Are those type of money chats strange?

[Furla22]

Please be gentle. I am a late 40s childless woman in a relationship with a man in his early 60s, he has adult children and young grandchildren. He has his property and planning to retire soon. I am happy in my job and work partly abroad. Due to my family arrangements (long story) I bought a large apartment cash and will be soon renovating. I also have other properties. We are not married. DP would like to get married. I don't. My DP is not happy that we keep our finances separate apart from household expenses. He often asks what my plans are with my other properties etc. We live together in a rental - (long story) it is due to work distance and convenience, all outcomes of covid. The apartment I bought I will be refurbishing from my own and my family money, it is in my name only. He wants to contribute to refurbishing (despite not planning to live there). DP also wants us to get back to his house. I don't, because it is his ex marital home, not much has changed there since his divorce over nearly 18 years . I do not feel I need to live there.
I also have an elderly mother (I am the only child) who has a comfortable place and I plan to look after her on a more structured basis. Cutting story short, I do not understand why my DP gets so angry at our finances being separate? Why does he want to contribute to a refurbishment of a property where his name is not on the deeds? Why does he push for marriage his age? There is a lot of 'money chats' around what my plans are. In all honesty I do not have many money plans as I still feel young and with time to make those decisions. DP gets very animated I do not want to consolidate any assets with him etc. Surely he should be happy I am not with him for money (his house/ pension) and take comfort from that rather than getting upset. I welcome your thoughts.

He probably can’t fully afford retirement and he’s wanting a boost from you.

Are you sure the assets he says are his and are not mortgaged etc. you could check the land registry. Some people are always looking for more so even if he does have assets he could be making arrangements for his kids now or later and looking to live off yours and for potentially his children to benefit from your estate too.

It really does seem he is being too pushy about joining your finances together. You are still young enough to have a family if you choose and sounds like you could afford to have a child without a partner. If you had a child and wrote a Will leaving everything to said child would he still be interested?

Echoing what everyone else is saying. He's got his beady eye on your assets for himself and his kids plus your help caring for him in time.

You're no age at all. You've got all the time and freedom to do anything you like: travel, study, make your new place exactly the home you want. Unless it's true love, which it doesn't sound like if he's being so grasping, then I wouldn't be tying myself down to someone so much older.

Never heard the term before now but my god it fits so well!

The fact that he gets "angry" about your finances being separate, is a huge red flag. They're actually NONE of his business. I would NOT accept any contribution from his towards ANY refurbishment or property-related payments, and I would definitely NOT align my finances with his on ANY level.

Was just thinking that. It's not too late to adopt!

Is his name Michael by any chance?

closeronline.co.uk/celebrity/news/lynda-bellingham-sons-slam-disrespectful-stepfather-michael-pattemore/

Question: why would some men get animated/ be pushy about merging finances , assets? I was always of an impression that having it all separate was what everyone wants, no?

Massive generalisation, but usually the person who brings less to the relationship financially is the one who pushes for finances to be merged, whether that's the man or the woman.

In your case, it's massively to his financial benefit to merge finances whereas you get nothing from it at all.

Honestly, you're young, independent and financially secure. You should be enjoying life, not feeling old before your time. If you're anywhere near the West Midlands, I'm happy to get you on a night out with me and my friends - we're all late 40s (albeit with kids) and we regularly have holidays, spa weekends, nights out in Birmingham, lunch dates etc etc together. We have a whale of a time and you'd be more than welcome - at the very least to show you there's more to life than being with an old man! (All our husbands are a similar age as us and definitely full of life!).

Life is too short Op - get rid of him! At the very least keep your financial independence.

The one who wants to merge is usually the one with less or who stands to gain more long term

I'd be suspicious that he has hidden debts and is trying to impress you with smoke and mirrors in order to obtain financial security via you.

Oh let him go, treat yourself to some lovely therapy to boost your confidence and help you see how much more the world has to offer you. Go on some fun singles holidays, go to a spa, go to a show. Let yourself engage in life again. Turn away from this man who is cross with you and grabby and making your future smaller and smaller.

You have brought up how you harbor resentment because he was not prepared to have children with you. If all of this is true, then you are right… he didn’t want to have children with you. Yet, YOU should understand that it was up to you. You could have walked away.

He isn’t doing anything for you so you need to cut bait.

Also, having going through fertility treatments and all of sundry I find your explanation here troubling.

He had a vasectomy? The snip? He had made a medical decision you were aware about because he didn’t want more children? You still went on with this old man….

Please for transparency, tell what medically in your early 40s you had as a test to tell if you “would have great results naturally.” There are women who read and I want them to understand the truth.

What exactly told you you’d have great medical results? Did that mean naturally or be IVF?

It all seems very clear to me that he's after your money 🤷🏼‍♀️

People have answered this for you many times.
It is because he wants your money.
Why are you refusing to see it?
Please find the strength to leave him before you waste more years of your life and are eventually trapped as his carer.
You could look into (single person) adoption now?

Yup, nurse with a purse! Come on OP he's not even subtle about it.

He's actually told you he expects you (not his adult children) to care for him in his old age.

He wants to marry you to get a 50% stake in your assets. Or at the very least get involved in the refurbishment so he can stake a claim.

