Leaving DP in secret but so worried

[Runningaway21]

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

I left in summer, but I posted a winter coat, boots and jeans and jumpers toy parents. So do that if you do that without being caught.
Not so much the cupboards look bare

If you're in the UK this is not true. I am an insurance broker and many of my clients advise me of their changes of address, and when from, before they change their licence and V5. However, they will not do this if the policy is in your H's name!

Redirect your post and tick 'no' where it asks if you want a confirmation sent to your old address. I have just done it a few weeks ago.

Best wishes I hope everything goes smoothly 🙏

Well done Runningaway21 You are doing the right thing, just think of the peace you will have. I wish you a safe and contented new life x

I would set up the redirection using the information from a PP Link also here - look at the "Keeping your identity safe" section

For everything else that needs an address changing, I'd suggest telephoning, rather than doing online forms, etc. You can then explain why your new address must not be sent to your old one.

I would also recommend getting some security for your new home - Ring doorbells, cameras etc (make the most of the Amazon deals at the moment). If he's that determined he may try and follow you home if he manages to find you or sees you at your work or a friend's house, etc.

On the day you move, maybe call 101 and let them know that you're leaving an abusive relationship, just so they're aware and can respond quickly if you need them to.

But overall, well done OP - you're doing brilliantly and you deserve a new start in life! Good luck.

Well done for taking this step.

I just wanted to let you know that when I had police involvement, they told me that had they known previously about my then H being abusive, my address would have been flagged and the response would have been faster. If you have a local police station, it might be an idea to have a chat with them, just in case things do go wrong.

He escalated after separation and I remained in the marital home until sale. He threatened me and then called the police to say I had assaulted him after I pushed him out the door.

Also, finally divorced this year and couldn't be happier. Good luck.

Only do what @CMOTDibbler says, OP, ignore all the other advice to go via the post office or to do it online.

Contact Women’s Aid for more guidance.

Can you keep your old insurance until you’re safely in your new home, then cancel the policy completely and start afresh with a new provider, giving only your new details?

I don’t know for sure (someone else hopefully will) but I imagine there may be a grace period with the DVLA if you’re moving home, so you may not need to notify them immediately. They’re the ones I’d delay for a bit until you’ve got more headspace to deal with it. They’ve got a load of different departments and I’m not sure how joined up it all is, so I would see them as being the highest risk of sending stuff to your old address.

And please don’t think of your fear and your feelings as being in any way ‘stupid’. You’ve suffered 15 years of abuse, and the fact that you still have the resilience and courage to dig this deep and break free is amazing. Wishing you all the best and every happiness in the future x

Check your phone. Make sure Location is turned off, in case he has Find My Phone set up

Rooting for you op.. There is peace out there for you.

Another cheering you on OP. I so hope this is just the beginning of a peaceful new life for you.

Sending love and strength.

Sending you strength OP. You can do this

My heart breaks to think of a woman living like this, petrified at the hands of an abusive failure of a man. I’m so pleased you’ve decided to go.

Lots of good advice here but Women’s Aid will be able to advise you on minutiae such as this.

Good luck op enjoy your new life x

I was going to say exactly this, out a redirect on. You can fill in the form and specify a date for it to start.

Well done Royal Mail for having options here.

Sending you strength OP.

Speak to womens aid. It may be the long way around but potentially you could use their PO Box address or that of citizens advice. Change car insurance etc to there and then change it again so any letters sent by mistake get sent to the PO Box address and that way he won’t know your new address?

congrats for leaving

@Runningaway21 - get a redirection of your post so that any post from a certain date is redirected to your new home - then once you are in your new home amend the car insurance etc...

I agree with others, act very normal and leave when he is at work. Get a support system lined up as much as possible. It's the most dangerous time for a woman.

Would you consider getting support from the police or a local domestic abuse charity or women’s aid?

After speaking to my brother this morning who is a Motorway Police Officer he has confirmed that its 90 days before you need to contact DVLA and even if you go over that time they are very understanding due to your circumstances.Best of luck and be safe in the future enjoy your new life away from this monster of a man (if you can call him a man) sending (((HUGS))) to you.

Go you OP. Be careful but you can do this.

I'm just bumping @CMOTDibbler's post so it doesn't get lost.

I did this recently and just went online and redirected all my mail to my new address. I know it's a massive thing you are doing and you are brave to take this step. I really wish you all the luck in the world and remember things will get better.

Haven't read through all the comments but Royal Mail do a sensitive re direction, you don't need to explain to them, they ensure that no confirmation of new address goes to the old address.

They did send a letter confirming to my old address when I did it online so do as @CMOTDibbler says and ring ..!!
I managed to intercept it in the post