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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

172 replies

Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:40

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

OP posts:
melchim · 10/10/2022 04:43

I think you'll find everyone here will say that what you need is not a new way to play the game and find comebacks to his insults.

He seems unable to respect you.. was he always this way?

Have you ever fantasised about leaving? How might that go for you?

AutumnCrow · 10/10/2022 04:46

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him.

’I want a divorce’ would work mighty fine.

Original poster
Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:47

Thanks for your response @melchim

I’m in my 60s, if I leave I will be very poor and I have a disabling illness. I should have left years ago. But realistically, I can’t see a way of doing it now.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 10/10/2022 04:48

And while you’re at it, tell your adult children you’re fed up of being undermined, abused and silenced, and they’d better get used to a new you that isn’t going to take their father’s crap any more.

Sparklfairy · 10/10/2022 04:49

I'm sure I could help find your own pithy retorts and not so subtle put downs, but the reality is that away from the kids he will just ramp up his venomous attacks AND play the victim. "How dare you humiliate me/embarrass me etc".

So the only way to stop him is to leave him. Otherwise the cycle will continue and if you upset the status quo by biting back, his abuse behind closed doors will ramp up.

XJerseyGirlX · 10/10/2022 04:50

Can we all suggest a few comebacks for op that might help shut this behaviour down ?

Maybe your kids could say something to him about how it makes them feel uncomfortable?

You could say " aren't you a gem" or " and here it is , on queue as expected " or something along those lines ( with an eye roll ) when he does it.

Have you spoken to him ? Turned it around to say that you are not sensitive , just sensitive to cowardly hidden insults ?

I think if you called him out once of twice in front of your kids , or all ignored him with a shared eye roll he might feel like a dick an stop it ?

However , there is a reason he feels the need to do this ( and maybe it is jealousy) but it isn't good and won't get better unless you address it.

Original poster
Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:55

You could say " aren't you a gem" or " and here it is , on queue as expected " or something along those lines ( with an eye roll ) when he does it.

These are good responses. @XJerseyGirlX Said with humour and a laugh- it’s certainly better than a sour response - they don’t work.

OP posts:
melchim · 10/10/2022 05:01

Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:47

Thanks for your response @melchim

I’m in my 60s, if I leave I will be very poor and I have a disabling illness. I should have left years ago. But realistically, I can’t see a way of doing it now.

So sorry, that sounds extremely difficult. I can see why you are looking to manage the small things you can.

Backtoreality22 · 10/10/2022 05:25

Instead of having a word with him after the event, can you speak to him before everybody arrives? Say, don’t show me up in front of the family today with your stupid jokes. It’s embarrassing/out of order and I’m fed up of it.

Rosehugger · 10/10/2022 05:27

Start taking the piss out of his tiny flaccid penis in front of people and see how he likes it.

AutumnCrow · 10/10/2022 05:30

Is he your carer?

Rosehugger · 10/10/2022 05:31

What would happen if you were alone together and absolutely lost it with him? If DH did this to me I'd be bellowing at him so much when we got home that the next town would hear about it.

ClaryFairchild · 10/10/2022 05:31

You could go with the straight out "stop being so nasty" "wow, those mean comments just roll of your tongue so easily these days, don't they?"

Or you could go with the more subtle "gosh, aren't you such a ray of sunshine, now wonder you're so popular with everyone.." (with one or two eyebrows slightly raised and with not even a hint of a smile on your face) or "I really need to buy you a dictionary so you can work out what a joke actually is."

Personally I'd prefer to just use the blunt ones...

daisychain01 · 10/10/2022 05:33

Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:47

Thanks for your response @melchim

I’m in my 60s, if I leave I will be very poor and I have a disabling illness. I should have left years ago. But realistically, I can’t see a way of doing it now.

I wouldn't want him in the same room as me.

What kind of example is he giving your grandkids, calling you a witch, that's totally unacceptable, hurtful and mean.

