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Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 19:40

Hello all.

He is in no way apologetic. Basically he's said I'm causing drama for attention as usual.
He's told a friend what's going on (his truth) and the friend messaged and said they aren't getting involved.
So don't know what he's said tbh I don't care.

Thinking back it explains why he always mentioned her, wanted to invite them over, meet up at Christmas

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/10/2022 19:46

I'm not sure what's worse - that he's done it in the first place, that he's tried denying it's an issue or that he's trying to blame you for him not having the opportunity to meet up with her.

Quite bluntly, I genuinely believe you'd be daft to let this go and have him back.

Topgub · 12/10/2022 19:53

Op, your oh doesn't seem to like you very much sadly.

Whether that's because of the affair or not is irrelevant.

Get some support from your friends and family and get your finances sorted

MrsGhandi · 12/10/2022 20:02

He is being an absolute shite - he's panicking ( they always do) and try to bluff their way out of it. You've seen the evidence and from what you say it was only time before it starts with the little kisses etc and then the rest. Been there and got the t shirt. Mine begged to stay and I stupidly let him. He then shat all over me a couple of years later. I am so happy that I am not with him now but it was a hard path to walk. Best of luck - take your time and don't be rushed into making any decisions.

LemonDrop22 · 12/10/2022 20:20

Emotional affair.

Heavy flirtation.

When discovered, followed by the predicable gas lighting & character assassination.

I think you know but just in case you don't .... He's been unfaithful in everything except (apparent) physical interaction. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and inappyon a monogamous relationship.

You are not in any way dramatic, attention seeking, ott or anything.

He's a c*#t to say that at all but let alone in these circumstances.

Frankly he's lucky he's not out on his arse.

LemonDrop22 · 12/10/2022 20:25

Oh and if like to see how he felt and what he'd have to say if he discovered messaging of that level and nature between you and another man including flirtation and sexual innuendo.

Tell him you're glad he thinks it's all ok and he's been very clear about he thinks is appropriate behaviour in a relationship, you now know the bar for your interaction with other men.

Also if she had a husband of partner and you gave screenshots of those messages - particularly the innuendo pertaining to oral sex etc ... I'd be forwarding them to him ... Or at the very least asking him what he thinks her husband's reaction what be to them. Is he "dramatic and attention seeking" too??

supercali77 · 12/10/2022 20:31

Of course he'll say that, he doesnt want to be kicked out. As someone else said, if its just banter, send it to her husband. See how that works out

Stomacharmeleon · 12/10/2022 21:29

@morningskye76 I am so sorry he is choosing to behave like this.
My father had an affair after being a pretty shit husband to my mother after 32 years. What she found the hardest (and was the most distressing to watch) was the fact he made her doubt herself and reality. She KNEW he was playing away and yet he got angry, annoyed with her and made out she was nuts.
She was far from it.
And it's such a cruel thing to do to someone you purport to love.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/10/2022 21:52

I would have zero self restraint and she would most certainly be feeling my wrath

He would be receiving divorce papers to accompany his share of the wrath

Fuckers. The pair of them.

I'd tell her husband too.

EndlessMagpies · 12/10/2022 21:53

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 19:40

Hello all.

He is in no way apologetic. Basically he's said I'm causing drama for attention as usual.
He's told a friend what's going on (his truth) and the friend messaged and said they aren't getting involved.
So don't know what he's said tbh I don't care.

Thinking back it explains why he always mentioned her, wanted to invite them over, meet up at Christmas

Oh - so he's getting his version of the story in first, is he?

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 12/10/2022 22:24

If you haven't got screenshots, I'd make a note of everything you can remember.
I know that sounds awful to do, but when the shock fades, some of the details will too. If you make notes of any times, dates, inappropriate remarks, you have them recorded for when he makes it sound like you're being 'dramatic' to you/friends/family...

Pixiedust1234 · 12/10/2022 22:58

Uh oh hes doubling down by telling someone else his side. That means he's telling them you are crazy. I'm sorry but there's no going back now as I would never be able to trust him. Hes a twister (always your fault).

Depending on how angry you feel. Kick him out, contact other husband and let him decide on his own marriage, start divorce.

owowowo · 12/10/2022 23:29

Yeah... he's a cunt.

JudyGemstone · 12/10/2022 23:48

He’s really treating you with utter contempt here. Most people would treat a casual acquaintance with more respect than this, let alone they’re own partner.