He gets annoyed when you tell him you don't want to merge finances. Even resorting to insulting you by saying you are "irresponsible" with money (it doesn't sound like it with a range of assets and no debt!) Perhaps he's hoping you will say "oh gosh yes I'm hopeless with money, why don't you manage it for me?"

I bet his thought process is "well she has no children to inherit so makes perfect sense that mine can instead".

Ugh!

Ask him.
Why are you so caught with my finances?

I would be setting some clear boundaries now. Explain you have no plans to marry full stop. You have no need to at this juncture in your life. I’d also be thinking about where you want your money to go in the event of your death. then I’d take financial advice and wrap my properties up in a trust fund away from this chancer.

@Furla22 it sounds to me as though objectively, you have lots to offer a guy in his 40s or 50s who does not want any(more) kids, but you don’t seem to see it. perhaps your years with this geezer have diminish your sense of self-worth. I join the chorus saying you deserve better.

if you still want to have sex but don’t want a baby, and if you are financially self sufficient / not looking for someone to provide for you financially, then those two things alone will probably put you in the most attractive 10 or 20 percent of potential partners in that age range.

And if you do end up someone who sees you as a provider, at least pick a guy who’s fun to be with, hot in bed and a good cook! Not a dour-sounding git who does not make you feel good and has persuaded you to give up your wish to have children.

Even if you ‘set clear boundaries’ about not getting married or combining finances - if you also stay with him, then your behaviour will tell him he still has a good chance to get those boundaries removed, allowing you to make you into the carer for himself and provider for his kids (and himself?) that he seeks.

As a first step, is there a hobby you could rediscover where you would have fun and mix with people of both sexes? A musical or theatre ensemble? Sporting group? Charity volunteering doing something you enjoy?

You only get one life. Now go live it!

I had a boyfriend like that. He wanted to merge finances because that meant being a “real” family.
Also comments about money, about MY money and my family’s money way more often than about his. About what “we” should do with it.
That while he had no savings previous to the relationship. I thought it was odd. Eventually I saw how he boasted so much about properties and such that I realised he was just jealous and didn’t want to be less than I. In my eyes and in other people’s.
I gather he wasn’t like this with previous partners because their circumstances were more equal. In any case, the relationship didn’t work out. He wanted to micro manage what I did with my money but I could not have an opinion on many things he decided (like helping a lot of different family members financially-the reason why he had no savings btw).

Sorry, one more thing: I don’t think you need a trust fund if you stay unmarried and keep him away from you property. Trust funds cost fees and may cause loss of control of your assets. Don’t overcomplicate things. Your money is yours and for you. Keep it that way!

I think you've had a lot of food for thought here in terms of the relationship's future, and I agree.

I understand you're also interested in what your alternative life might look like outside of this relationship, and This is very valid because I think it's better to walk towards something you want than away from something you don't want.
I am your age and became separated 6 years ago, have been dating since. I never thought how much I actually had to offer until I tried it, my self esteem was low after a tricky period of marriage. Dating is a mixed bag but for about 4 of those years I spent time with a man a few years younger whose company I really enjoyed, I also enjoyed sex again (probably more than I ever did when younger). Ultimately it didn't work as we wanted different things, so I'm reassessing right now but hopeful.
In the past 6 years I have also made some very strong friendships, and joined a hobby so I always have people to hang out with, who value me for who I am. This is probably the most important point so I should have led with that!
You are financially independent! Congratulations, that's amazing. I'm almost there but I have a daughter and I'm balancing enjoying my life with making sure she is provided for. I would not get married again, the main reason is I would not compromise that (something I am careful not to say so baldly IRL). I have a friend who is 10years older than me, and well off without dependents. She doesn't work, spends time doing things she loves, including traveling extensively. This to me is the "gold standard", and this is the dream you could aim for if you wanted.
Both me & this friend want to find a man (each, obv) to do the fun things with, that's not the easy part but it's fun trying!

Sorry that was long, but I hope it gives you some insight as to how great your life might be if you dropped what sounds like a responsibility without much reward.

This thread isn't about children, or the lack of them, it is about finances. The OP doesn't have to share her medical history with you, and she can start another thread about her fertility if she wants to, instead of letting a side issue derail this thread.

OP you're in your 40's (young), own multiple properties (wealthy), recognise your DP is angling (smart) and are financially responsible (v.smart).

On the other hand your DP is pushing to merge your finances (he's cash short and sees your combined income as 'his' retirement pot), he wants to contribute to refurbishing a property he doesn't own (he's trying to establish a claim to the apartment) and gets angry when you won't go along with his plans to marry (red flag if ever there was one...he's angling for 50% of your property portfolio). He's bringing up the subject of money, debts, finances because he's cash short and wants to get his hands on yours. The 'ours' business and 'ours' baby...all to be funded by you, right?!

As you say, he already has assets. Let him go back home and invest his money there! And yes, his children will inherit your and your family's assets if you choose to marry him.

You have so much more ahead of you than an ageing gold-digger.

This is so sad OP. Please LTB. Not only does he see you as a cash cow. He denied you a child you so badly wanted. Worse still the relationship now is poor:

"think there is so much pension fund talk and retirement plan talk and no holiday talk, no fun light talk, no intimacy anymore,".

So no fun now. No sex? Why stay? That's not a loving relationship. You must know this deep down. Do you think you are in denial?

Me too.