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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving DP in secret but so worried

162 replies

Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 10:41

I have NC for this for obvious reasons and am planning to leave my abusive DP.

He has no idea yet, thinks that I will still be here taking his abuse just like I have for the last 15 years. But I have finally decided to leave. I don’t know where I am finding the strength from to be honest because I have always been too petrified to leave. How stupid does that sound, too petrified to leave and now I am too petrified to stay.

I have found somewhere to live and get the keys next month. My plan is to leave while he is at work without telling him, he has no idea. I have got most things sorted but I am really worried about my car etc. I need to change my license address, V5 and insurance. I remember some years ago when I changed the address on my license that they sent me confirmation to my existing address, not new address. I am so worried that if I send off my documents to change the address one of them might write to me at this address and he will see my forwarding address. He opens all my mail. Has anybody done this recently that can let me know what happened? I can’t risk him ever knowing my new address, it would be pointless me moving if he ever knows it.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 12/10/2022 15:55

All the car stuff does not have to be done on day 1 of your move.

As suggested, pre-moving ring up the post office and explain your situation, do NOT fill anything in online.

Ring up Womens Aid, they will have plenty of advice on how to stay safe and your whereabouts a secret.

Really good points on making sure he's not tracking your phone.

Well done OP on doing this. How did you manage to save the money to get a new place?

bettyfretty · 12/10/2022 16:01

Are you worried about anything financially op? Do you need to sort your bills out etc? If so, I'd also advise you contact your providers. I had such positive experiences with all mine.

The one I was dreading most was sky tv. It was on my name and I paid for it. Pretty much the start of a new contract and thought it would cost me an absolute fortune to terminate it. Also there was a fee if you kept the equipment - I couldn't go back to the house to get it after I left obviously.

Sky were absolutely fantastic when I explained the situation and minimised all costs. I did have a small fee to pay (£80) but absolutely no where near the £900 plus I was expecting.

I also found the gas/electric company massively helpful too and really understanding.

wishuponastar1988 · 12/10/2022 16:03

Runningaway21 · 12/10/2022 13:17

Thank you all, so much useful info here. I am so sorry for those of you who have had to go through this, but so pleased you did it. I know how daunting and stressful it can be. I have made excuses for years because I was too scared, but I am now so determined and looking forward to a life without the vile man.

I don’t work atm, something else he stops me doing so he can keep full control of me. I went to get my nails done last month as a treat and he even insisted on coming with me and sat next to me the whole appointment. I am his prisoner.

I will be contacting Womans Aid today and also the police to let them know just so they are aware if there are any repercussions. I am also changing my phone number too.

Great to hear I have some grace period with DVLA. I actually half own the house I am leaving so later on down the line my solicitor will be dealing with that for me. So effectively I could keep everything registered here for now because I do own it so am not being untruthful. I just want to make sure my car insurance is valid and at my new address though. I suppose I could cancel my policy and start a new one from my new address, but it would be a different address than my license and v5. Would that matter? Another thought I had is insurance companies, are any of them completely paperless? So dont send ANY letters, even renewal ones? That could work temporarily too.

I am so, so grateful for all your replies, it is so nice to know people are behind me and confirming this is exactly the right thing to do.

Just wanted to say you are so brave and incredible.

I am with Tesco car insurance and receive everything via email (all renewal quotes and insurance docs). If you are going to get a new policy I would call the provider and insist on receiving everything digitally for safeguarding reasons and they will oblige. X

wishuponastar1988 · 12/10/2022 16:05

Also just to add - make contact with womens aid or your local DA service. I used to work for domestic abuse service and we could do things to make sure you were not traced - new mobile phone, ex directory, markers on your address, additional security measures, flag with health services to make sure new addresses were not leaked. We also provided removal vans and supported to get police assistance to help women move safely.

larkstar · 12/10/2022 16:08

Could you trade your car in for another breaking the connection with your old address?

Zofloraeverywhere · 12/10/2022 16:16

As well as a new phone number, I would also suggest that you change your email address and delete your details from social media (if you use it).

SuperCamp · 12/10/2022 16:17

OP, well done.

I have moved house a lot and have never told DVLA about my new address for log book or my licence until after I have moved. And they never sent anything to the old address.

Don’t tell anyone your new address, not even any family who would feel sorry for his waterworks or some “I have a present for her” nonsense.

ShimmyYaYaYay · 12/10/2022 16:23

I've just done a redirection this morning. It gives the option to have confirmation sent to new or old address. Something also popped up with regards to domestic violence but I didn't click through.

Sorry if this has already been stated, haven't ready whole thread

Good luck x

R0BYN · 12/10/2022 16:37

When he is at work each day, can you smuggle various things out of the house and take them to a friends? Eg out of season clothes, small sentimental items like photos and jewellery.

Start doing spring cleaning type cleaning and tell him it’s for Christmas / some other plausible excuse. Put some genuinely old stuff in a black bag, leave it somewhere he can see and then after a week or so take it to a charity shop. That way it’s fine if he checks the bag, and it will explain why things inside cupboards or drawers might have been shifted around.

It looks more suspicious if he goes into somewhere like the wardrobe, notices that something is missing or moved, asks you and you look guilty and say “ Oh nothing “.

On the day you move, recruit a whole team of friends with cars and take as much as you can move . One Of your friends needs to get boxes in advance and keep them for you.

Take Kitchen items, bed linen,towels , small items of furniture, small rugs , cushions, microwave, kettle, toaster, vacuum cleaner, pictures or wall mirrors that you like. All your toiletries , cosmetics, contents of your medicine cabinet.

These things all cost a lot to replace at your new house. Most people buy household items over time, it’s shocking how much they cost when you have to buy then all at once.

