Most disappointing ‘proposal’ in history of mankind

[Christoncrutches]

DP mentioned in unusually intense argument - caused by build up of frustration over lack of intimacy due to anti-depression medication (his) - that he was particularly upset at me expressing unhappiness as he was seriously considering proposing this Christmas. We’ve been together for over a decade, successfully co-parent DCs, and the decline in sex life not due to ‘us’ - we actually have a generally lovely relationship, but it’s been made worse by life shite - new house, illness, menopause blahblah… It took ages to get my final divorce decree, so we just cracked on without getting married, and it never really made a massive difference to me BUT I did always imagine it would happen, and that as he knows exH was a massive let down in such things, and that I never really got properly proposed to, that it would be a nice, romantic moment.

The way he worded this made it sound like he’s perhaps been planning this for a while and that he’d looked at rings already. He then said he’d actually prefer I find one I like myself as he knows I have specific taste (I do, to be fair). Wanting to make up after the argument, and move on in a positive way, I agreed to look and give him a steer, but to be honest, it was disappointing that any element of surprise was gone.

So a few days later, I had a look but realised it was a tad pointless as I don’t know what his budget is - I reckoned it wouldn’t be massive as we have stuff to do around house and life it so feckin expensive these days, so rather than the traditional three months salary gubbins, which would have £10k-ish, I bookmarked a few between £1-2k. Tonight I mentioned I’d had a look and that I need to know roughly what the budget is. He told me a story about a conversation with his friend about his wedding band costing £45. With a sinking feeling I asked how that relates to this, and he said he hadn’t any idea about how much an engagement ring costs and the difference between the two types of rings, getting angry with me for ‘making him feel like a disappointment’. It descended into an argument and I walked away deflated as fuck, feeling unworthy of even a google to find out what an engagement ring is and how much it might cost (he’s in his forties for fucks sake, how can this be the first he’s hearing that you might have to budget before a proposal).

No idea where we go from here?!

Op:

The main point is though, we both love each other and have always wanted to get married, and also want it to celebrate our relationship, rather than the cold stuff.

Also op:

i bookmarked a few between £1-2k. Tonight I mentioned I’d had a look and that I need to know roughly what the budget is. He told me a story about a conversation with his friend about his wedding band costing £45. With a sinking feeling I asked how that relates to this, and he said he hadn’t any idea about how much an engagement ring costs and the difference between the two types of rings, getting angry with me for ‘making him feel like a disappointment’. It descended into an argument and I walked away deflated as fuck, feeling unworthy of even a google to find out what an engagement ring is and how much it might cost (he’s in his forties for fucks sake, how can this be the first he’s hearing that you might have to budget before a proposal).

Lol.

I honestly can't believe that some of you especially @BloodAndFire are being cruel, a lack of compassion can be as vulgar as an excess of tears ....... they are a family and have every right to discuss inheritance and they are raising the children together, it is a family unit not yours and mine , it must be exhausting thinking like that........

This. If my DH had offered to spend large sums on a ring I'd know I was with the wrong man. So many other things to spend money on to enrich our lives. Plus when you don't have a great deal of money why would you expect it to be invested in a ring?
I get you are upset at the 'non-proposal' , but that's separate from expecting money he can ill afford being carried around on your finger.
The grand proposal event doesn't happen to many of us. It doesn't blight our lives. I suspect though that the way he said he'd been planning to propose suggested he was changing his mind and as you've been together so long this has understandably upset you. Id be upset by that but not the rest.

"Bollocks. You show me a woman in the UK who’s thrilled with a £45 engagement ring and I’ll show you a fine actress."

Mine was free. He got it off his ex to give to me. 🤣. I pawned it for £20 when we went through a hellish financial crisis. Never bothered getting it back.
Our weddings rings were from Argos. Can't even remember what they cost but can't have been more than 45 for the pair of them.

Not all of us care about expensive rings or see them as evidence of how much we are valued. They're just bits of metal 🤷

It matters to some and that's fine. It's their choice. But to claim that every woman would be disappointed is just incorrect.

Compassion?

I have loads of compassion but I tend to feel it for people who are in poverty, ill, infertile, homeless, in violent or abusive relationships, unemployed, etc. Not for someone stamping her feet because her partner hasn't spent thousands of pounds on buying her jewellery.

It is a very incomplete and basic form of compassion that you have written about , I would like to believe you are better then what you have just written.

I mean- if I thought as you did Bloodandfire I would be adding up the years DP will spend supporting my older children (late teens) against the years I will be supporting his, (7 and 9) and adjusting my will accordingly I assume? How (and why) would you quantify it all out?
That would just be....Incredibly sad...and very grabby as you would have it-and just not a loving way to manage a family in would have thought?

And why do you assume she (op) has everything to gain and him nothing? What about the years of support she has given him as he has her? What about he likes being part of the family unit and get everything inherent in that from the situation? What about they love each other?
Jeez

Clearly a massive troll firing on all cylinders… I don’t have to justify our financial situation to appease a black hearted arsehole, but yes - why would you assume only he has something to lose? This is 2022 and I personally don’t know any women who aren’t proportionately equal financially contributors in their families by their mid/late forties. My savings paid the majority of the deposit and we both contribute equally, according to our pay. He earns slightly more, but not a hugely.

