Are those type of money chats strange?

[Furla22]

Please be gentle. I am a late 40s childless woman in a relationship with a man in his early 60s, he has adult children and young grandchildren. He has his property and planning to retire soon. I am happy in my job and work partly abroad. Due to my family arrangements (long story) I bought a large apartment cash and will be soon renovating. I also have other properties. We are not married. DP would like to get married. I don't. My DP is not happy that we keep our finances separate apart from household expenses. He often asks what my plans are with my other properties etc. We live together in a rental - (long story) it is due to work distance and convenience, all outcomes of covid. The apartment I bought I will be refurbishing from my own and my family money, it is in my name only. He wants to contribute to refurbishing (despite not planning to live there). DP also wants us to get back to his house. I don't, because it is his ex marital home, not much has changed there since his divorce over nearly 18 years . I do not feel I need to live there.
I also have an elderly mother (I am the only child) who has a comfortable place and I plan to look after her on a more structured basis. Cutting story short, I do not understand why my DP gets so angry at our finances being separate? Why does he want to contribute to a refurbishment of a property where his name is not on the deeds? Why does he push for marriage his age? There is a lot of 'money chats' around what my plans are. In all honesty I do not have many money plans as I still feel young and with time to make those decisions. DP gets very animated I do not want to consolidate any assets with him etc. Surely he should be happy I am not with him for money (his house/ pension) and take comfort from that rather than getting upset. I welcome your thoughts.

"DP would like to get married. I don't. My DP is not happy that we keep our finances separate apart from household expenses"

He had told you everything you need to know about him. When people show you who they are, believe them!

Don’t consider getting married to him, he seems to be incredibly focused on your money and property. Is there a risk you could end up caring for him and your mum at the same time?

I'm not sure how invested you are in this relationship but it doesn't sound like it's going to go the distance.

@AmIbeingTreasonable can you elaborate please. I think I know what you mean but often it is better when a stranger says it. Thank you.

Thank you all. I think a lot to think about. I feel very naive despite my age. @LimpBiskit scary as it is, it worries me.
Someone here on the thread mentioned they watch a lot of crime series and what if I get married and suffer a terrible accident.

Those who said I have many years to go really lifted me because I often feel very deflated and overwhelmed. I thought the age gap would be great when we met and that he will celebrate me, that we (back in a day) move into his house (no claim on anything from me) and it will be fun. When I realised he doesn't want to refurbish much (after ex) plus it was too remote I decided to pass on living there. Felt weird. Strange energy. I was in my early 40s when we met and wanted a baby but it never happened because he didn't want it. I feel like today this relationship has not got much to offer for me. Am I just moaning or other see the same? Maybe some of you could share what has life got on offer for independent late 40s early 50s girls. I so look forward to some joy and refreshing ideas. X

Totally agree with this & he's looking to get his hands on your purse!

The top paragraph in quote marks is the op's words. My comment below just sums it up.

OP - you really let him drag to feeling old and ready to retire. He is, you are not.
A lot of women your age enjoy life and are having a lot of fun doing it.
You are not old yet!!!! You are financially stable, you don’t have many commitments - bar taking care of your mother, that many people also do.
So - why are you not dating someone who can match your energy what not plan for imminent retirement and arranging care.

Dump the guy and look for someone more your age to have fun with.

You are still so young! Whether or not you find someone else you have so much going for you! Alot more than your DP and alot more than with your DP.

He has blantantly said that he wants you to nurse him and financially look after him! So your life and what you want is of no consequence? He is such a catch you should sign up to 20 years of nursing and pursing. Yeah, right.

I read something the other day about independent women and how some men cannot cope with it because you have your own place, you have your own money, you will never be stuck so they have to really step up. I'm in my 50s and completely independent. Experience has taught me that sometimes it is better to be alone.

