Husband and his messages

[morningskye76]

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

😂 can you send her husband a picture of you showing him tattoo placements

And he wouldn't have minded in the slightest if you send other men underwear pictures under the guise of "tattoo placements?". We both know he's lying, he knows he's lying, don't let him make you doubt yourself, you sound intelligent and he's trying to make you forget that x

I would make a list somewhere safe of all the things you can remember about the messages, content that you've mentioned on here and detail you wouldn't put on here, dates and times if you can remember, pictures from each.

Make a doc basically in case you can't get sight of the messages again.

The more detail you have the harder it is for you to tell yourself, or him to tell you, that it was nothing.

I did have to hold back a laugh when he said that tbh.
Especially as he only has 2. On his arms.

wow that's about the same level of "cunning" as you sending undie shots to a man then explaining to your H he just wanted to know where your dimple was

I am going to. I'm trying to stay rational and calm about it and not give him anything he can use against me

"I promise DP, I only sent the younger attractive man a photo of my arsecheeks because I wanted a tattoo there" - see how that sounds? Why didn't he ask your opinion on tattoo rather than sending underwear photos to a family friend? I mean, we know the answer, but it's ridiculous for him to try and expect you to believe that for a second.

Every post showed him as a dick, but this is contemptuous.

I can't imagine how you recover this 😟

She did ask if I (or anyone) knows he messages her. He responded that no one knows and doesn't need too.

That says it all. I’m so sorry, OP. What an arrogant bastard, trying to gaslight you as well. Well done for refusing to accept his lies.

I just the same story if she's a close friend so of course I asked her advice

So sorry OP
He's definitely having an emotional affair, don't let them make a fool of you any longer. I echo what other posters have said, if it's so innocent he won't mind her husband seeing them will he.
What a bastard, kick him and her to the curb

You asked the other woman for advice?

So what are you going to do OP? I think it's pretty clear you're not happy about it. Sounds awful. But you will probably be happier on your own!

No sorry. His reply to when I asked about the tattoo photo was "she's a close friend I asked her advice"
Not me.

You're not blowing anything out of proportion, what they have been doing is totally out of order, and wrong. Now he is being so horrible and cold to you to try to manipulate you.

Emotional affair I’m afraid.

Fuck him for minimising it, and fuck your ‘friend’. Have you talked to her husband, see if he thinks it’s nothing?

That's him minimising. He sent her an inappropriate underwear photo, he didn't "ask" for her advice. You can't trust this man to be honest with you.

I can't see a way back from this. I am a rational person and would tell anyone else not to accept this.
This is just a cherry on the cake. And I'm not questioning everything

Oh god. Definitely looks bad. Could you forgive him?

You are right OP, you would counsel a friend not to accept this and not to believe his ridiculous comments now

There doesn't have to be a way back from this. You don't have to go back to him or make the relationship work, if that's not what you want. You can seperate, you can be apart from him, you can get divorced. The cards are totally in your hands now, you are in control, and once he has left the house you will have peace and quiet to consider your options carefully. You owe them nothing, your DH has treated you appallingly so you do not need to consider him in your future decisions, only yourself. What will make you happy? How do you your future? What he wants and what makes him happy shouldn't matter to you anymore, not after he has done this.

Wow, OP. That's horrendous. I'm so sorry.

Get your ducks in a row and divorce him.

Tell everyone why. Everyone.

@Liz1tummypain I could've if it had been a one off mistake.
I don't think I could trust him again.
The content of the messages (aside from the sexual ones) make me truly believe he sees her as something special and I've always promised myself that I couldn't play number 2 for anyone.

I gave this advice to a friend years ago and try to stand by it.

I will be heartbroken but I know I deserve better

From what you say @morningskye76 he’s not really in your side, much of a friend to you let alone a good loving husband.

Can you see things getting better between you?
Finding your way back to each other?

He does not seem to be concerned or ruffled that you are now aware that he is far closer & affectionate with another woman than with you?
Has he some reason to think that you don’t matter in this?
That you won’t take action to end the marriage?

It sounds like he does just this side of enough to stay married, to not be entirely awful enough for you to reject him or end it.

@morningskye76 does he offer you anything special ?

So he's saying its nothing
But if its not nothing, its not his fault
And if its not his fault its yours?

Is that the gist of it?