I think someone has been watching too many episodes of Real Housewives… Also, life isn’t always linear - it is possible for people to recover from poverty, illness, fertility issues, abusive relationships. I personally have ticked all those boxes in the past. Because I’m not actively poor, ill or being knocked about, you can’t have compassion? Well, I feel bad for you that you’re not capable of experiencing a greater depth of understanding or emotion, and clearly get your jollies from being a boot on online forums.

It’s certainly an very admin-heavy way of approaching life! 😂

Of course families don't count pennies or extra bits of mutual support, financial and otherwise. This isn't the scenario painted here.

I'm going off solely what's in the OP's posts. She says:

• She left her ex-husband and came into this relationship with nothing - she said this to demonstrate that she's not materialistic, but she was penniless
• Her partner owns the house, she's not on the deeds - she says this is because of the mortgage but that's nonsense because you can be on the deeds without being on the mortgage, they are not related
• Her partner has no children, she has two, and they have a biological father and mother
• For the past 2 years they have not had an intimate relationship
• He has depression and is on medication
• She pushed him to say how much he would spend on an engagement ring and was angry when he suggested a much lower figure than the thousands she wanted him to spend
• She expected him to 'budget' for a proposal

I don't know these people. I don't even know if they exist, or if anything in her posts is true ( I assume it is). But based purely off the scenario as she has described it, she has everything to gain from getting married, and is pushing very hard for it. He has nothing to gain from it, and seems to be extremely reluctant to do it. She is pushing him to spend much more money on things than he wants or expects to.

It doesn't read anything like a loving, mutually supportive relationship, like you describe yours.

I don't even know what 'Real Housewives' is, and no, I'm not a troll - are you?

He earns slightly more, but not a hugely.

This is 2022 and I personally don’t know any women who aren’t proportionately equal financially contributors in their families by their mid/late forties.

So why do you think he should budget to spend thousands of pounds on a ring for you?

Why aren't you spending the same amount on getting a ring for him, if it's all so equal?

Not very '2022' of you, is it?

He's owns the house, you don't. You have children to support, he doesn't. Of course he has far more to lose financially if you get married.

I have nothing much to add here except that I would have been disappointed too. The general lack of thought towards such an important event would be hard to swallow. I guess his depression explains that and I'm really pleased you've moved forward. All the best.

I think you’re maybe being a bit unfair, OP. My husband wouldn’t have had a f*ing clue how much an engagement ring costs. Actually, I remember looking at small diamonds and him commenting that they couldn’t possibly be real diamonds because “aren’t they, like, hundreds of thousands of £?” He literally thought a 0.20ct diamond would cost something like £50,000. I definitely had to steer him in the right direction or he would have been clueless.

I also didn’t get a proposal. We just agreed one day that we’d been together a while and maybe it was time to get married. So we bought a ring and told everyone we were engaged. Fine by me! In all fairness, though, I know this wouldn’t be for everyone and some people do dream of that fantasy proposal they’ve thought of since they were a child.

I wouldn’t think he doesn’t care just because he doesn’t know how much an engagement ring costs though.

I’d feel sad if he gave me the same ring as an ex, I must admit! The financial amount is a distraction from the main point, that I assumed he had put some kind of thought or effort into the thing, considering he was the one who said he was planning a nice Christmas proposal.

I bought him a nice ring for an anniversary once, looked for ages to find something I thought he’d like, got it engraved with a meaningful message that only he would understand… he absolutely loves it and wears it daily, so thought maybe put in a similar effort, and felt bit deflated.

He is being passive aggressive, holding this proposal over you like a treat for good behaviour.

I don't know why anyone would want their other half to spend over £1k on a ring. Mine cost not much more than £100 and did the job, I still wear it after many years (plus wedding ring which cost low hundreds). I'd hate to carry that much money around on my finger. The idea of three months salary is completely invented by advertisers, who in their right mind would spend that?!

I got engaged last week. My first marriage I had a massive diamond and a horror of a husband. This time I asked him for a wooden ring. He proposed last week at home first thing in the morning with the ring. He made a special video for me and it was lovely. The ring isn't the thing. It's the relationship. Also I love my ring

I'd be sad too.

Funny how some men manage down expectations so you seldom get what you want but they manage to get everything they want.

Please we all have preferences for fine things whether it be expensive jewellery , cars, electronics, clothes, cosmetics, theist is endless . Please stop with the " I m above all this" attitude cause nobody really is , no man , no woman not even insects , even they have certain preferences for mating !

@Maireas we were the same and my engagement ring and wedding ring don't hit £500 combined as i just picked something i liked and don't trust myself with a £1000 ring anyway
Don't even wear them now as don't fit and with covid and all the alcohol made fingers sore so got out the habit
Hinted at a eternity ring to replace though but again prob something we pick and decide together but im not a romantist

For now i would just say lets put it on hold and discuss or if you want the proposal he does this when he is ready and chosen a ring etc ( even if not your taste can always change it)

You sound like a nightmare.

OP if he was planning to propose at xmas he had plenty of time to still plan it , I mean don't most men shop xmas eve for the best deals it is that just my dh

I honestly think people need to stop watching romance films 😂we made the decision in bed... basically shall we get married? Yeah OK.
I was 21 and are happily married 13 years later.

I think your being insensitive if he's on antidepressants, he make you really zone out and have little interest

The main point is though, we both love each other and have always wanted to get married, and also want it to celebrate our relationship, rather than the cold stuff.
And yet, after 10 years of wanting to be married you are not even engaged, you are still waiting for a 'proposal'..
I suspect you will wait in vain.