Oh and it’s not some mad love between them, it’s narcissistic projection and isn’t real. The real him is one you see now.

Geppili · 13/10/2022 00:42

"He's said in message did wouldn't actually do anything physical because of the kids but he's thought about and the little comments. And the fact it looks like he has so much affection.."

Text book emotional affair.

MsDogLady · 13/10/2022 01:25

MorningSkye, you’ve made it crystal clear to H that you won’t be cowed by his bullying damage-control tactics. He and OW can deny til the cows come home, but you know the extent of this betrayal and what it means to you. That you have shown him the door speaks volumes.

H’s contempt and lack of remorse shows that he checked out a good while ago. He and OW were counting on you and her H staying blind to their sneaky affair. This unsuspecting man deserves to know about ‘You’re my person’…’I want you on your knees’…and all the other sex talk, photos, and inappropriate emotional intimacy embraced in their chat. He needs to be made aware of their simmering undercurrent when the families get together or when OW shows up to ‘help.’ Then he can make informed choices, as you are.

In your shoes, I’d be speaking to a solicitor to investigate my options. I would also check out the Just Found Out section of the Surviving Infidelity website.

MsDogLady · 13/10/2022 01:36

…show that he

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 06:57

Ha message the friend back and tell them that they and you clearly have different lines in the sand. Tell them that to you, sending underwear shots, calling each other key names and 'my person' and discussing what sexual activities they would like to indulge in with each other aren't acceptable. See what 'friend' says as no doubt this isn't what they have been told by dh

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 13/10/2022 07:20

Honestly don't care what he says to the others to minimise events and disparage you. You know the truth and it's enough for you to end the marriage over if you want.

Panicking about what he's telling people or getting in to a battle over who's version of events everyone believes will just tear you apart and make you lose sight of what is important: separating yourself from the cruel man as painlessly as possible and keeping things amicable for your kids.

I would personally tell the OH's husband, but only because he deserves to know.

Crimsoncupcakes · 13/10/2022 07:25

He’s gaslighting you. 100%. He’s planning on you sitting back down and shutting your mouth when he’s calling you over dramatic and saying it’s all in your head.
He is having an emotional affair with this woman. You sound like you acknowledge the facts. You absolutely deserve so much better. I’d also be kicking the woman out if my life, she’s no better than him.
Onwards and upwards hun, those two deserve each other.

mothertrucking · 13/10/2022 07:33

Echoing what others have said, he's 100% gaslighting you, stick your guns and do not let him minimise what he's been doing.

Personally I would message the OW and tell her what I thought of her, but I'd do that after I'd explained what's been going on to her husband.

I've been in your shoes my ex P was the same it was all in my head, I was controlling of him etc, etc
The best thing I ever did was get rid of him!

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 08:23

Ha message the friend back and tell them that they and you clearly have different lines in the sand. Tell them that to you, sending underwear shots, calling each other key names and 'my person' and discussing what sexual activities they would like to indulge in with each other aren't acceptable. See what 'friend' says as no doubt this isn't what they have been told by dh

ClawedButler · 13/10/2022 11:29

Yes - anything he says now will be calculated to benefit him - to discredit you and paint himself as hero/victim.

Let him. The truth always comes out - you know the truth, and at some point so will everyone else.

He knows this and it terrifies him - so he's in full damage control mode now. You're mad, you're "on one", he's relieved to get away from you etc. All the products of fear, and all complete balls.

Don't engage with the balls. If you feel you have to respond, a simple, "Well, that's your opinion" or "Okey dokey then" or even just "Uh huh" will suffice. Don't get drawn into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of it all - he's crossed your line, and that's all there is to it. His thoughts on the whole thing are utterly irrelevant - he's crossed YOUR line.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 11:34

Well it turns out they have been in daily contact since at least before covid ( by that I mean the daily messages etc.) Even when she wasn't in the country.
She apparently started the inappropriate conversations although I doubt it.

This has come from someone who apparently knew they were speaking the whole time. And had seen them in the local town more than once.

OP posts:
larkstar · 13/10/2022 11:48

morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 11:34

Well it turns out they have been in daily contact since at least before covid ( by that I mean the daily messages etc.) Even when she wasn't in the country.
She apparently started the inappropriate conversations although I doubt it.

This has come from someone who apparently knew they were speaking the whole time. And had seen them in the local town more than once.

..and what do you think of the person that never mentioned it to you? Has it changed your feelings towards them?