Leaving DP in secret but so worried

[Runningaway21]

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

Wishing you strength.
Don't let him find out.
Act normal.
Cover your tracks.
My x found out and got physical not his usual MODUS operandi but BE VERY CAREFUL.
log out of mumsnet.
Act normal.
Xxxxxx

Change your number when you leave or you will be treated to a deluge of manipulation.

Bon Courage
X

Put a redirect on your mail.

Good luck - I don’t have much to advise but could you do a Royal Mail redirection (just for your name) for a few months, just in case anything with your new address on came to your old address while you’re transferring everything? I did this recently when we moved and you had the option of just selecting one person, not the whole family.

Can you use a family's address for the car insurance

Or ask them to tick "no correspondence:.

Perhaps ring womens aid, I’m sure they will have encountered this problem.

best of luck.

Just be aware with a mail redirection Royal Mail write to your old address with the confirmation so check carefully if/how you set it up. I don't remember if there's a way to avoid that in DV cases.

Try act as normal and calm as possible. Contact the DVLA and tell them under no certain terms do they send confirmation of dress change to your old address due to extreme circumstances.
Do you have a place you could start to drop some things off, maybe a friend, or family member? Discreetly? Things like photos, passport, sentimental things he wouldn’t notice are gone?
Be very patient with yourself, it’s ok to have a wobble. Be kind to yourself most of all, what a huge relief you’ll feel once your gone and gone for good out of his life.
Sending lots of love and positivity your way and please keep us updated on how you get on x

Hey OP, sending you hugs. Maybe call the DVLA and your car insurance once you've moved and explain the situation and see if you can avoid them sending anything to your old address?

Thank you all so much.
I can’t insure my car at another address because it has to be the address your license is and v5.
I thought of redirecting mail but I was told about them writing to your old address to confirm so won’t be doing that.
It makes me feel physically sick thinking of him ever having my address.

There will be a way round this. I don't know what it is, but someone will.

Are you in contact with womens aid?

Yes, I moved last year and royal mail will send confirmation of your redirection to to your old address. I set my redirection to my parents house as I stayed with them for a few weeks while house hunting. Do you have a relative or friend you could trust to do this for you and you collect your post from them (you don't even need to tell them your new address if you're concerned about your ex getting it out of them somehow). Wait till you've moved to sort out the driving license. I believe you have 90 days to do it (but check as I could be wrong)

Wishing you strength and happiness in your new life x

Yes I am slowly moving a few things out that he won’t notice and my friend has kindly let me leave some stuff at her house.
I could try snd contact dvla and insurance asking them not to write to me at my old address, but it only takes one mistake for it to all go wrong. I remember doing that when my DM died and I asked for everything to be sent to my address but some things still went to her in error.

www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2022/03/11/online-safety-domestic-abuse/
The above link has useful info.

I wish you all the best, my father was abusive and my NPD mother never left him.
I suffered 19 years of his abuse, he was a disgusting human.

You are doing the right thing.

Remain strong.

Yes, when you redirect they do send a letter to your original house first to make sure you are the one asking for the redirection.

I don't know the answer to this, but try calling them, and woman's aid. There has to be ways round this. Good luck with it all.

Congratulations OP, and good luck.

As a DVLA address, or even for your all post, you could use a mail agency like CSNotepad who scan all your post to email for you?

Could you use a PO Box address temporarily or some other interim online address and change anything that might come in writing, twice? Or do the post office have an option to keep your mail and you collect it from somewhere? I know it's a pain and more expensive but it would be better him knowing your temporary PO box address rather than your physical address

Royal Mail have two options for this - redirection of mail and setting up a PO Bix for mail. Standard practice is to send confirmation to your current address but if you are leaving for the reasons you are then you can call their specialist team to make other arrangements - they agreed this with the Women's Aid group. I'll see if I can find you the link to read.
Good luck with this move, you are strong and courageous!

If I redirect mail to a friends house it will be just as bad. He will be constantly contacting them asking where I am etc so I really don’t want to put them in that position. The man is horrendous. Covers his tracks and is crafty enough to avoid arrest but very clever in the way he does things.

I did exactly this three months ago. Was terrified but was the best thing I ever did. Good luck x

A link here with a letter about the Royal Mail services when leaving domestic violence. connectingchoices.co.uk/2020/05/04/royal-mail-services-for-victims-of-domestic-abuse-and-those-who-are-vulnerable/

Yes they are right! An interim address might do it.

Do you work? Could that be the option? Then anything they send to the old address will only show the work address. Then you can change it again to your actual address.

Are you sure about this? You don't have to be the registered keeper to be the person who drives the car - eg a parent could buy a car for their child at university to drive. Also, rightly it wrongly, loads of people take ages to update their address on their drivers license.

I don't think it's an issue to insure a vehicle at a different address to what the drivers licence etc says. Otherwise how would hire cars/company cars work?

Good luck op, you are being incredibly brave.

On the Royal Mail website www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirection#keeping_your_identity_safe it says they have a specialist team for this who can talk you through everything

If your Redirection is linked to domestic abuse, you should apply ONLY via calling us on the number indicated below.
Do NOT apply online or at the Post Office. Doing so may result in communication being sent to your old address regarding the Redirection (even if the application has not been fully completed).
Please let the call centre agent know you require a Sensitive Redirection / you are a vulnerable customer. This will allow us to set-up the Redirection with additional safeguards to ensure that NO communication will be sent to your old address which could potentially disclose the fact that you wish to or have taken out a Redirection or your new address to the other residents at the property.
Contact number: 03457 777 888
Opening times:
Monday through Friday
7:00 - 20:00
Saturday
8:00 - 18:00
Sunday
9:00 - 16:00

When you redirect Mail it takes 5 business days to come into affect and you can select the option so the letter doesn’t show the address has been redirected to. Wishing you all the best