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Original poster

Are those type of money chats strange?

185 replies

Furla22 · 13/10/2022 17:23

Please be gentle. I am a late 40s childless woman in a relationship with a man in his early 60s, he has adult children and young grandchildren. He has his property and planning to retire soon. I am happy in my job and work partly abroad. Due to my family arrangements (long story) I bought a large apartment cash and will be soon renovating. I also have other properties. We are not married. DP would like to get married. I don't. My DP is not happy that we keep our finances separate apart from household expenses. He often asks what my plans are with my other properties etc. We live together in a rental - (long story) it is due to work distance and convenience, all outcomes of covid. The apartment I bought I will be refurbishing from my own and my family money, it is in my name only. He wants to contribute to refurbishing (despite not planning to live there). DP also wants us to get back to his house. I don't, because it is his ex marital home, not much has changed there since his divorce over nearly 18 years . I do not feel I need to live there.
I also have an elderly mother (I am the only child) who has a comfortable place and I plan to look after her on a more structured basis. Cutting story short, I do not understand why my DP gets so angry at our finances being separate? Why does he want to contribute to a refurbishment of a property where his name is not on the deeds? Why does he push for marriage his age? There is a lot of 'money chats' around what my plans are. In all honesty I do not have many money plans as I still feel young and with time to make those decisions. DP gets very animated I do not want to consolidate any assets with him etc. Surely he should be happy I am not with him for money (his house/ pension) and take comfort from that rather than getting upset. I welcome your thoughts.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 14/10/2022 13:30

I feel like today this relationship has not got much to offer for me.
To be honest OP it sounds a bit dodgy. He is wheedling and angling! Glad you're not falling for his "advertising"... I'd go with your instincts.

Re what life has to offer, I met my now-DH at a music festival when I was in my mid-50s. Life has as much to offer as you let it. Flowers

Naunet · 14/10/2022 14:07

Leave him, he’s a drain on you, he’s all about what benefits him and I feel his behaviour around you wanting a baby is unforgivable. He didn’t have to have one if he didn’t want to, but he did have to be upfront and honest about it. Just think of the sort of life you could be living now

GurlwiththeCurl · 14/10/2022 14:21

OP, please get out of this relationship and go live an exciting and fulfilling life whilst you can! I was fit and healthy into my late forties and was planning all kinds of things for my retirement. But, in my early fifties, my health nosedived and I am now in my late sixties, bedridden with extremely poor health. I cannot even leave the house.

Please don’t wait any longer!

Homewardbound2022 · 14/10/2022 14:34

OP, you are not in the slightest bit naive.
You sound clued-in and very wise with a smart head on your shoulders.

Original poster
Furla22 · 14/10/2022 14:59

Thank you all so many valid comments and still coming. It all triggered my thinking. For example DP would say how I have this or that (property) but he has the same option - I told him he can also sell his place and invest in 2 or 3 smaller properties if he wants. I know he will not do it because I reckon he protects the house for his children's inheritance. I offered to open a business together some time ago but he wasn't interested, he wanted me to open it alone and he said he could come and help. whatever that means. To me open a business together means invest in a business we run together. That was years ago when he wasn't happy with his job. I tried.
If I am honest, I myself do not feel I have that much to offer to him as an unmarried woman but you opened my eyes I am actually a potential for him. I could just imagine situations where in the future he pressurises me to sell my properties to help out etc. If my imagination already goes there today than something is wrong. Tbh I always had that feeling for years, it was there in the air, the feeling of too much money talk too often. My DP also says more and more often how I am irresponsible with money, how I have a lax attitude, how I do not think about future, how it's all rosey for me because I have no debt etc. I think and I know that my family and I we were always about future and security. Not sure why he makes such comments.

OP posts:
Homewardbound2022 · 14/10/2022 15:04

You are of huge potential to him!
For starters, no children competing for your time or assets!

FlowerArranger · 14/10/2022 15:15

@Furla22 - you are in your prime!! Don't let him drag you down

Just imagine what you could do without his incessant criticism and money talk.

AriettyHomily · 14/10/2022 15:19

Oh op no, there's not much in this for you is there? Keep your independence and don't end up being a convenient carer for him in old age.

Do you have children, sorry if I missed it? Sonds like he is ringfencing for his but wants your assets to be open to him?

Mirrorcell · 14/10/2022 15:23

Add up your assets then add up his. This may tell you why he is so interested in marrying you.

Say you agree you have not been interested enough in your finances and are seeing a solicitor about putting all your assets into trust for your niece/nephew/sister etc and see what he says.

