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Original poster

Are those type of money chats strange?

185 replies

Furla22 · 13/10/2022 17:23

Please be gentle. I am a late 40s childless woman in a relationship with a man in his early 60s, he has adult children and young grandchildren. He has his property and planning to retire soon. I am happy in my job and work partly abroad. Due to my family arrangements (long story) I bought a large apartment cash and will be soon renovating. I also have other properties. We are not married. DP would like to get married. I don't. My DP is not happy that we keep our finances separate apart from household expenses. He often asks what my plans are with my other properties etc. We live together in a rental - (long story) it is due to work distance and convenience, all outcomes of covid. The apartment I bought I will be refurbishing from my own and my family money, it is in my name only. He wants to contribute to refurbishing (despite not planning to live there). DP also wants us to get back to his house. I don't, because it is his ex marital home, not much has changed there since his divorce over nearly 18 years . I do not feel I need to live there.
I also have an elderly mother (I am the only child) who has a comfortable place and I plan to look after her on a more structured basis. Cutting story short, I do not understand why my DP gets so angry at our finances being separate? Why does he want to contribute to a refurbishment of a property where his name is not on the deeds? Why does he push for marriage his age? There is a lot of 'money chats' around what my plans are. In all honesty I do not have many money plans as I still feel young and with time to make those decisions. DP gets very animated I do not want to consolidate any assets with him etc. Surely he should be happy I am not with him for money (his house/ pension) and take comfort from that rather than getting upset. I welcome your thoughts.

OP posts:
PixellatedPixie · 13/10/2022 17:27

It be sounds like he is being financially savvy and trying to make sure that if you break up he is entitled to half of everything you own. Sadly, that’s how it seems.

forgotoldusername · 13/10/2022 17:30

OP, RUN! He wants part of your assets. He's playing the long game. Tell him that you don't feel it or whatever. He is "grooming" you so he can get some or all of your properties. I would split today. I work in finance (I know this means little and I'm not in financial planning or all that) but this smells so badly!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/10/2022 17:30

Hmm, I think he's trying to ensure OP sticks around to become his carer.

FlowerArranger · 13/10/2022 17:33

PixellatedPixie · 13/10/2022 17:27

It be sounds like he is being financially savvy and trying to make sure that if you break up he is entitled to half of everything you own. Sadly, that’s how it seems.

This.

You're an investment for his future.

He wants a nurse with a purse...

DenholmElliot1 · 13/10/2022 17:35

Was just about to say " nurse with a purse" myself

Original poster
Furla22 · 13/10/2022 17:39

@DenholmElliot1 crossed my mind but this would only apply if we were married. As BF GF with everything separate we remain free.
Makes me wonder why for older man it is so important? They have their house (assets) and their pension, plus children so they can afford care or receive it for free from their offsprings. Why entangle a woman? but you girls are right, certainly started me thinking ...

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/10/2022 17:50

He's not just thinking of himself, I reckon he thinks his children will inherit from you. I'd run a mile from this one.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/10/2022 17:52

Tbh your age gap is too great now. You have a couple of great decades before retirement. Nurse with a purse sounds about right.

RosieRainbow1986 · 13/10/2022 17:55

It does seem that he wants to try and have some claim over your assets. I would continue to keep everything separate and make sure he doesn't contribute to any property you own. If he keeps persisting I'd seriously question his motives. Be careful!

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 13/10/2022 18:24

DenholmElliot1 · 13/10/2022 17:35

Was just about to say " nurse with a purse" myself

Me too.

bumpytrumpy · 13/10/2022 18:48

In 10 years you'll still be working age and he'll be needing more & more care. This is where age gaps fail in my opinion. He's trying to tie you together legally and financially to make it harder for you to leave him. Don't fall for it!

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 13/10/2022 18:49

DenholmElliot1 · 13/10/2022 17:35

Was just about to say " nurse with a purse" myself

Exactly this

I'd leave now while your in a rental and not married x

category12 · 13/10/2022 19:01

Yes, he wants you to commit, to make it harder to walk away.

If you're idealistic/romantic, you might decide it's just because he's older & insecure and feels marriage would strengthen your relationship.

If you're a bit cynical, you might decide it's because he wants to secure your financial and practical help in his old age.

Either way, if it's not what you want, you need to make it very clear and either he accepts it or you break up.

Rooster67 · 13/10/2022 19:05

As a friend's mum puts it, once some men reach a certain age, they're either looking for a nurse or a purse.

By pooling your assets and moving you into his house, sounds like this chap is hoping for both.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 13/10/2022 19:10

I've never heard of a nurse with a purse...I like it!!!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/10/2022 19:19

So you're tied to him and cant easily leave, not without great loss anyway. There is no love in that.

DuchessOfPort · 13/10/2022 19:23

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/10/2022 17:30

Hmm, I think he's trying to ensure OP sticks around to become his carer.

This. He wants you all embedded for 20 years’ time. And your ££ can help support you both.

Calandor · 13/10/2022 19:29

Sounds like you're his retirement plan tbh.

Ryder68 · 13/10/2022 19:36

Nurse with a purse.....retirement plan.....yes, it's all for his benefit, certainly not yours OP!

Original poster
Furla22 · 13/10/2022 20:06

Thank you all for the messages. Yes, all went through my mind. There is so much pressure in all that is said my end I feel like I am the mean one because I do not cave in. My DP says he is thinking about our future, he is making these suggestions because he wants the best for us. He shows off his pension nearly each week as for look what you will benefit from if you stay with me. I find it odd. I remain unimpressed but deep down inside it feels like some sort of advertising. The other odd thing I noticed is he constantly moans about money, how much everything costs, how we can not afford holiday how this how that. As for nurse - yes he already mentioned that I will obviously look after him when he is old and I said well I hope you children will because I am not married to you. Plus I asked - and who is going to look after me when I am old. Silence.

OP posts:
Ryder68 · 13/10/2022 20:31

Ugh, he's definitely laid his cards on the table hasn't he?

Ryder68 · 13/10/2022 20:34

I'm late 60s btw - with DC in their late 30s/early 40s. You're too young to saddle yourself with this potentially very grasping and entitled man.

Cloverforever · 13/10/2022 20:55

"Surely he should be happy I am not with him for money (his house/ pension) and take comfort from that rather than getting upset."

I think its clear that he's after Your money, rather than the other way around. He wants to spend money on your rental house so that when it's sold he can claim a share.

Newestname002 · 13/10/2022 22:13

Furla22 · 13/10/2022 17:39

@DenholmElliot1 crossed my mind but this would only apply if we were married. As BF GF with everything separate we remain free.
Makes me wonder why for older man it is so important? They have their house (assets) and their pension, plus children so they can afford care or receive it for free from their offsprings. Why entangle a woman? but you girls are right, certainly started me thinking ...

I strongly echo what everyone has said and take steps to ensure these future plans he has get no traction.

DP would like to get married. I don't. My DP is not happy that we keep our finances separate apart from household expenses.

What great plans he has for you, your future services and your money. And he's not hiding it well, is he? 🌹

bluedomino · 13/10/2022 22:31

I think I read too much crime as my thought was you may suffer a nasty accident after you married him!

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