spend a lot of money on a ring when I already had one I loved. In the current financial climate I can't understand the idea of spending a five figure sum on an engagement ring.

YES!

I didn’t even get a ring.

DH wouldn’t dare. He knows I’d rather pick my own, so I did. I spent ages looking at rings then at stones, I went to Birmingham and London, finally I chose a loose stone and then had it set. I also chose my band and eternity ring.

Surely your partner knows you after all this time? Could he have been teasing you? But then you got stroppy so he got angry… I mean it’s not all about the money, it’s meant to be about love.

In fairness DH also chose his ring, not to my taste, it cost £30 ish (bonus!). But he’s happy with it, he loves that it’s comfortable, he isn’t worried if it slips off/he loses it and that’s all that matters.

Talk again when you are both calmer.

Very sensible @GaGasp0deTheW0nderD0g - we couldn't afford an engagement ring, my wedding ring was £9 from Ratner's!
I think no social media or heavy marketing campaigns left us less susceptible!

Your post reads (to me) like he doesn’t want to get married at all. He threw that comment at you almost as a threat or a punishment. That’s what would have upset me. Why say that to someone? I’m upset because I was going to propose. Err ok, are you not going to now? I wouldn’t have started looking for a ring that’s for sure. But I secretly hate engagement rings and don’t understand why people have them (probably not a popular opinion…).

Good points, @MalagaNights

i can understand it OP - £45 is less than I spend on a tank of petrol and if he wants to get you a ring then you probably might like something that is really personal and meaningful.

Not saying £25k but something that is valuable in both sentiment and also not just any old crap you can shove in your shopping trolley at Tesco. I chose an antique ring that wasn’t expensive, together and it was a lovely way to spend a romantic afternoon looking forward to our future.

Other people might have a bottle of champagne at home and a hug, or make the decision and feel pleased but it’s the sentiment behind it not the ££ spent.

and people DO ask how he proposed they just do. It’s a really natural follow on question. And it’s fine to say that you decided together over a nice dinner at home and chose a ring together or whatever but you don’t want to be telling truthfully he said he thought fifty quid should cover it after chatting to his mate and he blamed you for “making him feel like a failure” when he’s on £50k ish.

you didn’t “make him feel” anything and he was being shitty with you. And if your XH was also unsuited to you with relation to what you find romantic, I can understand it’s more depressing than if people who are with partners who suit them exactly in that way.

MOST women do discuss marriage with partners and rarely is it a complete out of the blue surprise but horses for courses.

My best mate asked her DP after six months if they should consider getting married and he contemplated the discussion and proposed over dinner the following month and they shopped for rings the next day.

Another friend decided with her DP that they should get married, lovely and grown up and sweet while they hung out their laundry and 15 years later she has a pretty ring, 3 kids, no job and no wedding.

Presumably that's one of the reasons so many people put off getting married for years and years. By the time they've saved up enough for the eyewatering cost of an engagement ring, party, hen and stag weekends, massive wedding, their lives are already deeply entangled - children, mortgage, debts etc. If the legal protection of marriage is a good idea for both of them, they need it long before that point.

I get it, and your feelings about this OP.

It's not about a potential ring costing £45, or no aeroplanes with banners. It's your DP's lack of thought, care and time spent on something that you had expressed was of some importance to you.

It really doesn't matter why you want these things, or why you were hoping for a lovely proposal, the fact is you do/were, and your DP completely overlooked that.

I don't know how it works with anti-depressants, or how they affect his emotional reactions, but I'd wait until the heat of the argument has died down, then the two of you should sit and have a proper conversation about how the whole thing made you feel. If he's the man you think he is, and you gave the relationship you think you do, he will understand.

Eh, we discussed marriage for quite a while, and then we chose an engagement ring together (£38 blue john stone ring)
And then he surprised me with a romantic proposal at the restaurant we met at.

No reason you can't do both!

Bollocks. You show me a woman in the UK who’s thrilled with a £45 engagement ring and I’ll show you a fine actress.

I love Blue John!

OP ignore everyone's one upmanship stories about how their ring cost £1.50 and they found it at the bottom of a bin.

They're irrelevant, unhelpful and blindly missing the emotional resonance of the context, whilst feeling smug.

I don't have or want an engagement ring. Or a wedding ring. Or a bleurgh romantic proposal.

A 40 year old, divorced, woman with children who's been living with her partner for years pouting because she didn't get a helium balloon and a picture for Instagram is just gruesome.

So you had together chosen an engagement ring.

But... what? You didn't understand that it was meant to be an engagement ring? I don't get it.

I think we may have found an issue that genuinely divides the women of MN down the middle.

Bollocks. You show me a woman in the UK who’s thrilled with a £45 engagement ring and I’ll show you a fine actress.

If my partner had wanted to spend an enormous sum of money on a ring for me, I would have known I'd made a mistake and we were not well enough suited to marry.

Christ.
Some people can't overlook an opportunity to kick others when they're down to make themselves feel good.

Yes yes the OP is 'gruesome' you are deep and wise.
It's so clear now.

I may be being cynical and reading this wrong but I think it's more like he just used the 'I was going to propose but now I'm having second thoughts because you are somehow displeasing me' ploy in heat of an argument to somehow 'punish' you. However, you've taken it so literally, you're assuming it was something he was actually planning. But if that was the case, he'd know how much engagements could cost, how much his budget was etc. It's something he's said, then calmed down, had to convince you he meant the proposal by saying you could look at rings but now obviously feeling trapped or cornered, hence the reason why another argument came about when budgets were mentioned.

Completely agree. Not only during an argument, but very gracelessly 🙁 I would be upset too (and certainly wouldn't expect balloons, sky writing, fireworks or any of that).