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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
I6344 · 12/10/2022 16:20

I'm so sorry OP. I would leave my DH so fast. Stay strong, do not let him gaslight you. They're 10000000% having an affair. I don't text any of my friends the way that they've been texting. Imo they've probably at a minimum kissed. He may think it's not cheating if they didn't have intercourse, some people are dumb like that. Sending a virtual hug Flowers

UniversalAunt · 12/10/2022 16:20

@morningskye76 our posts have crossed in the ether.

You are not his special woman.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 16:20

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 16:18

@Liz1tummypain I could've if it had been a one off mistake.
I don't think I could trust him again.
The content of the messages (aside from the sexual ones) make me truly believe he sees her as something special and I've always promised myself that I couldn't play number 2 for anyone.

I gave this advice to a friend years ago and try to stand by it.

I will be heartbroken but I know I deserve better

You absolutely DO deserve better, I'm glad you know that and make sure that you repeat that back to yourself when things are getting tough

VeridicalVagabond · 12/10/2022 16:21

Hugs OP.

I'm sorry your husband is a catastrophic arsehole.

Ofcourseshecan · 12/10/2022 16:21

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 12/10/2022 16:07

I would make a list somewhere safe of all the things you can remember about the messages, content that you've mentioned on here and detail you wouldn't put on here, dates and times if you can remember, pictures from each.

Make a doc basically in case you can't get sight of the messages again.

The more detail you have the harder it is for you to tell yourself, or him to tell you, that it was nothing.

Good idea. Anyphots or screen shots you can get too. He’s obviously going to try to brazen this out.

I wonder if the reason the OW’s husband doesn’t join in with the group is that he knows or suspects what’s going on?

Ofcourseshecan · 12/10/2022 16:22

Anyphots - Any photos …

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 16:22

Liz1tummypain · 12/10/2022 16:15

Oh god. Definitely looks bad. Could you forgive him?

How can you forgive a person who doesn't even admit they've done something wrong (and presumably haven't even said they will stop doing it)?

Liz1tummypain · 12/10/2022 16:25

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 16:18

@Liz1tummypain I could've if it had been a one off mistake.
I don't think I could trust him again.
The content of the messages (aside from the sexual ones) make me truly believe he sees her as something special and I've always promised myself that I couldn't play number 2 for anyone.

I gave this advice to a friend years ago and try to stand by it.

I will be heartbroken but I know I deserve better

Yes, you do deserve better. Sorry I can't be any help. Try and stay positive and don't let him try twisting it into anything less than it obviously is. Sending you hugs !

DahliaDreamer · 12/10/2022 16:25

OP you do deserve better and the fact that he can't even own up to what he's doing says he doesn't respect you let alone love you. If it were me there would be no coming back from this. He's not even asking forgiveness, he's just being nasty. Get rid

LaBaby72 · 12/10/2022 16:26

Close friends don’t flirt like that, they have crossed a line.

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 16:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OopsAnotherOne · 12/10/2022 16:28

As others have said OP, there's not even the question of "can you forgive him" as he hasn't acknowledged any wrongdoing, he hasn't apologised and he hasn't asked for forgiveness. He's been nothing but nasty and cruel to you following the discovery of your affair and now you need to ask yourself, even if he did ask for forgiveness, would you really want to forgive him having seen how he has been now?

SomeCleverUsername · 12/10/2022 16:32

He is absolutely brazen to say that you getting upset at him sending another woman naked photos of himself and telling her how he'd like to shag her is blowing things out of proportion! 😮

I don't know any 'friends' who would send messages like that.

Have you asked him how he'd feel if you were messaging another man like that?

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 16:35

I did say that. He said that banter and talking to friends isn't a problem. And that if it were reversed he wouldn't have an issue as men and women can be friends

OP posts:
iloveyankeecandle · 12/10/2022 16:36

Someone further up suggested sharing the messages with her husband. I think this is a fantastic idea! If it's just banter then let's see what her husband thinks!

bewarethetides · 12/10/2022 16:40

I'd tell him to go and tell him you're contacting her husband to let him know about the inappropriate messaging between your husband and his wife.

I couldn't come back from that.

OopsAnotherOne · 12/10/2022 16:42

I'm another vote for "tell her husband". He doesn't deserve to be in the dark about his wife's behaviour any more than you did.

MrMucker · 12/10/2022 16:42

...or you could start sending your own inappropriate messages to her husband

Topgub · 12/10/2022 16:43

Is he confident her husband feels the same?

SomeCleverUsername · 12/10/2022 16:43

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 16:35

I did say that. He said that banter and talking to friends isn't a problem. And that if it were reversed he wouldn't have an issue as men and women can be friends

That is a huge lie on his part, he can't honestly claim that he'd be OK with you joking about getting on your knees with another man and sending intimate photos.

I agree with the other posters, you can't even think about forgiving or not forgiving if he won't even admit what a betrayal he's committed.

Righthandcider · 12/10/2022 16:46

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 16:35

I did say that. He said that banter and talking to friends isn't a problem. And that if it were reversed he wouldn't have an issue as men and women can be friends

Didn't he tell her they were "more than friends"?

He's treating you as if you're daft. Which you clearly aren't. X

Luckymummytoone · 12/10/2022 16:47

How awful for you OP. Sending you hugs and strength. Please don’t forgive him :(
stay strong! Sounds like they’re both in pretty deep! X

Thatboymum · 12/10/2022 16:52

1000% leave him. He’s shown you your worth and how little he respects you.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/10/2022 16:53

Oh I think he would have an issue at this kind of chat.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/10/2022 16:54

Have you spoken to her?

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