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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving DP in secret but so worried

162 replies

Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 10:41

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

OP posts:
TacCat49 · 13/10/2022 02:24

Have you thought about drawing out your 1/2 of the bank account? Can you get copies of any assets, pension schemes, investments etc that will be of assistance when doing the final financial settlement when you divorce.

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 13/10/2022 02:24

There is a way to see if there's an airtag in the near vicinity, but i dont know how. That would be an easy way to check your car isn't tagged.
Good luck with the new life OP!
Don't forget about changing beneficiaries on any pensions you may have, but they 100% do write to your previous address so make sure you've retire red mail first x

Harrystylestutu · 13/10/2022 02:36

Bloody well done op. can't state enough how brave you are. I can't imagine what you've been through, and what you're going through now. you really are amazing. Do you think you've got everything sorted now?

Is there anyway someone could check your car for a tracking device?
Were all rooting for you, I feel he will try your family and friends by the sound of it.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to be able to find accommodation and save up?

Nat6999 · 13/10/2022 02:57

Are you moving to social housing? Your council may run a sanctuary team that will come & fit extra security to your home for you, I had window alarms, outside lights, extra locks & a buzzer on my back door, you can also have a sanctuary room if needed this is where they fit a steel plated door that locks to one of your bedrooms that you can escape to if your abuser tries to get in your home. Make sure you don't put anything on your social media that gives any indication of where you will be living, make sure your security settings are as tight as possible, clear out any friends who may give your partner your address & change your mobile number, you can ring your provider & tell them you need your number changing for DV reasons, you can also get a tag on your phone number that if you dial 999 you get priority.

Nat6999 · 13/10/2022 03:03

Make sure he can't track your phone, switch off find my phone & your location so he can't track you that way & check he hasn't installed any apps that can track you, a factory reset would work. Make sure he hasn't put a tracker on your car, look for air tags or anything in the wheel arches, under the bonnet or in the boot under the carpet. Maybe park your car away from your new home if you don't have a garage. Don't be afraid to ring the police if you have any problems with him.

HowVeryBizarre · 13/10/2022 03:15

Best of luck x

REignbow · 13/10/2022 03:15

Do you physically buy groceries? If you do, l would start getting cash back/gift cards and then post them/hide them for when you go. At least it will help you in those first few weeks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2022 03:46

I am so glad you found the strength to move after all these years. You deserve to be free and safe, away from a man, who treats you so poorly. You sound so together and organised. Your inheritance was a blessing. Good luck op. Flowers

Wetblanket78 · 13/10/2022 03:50

Well done for having the courage to leave. I've been in this situation myself though he never beat me. I packed up and left when he was at work. You can have your mail redireted for a few months. Gives you you chance to change your address. You have to pay but it's worth it.

overthinkingornot · 13/10/2022 06:26

have You a new bank account? One he doesn't know just in case he starts either sending transfers for small amounts with references to intimidate or attempts to cancel cards etc? If not, look at a digital only account so no paperwork. I'm sure chase bank don't send a physical card at the minute if it's digital only but do check.

For changing your number, just pick up a new SIM card as the whole new number thing can sometimes take a few hours and you'd want to be able to call family if needed. Keep current SIM card but in an off phone so any abusive messages or voicemails can be handed to police/solicitors when needed without you needing to read or listen to them.

Opt out of the public electoral roll information

Consider brand new email address, social media accounts that don't show your full name & all privacy settings ranked up high and check your car for an Apple tag as you mentioned he won't let you go places without him. If you don't have an iPhone, if a family member does it should pick up any AirTag for you.

Most importantly, please keep safe

Cailin66 · 13/10/2022 07:12

Well done you are incredibly brave. 💐 People can sense things so he might double back from work on the day. Be ready to call the police if he does.

Junobug · 13/10/2022 07:13

A friend left her partner last year. She rang the police to let them know and they gave her a referance number for if she needed them.
She then sent it to me with a message like 'if I message you over the next couple of days asking to borrow eggs, please ring 999 and give them the reference number. '
It meant if things escalated during the build up, I could ring the police when he wouldn't of let her.
I would also echo that there is support out there that you don't realise you need or are intitled to, including benefits as you are leaving due to DA. So ring WA and let them know what's going on.
Good luck. You're doing a very brave thing. There might be times over the next few months where you will doubt yourself but you really are doing the right thing.

Winceybincey · 13/10/2022 09:10

tickticksnooze · 12/10/2022 10:48

Just be aware with a mail redirection Royal Mail write to your old address with the confirmation so check carefully if/how you set it up. I don't remember if there's a way to avoid that in DV cases.

There is. I used the service recently and it asked if I wish for them not to send the confirmation to old address. I ticked the box as I’d already moved by the time I sorted it out.

Op speak to womens aid, they’ll have some invaluable advice for you. Do you have any family support? Anyone who can stay with you for a few days after you’ve moved? From what you’re describing he sounds very worrying x

Winceybincey · 13/10/2022 09:26

Sorry ETA there was an option to not display new address on the confirmation letter with a tick box. But if they have a special service specifically for DV victims then that would be more ideal op as that’ll more likely avoid an errors.