Unless you course you have plenty money and can afford to start afresh. That’s always a nice idea but not everyone can afford it.

Some women only take their clothes because they “ don’t want to make him angry “. . Well he will be incandescent and want to kill you anyway so you might as well take anything you want. He will still be left with all the expensive large items of furniture and the cost of these will be greater than lots of smaller items, so he will still get more than half.

Yous need to have a lot of ornaments / bedlinen / cushions/ old saucepans to be the same values as sofas and beds. So don’t even think about feeling guilty.

Just before you leave the house for the last time, take detailed photos of the house. Stand in the corner or each room in turn and take photos. It’s been known for men like this to trash the house and then claim you did it. that’s why witnesses ( your helpers ) are good.

ThatCheeseIsMine · 12/10/2022 16:40

Good luck op and take care. One more thing, are you sure he’s not monitoring you or checking on you while he’s out of the house? Be careful with phone conversations and when you get ready to go, leave quickly. A friend of mine did this, she waited until he was at work then packed everything up and called a taxi. Her abusive partner turned up just as she was walking out of the door - he knew somehow. He tried to stop her but luckily the taxi driver squared up to him and told him to leave her alone and he backed off, but it was scary for her. Be ready to call the police too if needed - as PPs say, having alerted them beforehand.

Keeping everything crossed for you.

OhNoOhDearOh · 12/10/2022 17:09

Change your address to a family member’s then change it again.

Redirect all of your Mail.

m good luck and well done

Poppydot3 · 12/10/2022 17:24

As pp has said. Please check your phone and make sure LOCATION is switched off. Otherwise he could trace you!

Keep your nerve. You’ve come so far. Wishing you well.

Dou8hnuts · 12/10/2022 17:40

Have your mail sent to the post office to pick up only by you. That way he won’t see any of it.

Greyarea12 · 12/10/2022 17:49

I see you have had some good advice here so I won't repeat any of it but I just wanted to say well done in summoning up the courage to leave. It takes alot of strength, courage and bravery. I left an abusive relationship 6 years ago and moved house. Took alot took alot to overcome it all but I got there & you will too.

Wishing you strength, love & a happy future ❤️

Greyarea12 · 12/10/2022 17:51

Poppydot3 · 12/10/2022 17:24

As pp has said. Please check your phone and make sure LOCATION is switched off. Otherwise he could trace you!

Keep your nerve. You’ve come so far. Wishing you well.

I just want to add to this that if you have a Gmail account you can do find my phone on it by logging into email. Check that is off or even better, delete your email address.
Same with snapchat.. check your in ghost mode if you have it.

Greyarea12 · 12/10/2022 17:54

ThatCheeseIsMine · 12/10/2022 16:40

Good luck op and take care. One more thing, are you sure he’s not monitoring you or checking on you while he’s out of the house? Be careful with phone conversations and when you get ready to go, leave quickly. A friend of mine did this, she waited until he was at work then packed everything up and called a taxi. Her abusive partner turned up just as she was walking out of the door - he knew somehow. He tried to stop her but luckily the taxi driver squared up to him and told him to leave her alone and he backed off, but it was scary for her. Be ready to call the police too if needed - as PPs say, having alerted them beforehand.

Keeping everything crossed for you.

I'm so sorry, ny 3rd post in less than a minute. Just to add to this, you could inform the police you are leaving and ask for back up - as in them be there as you leave just to make sure he doesn't come home and if he does you can still leave safely.

Sackeforbadhips · 12/10/2022 18:05

OP please try to contact Women's Aid if you can. We'll done for recognising the situation and leaving. I just worry as leaving is the most dangerous time for you. Please seek help to make sure you do if safely and I wish you all the best for your new life.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 12/10/2022 18:06

It's radical but could you sell your car and buy another with the proceeds?

Passtheduchyonthelefthandside · 12/10/2022 18:07

Good luck op, someone mentioned up thread, can you trade your car in? Is there anyway that he could find your address through your reg number? Cut all ties to it if you can. Take care

Lu901 · 12/10/2022 18:11

Maybe over the top to some but I would get a new number change all passwords and delete any food apps you might of used together anything that shows the address from orders.

Lu901 · 12/10/2022 18:13

I had an ex find my details through an eBay account so I'd blocked them on everything then started getting messages through there. The internet makes it so hard to be 100% uncontactable to people

Quitelikeacatslife · 12/10/2022 18:14

Be really careful with any existing on line accounts . Change all passwords on email Apple ID, bank etc, anything you can think of.
I'd use a proxy address or P.O. Box, do not give anyone your actual address as mistakes do happen.
If you open new accounts for new house get a brand new email address . Keep a note of any time you have given out your new address
Womens aid are the very best experts in this though
Good luck

HopefulM · 12/10/2022 18:30

Is getting a PO BOX any use to you? You can pick up your mail then

ainsisoisje · 12/10/2022 18:30

Best of luck OP and congrats on finding the inner resources to take the plunge. Keep going. Wishing you well x

JustEatTheCake · 12/10/2022 18:32

Re the council tax, if you pay by monthly direct debit then you are always ahead with payments, therefore they do not need a forwarding address for you. Simply state that you left the property on X date after you have actually left. Do not do it before, in theory it should only be actioned after the date you leave. When you set up the new address tell them you have moved from out of the area then they do not tie the two in area addresses together if they come under the same council. If you can use a friend's address or relatives as an out of area address then use that. If it is rented let the letting agent know about the domestic abuse as they also often inform the council of a new tenancy and you do not want your previous address (if they have it) given out to any agency. I used to work in council tax.

Get a new sim for your phone. And good luck. Rope in any help you can especially on the day you move out. Above all, stay safe.