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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving DP in secret but so worried

162 replies

Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 10:41

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

OP posts:
bettyfretty · 12/10/2022 12:43

Absolutely ring Royal Mail and explain, they can help with situations like this. Also women's aid have excellent tips on how to keep yourself safe. They can come and fit extra security in your home just for that extra peace of mind.

Keep going op x

AquaticSewingMachine · 12/10/2022 12:46

Are you working at the moment? If so, please consider letting your employer know and getting their support. It's possible that he may turn up at your work or try to find your new details from there, so if they are forewarned they can better protect you: ensuring nobody gives out details of your new address or working pattern, changing your shifts, walking you to your car when you leave, making sure onsite security has his photo etc. I've been part of doing this for an employee in this situation before and a large employer will have previously dealt with this situation.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 12/10/2022 12:46

I had to do the same and as soon as I got my house I had all my mail redirected there. Good luck and we’ll done for being brave 💐

usbjsun · 12/10/2022 12:48

I recently redirected mail and it sent a letter out to my old address about the redirection, I cant remember if it had my new address written on it or not. You could ring royal mail and ask them

Bestcatmum · 12/10/2022 12:50

I'm so excited for you OP, this is the beginning of the rest of your life.

b8tes7sw · 12/10/2022 12:53

Definitely ring women's aid to see what they recommend, this is bound to have come up before. Good luck

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/10/2022 12:59

Happy for you! Stay strong!

Original poster
Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 13:17

Thank you all, so much useful info here. I am so sorry for those of you who have had to go through this, but so pleased you did it. I know how daunting and stressful it can be. I have made excuses for years because I was too scared, but I am now so determined and looking forward to a life without the vile man.

I don’t work atm, something else he stops me doing so he can keep full control of me. I went to get my nails done last month as a treat and he even insisted on coming with me and sat next to me the whole appointment. I am his prisoner.

I will be contacting Womans Aid today and also the police to let them know just so they are aware if there are any repercussions. I am also changing my phone number too.

Great to hear I have some grace period with DVLA. I actually half own the house I am leaving so later on down the line my solicitor will be dealing with that for me. So effectively I could keep everything registered here for now because I do own it so am not being untruthful. I just want to make sure my car insurance is valid and at my new address though. I suppose I could cancel my policy and start a new one from my new address, but it would be a different address than my license and v5. Would that matter? Another thought I had is insurance companies, are any of them completely paperless? So dont send ANY letters, even renewal ones? That could work temporarily too.

I am so, so grateful for all your replies, it is so nice to know people are behind me and confirming this is exactly the right thing to do.

OP posts:
bettyfretty · 12/10/2022 13:36

Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 13:17

Thank you all, so much useful info here. I am so sorry for those of you who have had to go through this, but so pleased you did it. I know how daunting and stressful it can be. I have made excuses for years because I was too scared, but I am now so determined and looking forward to a life without the vile man.

I don’t work atm, something else he stops me doing so he can keep full control of me. I went to get my nails done last month as a treat and he even insisted on coming with me and sat next to me the whole appointment. I am his prisoner.

I will be contacting Womans Aid today and also the police to let them know just so they are aware if there are any repercussions. I am also changing my phone number too.

Great to hear I have some grace period with DVLA. I actually half own the house I am leaving so later on down the line my solicitor will be dealing with that for me. So effectively I could keep everything registered here for now because I do own it so am not being untruthful. I just want to make sure my car insurance is valid and at my new address though. I suppose I could cancel my policy and start a new one from my new address, but it would be a different address than my license and v5. Would that matter? Another thought I had is insurance companies, are any of them completely paperless? So dont send ANY letters, even renewal ones? That could work temporarily too.

I am so, so grateful for all your replies, it is so nice to know people are behind me and confirming this is exactly the right thing to do.

Absolutely contact the police yes. They won't do anything but they will have it noted down against your names/addresses incase you need to call them. They then can see all the information you've already given them and they would take it seriously and it saves them a lot of time. Again just for extra peace of mind for you.

Well done for being so practical about this. It's not always possible to just get up and go. Sometimes it needs well thought out proper planning and good organisational skills. You are doing all the hard stuff now. When you've gone, it will be 10x easier on yourself.

You have somewhere to go, you will have spoken to the police and woman's aid, you will have changed your addresses. You really are doing amazing here op in such awful circumstances.

I have been where you are - if I think of anything else that I did that you haven't mentioned then I'll pop it on but it seems you have most bases covered.

The only other thing to do is 'block' him the minute you leave.