Original poster
Runningaway21 · 13/10/2022 09:58

Harrystylestutu · 13/10/2022 02:36

Bloody well done op. can't state enough how brave you are. I can't imagine what you've been through, and what you're going through now. you really are amazing. Do you think you've got everything sorted now?

Is there anyway someone could check your car for a tracking device?
Were all rooting for you, I feel he will try your family and friends by the sound of it.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to be able to find accommodation and save up?

I had some money so luckily didn’t have to save. However it took me 15 years to find the courage to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Runningaway21 · 13/10/2022 10:04

Thank you lovely MNetters, some amazing advice here. I have been thinking about it all overnight.

I am thinking about my car and will get my BIL to check it for trackers etc. I am safe with my internet history and always delete it and he doesn’t know I even use MN.

OP posts:
R0BYN · 13/10/2022 11:10

On the day of the move, it would be good to find another couple of vehicles and drivers. The more you have, the quicker you can get packed and away. It always takes longer than you think, as you cant pack boxes in advance.

Maybe your sister could recruit a couple of friends. She doesn’t need to tell then your name or address, just that she is helping a friend / colleague in an emergency and could they meet your sister at her house at a certain date and time and follow her to your house. Lots of women , including most of us posting here, would do that for a friend of a friend.

Obviously she needs to be able to trust them 100%. Also if you have more people there its harder for your husband to kick off in front of them, if he turns up.

You need to be wary of any friends of his who are neighbours spotting what you are doing and phoning him at work.

J0y · 13/10/2022 11:26

Just take the essentials or what it's easy to take. Pedal down drive AWAY as soon as you have what you need.
I left with one bag.
There was very little I missed tbh.
My x sensed some difference in me and started working from home in the run up to my D day.
No idea how he knew.

He caught me coming back from the post office a few days before too. Id been posting clothes. He had been riding around on a bike looking for me 😒
That makes him sound even crazier than he was actually, but he just sensed something was up.

So if you normally argue back, to defend yrslf, continue to do that.

Wetblanket78 · 13/10/2022 13:05

How about having post redireted to your friends house. Put a supporting letter in explaining the situation and say any post to confirm must be sent to your friends. If they can't do that arange to collect your post from the RM sorting office. I am sure they come accross this all the time.

purpleboy · 13/10/2022 13:05

Well done for getting out, you're incredibly brave, and you have the support of MN behind you!
It's so great you have people you can rely on. This is your time, you have a wonderful life ahead of you.

WireSkills · 13/10/2022 14:34

R0BYN · 13/10/2022 11:10

On the day of the move, it would be good to find another couple of vehicles and drivers. The more you have, the quicker you can get packed and away. It always takes longer than you think, as you cant pack boxes in advance.

Maybe your sister could recruit a couple of friends. She doesn’t need to tell then your name or address, just that she is helping a friend / colleague in an emergency and could they meet your sister at her house at a certain date and time and follow her to your house. Lots of women , including most of us posting here, would do that for a friend of a friend.

Obviously she needs to be able to trust them 100%. Also if you have more people there its harder for your husband to kick off in front of them, if he turns up.

You need to be wary of any friends of his who are neighbours spotting what you are doing and phoning him at work.

Agreed on this. If someone told me their friend was leaving a DV situation and needed help I'd say "Where and when do you want me, and do I need a baseball bat?" OK, so the last bit might be tongue in cheek, but if I could, I would!

Wetblanket78 · 13/10/2022 22:50

I found a roll of bin bags handy when leaving my ex. We had run out of bags but did have two young children. I had three family members help did it all packed up what we could and unloaded within an hour. Felt so satisfying getting it all done in the morning. We had lunch out to celebrate I had £29.23 left to live off but i was so happy 🙂

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2022 22:50

I agree with enlisting trusted 'helpers'. When BFF left her abusive ex on the sly the 'crew' was her, me, and three teenage boys. Between us we had 2 full size sedans and one large pickup truck. It took us less than 4 hours to empty half of a 1200 sq foot, 3 bed, 2 bath home and take it to her new place about 12 miles away. We made multiple rapid drop offs at her new place not worrying about stacking or organizing. The priority was 'get it out and get her GONE'.

We put non-breakable pots, pans, kitchenwares and bath stuff in trash bags. Clothing was moved in their drawers in the back seats of the cars with the bureaus and empty chests moved in the trucks. Linens, towels, soft goods, again, in trash bags. Clothes on their hangars were transported either in car trunks or on the seats. The only things that were packed in boxes were breakables, valuables, and her financial/personal records.

Yes, it was a bit of a holy mess in her new place for a few days, but she said that going through the bags, boxes, and cartons to figure what was what and what went where was as good as opening gifts on Xmas morning for her because she was FREE.

You're doing marvelously well! And before you know it you'll be out and free, too.

Karlaatthecircus · 14/10/2022 22:51

You can however ask Royal Mail
to keep your post and you collect it from a sorting office . No letter sent and very handy

HangingOver · 16/10/2022 18:18

How are you doing OP