Walk away, my friend was in a similar relationship with a much older man who sadly became ill and she was then his carer ... he died and she is now loving her single life (incidentally he left her nothing - it all went to his DC and ex wife ... fortunately she is financially independent). Another friend is in a similar position with a very miserly old man, she is not financially independent so feels she has no choice but to stay with him ... her life is horrible, cleaning up after him (he is incontinent) whilst he still demands sexual favours. Gross.

Walk away.

You're young and vibrant and sounds like he is dragging you down with his old fuddy duddy ways.

Plus he clearly sees you as his retirement plan. The money plus you being his carer. Wow what a deal! Nurse with a purse! Where does every woman sign up!

End it with him asap. Find yourself someone 5 years younger or so and have a blast. You deserve it.

Yep, he sounds like a good digger and user, and frankly, if you want a gold digger, you could get someone a lot young 😄

I’m not seeing what you’re getting from this relationship, what’s in it for you?

Ugh, your poor friend trapped with that man. I hope she finds a way out.

This.

Run for the hills!

And don't divulge your finances and property holdings to your next boyfriend.

I’m married and I’d like separate finances. Stick to your guns !

'DP gets very animated I do not want to consolidate any assets with him etc.'

Anyone who gets 'animated' over something I've decided for myself would get the elbow. So very obviously has his own interests in mind here. Get rid.

THANK YOU! Almost every response has been 'you are too young' and if I told you being late 40s I feel kind of old you probably wouldn't be surprised. I know I said I feel young and I do deep down inside; I know I still have the zest for life and crave fun but on the surface I feel I am overwhelmed and tired.
I think there is so much pension fund talk and retirement plan talk and no holiday talk, no fun light talk, no intimacy anymore, I often ask myself is that it for me? Are other mid-late 40s living in this type of no intimacy, pension talk relationships?

NB: I remember when in my early 40s DP became a grandfather and that was same time I was very focused on telling him how much I want us to have a baby. That moment when he found out he is going to be GD completely crushed me because I realised omg he is the age he could be one and I am the age I want us to create our little family. I was so hopeful back then and so naive. He was suppose to see doctors about his snip and explore options. Due to age, IVF seemed the only option for him. I had great medical results despite my age then and was told I alone wouldn't need IVF at all. Then the IVF cost came to play and I was suppose to pay for it. My heart sunk. Even today years after, I think wow what a story and your comments just help compartmentalise it all. @Ragwort your comment really resonates with me, I often think about it - what will happen then. Partly a reason I did not want to get married was to protect my assets. I felt having separate properties and finances where he has children and grand children is wise. The benefit would lay on the other side because if I died his children would get all that is mine too.

I think this. He sees you as being able to help out his kids in the long term because you don't have your own children to inherit your properties.

Odd too that he doesn’t want to renovate his own house but wants to be involved in your flat renovations.
Sorry, OP, you’re his financial cushion. He wants you to marry, what is to then stop him giving all his money/assets over to his children “to save inheritance tax” then he is entitled to 50% of everything you own if he decides the marriage doesn’t work?
Id keep the finances very, very separate, don’t marry and enjoy what you have money wise.

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm this! It crossed my mind many times. I said many times to him well you know I am scared that if we marry and you die your children will ask me to move out from our marital home/ his home the next day. Apparently it can all be arranged legally that it will not happen. I have heard too many stories where childless women contributed to a household for years caring for a husband and then when he passed away there was nothing left for them. Children had free care for their parent and that was it off you go into the sunset woman. DP often says how I will benefit from his pension if I marry him but I want to enjoy life today when I am still healthy and open to exciting things. I do not want to think about what his pension is going to cover for me in 20 or 25 years. Who knows what will happen.

He's trying to engineer a share of your properties in these " money chats..
He's in his 60's so is likely thinking of his future needs.. maybe even his funded Nurse
I'm sorry to say but I'd dump him
No wonder he wants to get married He has an ulterior motive

What a boring self centred old bloke. You can do much better than than someone else’s grandpa.

Fuck that shit, dump him & move on, you're a young successfully financial & independent woman.

You are young and financially independent but now saddled with a much older man making demands on you. Think what life you could live if he was not there, adventure and fun.