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Original poster

Most disappointing ‘proposal’ in history of mankind

155 replies

Christoncrutches · 13/10/2022 19:38

DP mentioned in unusually intense argument - caused by build up of frustration over lack of intimacy due to anti-depression medication (his) - that he was particularly upset at me expressing unhappiness as he was seriously considering proposing this Christmas. We’ve been together for over a decade, successfully co-parent DCs, and the decline in sex life not due to ‘us’ - we actually have a generally lovely relationship, but it’s been made worse by life shite - new house, illness, menopause blahblah… It took ages to get my final divorce decree, so we just cracked on without getting married, and it never really made a massive difference to me BUT I did always imagine it would happen, and that as he knows exH was a massive let down in such things, and that I never really got properly proposed to, that it would be a nice, romantic moment.

The way he worded this made it sound like he’s perhaps been planning this for a while and that he’d looked at rings already. He then said he’d actually prefer I find one I like myself as he knows I have specific taste (I do, to be fair). Wanting to make up after the argument, and move on in a positive way, I agreed to look and give him a steer, but to be honest, it was disappointing that any element of surprise was gone.

So a few days later, I had a look but realised it was a tad pointless as I don’t know what his budget is - I reckoned it wouldn’t be massive as we have stuff to do around house and life it so feckin expensive these days, so rather than the traditional three months salary gubbins, which would have £10k-ish, I bookmarked a few between £1-2k. Tonight I mentioned I’d had a look and that I need to know roughly what the budget is. He told me a story about a conversation with his friend about his wedding band costing £45. With a sinking feeling I asked how that relates to this, and he said he hadn’t any idea about how much an engagement ring costs and the difference between the two types of rings, getting angry with me for ‘making him feel like a disappointment’. It descended into an argument and I walked away deflated as fuck, feeling unworthy of even a google to find out what an engagement ring is and how much it might cost (he’s in his forties for fucks sake, how can this be the first he’s hearing that you might have to budget before a proposal).

No idea where we go from here?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Christoncrutches · 14/10/2022 00:38

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/10/2022 22:01

Agree. The amount of posters falling over themselves to be a “pick me” and declare they’d be happy with an Argos special offer is depressing. OP is clearly not happy with low effort/thought option and I don’t blame her.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of effort from a partner and there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting the man you’ve birthed a child for to spend more than £45 on a ring for you.

Show quote history

Thanks @YaWeeFurryBastard - weird to be so reductive about other women’s expectations or relationships if they’re slightly different than yours @BloodAndFire, and to accuse me of wanting a more meaningful moment after 11 years for likes on instagram says more about you than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christoncrutches · 14/10/2022 00:40

HeebieJeebies7 · 14/10/2022 00:29

Good to hear you guys have made up ! Best of luck with everything ❤

Thanks so much @HeebieJeebies7 - not our finest moment but onward! Xx

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies7 · 14/10/2022 00:48

Glad to see the "we are above all this " group has calmed down with straw for rings that has resulted in 100 years of happy marriage not to mention being allergic to romantic gestures, some even vomited at the thought, how they can equate a reverse esophagus reaction to a romantic proposal beats me. It was exhausting to read........there husbands should have been the ones commenting, as they have successfully saved money and convinced their partners that it was somehow their idea to settle for rubber band for rings and zero romance, saves the man time money and hassle.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 00:52

Glad to see you have resolved it for now.

Next time leave the batnip on the moderators board. That should be fun to watch 😆

Original poster
Christoncrutches · 14/10/2022 00:52

HeebieJeebies7 · 14/10/2022 00:48

Glad to see the "we are above all this " group has calmed down with straw for rings that has resulted in 100 years of happy marriage not to mention being allergic to romantic gestures, some even vomited at the thought, how they can equate a reverse esophagus reaction to a romantic proposal beats me. It was exhausting to read........there husbands should have been the ones commenting, as they have successfully saved money and convinced their partners that it was somehow their idea to settle for rubber band for rings and zero romance, saves the man time money and hassle.

🤣🤣🤣 all very Month Python-esque with the competitive unromantic anecdotes…

OP posts:
Original poster
Christoncrutches · 14/10/2022 00:53

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 00:52

Glad to see you have resolved it for now.

Next time leave the batnip on the moderators board. That should be fun to watch 😆

😬😬😬

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies7 · 14/10/2022 00:59

Christoncrutches · 14/10/2022 00:52

🤣🤣🤣 all very Month Python-esque with the competitive unromantic anecdotes…

Show quote history

I agree , felt like they were competing on how the success of their marriage was inversely proportional to what their partner was willing to spend on jewellery and romance. The more successful the marriage the less the investment on rings and emotions

Bpdqueen · 14/10/2022 01:45

People who focus to much on romantic proposals and expensive rings usually just do it to post on social media

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 01:57

Honestly I'd rather have a Burger Ring or a shell from the beach than some shit worth 45 pounds. I understand your disappointment OP.

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 01:59

YY to Monty Pythonesque. You're allowed some celebration of your femininity, OP. Has he forgotten that you're to be cherished?

Liorae · 14/10/2022 02:20

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 01:59

YY to Monty Pythonesque. You're allowed some celebration of your femininity, OP. Has he forgotten that you're to be cherished?