I have no suggestions as to how you can put up with him. Probably live separate lives so you have to be in his company as little as you possibly can.

olympicsrock · 10/10/2022 05:35

Wow i’m so sorry to hear this. My father did this to my mother all the time. It was horrible. She also laughed at herself eventually it was a form of bullying her. You are being abused.
Please do not tolerate this. You have too much of a life in front of you. Your children need to appreciate that you are in pain when it happens and do not laugh, call him on it. Please please please enlist them to stopping it.
Eventually it came out that he had been having affairs. When finally they divorced she was so much happier.

Ottersmith · 10/10/2022 06:05

Can you investigate over 55 flats and what benefits you would be entitled to? What he is doing is abuse. How would you feel if fifteen years go by and he is still making you feel like shit and your grandchildren are joining in? Allow yourself to imagine how happy you would be in your own place and being able to see your kids without him there. I think you can do it. Maybe call women's aidto get perspective.

Original poster
Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 06:14

Thank you for your responses. I’m reading them and thinking about them. I appreciate the thought you have given in responding to my post.

OP posts:
outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 06:17

No you do not need a new way to play him at his own game this is bullshit and it needs to stop. I would be sitting him down on your own and telling him that this behaviour will stop now. Do not put up with this crap anymore it is revolting You shouldn't be treated like this. It's his problem Your husband does not sound like a nice person. Why would he want to belittle his wife infront if his children and grandchildren. Stand up for yourself and put this right.

Zapx · 10/10/2022 06:25

“Ahhhh, DH showing once again there the sheer disdain he has for me. Glad you all find it funny.” -eye roll-

” Oh here we go again. I had a bet with myself you’d say something like that ten times today, guess we’ll get to see how close I am to being right.”

” Oh it’s laugh at granny time. I’m actually not going to put up with this today, so I’ll just step into the kitchen for a minute. Call me when you’re done!” -Cheery wave-.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 10/10/2022 06:25

Can you talk to your kids about it? Tell them that you’ll now henceforth be pulling their Dad up about his ‘jokes’ in front of them, and you’d appreciate their support. I can’t imagine the kids feeling comfortable hearing this.

Delilahonabike · 10/10/2022 06:35

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react

I wonder if your kids are really imploring you not to react, or whether they're actually willing you to stand up for yourself OP? I know which it would be if my DM was being bullied in front of my face. Have you ever spoken to them about it?

mickandrorty · 10/10/2022 06:38

I would not be making witty comebacks i would be telling him he is rude and unfunny each and every time! so if he says you are being sensitive i would say no YOU are being very rude and i have had enough of it!

georgarina · 10/10/2022 06:39

No smile or laughter.

’That’s rude.’

If he tries to say ‘oh come on it’s a joke,’ just say, ‘It’s not funny. Don’t speak to me like that.’ Or ‘It sounded more like an insult than a joke.’

Then it takes away the ‘joke’ pretence - because it’s not a joke, it’s a way to insult you publicly and get away with it. The others laugh because they don’t want to make it awkward, but if you make it clear it’s not a joke, they won’t, and he’ll have no choice but to stop or he’ll look like even more of a twat.

I’ve had to do this exact thing before so I know it works.

He will try to persist with the ‘it’s a joke’ gaslighting, but just reaffirm ‘it’s not funny. It’s insulting. I’ve told you I don’t like it.’

Madagascary · 10/10/2022 06:39

If he thinks you’re rubbish but he’s still with you then the Jokes on him really.
how upsetting for you.

outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 06:40

Ottersmith · 10/10/2022 06:05

Can you investigate over 55 flats and what benefits you would be entitled to? What he is doing is abuse. How would you feel if fifteen years go by and he is still making you feel like shit and your grandchildren are joining in? Allow yourself to imagine how happy you would be in your own place and being able to see your kids without him there. I think you can do it. Maybe call women's aidto get perspective.

Great advice. I think you are so worn down op that you think you can't but there is always a way. If you own your property you are entitled to half You would then be able to buy or rent a flat and live in peace with your family visiting. Think about it. It would take massive courage but it is possible.