Original poster
Furla22 · 14/10/2022 15:26

@AriettyHomily thank you, no I have no children. I wanted them very much but he didn't and it got to the point it felt it was too late. I think it was dragged deliberately so that I miss my fertility window permanently and that be it. I think about it a lot - was it engineered, was I blind, naive? There were always reasons why the time was not right. For years there was always a lot of money talk but nothing was ever happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furla22 · 14/10/2022 15:28

@Mirrorcell I am the only child so all is mine.

OP posts:
AnnapurnaSanctuary · 14/10/2022 15:30

Oh OP I feel sad for you. This man robbed you of your last chance to have a baby, and now he's lining you up to be his carer (he even says so!!) and for his children to benefit from you financially. Ditch him OP, you can find someone that deserves you or just have fun on your own.

bobtheveryoldBuilder · 14/10/2022 15:34

He’s not even nice to you AND stopped you having a child that you wanted.

‘My DP also says more and more often how I am irresponsible with money, how I have a lax attitude, how I do not think about future, how it's all rosey for me because I have no debt etc. I think and I know that my family and I we were always about future and security. Not sure why he makes such comments.’

He’s a massive selfish arse. Does he do anything for you?
please start thinking about leaving him. You owe him nothing at all. You could just leave him in the rental and move back to one of your properties. Put yourself first please

Ofcourseshecan · 14/10/2022 15:35

OP, you're young and if you're not in love you should be free! At your age I was having lots of silly carefree fun with my new DH.

He sounds like a drain on your energy and happiness, and given half a chance he'll be a drain on your finances too. So sorry to hear he (unintentionally???) stopped you having a baby.

I myself do not feel I have that much to offer to him as an unmarried woman with money, several properties, earning potential, youthful energy, a caring nature (evidenced by your plan to care for your mother), no pesky children or other relatives wanting your money or attention ..... No, can't understand what he sees in you, OP! 🤔

EndlessMagpies · 14/10/2022 15:36

Add up your assets and then add up his. This may tell you why he is so interested in marrying you...

Yes, and don't just add up your own assets, you're an only child. Add your mother's assets in too.

Not that I am a cynic or anything.

Talipesmum · 14/10/2022 15:38

It does sound like he’s being very open. He’s been really clear about what he wants - I guess it’s up to you to decide if you want that as well. He’s shown you all his financial hand, and is perhaps trying to prove to you that it’s not because he needs you financially that he’s asking - he sounds like he’s trying to demonstrate it’s not because of that. And it’s not inconceivable that he wants to marry to you spend the rest of his life with you, because of you. You said you’re too young to be thinking about retirement etc - but he isn’t, it’s not wrong for him to be talking about pensions, retirement - it’s very sensible of him.

Everyone seems to think he’s got a hidden agenda. I think his agenda is quite clear, and it isn’t necessarily nefarious, but you don’t have to agree to it if that’s not what you want. Trust your gut as well.

geonosis · 14/10/2022 15:41

Stay separate and independent! You never know in older age whether care finances will be needed either so stay financially separate!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 14/10/2022 15:42

God he sounds awful. Run a bloody mile. You have years left before you're retiring, enjoy it!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/10/2022 15:56

There's someone better out there for you
You've worked for all you have, shut any further money chats down, look to the future without him dragging you down

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 14/10/2022 16:00

‘My DP also says more and more often how I am irresponsible with money, how I have a lax attitude, how I do not think about future, how it's all rosey for me because I have no debt etc. I think and I know that my family and I we were always about future and security. Not sure why he makes such comments.’

This is a contradiction? On the one hand he's saying you're irresponsible and then saying it's all rosey for you as you have no debt. Someone with no debt and a few investment properties is not irresponsible with money. He's calling you irresponsible because he doesn't want you to spend any more of what he sees as his.

It doesn't really need saying again, but leave and live a wonderful life without this drain holding you back.

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 16:27

You mentioned debt. Does he have debt?

EndlessMagpies · 14/10/2022 16:27

how it's all rosey for me because I have no debt etc

That is not the sort of thing that one debt-free person says to another. You are debt-free, but er... what about him?

EndlessMagpies · 14/10/2022 16:29

@missmamiecuddleduck snap!

bingbummy · 14/10/2022 16:44

I mean he's said he wants you to care for him when older.

No thank you! You're caring for your mum, he can rely on the children we assume would want to care for their dad because he was a great dad who they loved.

loottie · 14/10/2022 17:15

To be honest he's very clear that he wants a nurse with a purse.

So when you finish your caring for you DM, you'll get to care for him too.

Great.

Or you could leave him to it, he's shown you who he is, and you have way more to offer than him.

In your shoes I would look into adopting a child and building your own family.

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