Leaving DP in secret but so worried

[Runningaway21]

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

Redirect your mail and change your phone number.

Copy and store online ALL your important documents to a place he cannot access I. E. An email address that he doesn't know about.

You're doing the right thing, op.

OP you are wonderful and brave and your life a few months from now will be so so amazing. Please be careful and cover your tracks / use incognito browsing / log out of everything / delete your history.

Royal Mail redirection sends a letter to your old address so be wary of this.

You're so brave OP. I wish my family member to be where you are, soon.

If you can I would also change the car, and maybe your name too, although that may feel too drastic.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Oh that's another thing I did OP - a new email address which I used for everything in terms of setting up new accounts - water/council tax etc....

I struggled to get a new mobile number as I have an sen child and there's too many professionals that have my number that I have no contact details of. But if you feel you can change it then absolutely do.

Change your password on absolutely everything too like others have said.

If you're on it, disappear off social media if you can. Much better than blocking him. When you're ready you can always start a new one but don't use your surname and have all your info completely private. But stay off it as long as you can if you can.

No advice to offer, but wishing you all the best.
Here's to a new, free, future for you xx

Speak to women’s aid asap.

When I went to a refuge they had all
post sent to a P.O. Box address so that might be an option?

Also if you go via women’s aid they can house you in a refuge you will get so much support more than what you realise you need and there will be absolutely no way he can get to your post that way, they will get you housed. I know you have your place to move into but you can get help with that rent while in a refuge and to be re housed.

And if you have a smartphone please make sure that he hasn’t downloaded any apps or set up find your iPhone and added you to his, keep all locations off. Check your car for any air tag type things.
People have got very smart, I might even suggest to get an air tag thing and hide in his car at least you will know if he’s driving in the area you’re in and will know if he’s found you.

I don't know the system in your country. I'm wondering if you could get some advice from the domestic violence unit at your local police.

I was going to suggest the same. That would make it harder for him to trace your new location too.

Are you moving somewhere you could go without a car for a little while?

Well done OP!
Some excellent advice here. I think you should think about approaching this as you would if you were going into witness protection. With the exception of loved ones, cut Contact with casual people, don’t give out your new numbers or address easily, don’t go to places you might have regularly visited, get new phone and new lap top in case he has put tracking info on them. I would change the name you use for doctors, hairdressers, dentists, vets etc. Don’t use social media at all. I prob would not tell anyone my address.
Please God he hits a brick wall for every line of enquiry and gives up. The reality is he may well find out where you are, so make sure you have a plan for that eventuality too- you deserve to be free. Good, good luck.

But anything sent to your old address will fe redirected by royal mail?

You can insure your car at new address on your current policy, you may have to pay a little or may even get a return premium.
V5, licence etc doesn't matter just obv get them done when you can.
Make sure you take him off the insurance if he is on.

As others, location off on your phone. Also turn your 'active' status off on WhatsApp, Facebook etc if your on them.

Another thing op - when you contact the police and womens aid, make sure you have a pen and paper at the ready. Write down as much as you can (keep it safely hidden obviously while he's still around), get as much advice on things like non molestation orders etc.

This isn't mean to scare you but to help you. You seem very organised and 'together' anyway but the more information you have about possible outcomes then the less scared you may find yourself because^^ if something happens then you know what to do. You know who to ring. You know how to deal with it and how it will be dealt with.

It becomes less scary. I also don't know if it wound be financially affordable to you but individual counselling as soon as you leave would be massively beneficial to you. The fact that I could speak to someone who was so supportive in my scariest times was my life saver.

I'd move house several times and hope he loses the trail.

@Runningaway21
You sound like you have been very careful already, but please delete your browsing history. Your STBX opening your post makes me shudder.

Someone's already said it upthread, but just to reiterate - be careful that he hasn't got anything in your car to track you. I wouldn't park at your new place, leave the car with a friend if you can, or on street somewhere away from your new place. And if possible sell it ASAP after moving and get a different car. Obviously when you advertise it for sale don't put your contact details on, use a family member or friend.

Good luck OP!

Thank you so much for the lovely offer, it was so nice of you. I am sorted with a phone, I have already got another payg one because I am out of contract on my phone and am going to cancel it as soon as I go. Location is switched off and the phone will be switched off the second I leave and I will use the payg one, it is at my friends house now so he doesn’t find it.

Thanks to thenposter for the tip on council tax too, I hadn’t thought of that.

Someone asked me how I had the money to leave. I have my own money that he has no access to at all due to a very small inheritance. That has paid for my new place and will cover me for a few months. Most of it is in my sister’s bank account and he doesn’t know. He is a high earner and I don’t think he would try and take any of mine, but you never know so it is safe. I will need to find work once I move though.

I don’t really want to change my car because I can’t afford it and it is quite old and to trade it in wouldn’t get me anything half decent. I am moving away from the area I am in now so hope the chances of him ever driving past me or bumping into me will be zero.

Moving day is sorted, my sister and her husband will come round as soon as I call them to tell them he has left for work.

He really has no idea at all and it is so hard to act normal around him. Tonight he gave me another mouthful of choice words, including calling me an infertile useless bitch (I had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer 8 years ago and was heartbroken). I walked away into the kitchen and smiled to myself thinking that he has no idea what is about go happen. God knows how he will cope, he cannot cook, iron, clean, shop etc and has no clue how to run a home. He just works and earns money, everything else is left to me. He will probably get his fancy piece around to do it, more fool her. That’s his pa. What a cliche, he wasn’t even capable of putting any effort in to finding his affair, it was the easiest option. He doesn’t even know that I know about her and I won’t say because he will explode at me so easier not to mention it and just go. Not that I care, I pity her and despise him.

Yes but I was worried they sometimes write to your old address to confirm. They do normally but thanks to advice on here it should be ok because I will call the number listed here for domestic abuse cases. However it looks like I won’t need to immediately, I will take out another policy at my new address for insurance and change the other documents later on.

We are all rooting for you, Op.

OP some very wise advice on here from lovely MN.

You are very brave and strong -I am so sorry you have endured 15 years

I'm worried about him tracking you via car - also the AirTag thing someone mentioned you putting on his car so you would know if he had found you - can this be done without being tracked back to you ? I don't know

I am willing you on here and hope your next 15 years + are joyous years - crossing everything for you x

You are so brave. I've just read the thread and the only thing I have to add (as everyone has already given you such good advice) is about the car. If you could afford to, perhaps get new number plates as soon as you can, then your car wouldn't be quite so easy to spot if you're worried about that. This a mad suggestion perhaps, and way down the priority list but just a thought.

Just to reiterate - you are awesome. You've totally got this!

Congratulations on making the move to get out.
I'll be thinking of you sending good wishes that everything goes smoothly!