AliceS1994 · 12/10/2022 13:40

Nothing to add here, other posters recommend of royal mail redirect seems sensible. Good luck! Please let us know when you are in a safe place. You are very brave and deserve so much better!

shiningstar2 · 12/10/2022 13:46

Don't let your phone out of your sight. Delete anything which shows your plans. Get Mumsnet to take your post down. Good luck op 💐

lunar1 · 12/10/2022 13:52

Wishing you all the luck in the world. What a society we live in where abused women have to go through this to escape their abusers. Something needs to change.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/10/2022 14:02

Sending you strength and love
You are a brave lady and a happy peaceful life awaits

Eeksteek · 12/10/2022 14:13

I’d go with a PO Box. That way there’s no way anything can be redirected to him by mistake that might have your new address on.

Speak to women’s aid. They must have had this before and will be able to help. Well done so far, I do hope things work our for you.

FigTreeInEurope · 12/10/2022 14:17

V5 address has nothing to do with insurance or license address. A registered keeper can be anyone.

Righthandcider · 12/10/2022 14:20

Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 10:41

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

OP it's not just DVLA that does this. I've had the same thing - confirmation of new address sent to old address - from other organisations. Annoyingly I can't quite remember but I am pretty sure it happened with life insurance or a pension.

As PP have suggested, you can arrange to have everything in your name redirected for six months, a year etc. When moving recently we did this via the post office website and it worked.

Good luck.

Righthandcider · 12/10/2022 14:23

Righthandcider · 12/10/2022 14:20

OP it's not just DVLA that does this. I've had the same thing - confirmation of new address sent to old address - from other organisations. Annoyingly I can't quite remember but I am pretty sure it happened with life insurance or a pension.

As PP have suggested, you can arrange to have everything in your name redirected for six months, a year etc. When moving recently we did this via the post office website and it worked.

Good luck.

Show quote history

Sorry - important addition now I've read another post about this further up. Check with the post office first that they won't write to you at your current address confirming the redirection.

Original poster
Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 14:23

FigTreeInEurope · 12/10/2022 14:17

V5 address has nothing to do with insurance or license address. A registered keeper can be anyone.

Oh my word, really? This could be the answer then. I could just take out a new insurance policy at my new address. I can change my v5 and license at a later date. This would stop a huge worry.

Also, council tax, I will just write to them when I leave and take my name off it because I will have a new ct bill at my new address.

OP posts:
Fink · 12/10/2022 14:26

Yes, you can get car insurance where they communicate only via email, not letter. I'm with Admiral and they've never sent me anything though the post - I probably ticked a box when I signed up to say how they could/couldn't contact me.

Msloverlover · 12/10/2022 14:26

I an the main driver on my insurance but the v5 is in my partners name and my driving licence until recently had a very old address on it. Never had any issues with them not matching up.

BarnabyRocks · 12/10/2022 14:28

abigailsnan · 12/10/2022 12:32

After speaking to my brother this morning who is a Motorway Police Officer he has confirmed that its 90 days before you need to contact DVLA and even if you go over that time they are very understanding due to your circumstances.Best of luck and be safe in the future enjoy your new life away from this monster of a man (if you can call him a man) sending (((HUGS))) to you.

I can confirm this, only from the perspective that I had forgotten my MOT had run out, got pulled over by the police, who also flagged that I had (genuinely) also forgot to change my address on my licence. I'd got married/moved house, been away, they were very understanding and just said get the MOT and change of address sorted as soon as you can. Also, mail redirection can go wrong- often through human error, so I would speak to women's aid or your nearest women's refuge first for advice, they may offer a stop gap address/PO pox to use. Great idea about notifying the local police too. Everything crossed for you, you are doing the right thing xxx

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/10/2022 14:47

RMG definitely have a DV service.

Can you get a new phone number without a contract or a very cheap commitment and start to switch your services to it ? Once your loose ends are tied up you can bib your old number.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/10/2022 14:49

DVLA is 6 months allowed before you need to change registered addresses. Plenty of time unless you want to sell your car.

GenuineKlatchianPottery · 12/10/2022 14:54

OP, first of all, well done for getting away from this horrible person.
I just want to add something to your list, if you are able to get a second phone, on the day you leave, switch off your phone and start using the second one. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has installed tracking/key logging on your phone.
Be very careful what you post, be vague.
If you’re not able to get a different phone I have an old one you can have, I’m happy to post it to your friend’s address if you want?

firstmummy2019 · 12/10/2022 15:16

janaus2000 · 12/10/2022 11:49

Check your phone. Make sure Location is turned off, in case he has Find My Phone set up

Better still get a completely new phone and number