Seriously? You view an engagement ring as a celebration of femininity?😂

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 02:22

Yes, I do actually. And I think even feminists can want to be celebrated as women.

Liorae · 14/10/2022 02:24

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 02:22

Yes, I do actually. And I think even feminists can want to be celebrated as women.

I'd find a marriage of successful equals a much better celebration.

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 02:27

I don't want my husband to treat me like I'm one of his mates. Like a genderless box. I'm his woman, his Queen, a powerful feminine force. Why would I accept treatment that values me as less?

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 02:53

Well - just one experience , DH proposed when I was going through a very bad time with a member of my family ( staying with us ) and it was getting me down . We went out for a walk and he proposed - no bended knee , no velvet box with a ring - he just asked me to marry him & it was delightful. We had been together for a while & I think we had thought that was the way it was heading but lovely for him to do it just then. I have never ben made to feel like a chattel.

That said - had he produced a ring ( & my Dh has very many good qualities but choosing jewellery is not one ) I am not sure what I would have done. Actually - I do know - I would have said - such a lovely gesture but do you have the receipt ( dreadful woman me ) We went to choose the ring together and it was a nice afternoon. & I do think there is a happy medium between £45 - which is great if that is what you want - and £££s . When we had that very hot weather earlier my engagement ring felt very tight so I wore an amethyst ring my Granny had given me. I shouldn't think it was very expensive , but it did look nice.

SirenSays · 14/10/2022 02:56

From a practical stand point I doubt a 45 quid ring would last with daily wear without getting all scratched and damaged.

Liorae · 14/10/2022 03:18

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 02:27

I don't want my husband to treat me like I'm one of his mates. Like a genderless box. I'm his woman, his Queen, a powerful feminine force. Why would I accept treatment that values me as less?

Why not buy yourself a ring that celebrates your femininity instead of expecting a man to celebrate it for you?

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 03:20

Same reason I don't buy myself Christmas presents and wrap them up and put them under the tree. There's no fun, no spirit, no generosity in it.

Anyway we can agree to disagree 🕊

youlightupmyday · 14/10/2022 03:25

Caroffee · 13/10/2022 19:55

Right. So you have sympathy for a man for having MH issues but no sympathy for a woman whose hormonal changes will be affecting her mental and physical health? Attitudes like this underpin centuries of misogyny and patriarchy.

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That post irritated me too. Written just to hurt OP

youlightupmyday · 14/10/2022 03:30

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 02:22

Yes, I do actually. And I think even feminists can want to be celebrated as women.

Yep. A feminist here but loved my old engagement ring. Art deco, colourful. Expensive. It was harder to give up than my ex dh!

youlooklikeapenis · 14/10/2022 03:53

Foreverinblue · 13/10/2022 20:43

I may be being cynical and reading this wrong but I think it's more like he just used the 'I was going to propose but now I'm having second thoughts because you are somehow displeasing me' ploy in heat of an argument to somehow 'punish' you. However, you've taken it so literally, you're assuming it was something he was actually planning. But if that was the case, he'd know how much engagements could cost, how much his budget was etc. It's something he's said, then calmed down, had to convince you he meant the proposal by saying you could look at rings but now obviously feeling trapped or cornered, hence the reason why another argument came about when budgets were mentioned.

This exactly.

I wouldn't marry him as he sounds thoughtless and nasty. Dangling a proposal to get you to behave and then telling you to pick out your own £45 ring.

Also you can't discuss engagements on MN. The only acceptable way to get engaged is to have a very mild conversation where you both agree, tie a bread tie around your finger and call it a day. Romance of any sort is not allowed. Despite the fact that everyone in normal every day life wears rings - they do not on MN.

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 04:51

youlooklikeapenis · 14/10/2022 03:53

This exactly.

I wouldn't marry him as he sounds thoughtless and nasty. Dangling a proposal to get you to behave and then telling you to pick out your own £45 ring.

Also you can't discuss engagements on MN. The only acceptable way to get engaged is to have a very mild conversation where you both agree, tie a bread tie around your finger and call it a day. Romance of any sort is not allowed. Despite the fact that everyone in normal every day life wears rings - they do not on MN.

Show quote history

the rings thread shows very different. Grin

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/10/2022 05:34

So glad you've talked about it, OP.

1AngelicFruitCake · 14/10/2022 05:36

I’d been with my now husband a long time. He wanted to miss getting engaged 🙄😄 as didn’t see the point. I had to more or less force him to officially ask me😄 I would’ve loved a romantic proposal! I didn’t get it. He spent about £500/£600 on my ring which I think today would be closer to £800. That’s a decent amount of money to us.

I had to look at the bigger picture which was he was happy for us to get married and he went along with my dream of having a big wedding (100 people, big to us!) with lots of details. It was wonderful. We’ve now been married for 10 years, together for 20 and the engagement is just one tiny part of our history together.

PixelatedLunchbox · 14/10/2022 05:51

BigCheeseSandwich · 13/10/2022 20:00

“Every woman dreams about a romantic proposal”

No. Some of us prefer to discuss the idea of a lifelong commitment and come to an agreement as partners. More boring than a sign writing aeroplane but hey ho.

100%
We discussed getting married, and did.